Guardianwork

Guardianwork Book Launch

2009-06-15T19:32:00.001+01:00

It is on the shelves!

2009-06-09T17:50:00.000+01:00

2009-06-07T10:23:00.001+01:00

2009-03-06T08:36:00.003Z

The book launch for guardianwork is 4th June 2009 in Borders on Oxford Street, at 6.30 p.m.

2009-01-06T21:19:00.001Z

ITV

2009-01-06T15:10:00.003Z

2009-01-05T14:03:00.002Z

I had a call from ITV Anglia today. I was on the telly. Where is that duck?

Baddies - Battleships

2008-12-15T16:26:00.001Z

This is Simon's band.

BBC Essex Natalie Wood Interview 1

2008-11-14T14:02:00.001Z

BBC Essex interview

2008-10-17T13:38:00.001+01:00

2008-10-11T10:36:00.001+01:00

Incidentally, guardianwork Madely is a googlewhack, cheers Dave...

2008-10-10T20:00:00.000+01:00

Me and Richard Madely.

2008-10-10T15:09:00.000+01:00

2008-04-13T21:35:00.000+01:00

2008-04-13T21:29:00.001+01:00

Yesterday, I took part in the Pi Project.

http://www.pi-project.co.uk/

It was brilliant.

2008-03-23T05:48:00.003Z

Can I ask the person that owns the cockerel to move somewhere else?

2008-03-21T15:35:00.000Z

http://bored.com/boomshine/index.htm

2008-02-13T22:50:00.000Z

Wednesday February 13th 2008

Well the British Airways job didn't come to anything:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your recent application for Commercial Business Analyst which we have now been able to review in greater detail.

Due to very strong competition for this vacancy, we regret to advise you that after careful consideration, our decision is not to take your application further on this occasion.

Should you wish to re-apply for a similar position again in the future, please note we cannot accept another application within one year.

Due to the high volume of applications we are unable to offer feedback.

May we thank you for the time you have given us and wish you every success in the future.

Yours sincerely
British Airways Recruitment

Never mind...

I printed all of my work so far and presented it to Simon yesterday. I thought that Guardianwork had ended. I have applied for all of the jobs. There was a satisfaction that I had completed the challenge.

Incidentally, when I printed it off for Simon, I picked up a pile of plain paper to put in the printer; Just a random amount. I clicked print, and guess what?

I had put in the exact number of pages required to print it.

Ten heads in a row, nothing on my paper picking abilities.

2008-02-11T21:53:00.001Z

Hello!!!!!

Just looked at the last bit you said about earlier.

Got to admit that I felt really sad when I watched the clip last off, does that sound a bit odd?

Well, hopefully you will read this e-mail soon, as I'm sure you won't be picking them up as quickly now you're not on your computer as often.

Thanks for a great 6 months, and an insight into 'Ian Carpenter' aged 34.

Take care, love you loads, and hope to speak soon.

Ali

What do I do now?

2008-02-11T15:11:00.000Z

Monday 11th February

Guess what?

There is a bonus page!!!

What I thought were just adverts on page thirty are in fact just that: they are adverts, adverts for jobs!!!

Underneath the article about Paul Smith, a software engineer from Harrogate, are some more job adverts! Incidentally Paul found the IT market tougher than he expected.

It is a good thing that I did not throw the paper away... Then where would I have been?

There are Luton Based Opportunities for working at Vauxhall Motors. Sadly, an agency.

Oh pants.

www.graduate-recruitment.co.uk, another agency.

Got Jobs for Graduates, ditto.

Oh these adverts are not so good after all.

PFJ, another agency...

How frustrating is this?

Brand and Brown are looking for a graduate, to join their training programme.

'Send us your CV , together with a 200-word newspaper style article (either fictitious or real) about an aspect of your university life.'

Dear Madam/Sir

I came across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling like I had just eaten some Sharon fruit for the first time.

You asked that I submit my CV with a 200 word article about my university life.

Here is an extract from a recent project regarding my first encounter with Garrett:

Garrett and I met for the first time at Bath University. I pitched up, with my Mum and Dad in tow on my first day. We all faffed around for a while, before my parents and entourage left me on my own, for the first time.

It was very daunting.

Stuck in a breeze block room, that was so small, it was a lucky thing that I didn't have a cat that liked to be swung.

Bambi-like, I timidly ventured out into the corridor. The first place I headed to was the communal toilets.

As you do.

Garrett was in the toilets/washroom, shaving. This area was shared between 26 student flats. You can imagine the state that this area found itself in after a few weeks. So Garrett was the first person I met in my new adult life.

Garrett; "Alright? My name is Garrett." (Extending his hand)

Me: "Yes I'm ok, my name is Ian." (Shaking Garrett's hand, yes I am a proper adult now.)

Garrett: "Do you want a beer?"

Me: "Well ok then."

It was a bit more convoluted than that, but essentially Garrett and I were destined to be friends for a long time; that was 17 years ago.

I hope that you enjoy it.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

The final, final job is for Head of Global Risk Department with Merchant International.

'A small but well-established corporate security and strategic risk consultancy is looking to hire a new head of the global risk department. The position requires a strong background in the political and strategic risk consulting arena with a focus on emerging markets. The successful candidate will manage a small team of researchers and have primary responsibility for developing new business and restructuring our product portfolio.'

Dear Madam/Sir

I read with interest your advert for Head of Global Risk. I felt a bit like I had just taken a deep breath before a job interview.

I am exceptionally good at Global Risk. Two Austrian friends of ours, Gert and Tina, once invited us over for a game. I lost, but my strategy was very good. I think I was put off by the viener schnitzell.

Anyway, I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

That is it.

Done.

2008-02-09T16:26:00.001Z

2008-02-09T14:24:00.000Z

Saturday 9th February 2008

I woke up this morning with a huge sense of achievement. I felt like a dolphin that has managed to swim through a dolphin friendly tuna net.

So what do I do now? I sent a text message to The Challenger, my sister Alison, and Garrett to let them know that I have finished it.

So, I have come to the end of the journey. It has been a journey that has taken me to, well to my computer mostly. It has also taken me to a Swiss Bank in Geneva, I have bought a pair of socks from a Swiss Granny, and Josie's Mum has knitted me three gloves. Incidentally, Josie's mum is a Great Granny, so technically they are Great Granny Gloves. Oh, I can teach Richard Branson a thing or two about 3G.

I found the Guardian Work dated 29/09/07 strewn on the office desk this morning. I was then wondering what I should do with it. Various people have offered suggestions along the way.

I could frame it, but that seems a bit pointless really.

I could recycle it. This would hardly make up for the carbon wellington boot print left by trips down by Mum and Phyllis, and my weekend to Chamonix.

Emma once suggested that I make a giant origami sculpture out of it; now that would be interesting. I could make a crane the size of a, well crane.

I don't know what to do. I will ponder it while I am watching the (inferior, in my opinion) six nations this afternoon.

Barrynormal sent me a text:

'Do I have to keep checking the blog for new entries or is that really it? The sad day has cometh
:('

Well, I am afraid that that is it. There may be a few loose ends; I still have outstanding applications with a few people, but essentially I am done.

That reminds me, I still have his onions. On which note, I got a reminder from e-bay that I needed to pay £1.17 for the listing fee.

2008-02-08T22:54:00.000Z

Friday 9th February 2008

I knew that this day would come, even when I originally took on the challenge. There was going to be a finite day when it ends. There are only a finite number of jobs in The Guardian dated 29/09/07, it has to end at some time. It could have ended last night. I chose not to end it. So it was with a heavy heart that I woke up this morning and realised that this may be it. This may be the final day of Guardianwork.

I went downstairs and we had run out of Douwe Egberts coffee.

Pants.

I had to drink the horrible Nescafé stuff that is there for emergencies.

I went up to have a shower, and guess what?

No shower Gel.

It was then that I realised the Nicky's genius supermarket buying strategy. Tiare flower and patchouli hand wash is a lot more useful when you need to wash than a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

How was I to know?

So here I am.

Thank you for submitting your application to join the Area Manager Training Scheme. We will endeavour to respond within 14 days of receiving your application. In the meantime, may we take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in Aldi.

The Yale University Press wants

'A Senior Publicist with one years trade experience handling your own books[.]

Production Editor for illustrated list including Pevsner Architectural Guides[.]'

Dear Katie

Did you realise that your advert was the last advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07? Did you have to pay extra for that privilege?

I note that you are looking for a Senior Publicist. You have asked for one year’s experience of handling your own books. I do handle my own books, and have done on a regular basis. I like to categorise them into sections. For instance, I have a travel section, a poetry section, and a section for all of my annuals that I collect every year. My personal favourite is the Beano. I don’t think that the Dandy quite cuts the mustard.

You are also looking for a Production Editor. I would be grateful if you could provide more information on the Pevsner Architectural Guide, as I am not familiar with their work.

I have enclosed my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

That is it!!!!!!

THE END

It is all over.

I have done it.

I have applied for every job in The Guardian Dated 29/09/07. Well, apart from charity jobs, and some that had passed their apply by dates.

I am going to raise a glass tonight (sadly not Holsten Pils). I may even get the Champagne Parachute cork out; who knows?

Let's see what happens.

2008-02-07T22:37:00.000Z

Thursday 7th February 2008

When I was at school, I played Rozencrantz in Tom Stoppard's Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. In the opening scene, I had to toss a coin and it land heads up time after time. We tried a double headed coin, a piece of wood, all sorts. In the end, we decided it was better to mime the coin tossing.

I mention this because Derren Brown produced a show called the System. During this programme, he tossed a coin heads ten times in a row. Apparently, it took him over nine hours of coin tossing.

I had cleared my desk of paperwork the other day and came across a two pence piece.

Having spoken about the Derren Brown Programme with Simon (The Challenger), I thought that I might give it a go:

First throw:
Heads.

Second Throw:

Heads.

Third Throw:

Heads.

Blimey I am really on to something here, I didn't need to mime all of those years ago.

Fourth Throw:

Tails.

Pants.

I nonchalantly tossed the coin to Simon to see if he could do any better. He was in the middle of a telephone call, so it had to wait.

First throw:

Heads.

Second Throw:

Heads.

Third throw:

Heads.

Fouth throw:

Heads.

Fifth throw:

Heads.

I am starting to take interest now.

Sixth, seventh, and eighth throw, all heads.

Ninth throw:

Heads.

I'm trying not to believe that this is happening. All of the throws were interrupted by various telephone calls.

The final throw was Heads!

Ten in a row!

It took Derren Brown nine hours of filming, and Simon had done it on his first attempt.

Amazing.

I applied to Sophie Macpherson with:

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling that I had just skipped a stone seven times on the sea.

You mentioned that experienced registrars need only apply.

Sorry, but I am not an experienced registrar, but would like to apply anyway.

Please find attached my CV.

I look forwards to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

The response was:

Dear Ian,Thank you very much for sending in your CV to Sophie Macpherson Ltd. I have passed it to my colleagues (noting your particular interest!) for review and should a position suitable to your interests and experience arise, they will be in contact with you.

If you do not object we will also keep your details on file for future reference.

If you have any further queries then please do not hesitate to contact us on 0207 636 9878. We wish you every success in your search and hope we can be of assistance.

Kind regards

Fantastic!

No other responses, so on I go with the jobs...

Aldi keep writing to me. Every week, I receive an e-mail for their area manager positions.
They now have an advert on the final page of my quest for:

well,

Area Managers.

Apply on line, so I did:

Dear Madam/Sir

I saw your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I have applied for every other advert in the newspaper, but I have not had one interview, as yet.

I hope that your job will be different.

I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Plantech were looking for an IT Trainee, apd 9/10/2007.

Media Contacts: Recruitment consultants.

The Chesterfield and North East Derbyshire Council for Voluntary Service & Action Ltd; Charity I'm afraid.

Although, their Acronym would be CNEDCVCSA.

It rolls of the tongue, doesn't it?

Norfolk Dance were looking for a Director; APD 29/10/07.

The final job...

Nearly six month's work and here it comes:

This is it, this is the end of the quest.

I can't do it now can I?

No, because question time is on. I will do it tomorrow.

2008-02-06T23:12:00.000Z

Wednesday 6th February 2008

I have just watched England play Switzerland in a firendly, and Fabio Cappello's first game in charge. It was a good game, and England won 2-1.

It reminded me that Martin, one of my contractors at work, had played the opening game of Maersk v Irlam in the Lorry four nations.

Apparently Denmark took an early lead somewhere around 21a on the M25. James Irlam got a late equaliser on the slip road of junction 24. The away leg ended 1-1.

The home leg was a boring nil-nil.

So results as they stand:

Team P W L D F A GD PTS
France 2 2 0 0 18 13 5 6
Denmark 2 0 0 2 1 1 0 2
Scotland 2 0 0 2 1 1 0 2
England 2 0 2 0 13 18 -5 0

(It works better in a table, which you can't make on this blog site)

The full fixtures are as follows:

Match day one:

France 10 England 8 (R)
England 5 France 8 (R)
Denmark 1 Scotland 1 (R)
Scotland 0 Denmark 0 (R)

Match Day two

France v Denmark
Denmark v France
England v Scotland
Scotland v England

Match Day three

France v Scotland
Scotland v France
England v Denmark
Denmark v England

So many games, and so little time.

So on with the jobs...

The Chinese Art Centre were looking for an Administrative Co-ordinator. It was a shame that you had to apply by the 19/10/07, I have now mastered Mahh Jongg.

Deputy Editor Observer Sport Monthly.

'In the first instance please send us a short critique of the magazine and suggestions for how you might approach this job.'

Really.

Really.

I am glad that the apply by date has passed.

Sothebys!

Were looking for a graduate trainee in their 19th Century Continantal Paintings Department.
It was a good job, but the apply by date was 12th October 2007.

It is currently 10.40, and I have just come accross JML, the shopping channel. I need to do some research for this application.

Dear Maria

I felt like I was jumping off the high diving board when I saw your advert in the Guardian dated 29/07/07.

I appreciate that I am late in applying, but I would like to apply for your positions.

I have carried out extensive research on your three channels. Tonight, for example, you were selling the Nicer Dicer on Channel 631, the Easy Stitch on 632 and on Channel 657 you were selling the Dri-Buddi.

I would like to submit a new product for your shopping channel:

The No-Inky-Pinky!

You know when you read a newspaper, your fingers get covered in ink? Well here is the solution, a patented (well not quite yet) set of rubber gloves that protect your hands from ink stain, from reading a paper.

It is at a very early stage in development, and I would welcome your suggestions for improvement. I reckon the retail value would be around £11.97 (but you could but two for £23.75).

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind Regards

Ian Carpenter

There are only six jobs left to apply for, so I am really in the final, final straight...

2008-02-05T23:34:00.000Z

Tuesday 5th February 2008

Happy Super Duper Tuesday day everyone!

Apart from being super duper Tuesday, it is also pancake day! Traditionally, this is where everyone grabs whatever left-overs they have stored in their larder and chucks it all in a pan before lent.

Well metaphorically, that is what I have been doing tonight. Following last night's catastrophe, I have been cobbling together various bits of Guardianwork that I have saved around my computer, and chucking it all into one Bill Gate's pan; Microsoft Word.

I think that I have managed to retain most things, phew!

However, due to the general panic, I have missed a couple of e-mails over the weekend:

Now bearing in mind I applied with:

Dear Christian

I stubbed my right toe on your advert in The Guardian dated 29/9/07.

I notice that you were looking for a Executive PA to manage the affairs of a dynamic couple. I currently jointly manage the affairs of my partner Nicky and I.

Nicky is more of the ideas person, and I tend to be the “do-er”. For example, yesterday we were in the supermarket, and Nicky realised that we needed a lemon to put in the piece of trout that I was going to have for dinner. She came up with the idea, but I was off straight away to retrieve it. (Incidentally, they had been moved from their usual place, and put on the end of an aisle with the pancake mix, as it is Pancake Day on Tuesday.)

I hope that I am the type of person that you are after. I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

To receive:

Hi Ian - I'm afraid this position was filled some months ago

many thanks

Christian Gibbon - Practice Manager

Was a little disappointing.

Workshop places left for February 23rd

Why not make 2008 the year your travel writing really takes off?

Full details are below, plus feedback from the last workshop. If you can't make this one bear in mind that the next workshop will be on March 29th.Pllease ignore this mail if you have already booked or are in the process of booking.With best wishes PeterFeedback from the January 2008 workshopAny aspiring travel writer would find your course very usefulindeed, dealing as it does, with the whole process from initial ideathrough research to the writing itself and, of course, the most importantaspect - getting it published and paid for.

THANK YOU!Richard OlivierI really enjoyed the workshop. I thought your style and content wereabsolutely spot-on. I will definitely recommend the workshop tofriends and colleagues.I expect to have a travel article published in the next 2-3 months!

Graham MooreMany thanks; I found the day very very useful,

very focussed, and covering an immense amount of material. My chances of getting my travel writing published have increased a very great deal.Excellent value for money.

Sue WallThanks for a most inspiring workshop

Peter!Gina BaksaExcellentRebecca Hughes-DaviesMoney well spent!

Gus MacDonald Keen to see your travel adventures in newspapers and magazines? Why not attend the ____________________________________________________________TRAVEL WRITING WORKSHOP

Hmm.

Dear Ian

We understand that you have recently applied to British Airways for the position of Leaders for Business 2008, UKLHW631.

We are writing to advise you that we currently have full time vacancies for Commercial Business Analysts, UKLHR595, based at London Heathrow, which may be of interest to you. For further details of these vacancies and to apply please visit our website, www.ba.com/careers.

Thank you for your interest in British Airways.
We look forward to meeting you.

Yours sincerely

BA Recruitment

Hang on, this feels like the NHS positions.

Apply Online

Have you applied for this role within the last 12 months?

No.

Apply Online

Thank you, please move on to the next question.

Do you have the right to live and work in the UK indefinitely and without restriction?

Apply Online

Thank you. You will be asked to provide proof of your unrestricted right to live and work indefinitely in the UK should your application go through to the next stage. Please move on to the next question.

Do you hold an EU passport with unrestricted worldwide travel or a passport issued by one of the following accession states:- Estonia Hungary Latvia Lithuania Slovakia Czech Republic Slovenia Cyprus Malta

YApply Online

Thank you. You will be asked to bring in your passport should your application go through to the next stage. If you do not hold a European Union passport we will not continue with the assessment process. Please move on to the next question.
Are you able to provide names and addresses of referees covering 5 years continuous work and/or academic history?

You wrote to me, for pity's sake.

Anyway all submitted, and let's move on.

2008-02-04T22:45:00.000Z

Monday 4th February 2008

A fairly catastrophic thing has happened this evening.

I have lost the entire Guardian Work file on my computer.

Oh pants.

2008-02-03T23:35:00.000Z

Sunday 3rd February 2008

As discussed yesterday, the six nations Rugby started. They have blatantly nicked my idea with the Four Nations Lorry Championship. I will have to be careful about putting more of my ideas on here.

The Mining Institute’s motto is Moneo et munio; Everyday is a school day. Yesterday I learnt about the fairly tasteless Sharon Fruit. Moneo et munio means I advise and defend, and is also the heraldic motto for the Elphinstone Family.

Their job was to be found on the Guardian Jobs website (The Mining Institute, not the Elphinstone Family). I did a quick search:

Found 11906 jobs

That would be ridiculous; I could be here for ever.

I could not find their job for Fundraising and Education staff.

Unicorn were looking for an Education Manager. APD Friday 5 October 2007:

‘For further information visit www.unicorntheatre .com or send an A4 sae (65p) to: Stage Door, Unicorn Theatre, 147 Tooley Street, London[.]’

So you have to apply to the stage door?

‘Dynamic couple requires experienced executive PA to manage their schedules and affairs, both business and private…www.tlastudio.co.uk’

Hmm.

Dear Christian

I stubbed my right toe on your advert in The Guardian dated 29/9/07.

I notice that you were looking for a Executive PA to manage the affairs of a dynamic couple. I currently jointly manage the affairs of my partner Nicky and I.

Nicky is more of the ideas person, and I tend to be the “do-er”. For example, yesterday we were in the supermarket, and Nicky realised that we needed a lemon to put in the piece of trout that I was going to have for dinner. She came up with the idea, but I was off straight away to retrieve it. (Incidentally, they had been moved from their usual place, and put on the end of an aisle with the pancake mix, as it is Pancake Day on Tuesday.)

I hope that I am the type of person that you are after. I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

END OF PAGE 28!!!!!!!!!

The final straight.

I watched the Norbert Dentressangle versus James Irlam rugby match this afternoon. I will admit that perhaps their game has more sponsorship potential than mine. You can write RBS as many times as you want on that great big pitch.

The Nobby national anthem is so much better than Stobby’s.

2008-02-03T10:49:00.001Z

Saturday 2nd February 2007

I ate something I had never eaten today for lunch.

Sharon fruit.

It tasted of, well pretty much nothing, a bit sweet, with the texture of an apple crossed with nectarine.

I did this because Nicky and I performed our usual Ceilidh in the Supermarket this afternoon. When we get back home and start unpacking I always discover things that I have never seen in the shop before, let alone would ever consider buying.

Recent Nicky acquisitions include:

100% organic Lemon Balm & Orange Blossom Conditioner.

Lemon, Rosemary and Walnut hand and nail cream.

Triare Flower & Patchouli Hand Wash.

Warm Vanilla & Neroli Hand Wash (Yes you have a choice of hand washes in our bath room).

Sharon Fruit.

My recent acquisitions:

Bread with the tiger skin pattern on it.

Cheese and onion crisps.

Beer (preferably Holsten Pils) Recently they have changed the flavour of this essential item. I have written to Carlsberg to complain, but have yet to have a response.

Frozen chips (the thin ones from waitrose).

A lemon.

I think that I may have already mentioned that I got the wireless network sorted at home. This means that I can sit in the dining room, while Nicky is upstairs doing work for, well work. I also realised that I could print stuff on the printer upstairs, right where Nicky is working. So we can still communicate.

I spent the afternoon watching the rugby and sending printed messages to Nicky upstairs.

It was no subterranean homesick blues, but it kept me amused.

I will plant some trees, I promise, and then I will walk over the discarded paper, whilst poets pass behind me.

2008-02-02T00:03:00.000Z

Friday 1st February 2008

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I hope that makes sense to you.

I should never have bought those socks from Rita.

I could have shaped the Healthcare of the good people of the East Midlands, but alas, I had to apply by 31/10/07.

Campden Publishing wanted a "supersub". Apparently media speak for a subeditor. Closing date 12th October 2007.

Courtyard in Herefordshire were looking for a Programmer, but sadly they are a charity.

The Guardian themselves wanted a PA to the HR director. APD 6/10/07.

Youth Worker for the Jennifer Trust: Charity.

Tricycle were looking for an Artist in Residence, apply by date 29/10/07.

Blackpig were lookig for Account Directors, creative designers and Artworkers. APD 15/10/07.

Page 28 is rubbish. All of the adverts have passed their apply by dates, or they are charities. Surely there must be some advert without an apply by date here?

Redress: Charity Development Director.

I am quickly, too quickly, reaching the end of this challenge. I know I have likened it to Christine Ohurugu, but it really is. I feel like a runner turning the final bend; methodically plodding towards an inevitable goal.

Gather rosebuds and certainly seize the day.

2008-01-31T22:45:00.000Z

Thursday 31st January 2008

I’ve only just received this email and needless to say the position has been filled.

They didn't even bother to sign off. I didn't really want to work for GEpublishing anyway.

The Children's Workforce Development Council know how acronyms should work:

CWDC.

Take that, Manchester University.

Sadly a charity.

Harrow Council were looking for a Referral and Assessment Service Manager, APD 17/10/07.

'Children's Services is undergoing a quiet revolution! We have an exciting vision for the future that will provide fully integrated services that emphasise partnership and participation. Our recent JAR inspection in November 2006 rated Children's services as good overall.'

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed your advert for the Referral and Assessment Service Manager in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Obviously, the apply by date has long passed.

I would, however, like to congratulate you on your recent JAR inspection. I have recently been given a nice jar of onions by an old friend called Phyllis. I auctioned them for charity on e-bay, and they were bought for a rather impressive £5.07 by Barrynormal.

If you would like to know more about my JAR, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

2008-01-30T23:30:00.000Z

2008-01-30T23:19:00.000Z

Wednesday 30th January 2008

‘On the 22nd March 1951 The Maersk Company Limited was incorporated, in part to enable a representation in the United Kingdom by A.P. Møller, a Danish shipowner. Mr A.P Moller was one of the first Directors to sit on the board of TheMaersk Company Limited.’

‘James Irlam, the Grandfather of David, Michael and Stewart started his one man business back in the 1940’s when he was a market gardener based in Ringway. But when the building of Manchester Airport began, his land stood in the way of runway development and he was forced to relocate to the Chelford area. From here, James transported milk churns to the Manchester dairies and returned with corn supplies for local farms – so no empty running even then!’

Oh pants, I thought they were from Scotland.

I had an idea, whilst playing Nobby v Stobby on the way to Feltham today. We could have a four nation’s competition between France (Norbert Dentressangle), England (Eddie Stobbard), Denmark (Maersk), and (as I thought) Scotland (James Irlam). But James Irlam are from Manchester.

The quite worrying thing is that I found the James Irlam Picture on Lorryspotting.com. Yes it really does exist.

I thought the paranormal thing was weird, but this could take me into all sorts of list based, Saturday mornings at train stations.

Me: E555667, Nathan?

Nathan: Yes, I have got that one. I saw it in Grantham Train Station.

It really won’t. It is just a thing to keep me amused on boring motorway journeys.

The African Cup of Nations (Or is it The Nations Cup of Africa) is just about to end, so we need a new tournament. I think the Lorry Four Nations could fill the void. Well, except that it is technically three nations, but poetic license lets James Irlam represent Scotland rather than Manchester.

All teams are to play each other twice, home and away. The away leg will be played on the way to somewhere; the home matches will be played, well on the way home.

The first games were played today, to and from Feltham.

Nobby was at home, and took an early lead at junction 29 of the M25. I have to agree with sports reporter Steve, it is like eating a doughnut without licking your fingers.

England came back with an early hat-trick, thanks to an assist by one of those double lorry things.

1-3.

Then Nobby had a fantastic turn of form. By Junction 26 it was 6-3, thanks to some great finishing by one of their substitutes (Known as 'The Tanker').

6-4, then 7-4, then England pulled one back at Junction 24, 7-5.

8-5,8-6,8-7, come on we are at junction 21a now, surely momentum is with England!!!

The Nobby showed the typical French class. Arsene Wenger claims not to have seen it, but Nobby won 10-8.

The Home leg:

Myself and Arsene saw no action until St Albans when Stobby took the lead. It was then pretty slow going, each side testing each other out all the way to junction 24, where it was 4-3.
No action until Junction 28, where we had a flurry of goals.

5-3
5-4
6-4
7-4
8-4
8-5

This is because I was sat still in traffic for an hour.

Anyway, bad light stopped play, and France have taken an early lead in the Championship.
Current standings:

Team P W L D F A GD Pts

France 2 2 0 0 18 13 5 6
Denmark 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Scotland 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
England 2 0 2 0 13 1 8 -5 0

2008-01-29T23:27:00.000Z

Tuesday 29th January 2008

Well, all in all it has been a pretty tough week. More so than I can let on, for some fairly obvious reasons. So all this has meant that I have forgotten to relate my letter from Nigel Chopping; remember him?

Goalkeeper in the Lumberjacks eleven.

He wrote me a letter to say that he was dealing with my Tree Preservation Order issue in the Winchmore Hill area of London. If, however he was out of the office, I could speak to his colleague.

Guess what his name was?

No, go on, guess...

Give up?

Ashley McAlpine.

Honestly, I do not make this stuff up.

I think Ashley should probably make the bench of the Lumberjacks XI. Is it a pre-requisite of the job that you could appear in the Lumberjacks eleven? You can imagine the interview:

Tree Company's HR person: So why do you want to work in lumber jacking?

John Smith: Well, I did a degree in arboriculturalism, and I like being outdoors.

Tree Company's HR person: Well, that is all very well and good, but your name has nothing to do with trees.

John Smith: But I have trained for this for years. I have been to Wales and everything.

Tree Company's HR person: Well, I'm sorry, but your name is just not up to scratch.

John Smith: My middle name is Sycamore, does that help?

Tree Company's HR person: Ok, you can have the job, as long as you pretend Sycamore is your first name.

So on with the jobs...

'Experience isn't essential, but it is guaranteed'

WJP Floyd are looking for a Junior Designer:

'This is your chance to learn the ropes with a medium-sized advertising agency...And you will do it all as part of a small, close-knit studio team.'

Dear Savannah

I spotted your advert in The Guardian Dated 29/09/07. I was really impressed with your tag line.

Your advert stated that this would be an opportunity for me to learn the ropes. I am really excited about this. I was in the Cubs as a young boy, but I never achieved my Knots Badge, as I was unable to pull off a Lanyard Hitch Knot. I look forward to learning this from you.

Secondly, I was impressed that you have a small close-knit studio team. I have recently taken up the fine art of knitting. It is a long story that I would quite happily expand on at interview, if required. It all started with a Granny from Switzerland knitting my mother in law a pair of socks for Christmas.

Anyway, I have no experience of Quark, Photoshop, or illustrator, but I would like to apply anyway (Mainly for the rope opportunities).

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

GE FABBRI Production Assistant APD 15/10/07.

'Xtaster is one of the UK's leading youth marketing companies operating at the vanguard of an evolving market place.'

I'm frightened already.

Dear Joy

Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 left me with a level of increased anxiety.

I would like to apply for your position; however I am 35 years old this year, and wondered whether this would rule me out?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Harrow Children's Services; ethical no no.

Southend on Sea Borough Council, who would have thought that? Well, I could have been their ICT Group Manager or ICT Strategist/Business Business Partner for Children and Learning. Closing date 12/10/07.

Guess what?

I am about to turn the last page over, I have reached the end of page twenty seven.

Breathe in, hold, and out...

Come on,

I can do this...

Done.

2008-01-28T23:29:00.000Z

2008-01-28T23:26:00.000Z

Monday 28th January 2008

I arrived at work this morning and Josie came over from Solicitors' Enquiry Department.
When I originally bought the hand-knitted Swiss socks for Jean for Christmas, I had this idea of starting my own endeavour. I asked several people around the office whether they had a Granny that was prepared to knit me a pair of gloves. It was all pre-christmas hilarity, and everyone said, of course they would ask their respective Grannies to knit me a pair of gloves.
I have heard nothing since, until this morning.

As I say, Josie from SED (as we like to call it in the office) came over with a package in a waxed, brown paper bag. It was not just a pair of gloves, but three gloves!!!
How truly amazing?

I was actually brought to tears to think that Josie's Mum had been knitting these things for the last two months, because I had found this website about Swiss Grannies knitting socks, had gone into the office and asked people to ask their grannies to knit gloves, and it happened.
In the picture, you can see my feeble effort at trying to knit.
It is not easy.

And yet Josie's Mum (A Granny) has knitted me the most perfect gloves. They even fit me perfectly.

Thank you Josie's Mum.

Foxtons? Hmmm....

The Yorkshire Post are looking for a business editor.

Dear Peter

I have come across your advert in The Guardian dated 29/09/07 for the above position.

I have to admit, that I have never been to Leeds.

I do however feel that I have a link to the City, as I am a big fan of Martin Kelner.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

I feel like I am hitting the wall in a marathon. Come on Christine, help me out here please.

2008-01-26T21:10:00.000Z

Saturday 26th January 2008

Some serious news.

The telly man came this morning to fix my telly in the dining room. Avid readers will have noticed that I sit in the dining room, smoking fags, whilst Nicky sits in the Lounge, in a smoke free haven. Well, for 8 years that has meant that I have to watch whatever is on the living room telly on the Sky channel (Sorry Jean, we did hide the dish behind the chimney so you didn't know we were giving money to Murdoch).

Well, he has given me a 'magic eye', which means that I can now control the Sky from the dining room.

It is brilliant!

Nicky went to bed this afternoon, while I sat there flicking through the interactive functions on the telly. There is NHS DIrect and everything. Alphabetically listed, there is every disease known to the science world. Molière's Malade Imaginaire would have had a field day.

For the last four years, I have been watching either BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 or Teacher's TV. Now I have a limitless world of pointless drivel.

It is brilliant.

You know when you are watching the bowls, and it is coming to a really exciting climax? They say, press the red button. I couldn't. But now I can. I can watch the climax of darts, snooker, I can see the weather whenever I like.

It is brilliant.

And my wireless internet is working properly. I am a fully modern human being, down with the kids. I can sit in the dining room; playing scrabble with Derek from Melbourne, whilst watching re-runs of the A-team. What a life!

I tried to write a bit of the blog down in the dining room, but it wasn't right. A bit like the Lez and Liz, Liz and Lez situation, as discussed earlier. Just not right.

Anyway, I am concerned about the current acronym debate that is going on between me and Manchester University. I have decided to bring in some outside help:

Dear Madam/Sir

I am a keen supporter of Liverpool Football Club.

I have attached a copy of recent correspondence with Manchester University regarding acronyms.

I would be grateful if you could provide us with your opinion on the LFC versus LFOC debate. Could LFOC work for you? I mean, it would involve changing all of your merchandise, and replacing most of the seats in The KOP, but as a concept?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this matter.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Let's see if Liverpool Football Club has anything to add.

I thought that I had better not mention Havant and Waterlooville. They were 2-1 up at one stage.

On the subject of Liverpool v Havant, they had Jan Molby on the radio as co-commentator. Now, if ever there is someone to look up to when it comes to language skills, he is your man. He is completely fluent in scouse, without a trace of Danish. I will quote wikipedia:

'Jan Mølby (born July 4, 1963 in Kolding) is a former Danish professional football player who spent much of his football career at English club Liverpool, even acquiring something of a Scouse accent in the process.'
Something of a scouse accent?

On with the jobs.

JLA: Leading Speaker Bureau/Entertainment Agency in Central London seeks
Agent

Dear Penny

Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 was fantastic.

You are looking for an agent.

I looked up the word agent in my Griffin Savers Oxford Dictionary (Oxford University Press 1984:page 12):

‘Agent n 1. a person who does something or instigates some activity, he is a mere instrument not an agent.’

I have, by sending this e-mail.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling that I had just skipped a stone seven times on the sea.

You mentioned that experienced registrars need only apply.

Sorry, but I am not an experienced registrar, but would like to apply anyway.

Please find attached my CV.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

The telly in the dining room is brilliant.

2008-01-25T22:54:00.000Z

Friday 25th January 2008

The people from MIMAS have written back to me:

Dear Ian

The letters stand for Manchester Information & Associated Services. The word ‘and’ is very rarely included in acronyms such as this, and in this case I think they would simply have wanted to make the acronym easy to pronounce.

Best regards
Adam West
Central HR Admin Assistant
P
Help the planet to chill out - don't print this unless strictly necessary

Dear Adam

Thank you for your e-mail.

I agree the word ‘and’ is very rarely included in an acronym. Also, not generally included in an acronym is a letter in the middle of a word.

If we allow letters in the middle of words to form part of the acronym, then:

Liverpool Football Club

or

LFC

Could become

LFOC

Liverpool Football Club.

LFOC is much easier to pronounce than LFC.

I look forward to your thoughts on this matter.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

2008-01-25T21:38:00.001Z

Thursday 24th January 2008

So, we had another fun day at work today. I can not say what happened, as they are still going through the consultation process. Mind you, it was a horrible day. One day, all will be revealed.

No one has e-mailed me today.

2008-01-23T23:12:00.001Z

Dear Michael (Or should it be Michelle?)

Thank you for your e-mail, which gave me great encouragement.

I hope that the gender change operation passed off with no hiccups.

I regret to inform you that I can not take this application further. I would have loved to have punched some holes, in an assistant capacity. However, I am holophobic. That space in the middle that was once substance. It makes me feel a bit on edge.

However, I thank you for your response, and at least I know the going rate for holepunching.

That is; once I get over the phobia.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

2008-01-23T22:46:00.000Z

Wednesday 23rd January 2008

Lot's of e-mail traffic today:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your e-mail enquiring about the Office Manager position at Arrow Therapeutics. We have now filled this vacancy and unfortuanately, we do not have any other administrative positions available at present.

Thank you for your interest in Arrow and I wish you good luck in your search for a suitable position.

Kind regards

Head of Personnel
Arrow Therapeutics

And:

Dear Ian

MIMAS stands for Manchester Information & Associated Services and is based at University of Manchester.

For further info please see their website here: http://www.mimas.ac.uk/

Best regards
Central HR Admin Assistant
P
Help the planet to chill out - don't print this unless strictly necessary

And:

Southend to Brentford and back
22 Jan 08

On the A127 it occured to me that the Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart game is dangerous. Particularly as it encourages driving without due care and attention.

I decided not to play.

I then discovered it is now physically impossible not to play. Try it. Its like eating a sugar donut without licking your lips. Impossible.

Things looked promising with Stobby maintaining the lead until I reach Nobbyland betwix A10 and A12 on the return when the score went from an amazing 10-10 to a soul destroying 15-10 to Nobby.

Luckily I didn't get arrested or killed.

From Steve.

Creative support wanted a practice learning coordinator: APD 22/10/07.

The Arch Nemesis were looking for someone to work in HM YOI Aylesbury. APD 22/10/07. Hmm the same as the last job.

Editor:Euromoney handbooks. It had disappeared from guardianjobs.co.uk.

Dear Adam

Thank you for your reply.

I’m still a bit unsure as to why it is MIMAS and not just MIAS. Where do you get the extra M from? If you take the & symbol as an A, it should be MIAAS.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

PS My Dad went to Manchester University

Tomorrow, I have to have an interview for my own job. This should be a bit weird.

2008-01-22T23:27:00.000Z

Tuesday 22nd January 2008

The University of Manchester wanted a MIMAS development officer (Geodata Services Software enigeer).

Thanks for the clarification.

Dear Madam/Sir

I came across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that the apply-by date has long passed, but I had a few questions regarding your advert.

Firstly, I would like to congratulate your University Challenge team for beating Trinity College Cambridge yesterday on BBC 2.

Secondly, I would be grateful if you could clarify what MIMAS stands for.

I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Nosweat Journalism is a course of study, and not a job.

The Royal Liverpool Philharmonic were looking for a Development Assistant. Closing date for applications 15/10/07.

The B2B and Consumer Interviewers advert looks a bit suspect, I will call them later, when I call Harriett from Foxtons.

END OF PAGE 26!!!!!!

The Alpha Plus Group were looking for a Principal for the Davies, Laing, and Dick College, London. If this had not been an employment agency, I would have had to contact Nicola Fagg, shame really.

I have been following the progress of the American elections. Now, I can't wait until super-duper Tuesday.

Really, you could not make it up.

Super-duper Tuesday? It sounds like a primary school event, where little Johnny is allowed to bring in Ker-Plunk for the day. This is fairly important stuff, as the American people get to decide who, effectively, becomes the most powerful person in the World.

I feel a bit excited that I might be able to bring in fairy cakes and wear Mufti for the day.

Super-Duper Tuesday, honestly.

Could you imagine this happening in a British Election? The most glitz and glamour you get is when Mavis and Bill, who check your little white card off their list of names at the local primary school, give you a brand new pencil.

Generally it is a Thursday when we vote here. So let's start thinking about new names for our next General Election.

Thunder Thursday?

Super trouper Thursday? Where ABBA set the whole day off with a rendition of their famous song?

I wish I hadn't said that. I look forward to a night of falling off Canary Wharf with Sou-ouper Trou-ouper ringing in my ears.

Those lights are going to find me.

2008-01-21T23:39:00.000Z

Monday 21st January 2008

Just to clarify, I did not use Lindsey's toothbrush, thinking that it was mine.

Just making it clear.

So, page 26 starts with the University of Hertfordshire. Business Analyst (Systems and Planning), and a Business Information Officer. APD 15/10/07.

Gordonyates; Agency.

Not a good start.

Development Manager for The Charleston Trust (Charity). However I did not know that:

'Charleston, set in the beautiful Sussex Countryside, is the former home of the Bloomsbury Artists Duncan Grant and Vanessa Bell. Owned band run by the Charleston Trust it is one of Britain's most successful small museums.'

Every day is a school day.

Walsall Council wanted YOS Practictioners (3 posts):

'Opportunities exist within the successful Youth Offending Services as it consolidates and progresses into a further period of development in the implementation of the Crime and Disorder Act 1998.'

1998?

That is ten years ago. I reckon they need to practice YOS a bit more often.

Westmister Children's Society, wanted people in Dagenham. It is a shame that it is a charity.

At last a job I can apply for...

Arrow Therapeutics wants an Office Manager.

Dear Madam/sir

I noticed your advert in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am nearly four months late, but I would like to apply for your Office Manager position.

I tried to connect to your web site this evening, but it was unavailable, therefore I have little to go on.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

And then...

Dear Peter

I was inspired by your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I noticed that your travel writing workshops were held on the 13th October and the 10th November 2007. Do you intend to repeat the workshops this year?

I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

University of Central Lancashire; UCLAN Makes you think:

'Senior Data Management Oficer

£25,134-£29,139, Market rate supplement to maximum £30,913 (reviewed annually)

1 year limited contract'

Really, where did they pull these numbers from? Let's enter a random set of numbers into the job advert. It could have been:

£54,321

or

£43,521

or

£12,345.

What gets me is that it is a one year limited contract (i.e. over in a year), and your salary is reviewed annually.

Closing date 12/10/07.

We have our interviews on Thursday. These are the interviews that determine whether we get to keep our jobs. The beauty in this is that I have been having the weirdest anxiety dreams in the world, and I look forward to more this evening.

I have fallen from the top of Canary Wharf twice over the last week.

I dreamt that all my work colleagues were stuck in the meeting room, talking rubbish for two hours, before pointing at me to take the blame for someone's boiler leaking on the feet of their recently purchased siamese cat.

I have been back on the banks of the Thames in London on the Millenium, more than once in the last week. My friend from uni, big Jim, trying to hold back the crowd as they surged towards the river. The river was set alight with fireworks, with Jim shouting:

"There is nothing to see here."

The point is people are people.

The corporation does not appreciate the affect it has on everyone.

2008-01-20T21:34:00.000Z

Sunday 20th January 2008

Yesterday, we went to visit a friend of mine from university (The first time around), Garrett, his wife Lindsey and their daughter. The more observant will have noticed that I forgot to send Garrett a birthday card last year.

Garrett and I met for the first time at Bath University. I pitched up, with my Mum and Dad in tow on my first day. We all faffed around for a while, before my parents and entourage left me on my own, for the first time.

It was very daunting.

Stuck in a breeze block room, that was so small, it was a lucky thing that I didn't have a cat that liked to be swung.

Bambi-like, I timidly ventured out into the corridor. The first place I headed to was the communal toilets.

As you do.

Garrett was in the toilets/washroom, shaving. This area was shared between 26 student flats. You can imagine the state that this area found itself in after a few weeks. So Garrett was the first person I met in my new adult life.

Garrett; "Alright? My name is Garrett." (Extending his hand)

Me: "Yes I'm ok, my name is Ian." (Shaking Garrett's hand, yes I am a proper adult now.)

Garrett: "Do you want a beer?"

Me: "Well ok then."

It was a bit more convoluted than that, but essentially Garrett and I were destined to be friends for a long time; that was 17 years ago.

Garrett is the type of friend that I was quite happy to take home to my parents' house. The first time he went to the shop in the Forest of Dean, he brought flowers for my Mum. It was the first time in my life that I had seen this politeness, especially from a student.

Ever since then Garrett has played an incredibly important part in my life. He is the reason I am with Nicky today. Most people at Bath University actually managed to graduate, sadly I did not quite manage to. I left mid way through everyone's third year. As a consequence, I moved back home to Gloucester and I used to meet up with my graduated friends in London (That's where they all were) on the weekends.

One weekend, I was staying at Garrett's flat in Clapham, and we went to the Wessex Rooms night club. This is where I met Nicky. We have been together ever since.

So thank you Garrett, you have been one of the most important people in my life.

Erm...sorry I forgot your birthday card.

The fabulous thing about Garrett and Lindsey is that we haven't seen them for 2 and a half years, and yet when we walked in their house, it was as if we had seen them only this morning. The rugby was on the telly, and we all just sat down and didn't really say anything. We didn't need to. It was a kind of home from home. A friend of theirs came in to watch the rugby, called Damien. I introduced myself, having never seen this bloke in my life before, and he said:

"Oh hello Ian, I met you in Bath, you used to drive a white Astra."

That was seventeen years ago!!!

What a memory.

We had a great evening of general reminiscing and merriment. It is odd to think how grown up we all are. Garrett and Lindsey, Mum and Dad? Dad and Mum, see above. They make bloody good parents.

We learnt last night that Lindsey's Mum has been married three times. Guess what? All three men that she has been married to are called Peter. All three of them! How brilliant is that? I can kind of see how it might happen once.

But, for this to happen twice? Fantastic.

When I was at university (the first time) people used to call me Bob. This is because I bore a vague resemblance to Bob Mortimer. However, Garrett always called me E, and I always called Garrett G. Looking back now, it seems that Garrett always knew that Bob was an alter ego, not the real me. He also must have realised that we would still be in contact long after the madness of student life.

We woke up this morning and descended the stairs. It took a while to work out how to unlock the child gate thing, but it was all good. Once we had had coffee, and generally played with makka paka (a small teddy bear), and Florence the floppy bunny, we went upstairs to do our ablutions.

Now last night I did the usual thing, sitting up with G, talking about how I never finish things, drinking beer, and then going to bed without cleaning my teeth (Incidentally, if you want to sleep in the best duvet in the world, have a word with G and L).

When I went into the bathroom, my toothbrush was on the side of the sink.

What?

I went into Nicky, who was in the bedroom:

Me: Did you use my toothbrush last night?

Nicky: No Why?

Me: Well it is on the side of the sink.

It turns out that Lindsey uses the identical toothbrush to me. Now this may not seem too weird to people, but it was the same make, she had chosen the same colour band to put around it (blue), and had bought a special whitening head, as I had done.

I need to crack on...

Joslin Rowe, a recruitment company geared specifically for women. I guessed that form the pink. Having sat in a lecture with Prof Jane Lewis, I wondered what she might have to say about gender specific roles in the employment market.

Harrison Pursey, an agency for pit-bull terriers.

Philharmonia Orchestra wanted a Donor Development Manager and a Friends Manager.

Board Works needed a Senior Editor in Humanities and English, and Spanish and French, Maths and Science Editorial Assistants. APD 12th October 2007.

TNS hundreds of vacancies, see above.

Eclipse, property specialists! Hang on... Agency.

Chartered institute of Library and Information Professionals or Cilip. Come on, we have all heard of these people. Charity.

Handle: recruitment consultants.

END OF PAGE 25!!!!!!

2008-01-19T15:45:00.000Z

Saturday 19th January 2008

I received a fantastic reply this morning. The e-mail was sent at 7.20 a.m. this morning. Te refresh my memory I looked back to how I replied to Chelsea Square. I applied on the 4th January with:

Dear Michael

I fumbled across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I would like to apply for your position as Designer/Specifier.

I can not confess to be conversant with autoCAD. Is this one of those new computer games that you can talk to? I do not know of it, but I am willing to learn.

I do have a high level of design creativity, and a great deal of spatial awareness. In my opinion, Ursa Major looks nothing like a great bear, and as for the hunter Orion, I ask you.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

The response from Michael:

Ian,

Thank you for stumbling across our advert. I’m sorry for the late reply but have only just been discharged after my gender change operation. I am afraid we have filled the position, but we would like to offer you opportunity to apply for the vacancy of hole punch assistant. This is a part time position offering 36 minutes a week and feel that with your strong creativity skills you would be the ideal candidate. The salary is pro rata 50p per annum and you will of course be required to work shifts which shall include nights.

Please feel free to drop me a line should you have any questions.

Kind Regards

Michael Lansley

Well done Michael, you join a fairly exclusive club that includes Tottenham Hotspur and Patrick Meiier, a Swiss Banker.

2008-01-19T12:28:00.001Z

Friday 18th January 2008

Well, that was the week that was.

I forgot to take Harriet's telephone number to work, so I was unable to give her a call, I must do this next Monday.

2008-01-17T22:37:00.000Z

Thursday 17th January 2008

There is some fantastic news for spider lovers! The chain smoking spider must have produced an offspring before she popped her spider clogs of spider lung cancer. There is a new diddy spider that comes to the back window. I reckon this may have been as a result of the donation to Cancer Research UK. These people are brilliant, please give generously.

No responses today from job applications. Apart from an answer machine message from Harriet at Foxtons. They want me to contact them regarding my job application. Now forgive me, dear reader, but are these people mad? I really do not want to work for an estate agents, but they want to speak to me about my application. I applied to them on the 7th of January with:

Dear Harriet

I noted your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am a bit late in applying, but I would like to apply anyway.

This is in spite of the fact that I have no Photoshop skills, no knowledge of Quark Express, Illustrator or Acrobat.

I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

They want me to call them. I'll do it tomorrow, this should be interesting.

Me: Hello, I am returning your message.

Harriet: Yes, you want to be an image retoucher?

Me: Well, not really.

Harriet: Your application mentioned you do not have any of the skills that we require.

Me: Nope, I do not have the skills that you require.

Harriet: Great! When can you start?

The Arch Nemesis is looking for a Medical Workforce Assistant/Medical Recruitment Administrator. Closing date 15th October.

Royal College of Nursing Admin Assistant: Charity.

DINAS A SIR ABERTAWE, wanted an exhibitions assistant, but the application form is no longer on the website.

I have noticed that when you put petrol in nowadays, the Pounds counter goes up quicker than the litres counter.

All very odd.

2008-01-16T22:42:00.001Z

Wednesday 16th January 2008

It always amuses me at night, when I am dating this blog. I do the Peter Kay, looking at the watch thing when I want to check the date. Well observed Peter.

I spent the day in the fine county of Kent. To be precise, in Bromley and Dartford. As discussed earlier, it is all glamour here.

Now, one thing did strike me. The M25 is a fairly major road when getting around the South East. I mean, it is sign posted from here in Southend, and it is 19 miles away. However, the good people in Kent don't seem to want to know about it. Given that the M25 is probably only five miles from Bromley, do you think I could find a road sign for it? I ended up going back to the Blackwall Tunnel and back out again; plain ridiculous.

The road journey back from Dartford ended in a boring one-nil win for the French. I mean, sneaking in from the left just after the Dartford Tunnel; I ask you. I liken it to an Eric Cantona, except without the trawlers, or for that matter the seagulls. For better measure it is not like him at all.

Informa healthcare wanted two reporters.

Dear Alex

I am writing following your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

The apply by date was the 26th of October. I appreciate that I am three months late in applying.

Your advertisement asked that the candidate has strong pharmaceutical knowledge. Recently, the spam guard has broken at work, and we have been receiving countless e-mails about Viagra. This is a blue pill that particularly helped one man who had undergone a prostate cancer operation.

You also asked that the applicant should have a strong knowledge of German. I recently bought a pair of socks, knitted by a Swiss Granny. The entire transaction was carried out in German.

I hope that you will consider my application, even though it is ridiculously late.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

PS I have attached my CV

HCL Fairstaff: Agency.

The booksellers Association; charity.

Current Archaeology want a Magazine Designer. (Be honest, did you know Archaeology had an 'a' in it?)

APD 19/10/07.

END OF PAGE 24!!!!!

2008-01-16T21:06:00.001Z

Tuesday 15th January 2008

Work was fun again. Sword of Damocles does not quite cover it.

Anyway, £5.07 has been donated to Cancer Research; it is quite simple to do online.

Dear Mr Carpenter [well it was Barry really]

Thank you very much for your kind gift of £5.07 to support the work of Cancer Research UK. Your donation will go towards research into the causes of cancer, and help find effective ways to detect, treat and prevent the disease.

Cancer Research UK supports the work of around 3,500 scientists, doctors and nurses and undertakes a comprehensive programme of research in institutes, hospitals and universities throughout Britain and Northern Ireland.

Please keep this safe in case you have any queries. You might like to print this email or save it to your computer hard drive.

If you have any questions or would like further information on the work of Cancer Research UK, please do not hesitate to get in touch on 020 7121 6699 or by email at supporter.services@cancer.org.uk.

Yours sincerely

Claire Wilson
Head of Supporter Services
Cancer Research UK

No e-mails again this evening, so on with the jobs.

Digital UK were looking for a Press Officer, but the apply by date was 25/10/07.

Bespoke, Adrem, E J Church and Gordonyates are all recruitment companies.

Reveal wanted a Senior Writer:

'Do you have what it takes to work in a celebrity lifestyle weekly? Are you a skilled journalist, who has experience in doorsteps, doorknocking and is happy to travel from New Orleans to Newport in pursuit of an exclusive?'

I so wanted to apply to this, but apply by date has passed, and you have got to have a system.

2008-01-14T23:24:00.000Z

Monday 14th January 2008

Well, it happened. The corporation has given us 30 days notice that we may be made redundant. Harrumph. All in all, it was a fun day at work. Not dwelling on that, my computer is up the swanny. So I am working on the laptop, which is never good.

With renewed vigour, and a real sense that I might actually need a new job soon, I plough on. And where do I plough on to?

QVC: The shopping channel!

'Most work has a high level of post-production grading and styling'

Really?

Here is some tut for £59.99, please buy it.

'Applicants are expected to make an effort to understand the nature and style of QVC's promotional material and business and we would a showreel of your recent work.'

Brilliant.

APD 19/09/07, shame.

Real recruitment, see above.

Camp America wanted people. The possibilities with this advert are unbelievable, however APD 3/10/07.

I am re-thinking Forest Gump's inclusion on the left wing. He is a bit like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get.

2008-01-13T23:12:00.000Z

Sunday 13th January 2008

I made a video today for the magnificent six. That is the six people that regularly read my blog. One is Barry, given; the other is my sister Alison. Who the other four are, only time will tell. However, it seems that the video gave the impression that it was all over. It is not. I have five pages to go, the video was just to prepare me, and the magnificent six for when this thing finishes. I don't even know about the copywright laws for using Simon & Garfunkel's Boookends music, but who cares? This is the internet. One shared world of democratised knowledge.

I am a bit worried tonight.

They, as in them, as in the man, as in, the corporation, are going to give an announcement tomorrow. I could be looking for a job.

Take that Alanis Morissette.

Preserve your memories; they are all that's left you.

2008-01-11T23:38:00.000Z

Friday 11th January 2008

This is the second page in a row that I have seen this message from the Guardian:

'It is a condition of acceptance of advertisement orders that the proprietors of the Guardian do not guarantee the insertion of a particular advertisement on a specified date, or at although every effort will be made to meet the wishes of advertisers; further they do not accept liability for any loss or damage caused by any error or inaccuracy in the printing or non appearance of any advertisement, and reserve the right to edit or delete any objectionable wording or reject any advertisement. Although every advertisement is carefully checked [no it's not, what about the illegal money laundering thing?], occasionally mistakes do occur. We therefore ask advertisers to assist us by checking their advertisements carefully and advise us immediately should an error occur. We regret that we can not accept responsibility for more than ONE INCORRECT insertion and that no republication will be granted in the case of typographical or minor changes which do not affect the value of the advertisement. To ensure consistently high service levels, calls are randomly monitored by a sales manager.'

Hmm...

I have taken to watching the darts on the telly. It is great entertainment. I have a sneaking suspicion that the water in those bottles they are drinking is vodka. These people are used to playing darts in a pub, where you drink beer. They are not used to being on a stage in front of a thousand drunken people. It's all wrong. They should be able to have a pint and a fag. No wonder they all shake like a blancmange on a waltzer.

One of the darts players is a bloke called Woods. You can see how in the early school days, people would have called him woody, and then woody wood pecker. This bloke has taken it to the extreme. He has an arm length tattoo of PECKER, and has a peroxide Mohican. Really, is that necessary?

A great looky-likey: Darryl Fitton (the darts player) and Darren Clarke (the golfer).

2008-01-10T22:38:00.002Z

Thursday 10th January 2008

No tough meetings today, it was a day of generally clearing up paperwork that had accumulated on my desk. However, last night's ruminations on Nigel Chopping got me thinking of a Lumberjack's XI. Barry had started it, could it be finished? After putting the idea to Simon, Tanya, Steve, Kaylee, and Laura, we think we have come up with a good XI players (with two subs). So here it is, the Lumberjacks XI (Or Barking FC 2):

2008-01-10T22:38:00.001Z

2008-01-10T22:37:00.001Z

The Two subs would be Ronnie Wood, and Kate Bush.

Now let me talk you through the thinking.

Nigel Chopping has to be the Goalie, lead from the back, he started the whole thing off.

Theresa Green and Brown, I liken to the Neville brothers. A strong partnership at the heart of the defence. Tim Burr and Hugh Jacks will be the stalwart sweeping defenders.

In the midfield, we have George Bush, who is a natural right winger. Jane Saw and Edward Woodward gel well together (at least they did in training). Of course, Forest Gump on the left wing can run up and down there all day, and night, for several days, and nights.

Of course, up front are Alan Shearer and Johann Sebastian Bach. What a pairing? Plus Johann can play the piano in the after game sing-song.

I think it works as a well balanced team of players who would make good lumberjacks.

Anyway, no response again from any of the jobs I have applied for, so once again let's carry on...

JFL Search wanted a Media Relations Manager, and a Marketing Communications Manager in Zurich! Well, I have already been to Geneva, but sadly they are a recruitment company.

Hopes and Homes wanted a Head of Community Fund Raising; charity.

Internews wanted a Deputy Chief of Party to train journalists in Sudan; charity.

The Dukes wanted a Director, APD 29/10/07.

END OF PAGE 23!!!

2008-01-09T22:34:00.000Z

Wednesday 9th January 2008

I had a tough meeting this morning with a freeholder of one of the properties that I manage and their legal representatives. It was all let's sit round a big table and thrash something out type stuff. It was over some tree work that needed carrying out on a property in North London. It was morning, and quite tough. I felt like I wanted Phyllis to be there and to tell the horrible people to leave Ian alone, he's a nice boy really.

Anyway, the people we had arranged to do the tree work had kindly supplied a quotation for the removal of several trees. Guess what the tree surgeon's name was?

Really guess....

Nigel Chopping.

Fantastic! His name was Nigel Chopping.

This got me thinking, are there any other names that would be more appropriate to a lumberjack than Nigel Chopping?

I consulted with the usual cohort.

Barrynormal sent me by text at around 7.00 p.m. this evening:

Tim Burr
Theresa Green
Theresa Brown

It's a good start. I am sure there are more.

Anyway, no responses from any recent applications today, so on we go...

The University of Central Lancashire wanted a Faculty Marketing Planning Manager (I think they must like gerundives). Anyway, apply by date was 12/10/07.

Skillsmart Retail: Not for profit organisation.

Open Source Center

'The United Staes Government's OPEN SOURCE CENTER (OSC) is looking for a current affairs officer to work in the London area.'

Hmm, this sounds like LoTSA times fifty billion. I have been following the American election race quite closely, but I don't think I want to get involved.

Luckily, the job closed on the 8 October 2007. I was not sure about the line in the advert that read:

'Suitably qualified candidates will be invited for interview and testing.'

Community Co-ordinator required at the Royal Exchange Theatre.

'For further information and an application form please contact Tuesday Spencer.'

Ahem.

Where is the ridiculous names top five?

Top five ridiculous names (revision No.3)

1. David Younghusband
2. Marike Dippenaar
3. Ben Klemenzson
4. Sir Menzies Campbell (phonetically Ming)
5. Tuesday Spencer

Orkan Ahmadov had to go I'm afraid. Although, I could probably expand the list into an all time top stupid names list XI. I reckon the long forgotten Dagmar Greckova would make a brilliant goalie. The young Marike Dippenaar would be a feisty left back, with Ben Klemenzson as the John Terry strong central midfielder.

This might need some work.

2008-01-07T22:42:00.000Z

Monday 7th January 2007

From the Director of absolute appointments on a Sunday Morning:

Morning Ian

Please can you send your CV to us and we will give you a call

From the other Director of absolute appointments on Monday Morning:

Please forward your CV by return and we will call you for an initial telephone interview.

Claire and Simon respectively, there.

Schoolboy error, they are a recruitment company, and I have already decided not to apply to agencies. But they have both got back to me so...

Hmm.

Foxtons are looking for an image retoucher. That sounds a bit wrong to me.

I first encountered this lot on the 13th November last year, and have been trying to avoid being employed by them ever since.

Dear Harriet

I noted your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am a bit late in applying, but I would like to apply anyway.

This is in spite of the fact that I have no Photoshop skills, no knowledge of Quark Express, Illustrator or Acrobat.

I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Quietroom want a copywriter.

'Quietroom writes copy, produces video and delivers training and communication consultancy to major financial companies and the Government. We're based in North London and need a witty copywriter who:

Likes making complicated things simple
Understands detail but always asks if we really need it
Wants a long term relationship not a holiday romance'

Dear all at Quietroom.

I have been applying for every job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I came across your advert this evening, and I have to say it is the best job advert that I have encountered on my journey. Well done!

I would like to apply for the position, and have attached my CV for your perusal.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Anyway, I received the onion money from Barry by Pay Pal. He has decided that the money should go to cancer research. I think this is quite fitting, as we have already lost the chain smoking spider to cancer only last year.

2008-01-06T23:23:00.000Z

Saturday 5th January 2008

Dear Simon or Claire

I am writing following your recent advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

You said that I could spice up 2007 with a career in media sales. However, it is now 2008; can this year be spiced up in the same manner?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Lyric; Charity.

Meyer Group, National Account Manager APD 12/10/07.

Sunday 6th January 2008

Sundays are a great day for generally ruminating about stuff, and coming up with new theories on the way the world works. I bet that it was a Sunday that Charles Darwin landed in HMS Beagle at the Galapagos Islands, met a turtle, and thought about his theory of evolution.

Einstein probably had his initial thoughts about relativity, whilst watching the darts on BBC2, at around 6 p.m. on a Sunday. I mean, do the darts move relative to the bloke in the audience with a giant ginger wig on?

We all know that Karl Marx’s theory of alienation was thought up on a Sunday (Especially the bit about being alienated from species being.). How many times have we all felt alienated from our species being on a Sunday Morning?

Well here is my theory:

You know how a dog’s age is measured in ‘dog years’? My Nan and Grandad’s dog, Scratch, died when he was about 10, but this was about 78 in ‘dog years’. Well I think the same is true for premiership football players. It was only about two years ago, I’m sure of it, that Michael Owen was the new kid on the block. A child prodigy, 16 years old, and the best prospect in British Football. And now he is about 28 years old. How did that happen? I think that there is a new theory of evolution, called ‘premiership footballer years’.

I mentioned this to Nicky, and she thought that maybe we could expand on it a bit. We all remember Madonna hitting the music scene as a feisty 20ish person, and now she is an icon, and has become older than us, more quickly than normal humans.

So, I submit my new theory: the theory of ‘Celebrity Years’.

Maybe not.

Anyway, we had another power cut this evening. The new torch that I bought the other day when we had a power cut is officially rubbish. On the side of it, it claims to have the power of 3,500,000 candles. Admittedly it does, it lit the entire house from the kitchen. Sadly, only for about ten minutes. Then you have to charge it up again, which is slightly tricky when you have a power cut.

Other big news.

I mentioned on the 24th November 2007 that when you put guardianwork into Google, this little blog comes first in the list. Well I put guardianwork in this evening, and guess what? The Guardian Newspaper’s Jobs link comes up as a sponsored link. How did that happen?

2008-01-04T23:54:00.001Z

Friday 4th January 2008

Chelsea Square are looking for a Designer/Specifier:

'Working mainly on refurbishments of Victorian Properties, the successful candidate will be conversant with autoCAD, possess a high level of design creativity encompassing spatial awareness[.]'

Dear Michael

I fumbled across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I would like to apply for your position as Designer/Specifier.

I can not confess to be conversant with autoCAD. Is this one of those new computer games that you can talk to? I do not know of it, but I am willing to learn.

I do have a high level of design creativity, and a great deal of spatial awareness. In my opinion, Ursa Major looks nothing like a great bear, and as for the hunter Orion, I ask you.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Contemporary Design Gallery London.

Hang on, this sounds like the last scam (see 24th October).

Dear Madam/Sir

I read with some concern your advert in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.

I say this because I applied for a similar position, from a similar sized advert, in the same paper. It was on page 9 towards the bottom of the paper.

It turned out to be a scam!

Can you assure me that before I send my CV, this is a genuine job opportunity?

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

END OF PAGE 22!!! 7 PAGES TO GO!!!!

2008-01-03T23:47:00.000Z

Thursday 3rd January 2008

Bad news I'm afraid.

My sister has had a fag. I got the text message at around 11.00 p.m. this evening. Still, nearly three days is not bad. It's a good effort.

There was a power cut in Shoeburyness last Friday. Apparently 22,000 were without electric for the whole night. One of these 22,000 was a colleague Dan at work, who had just returned from the peak district, and had no food or anything in.

I only mention this, as we had a power cut last night. Of course, we had no candles in, and so I had to go to Waitrose (See above, Waitrose Ceilidh). All the twenty two thousand people in Shoebury had bought every single candle in Waitrose. They had no candles. Well, apart from four Christmassy, glittery things.

So I bought them; I had no choice. Four candles? The two Ronnies would have been proud of me.

I also bought a great big torch in B&Q. I mean massive, I could eat my dinner of the lens on the front. This was all good until I brought it home. I read in gloriously Dickensian candlelight that you had to charge the bloody thing up first.

Oh well.

No e-mails today, well I have been slacking over Christmas I suppose. Let's crack on...

TNT Magazine:

Deputy Sales Manager

Events Marketing Executive.

'You will need previous media sales experience, excellent account management skills and the ability to lead a team.'

Dear Madam/Sir

I read with alacrity your advert for the above roles in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am slightly tardy in my application, but would like to apply for the two positions advertised.

You stipulated that I may need previous media sales experience. Well, on December 30th, the film Babe was on the telly. My partner did not want to watch it at first, but I managed to sell it to her. In the end she quite enjoyed it! Moreover, she is a vegetarian!

I also have excellent account management skills. I once managed to avoid being charged for an excess overdraft fee, by using the internet.

I have experience in leading a team. On December 30th (sorry to repeat myself), there was a film on after Babe called Snow Dogs. He had to lead a team of husky dogs in order to pull his sled. The funny thing was, he kept tripping over the lead!

Anyway, I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

PS Do you write about dynamite?

2008-01-01T19:33:00.000Z

Monday, no Tuesday 1st January 2007, sorry 2008

So, another Christmas over with.

I think I shall just sit on the bus with Lenny.

The pictures represent the start and the end of my seasonal festivities.

The socks are the best Christmas present that I have ever bought. There was a website, in Switzerland, where you see pictures of around twenty Grannies. There were all sorts of pictures of Grannies. Young Grannies, Old Grannies, Big Grannies, Small Grannies. You had to select a Granny that you most liked. You clicked on a picture and then you were taken to a screen of the different designs you could choose. And this Swiss Granny would knit you a pair of socks for Christmas!

How fantastic!

So Rita, our favourite Swiss Granny, knitted a pair of socks for my common-law Mother in Law (Is there such a term?). Now, you have to bear in mind the whole transaction was completed in German, I felt ever so proud of us for doing this; GCSE German was only taken as a subsidiary subject whilst doing my A-levels over 17 years ago. So with the help of the Collins Gem German Dictionary (now in colour), my common-law Mother in Law has a pair of socks knitted by Rita.

Before you ask how I came across a site with Grannies on it, I read about it in The Independent.

We spent last night at Ann and Alex's (Alex and Ann would just be wrong; see above). Ann is Liz, of Liz and Les fame's sister, and Alex is her husband. They recently got married in Las Vegas, as Alex is a big Elvis fan. We had a stag/hen do in a great place in Scotland earlier on in the year. A place called Assynt House, with Graham and Liz (you know I think Liz and Graham might work here, hmm) as excellent hosts. It was a great weekend. So last night, felt like a bit of a re-union. The parachute in the picture was a present from Liz and Les. You stick it on the end of a champagne cork, and your champagne cork comes down on a parachute; brilliant!

We found it on the windscreen of Nick's car when we picked it up at 4 p.m. this afternoon, with a post-it note from Alex:

'Don't forget your parachute'.

Good work all round I would say.

So let's sit on the bus.

The onions went for £5.07. They were won by Barrynormal. There was a brief flurry of bidding on Christmas Eve (I think everyone was excited), but Barry has won the onions. I wonder which charity will be £5.07 better off.

The Fostering Network wanted a Media and Communications officer. Charity.

Women & Theatre wanted a General Manager. APD 15/10/07.

The Ecologist:

'The world's leading environmental Magazine needs someone to manage our website. If you:

Have experience editing copy
Can repackage and source copy
Can develop audience interaction and UGC
Can compile a weekly newsletter
Are able to re-launching a website

Please e-mail your CV.'

Honestly, am I able to re-launching a website? Can these people not write properly? I was just about to apply when I saw the .org website. These people needed to be told, but hey ho.

Hounslow Council wanted:

Finance Manager

Customer Relations Manager

Marketing Officer

All passed their apply by dates.

The Wall Street Journal wanted a Commissioning Editor - Special Sections.

Special Sections?

APD 5/10/07.

My sister, Alison; you remember the one with the Cindy doll, has given up smoking for the New Year. I sent her a text message at 6.00 p.m; still not had a fag. Come on Alison, you can do it.

2007-12-24T21:05:00.000Z

Monday 24th December 2007

I have discovered the origins of Mornington Crescent.

My Mother in Law bought me a book on Mah-Jongg:

Rule 122 (e):

'If a player completes his hand by robbing a kong of two bamboos, he scores a full hand. This is termed as 'Scratching a Carrying Pole'.'

Whereas rule, 122 (f):

'If a player completes a kong, with the loose tile thus obtained completes a second kong, and with the second loose tile obtains Mah-Jongg, he scores a full hand. This is termed 'Kong upon kong', or 'Twofold Fortune'. The requirement for this hand is that two kongs and the whole hand should be completed in one and the same turn. '

Winchmore Hill.

The auction for the onions is up to £1.20.

2007-12-23T22:46:00.000Z

Sunday 23rd December 2007

My Mum and Dad came down yesterday to discuss how Father Christmas delivers his presents all over the world.

We came to no conclusions.

They also brought the annual jar of pickled onions, made by Phyllis. Admittedly, Hippy is not best pleased with these onions.

330199560341

Is the E-bay number.

Please give generously.

Put 330199560341 into e-bay.

2007-12-23T20:56:00.000Z

Saturday 22nd December 2007

Canterbury Christ Church were looking for a Senior Lecturer in Digital Media, APD 19/10/07.

VSO wanted a SENIOR CORPORATE PARTNERSHIPS FUNDRAISER. Charity.

The Greater Manchester Police are (were) looking for an Internal Communications Officer. How did you internally communicate during the miners' strike?

I'll hit him on the head, after you.

No thanks.

CAFOD just one world. I agree, but a charity.

The University of TEESSIDE were looking for a copywriter. APD 12/10/07.

Faber and Faber are looking for someone to design their covers:

Dear Madam/Sir

I glimpsed at your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I attach a picture of a cover that I have recently used in my work.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

2007-12-22T23:01:00.000Z

2007-12-21T23:24:00.000Z

Friday 21st December 2007

My computer crashed last night.

I thought that I had lost 3 months worth of failed job applications. It was not to be. Les (of Liz and Les fame) came through a treat. He is a legend, and managed to restore all of the pointless drivel from my little project.

I would just like to mention my friend Garrett. It was his birthday yesterday, and I forgot to send him a card. I have known Garrett for 16 years, and I have always sent him a card on his birthday. This year, I forgot. I apologise Garrett, but I wish you a happy birthday for yesterday.
I still respect Garrett's dad's opinion on Terry Wogan.

I had the day off today to do my Christmas Shopping. I woke up with no computer (see above), and the telly was on the blink.

I managed to fix it.

There was someone today on the weakest link, that looked like an older Billy Bragg. His name was Charles, and he got voted off in third place... Billy, seriously, ask for a copy of the video, he was you in ten years time.

2007-12-21T19:54:00.000Z

Thursday 20th December 2007

Dear Ian

Thank you for your application, but unfortunately the position has been filled.

Best of luck with your search.

Regards

Katy Edwards Recruitment
Administrator Beechwood Recruitment Limited
Katy@beechwoodrecruit.com

I don't believe them, never mind.

Ofgem wanted an Electronic Communications Editor.

'What we offer you:

Salary Minimum £23,500
30 days annual leave, after two years'

They work you hard in the government, you get no holidays for two years. APD 8 October 2007.

The lounge are:

'Recruiting now:

Full time students seeking P/T promotional work.

(Non-students can also apply)'

Have a look at their website http://theloungegroup.com. They are a trendy marketing agency that are targeting the under 35 market. They promote things at Universities and clubs, and their website is full of pictures of bright young things having a marvellous time.

Dear all at the lounge group.

Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 left me with a feeling like I had just eaten a sherbet lemon.

I am not a student anymore, but your advert said that I can apply anyway.

I have to tell you that I am 35 years old next August, so I will be outside of your target age range, does this make a difference?

I notice from your website that a lot of your promotions take place in nightclubs. I haven’t been to a night club in years. We prefer to have people around for a few nibbles and drinks. I find that you can’t have a decent conversation in a nightclub, as the music is just too loud.

However, I attach my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Digital Designer for Somethin' Else closed on the 15/10/07.

END OF PAGE 21!!!

Dear Ian,

The Lounge Group is a Marketing and PR agency which specialises in the under 35s demographic. While our campaigns aim to target this demographic this does not exclude those over 35s from joining our network of field staff. Although the advert was aimed to target students as we were hoping to recruit candidates for specific campaigns (i.e. those on university campuses) we review every application on its own merits and consider applicants from all walks of life.

It is true that some of our campaigns are held at night clubs but the vast majority are not.

We have closed our applications for this year but will consider your application early in the New Year.

Kind regards and Season’s Greetings

Nic Fine
Operations Executive

2007-12-19T23:48:00.000Z

Wednesday 19th December 2007

We put up our Christmas tree tonight.

Yes, I know it is a little late, but we have been a bit busy recently. We went to the shops after work, as we did not have any Christmas tree lights. I don't think the people in the shops could believe we were still looking for Christmas tree lights. Well, in our house we believe in the six days of Christmas; after all it only takes half as long. Then, we can sit on the bus with Lenny, and buy bread, petrol etc., without being beaten around the ribcage with the aforementioned pointy elbows of the middle classes. Anyway, we were after the plain white tree lights that you can get. However, the only ones left were snooker balls on a string.

We had our work's Christmas Lunch today, very amusing. I had a slight panic attack as we walked into the Toby Carvery. I had never seen so many people on works Christmas lunches; people who were obviously thinking that they would rather be somewhere else.

Christmas, got to love it.

No responses on the job front today, so on we go...

Nature Publishing Group, well by their apply by date.

'No experience?
First Office Job?

You should be a new Graduate with good A Level and GCSE grades to join our busy recruitment office. The work is varied and will include general administrative duties, liaising with candidates and clients as well as answering telephone and email enquiries and you must be able to work on your own initiative.'

You don't need to be a graduate to punctuate properly.

Dear Katy

I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I have to admit that your sentences were a bit long and I think that they may have needed some punctuation but I am willing to overlook this as I would like to apply for your position anyway and have attached my curriculum vitae for your perusal if you would not mind reading it at all.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

FORSTER; too charity based.

The United Reform Church, APDs well gone.

The British Library wanted a project Manager.

2007-12-18T23:18:00.000Z

Tuesday 18th December 2007

The best Christmas present in the World, ever, I promise.

It arrived today.

From Switzerland.

It is brilliant, I promise you. I can not reveal more. However, full pictures will be available on Christmas day. So after I have watched Queeny, they will be uploaded on to the blog.

I spent the day today out on site, visiting a property in Vauxhall that has had a flood recently. I decided to drive, and was pleasantly surprised that it only took me one hour and ten minutes to get there. It was a glorious drive along the Embankment. London is a glorious city.

I say that.

The A13 was closed on the way out of London, due to someone having a crash around Barking. So I sat on the East India Dock Road having a road race with a bloke on roller skates. I am proud to say that the bloke on the roller skates won. Well done whoever it was that had a crash today.

Two and a half hours to get back to the office.

I got back to the office and some people had been out for a Christmas Lunch. They were still wearing their Christmas Santa hats, how I laughed!!!

One of my work associates, Martin, had left a message on my answerphone. He is a Tottenham fan, and was disappointed when I was recently turned down for their Manager's position. He was going up to Manchester City to watch Spurs in the Carling Cup.

The message was a five minute commentary of Nobby versus Stobby all the way up to Manchester. The final score was something like 26-11! I will try and transcribe the message tomorrow to give a full report.

Anyway, I had better apply for a few jobs. Come on Christine, we are almost there!

The Oldie job has passed it's apply by date. (10/10/07)

Page 21...

Communications Manager for Amsterdam and Brussels for Greenpeace. APD 4/10/07.

The Arch Nemesis. Closing Date 5th October 2007. I didn't want to be their web designer anyway.

THINK want the following people:

Creative Director £AAE

Account Manager/Associate Publisher

Chief Sub-Editor and Sub-Editors

Junior/Production Designer

Picture Editor

Production Assistant

Freelancers - we need you

Dear Ms Boulter

I am writing following your now not so recently advertised jobs in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am late in responding, but I would like to apply for all of the positions advertised.

Can you believe I was stuck on the A13 today for around two hours?

I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

How to tv want some people:

'Please send CVs and Salary/Package expectations'

Dear Karen

I admired your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

You have asked that I send in CVs. Unfortunately, I only have one CV, but I attach it for your perusal.

As far as salary and package goes, I am not really that bothered.

I went to a property today, and got so much stick, that I thought I might like to get in a canoe, and go to Panama for a few years.

I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards

Ian carpenter

Cultural Enterprise Ofiice: Charity.

Folk, roots and world music development: APD 5/10/07.

Anyway, Spurs beat Man City tonight, so I reckon there may be a drunken Nobby v Stobby recorded at around three a.m. tomorrow morning, I will let you know.

2007-12-17T21:55:00.001Z

2007-12-17T21:54:00.000Z

2007-12-17T21:52:00.000Z

Monday 17th December 2007

'There are peacocks in the trees.'

I sent this text message to my Mum and Dad, when I arrived at the hotel on Friday night.

There really were peacocks in the trees.

We had headed down to a lovely hotel in Climping, West Sussex. As we pulled up to the reception, there was a sign that said;

'Please be aware that peacocks roost in the trees, and may crap on your car.'

Or words to that effect.

Can you imagine peacock pooh? How iridescent can it be?

Mr Peacock: I'm going to the loo, won't be long.

Mrs Peacock: Make sure you flush the chain, the last time you went, the Council were on to us for light pollution.

Anyway, it was a great weekend break, and my car did not get peacock-poohed.

It is always fantastic to go away for a weekend. I am a big fan of the A27, as it meanders through the hills of West Sussex. It is like a full size Scalextric set. Anyone that has driven from Brighton to Bognor will know what I mean.

We turned up at the Hotel on Friday night. It really was idyllic. Literally, in the middle of nowhere. Log fires, four poster beds, the whole works. The oddest thing happened; I was outside having a cigarette after our meal, and one of the people that were on my course at the LSE turned up! I haven't spoken to anyone since leaving two years ago, and yet we both happened to be in the same random hotel, in the middle of nowhere.

Very peculiar.

Also, I saw the most spectacular drunken fall that I have seen in a while, with some poor man that had been at a wedding all day. He found it particularly difficult to negotiate the right hand turn in the path. Flat out, face down.

I'm sorry, but I had to burst out laughing.

I congratulated him on his fall, and asked if he needed a hand, but he did that Billy Connolly, I'm alright nonsense before staggering to his room.

I also took a few pictures of the room. You will see from the first picture that we had our breakfast delivered to the room on Saturday. They delivered us two eggs, one was enormous and the other was tiny. How ridiculous?

The second picture has, I am sorry to say, another orb in it. Will the Barrynormal ever leave me alone?

Anyway, renewed excitement today. I received my first letter! Everything up until now has been by e-mail. This is my first really tangible thing that has been created by my little project. (Well, if you ignore the various origami sculptures that have been coming my way recently). It was from Audley travel. Again, not wishing to get all PG Wodehouse, but I applied to them on the 1st December with:

Dear Madam/Sir

I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. I was mesmerised by the image of the mill from which you work.

I am a country specialist. I was born in the Forest of Dean, and that really is in the country.

I used to play army with a friend of mine, called Paul Watkins in the ferns.

It was all good fun.

Anyway, I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

And they respond with:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your interest in Working for Audley Travel and for taking the time to forward your details to us.

We have read through your CV in detail and whilst some of your skills and experience are relevant, they do not quite match those we currently require for the business at this time. Therefore, we will not be processing your application further.

Ian, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you again for your interest in Audley Travel and I wish you every success in your future career.

Yours sincerely

Human Resources Co-ordinator
Audley Travel Ltd

Hmm...

Fabio Capello gave his first Press Conference today, which was a bit of an anglo-italian farce. The FA would not have had any of the linguistic problems if they had appointed me to this position.

The Government have lost a further 3 million people's personal details from the DVLA today. Add that to the 25 million previously lost, and they really are up to almost half of the UK population. The thing is I am relatively secure, well apart from giving my own personal details to that money laundering scam that is. No, I am not claiming Working Family Tax Credits, and I have not sat my driving test in the past three years, so my personal data with the Government is safe.

2007-12-13T23:26:00.000Z

2007-12-13T23:24:00.000Z

Thursday 13th December 2007

The picture is of Phyllis. You remember Phyllis, of Mum and Phyllis fame?

Yes, they really did bring their own toaster down.

Phyllis agreed over the weekend to be part of my little side project that is running. I admit I have to be very cloak and dagger about all this, but it will be brilliant! Well, I say that, it is a bit of a long shot, but it may come off.

So, my copy of the Guardianwork dated 29/09/07 has been all over Europe. It has been to a Swiss Bank in Geneva, up a very tall mountain in France, and also to the Royal Forest of Dean, in my Mum and Dad's kitchen, being held by Phyllis. What a journey for a thing that normally gets thrown away by the job-content, Guardian reading people of the world.

Dear Brian Barwick

As you will recall, I applied for the position of England Manager on the 25th November 2007. I subsequently received a message from you indicating that I had sent my e-mail to the wrong department, and so I resent my application on the 26th November 2007.

You will also recall that I have recently been considered for the vacancy at Tottenham Hotspur before (wrongly in my opinion) they gave it to Juande Ramos.

Can you imagine my dismay, when on the way to work this morning, when I hear that you are giving the job to Fabio Capello?

I have not even had an acknowledgement to my application of the 25th and 26th November 2007.

How can you possibly be considering filling a job role, when you have not even spoken to all of the applicants?

Now, I have to admit that, I do not have as much football experience of Mr Capello. However, I did offer you the incentive of bringing my colleague, Simon, as Assistant Coach. Since then, I have acquired the commitment of a work associate, Barry, who will be prepared to take on the ground-keeping of Wembley Stadium.

Anyway, please do not make any hasty decisions tomorrow morning.

I look forward to hearing from you first thing in the morning.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Honestly, who do they think they are at the FA?

I ask you.

I came home this evening at around 7.30 p.m. to be greeted as I opened the door by Hippy. Now this may all seem like a picture of domestic bliss, but it really wasn't. This meant that Hippy had been locked in the house since 7.00 o'clock this morning, which meant that I was sure to find some feline doings somewhere in the house. Normally, for some unknown reason, in the bath.

However, the milk of feline kindness shone on me this evening, as she had not done anything anywhere.

She really is such a good cat.

2007-12-13T00:22:00.001Z

Wednesday 12th December 2007

Not good news on the job front today:

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your email and your feedback. We have found other candidates more suitable to the role that we are recruiting for, so at this moment I would like to say that you have been unsuccessful.

I wish you all the best with your career prospective.

Best regards,
Dagmar

Career prospective?

** THIS IS AN AUTOMATED MESSAGE - REPLIES WILL NOT BE RECEIVED **

Dear Ian

Thank you for your recent application for Leaders for Business 2008 which we have now been able to review in greater detail.

Due to very strong competition for this vacancy, we regret to advise you that after careful consideration, our decision is not to take your application further on this occasion.

Should you wish to re-apply for a similar position again in the future, please note we cannot accept another application within one year.

Due to the high volume of applications we are unable to offer feedback.

May we thank you for the time you have given us and wish you every success in the future.

Yours sincerely
British Airways Recruitment

I have to be honest; I can't really remember applying to BA. This has, however, raised an important point. I will probably be on the never give a job interview to this person list of all the major companies that advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Dear applicant

Thank you for the time and effort you have spent in applying for the position of Development Associate, Corporate Relations at London Business School.

The post attracted a number of qualified and capable individuals, which made short listing extremely difficult. Having completed this process, we regret that you have not been successful on this occasion. While your mix of knowledge, skills and experience was relevant to the position, there were candidates who had a profile that matched our requirements a little more closely than your own.

We would like to thank you for the interest you have shown in London Business School and wish you well in your search for a suitable position.

Yours sincerely

Esther
PA/Recruitment Administrator

Oh well never mind.

The Christmas present is really fantastic, but it has not arrived yet. My other little project has taken another turn for the better, with one more recruit. All to be revealed after Christmas Day...

2007-12-11T23:11:00.000Z

Tuesday 11th December 2007

So, I was back to work today, following the weekend's stress etc.

I'd thought that I would make the day les stressful, by leaving my car head lights on all day, without realising this until going home time at 5.30. Do you think my car would start?

I have to say that the AA were pretty fantastic, but I could have done without waiting around in the cold for an hour or so.

Nobby versus Stoby, over the weekend. On the way up to Gloucester, it was on Sunday, it was a ridiculously tight one nil win to England.

The way back to Essex, it was much more exciting. Eddie started with a brace around junction 11 of the M4; 2-0. Norbert pulled back with a stunning hat-trick just as I got on to the M25, 3-2. We then saw a double lorry from Eddie, but decided we could only count this as one, it would really not be cricket otherwise; 3-3. Eddie pulled away, just after PEAS, I thought that would be it. Bad light was threatening to stop play, but Norbert came in with a late equaliser, 4-4, and then a last minute winner at junction 26 of the M25. Final score 6-4, we was robbed.

One little point that I will make about driving back to Essex. There is a sign at junction 26 (Waltham Abbey) of the M25, that welcomes you to our fine County. It says (rather cleverly), Welcome to Essex. However, when you get off the M25 at junction 29 for the A127, there is another sign, that says, Welcome to Essex.

It is as if the first sign was only playing at it. This is not real Essex. Waltham Abbey? May as well be Hertfordshire. No, now you are on the A127, you are in proper Essex, with the joys of Basildon and Southend ahead of you.

Anyway, I had quite a few e-mails over the weekend. Obviously, Mum and Dad do not have internet access, so I have had to catch up tonight.

I think I have touched a nerve with the people at marcusevans:

Dear Ian,

To clarify the motivation of the people working in ME: money, career progression, challenge and friendly, but busy working environment. I believe you have seen our values on our website - quality, energy, proactive and success - that is what we believe in and require from our employees.

As in the all the sales jobs, we are looking for hungry people as well, someone who does not want to take home basic salary, but is getting great commission on the top. As you are successful, company is growing and successful as well. Our company is trying to motivate you by 1.money you could earn, 2. career (and possibility of international transfer or in between our departments).

At the moment I am looking for another member for my team - conference sales in Banking, Finance and Insurance Division, to contact senior decision makers in this area. Please let me know if you would be interested in this position or I should pass your CV for our Linguarama training department (as you mentioned in your email).

Best regards,
Dagmar Grekcova

Dear Dagmar

Thank you for your e-mail.

I note from your tone, that I may have upset you with my comments about people only wanting money at ME. Please accept my apologies, as this was not my intention.

I would still like to be considered for your position in the conference sales division.

Although I am interested in the Linguarama position, I would rather see this application through for the moment.

I was trying to think of some way that we could work with the values – quality, energy, proactive, and success.

How about QUEPS!?

Or even PEQS!?

I think it needs some work.

Please let me know your earliest thoughts, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Anyway, it was nice to come home, and sit on the bus with Lenny.

2007-12-09T13:15:00.000Z

Sunday 9th December 2007

We are just about to set off to Gloucester, as Uncle Glyn's funeral is tomorrow. I am really not looking forward to it. It is a four hour drive, and then I'll have to deal with that whole family grief thing.

The whole thing is simply rubbish.

I'll take the Guardian Work with me as a comfort blanket, after all it has been to Switzerland with me, so I'm sure rural Gloucestershire will be nothing.

Besides, the next job is for an organisation called The Oldie, and we can't miss out on that opportunity.

My mum and dad (not dad and mum, see above) will probably think I'm barmy, but hey ho, what are you going to do?

Furthermore, just think of the Nobby versus Stoby potential on a 360 mile round trip.

2007-12-08T15:41:00.000Z

2007-12-08T15:32:00.000Z

Saturday 8th December 2007

Applications: 96 Rejections: 5 Replies: 31 (30 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

Christmas cards intrigue me every year. If you are writing to a friends who are a couple, who do you put first?

My theory is that it depends on who you knew first.

For example, from my aunties, it is always

Dear Ian and Nicky.

Whereas from Liz and Les it is:

Dear Nicola and Ian.

To Liz and Les.

It would just be wrong if I put; To Les and Liz. It doesn't sound right. Nicky knew Liz first, and then we met Les, so it has to be; To Liz and Les.

By the same token, when I am writing to my friend Garrett, I would put; Dear Garrett and Lindsey. Dear Lindsey and Garrett is not right.

Dear Mum and Dad?

Dear Alison, Danny, Ryan and Joseph.

Alison, my sister, I knew first, then Danny, then Ryan was born, and then Joseph. Would it be right if you put Dear Joseph, Danny, Ryan and Alison?

If you take two random names, for instance, Stewart and Lisa, people who you don't know. Dear Lisa and Stewart or Dear Stewart and Lisa both work.

Anyway, just a thought.

Thank you for your application. The closing date for many advertised positions has now passed.

However, if you have applied for Segment Editor or Assistant Segment Editor positions we are still accepting applications.

Unfortunately, due to the volume of applications if you have not heard from us within 4 weeks please assume you have been unsuccessful.

ITN Human Resources

Well I did apply a good two months late.

Phew, the Arch Nemesis were looking for a Senior Media Officer, but you had to apply by the 12th Ocrober.

The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health are a charity. Be honest, did you know that paediatric had an 'a' in it? 'Responsibilities will include assisting the daily media and parliamentary monitoring service.' Do you have to stand there looking at the House of Parliament?

The Parkinson's Disease Society were looking for Fundraisers and Marketing people.

The Penine Acute Hospitals are looking for Communications Officers (Arch Nemesis again) Band 6.

I wonder whether all the angles on the building are less than 90 degrees? (How do you make that degree symbol on a computer? You know, the little o thingy?)

Audley Travel are back again. I applied to their job on 1st December. Would you believe that they have advertised the same job twice?

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed that you advertised the above position on page 18 and page 20 of the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Did you mean to do this, or did the Guardian put it in twice by mistake (You know what they are like!)?

Please find attached my original application, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

The Wildfowl & Wetlands Trust have used Hilda Ogden's Wall in their advert. Fantastic! Shame they are a charity, because it would have been handy for my mum and dad's shop (See above).

Marcus Evans are also back again:

'Ideal candidates will have experience from an agency background, and SPSS/quanvert experience would be beneficial amongst quant researchers.'

Dear Martin

I read with some bewilderment your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I say bewilderment, because I have recently applied for another job in your organisation. The person dealing with my other application is Dagmar Greckova. Do you both work in the same office?

I would like to apply for your positions. Admittedly, I do not know what you mean when you say quanvert experience, but I am willing to learn.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal. If you have any further queries, please either speak to Mr Greckova, or contact me directly.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

http://www.glyndebourne.com/documents/articles/448/Marketing%20Assistant%20-%20Web%20Site.doc

Glyndebourne have obviously recruited their marketing manager; have a look at their website. The Job description for the New Marketing Assistant is brilliant!

Classic American Car Magazine were looking for a Manchester based person to be Deputy Editor. It is a shame that the apply by date was 18 October 2007, because I would have had to apply to a Ben Klemenzson.

OK, top five ridiculous names list (revision number 2)

1. David Younghusband
2. Marike Dippenaar
3. Ben Klemenzson
4. Sir Menzies Campbell (phonetically Ming)
5. Orkan Ahmadov

Sorry Dagmar, you had to go.

2007-12-07T23:03:00.000Z

Friday 7th December 2007

Dear Dagmar

Thank you for your e-mail, which has given me great encouragement.

I have watched your staff video on your website. It seems to me that the main motivation of your staff is money.

Have you heard of Maslow’s theory of motivation?

He argues that we have nine needs:

Biological: i.e food, air, etc.
Safety needs
Affiliation needs (having a mate to go down the pub with)
Esteem (feeling like you are doing alright thank you)
The need to know and understand
Aesthetic needs
Transcendence
Freedom of enquiry or expression
Self Actualization

It seems that most of the people on your staff video are not interested in self-actualization, only money.

Could you please clarify whether marcusevans would consider other needs outside wealth?

I am very interested in your linguarama programme, and look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

It's Friday night, so we did the usual takeaway, bottle of wine, etc.

We also watched The Wicker Man which is one of my favourite films.

Top five films:

The Dead Poets' society
Quadrophenia
The Wicker Man
Billy Elliott (Makes me cry every time)

I am really struggling with the fifth film.

Sorry, but it may have to be Grease.

Right, all that film stuff out of the way, we can now continue on our journey...

ITN want people to be presenters, segment editors, and video journalists. Interviews on the 3rd of October.

But this is the Telly!

'E-mail your CV to sport@ITN .co,uk stating your current salary and finish off the following statement in less than 100 words, "Sports news is important because..."

Dear ITN

You asked that I finish off the statement Sports News is important because (In less than 100 words).

So here goes:

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty one, twenty two, twenty three, twenty four, twenty five, twenty six, twenty seven, twenty eight, twenty nine, thirty, thirty one, thirty two, thirty four, thirty five, thirty six, thirty seven, thirty eight, thirty nine, forty, forty one, forty two, forty three, forty four, forty five, forty six, forty seven, forty eight, forty nine, fifty, fifty one, fifty two, fifty three, fifty four, fifty five.

There you go; eighty five words.

I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

2007-12-06T22:59:00.001Z

Thursday 6th December 2007

So far this week, I have been avoiding things. I have not phoned Dagmar, and I have not applied for the Scotland Manager's job.

This week, I have mostly been seeing PEAS.

So I should crack on. No administration tonight, so I reckon I can apply for the rest of the jobs on page 19. I feel that as soon as I get to page twenty I am in the home straight. A bit like Christine Ohurugu must feel like when she rounds the final corner.

Annely Juda Fine Art seeks an Assistant to the Director. Annely Juda, was that a Star Wars character? Anyway too late for me to use my force, as the apply by date was yonks ago.

The Wildlife Trusts: Charity, see countless times above.

Ditto St George's bristol.

Eventus

'We are based in Sheffield with a national reputation for applied creativity.'

Come on, seriously, national reputation? Have you heard of them?

Transport for London must have recruited for Head of Government and Stakeholder Relations by now. Apply by date was the 19th October.

Leeds
Live it
Love it

Well, I can't; the closing date was 11th October.

The National Maritime Museum were looking for sales people to sell their events. ABD 8/10/07.

END OF PAGE 19!!!

Come on Christine, let's do the final straight.

Odd, really.

The first advert on the next page is for sports news reporting.

2007-12-05T23:17:00.000Z

Wednesday 5th December 2007

Applications: 93 Rejections: 5 Replies: 30 (29 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

I love the M25. My favourite section is driving clockwise around junction 16.

PEAS

Anyone that knows it will love it too. Written on the viaduct that straddles the motorway.

Driving anticlockwise, as I did today, I only got to see the smaller peas 06.

How do they do that?

It must take some real planning. I mean, you have to know how to get to that particular place. There must be rail lines and dangerous stuff in order to do it. More than that, you have to carry paint pots, without getting caught.

Anyway, I did the full circuit of the M25 today, on my way to Feltham. Northbound there and southbound on the way home. I must say, Eddie Stobart, let the side down. It was 5-0 to Nobby on the way there, and 1-0 on the way back. Was it an ironic strike by the Brits? Who knows, but it was pants.

I also forgot to call Dagmar Gekcova, I will have to do this tomorrow.

If anyone is interested, the two properties that I visited today were in fairly good order.

Remedica are looking for a new Editor and Editorial Assistant.

Dear Scott

I would like to apply for your positions in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.

I am late in applying, sorry.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely

Ian Carpenter

NAYT APD 22/10/07, Annely Juda Fine Art, APD 8/10/07.

TFL4626 APD19/10/07.

Anyway, I was a bit scared coming into the house tonight. Nicky was at some school thing, and I had the whole house to myself. I have not put up a curtain in the dining room, so it was all pitch black...

Nothing Barrynormal to report tonight though.

2007-12-04T22:43:00.000Z

Tuesday 4th December 2007

We experienced something Barrynormal tonight.

It was really frightening.

Nicky and I had just sat down to our dinner. We were tucking in when we were both sprayed with ice cold water. Honestly, both of us, ice cold water, on our arms. We looked up to the ceiling to wait for the inevitable crash of plasterboard around our ears. Nothing.

We looked at each other. What was that? Then the lights went out. Just the lights, the television stayed on and everything.

I blame Barry's orbs.

We were petrified, honestly.

Anyway, I received a reply from The Brooklands Group. Now, just to refresh your memory, dear reader, I applied with this covering letter:

Dear Sue

I note with renewed interest your advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I would like to apply for all three positions advertised. They were:

Circulation and Marketing Manager
PR Manager (magazines, events, corporate)
Sponsorship Manager

Please find attached my CV for your perusal.

I would be grateful if you could clarify one thing. Why do you have to wait six months for the medical and insurance benefits, whereas you get the free chocolate immediately?

I only mention this, because I was in Waitrose over the weekend, and they had a bar of chocolate that was £6.50. £6.50 for a bar of chocolate?!?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

And they reply with:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your email in response to our recruitment advertisement in the Guardian of 29th September.

All three vacancies have now been successfully recruited, so we are unable to process your application.

Thank you for your interest in Brooklands Group, we wish you every success for the future.

Regards,

Sue Thorne
HR Director

No mention of the chocolate? I am not having that.

Dear Sue

Thank you for your e-mail.

I am sorry that all three positions have now been recruited.

I would still like to know why you get free chocolates immediately, but have to wait for the medical and insurance benefits.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

I forgot to take Dagmar Grekcova's number to work this morning, so I will have to call him tomorrow.

university college for the creative arts

(get you with your non-capital letters)

and then:

ARE YOU CREATIVE?

Interviews 22nd October, that was almost two months ago.

Greenwich & Lewisham Young People's theatre are (were) looking for an Administrative Director.

APD 16/10/07.

The Barrynormal thing was real, and frightening.

2007-12-03T23:09:00.000Z

Monday 3rd December 2007

Applications: 92 Rejections: 5 Replies: 29 (28 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

Honestly, it really is the best present in the world.

Really good.

It has inspired me to start my own sub-project. News of which can only be revealed on Christmas Day. There are several people involved at the office, but I can not say more.

Talking about the office, we have instigated a new system.

For several months, whenever Simon and I leave the office for lunch or whatever, there is always an awkward moment at the door. It's a bit like the Chuckle Brothers. No you first, no after you, no really I insist, etc.

What we have instigated is a four week rotational system.

There are five days in a week, given.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday do not have an 'r' in them, whereas Thursday and Friday do.

So, on a Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, Simon goes through the door first. On a Thursday and Friday, I go through the door first, quite simple.

However, more observant readers will have noticed that Simon gets to go through the door first on three days, and me on only two. This is where the four week rotational system comes into play (I intend to use this in my forthcoming interview with Brian Barwick).

For the first week, it is Simon with the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday three day bias. The second week it is me with the MTW three day bias. I keep the three day bias in the third week, before Simon gets it back in the fourth week, and thus completing the cycle.

Brilliant! And it worked for the whole day today. There was no awkwardness at the door or anything.

Anyway, an e-mail...

Dear Ian,

Thank you for sending me your CV and applying for International Sales Executive position (through Careers UK). I have been trying to reach you over the phone, but unfortunately I was not successful.

Ian, the position we are recruiting for is telephone based position in the office in Central London (telesales). We are contacting senior decision makers in Banking, Finance and Insurance Industry across Europe. It is a full time job (Mon-Fri). To begin with, please visit our websites www.marcusevans.com (this will give you an understanding of the company mission, profile, values, when we started, global offices and all of the different services we provide) and www.mefinance.com (to understand different Banking, Finance & Insurance conferences we offer our clients).
From this research we can have an initial phone based interview to tell you more about the company and also for me to understand your career prospects and requirements.
Please call me tomorrow to arrange your phone screen interview.

Regards,

Dagmar Grekcova
MARCUS EVANS conferences
Banking, Finance & Insurance Division Europe

How exciting!

I applied for their job two months late, and they still want me to call them! I have been doing this for over two months, and I have only had a human contact with Lesley-Ann from tenuk. I am really excited. (Not that I want the job you understand, but it is a human contact!)

Top five ridiculous names (revised):

1. David Younghusband
2. Marike Dippenaar
3. Sir Menzies Campbell (phonetically Ming)
4. Orkan Ahmadov
5. Dagmar Grekcova

I can't wait to phone them tomorrow.

Other news, Barrynormal sent me a picture of his hand, covered in creosote (No orbs). I would love to show everyone, but it looks like something out of All Creatures Great and Small.

The Scotland FA does not seem to be in a rush to appoint a manger, so I will not stress too much about getting my application to them.

2007-12-01T22:48:00.000Z

Saturday 1st December 2007

Applications: 92 Rejections: 5 Replies: 28 (27 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

We found a fantastic website today, with a great idea for a Christmas present! I can't say any more, but just wait until Christmas day. It is genius! I don't use that word lightly, it is absolutely genius.

Mr Site wants a PR executive contact jobs@mrsite.co.uk

Dear Madam/Sir

I noted, with pre-seasonal Christmas joy, your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

How did you possibly obtain the website mrsite.co.uk? Did you not have competition from other people? I don’t know anyone called Mrs Ite, but I am sure they would be interested in your domain name.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

The UK film Council want a Diversity Executive:

'With you excellent knowledge and understanding of diversity, access and inclusion issues, and a strong track record of delivering diversity strategies and programmes you will be expected to provide expert advice and support to the UKFC.'

Ok, my advice, never order the great big bucket of chicken. Eyes bigger than belly etc.

Apply by date 15/10/07.

Audley Travel (Form an Audley Cue; see Jules Segal, Greeting the 500) want Country Specialists. Brilliant, I was born in the Forest of Dean, which is proper country.

'If you are applying for a Country Specialist role, please include your travel history with dates and durations.'

Dear Madam/Sir

I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. I was mesmerised by the image of the mill from which you work.

I am a country specialist. I was born in the Forest of Dean, and that really is in the country.

I used to play army with a friend of mine, called Paul Watkins in the ferns.

It was all good fun.

Anyway, I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Closing date for Kew gardens was the 5th October, pants.

END OF PAGE 18!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, it is the best present I have ever bought. I wish I could tell.

2007-11-30T23:08:00.000Z

Friday 30th November 2007

I received a phone call at 9.30 this morning at work from my parents.

My Uncle Glyn died last night in his sleep. He was only 59 years old.

It shocked me, to be quite honest. It was completely unexpected. I am very upset.

Tom Stoppard in Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are dead (1999:64) voices through Rozencrantz:

'We have no control. None at all...Whatever came of the first moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood when it first occurred to you that you don't go on for ever. It must have been shattering - stamped into one's memory. And yet I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at all.'

'For all the compasses in the world, there's only one direction, and time is its only measure.'

Time is indeed its only measure, and it was too short for my Uncle Glyn.

So I am going to raise a glass to him tonight. I didn't see him very often, but I miss him.

2007-11-29T22:37:00.000Z

Thursday 29th November 2007

That says it all.

2007-11-28T22:36:00.000Z

2007-11-28T22:34:00.000Z

Wednesday 28th November 2007

Applications: 90 Rejections: 5 Replies: 28 (27 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

Please find attached the picture of my orbs to put on your blog

Kind Regards

Ghost hunter

Brilliant.

I am currently away from the office. I will respond to your email when I return on Thursday, 29th November.

Regards
Sue Thorne
HR Director
Please be aware of Brooklands Group Limited’s terms and conditions,
which may change over time: www.brooklandsgroup.com/terms.html

No administration tonight, phew.

I spent the day stuck in various traffic jams around the East End of London. They were doing some gas works outside Aldgate East Tube Station. All very well and good, but it took me two hours to get to Shoreditch. Why did I drive?

Anyway, after meeting with a representative from the water board, it was decided that rather than fix my low pressure in a block of flats that I manage, he would go off to speak to his area manager. Great. Thank you very much.

The A13 back to Basildon was pretty poor too. There was not a single Nobby or Stobby.

Anyway, on with the jobs.

Marcus Evans want International Sales Executives:

'To succeed at marcus evans you will require:

Excellent written and verbal conversation skills.

In addition to the above marcus evans will provide:

International transfer opportunities to Asia, Australia, Africa, Europe, and America both for short term'

Both five places? Where are their written skills?

Dear Recruitment Manager

I quote ‘ref SR09’.

I am writing regarding your positions advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I realise that I am applying almost two months late, it is a long story.

Anyway, I would like to apply for your positions. I have a long history in sales, and I have also lived in mainland Europe for a couple of years.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Researcher/Assistant

'Very Intelligent, quick, flexible, accurate, media-literate person wanted for part-time research'

Dear Caroline

I read with a not inconsiderable amount of interest your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I am fairly intelligent, I am quite slow though, I am flexible (apart from my back), I am quite accurate, and I am media-literate (I do read, listen, and watch several programmes).

Am I the sort of person you would be interested in?

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Pickering Chatto, ABD 8/10/07.

The Scottish FA have said that they would prefer a Scottish person for their job.

2007-11-27T22:25:00.000Z

2007-11-27T22:23:00.000Z

Tuesday 27th November 2007

Applications: 88 Rejections: 5 Replies: 27 (25 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

Dear Ian

Thank you for your application for the above position. Regretfully the vacancy has now been filled, but your interest is appreciated. Best of luck for the future.

Kind regards
Carol

Carol Parsons
PA to Vivien Hepworth
Chief Executive
Grayling Political Strategy

That was nice.

She wished me all the best of luck for the future. I think it was the picture of the bowls final that put her off though.

Administration over.

Good news! I received my first Christmas card today. Well, I say Christmas card; it was more of a Christmas Post-it note, from Sacha in the office. It is not even December!

So on with the jobs.

Senior Press Officer for CIPD:

'What does the future of work look like? How can firms win the war for talent? Are migrant workers the answer to the skills shortages firms face today? What role do flexible working, diversity, employer branding, pay and pensions have to play in motivating people at work?'

Interesting.

I have heard of this new craze for branding.

Some people, for some reason, have taken to getting themselves branded with hot irons. That is fair enough if you are doing it to yourself, but to brand your boss? I ask you.

Anyway, closing date was 8/10/07.

The Brooklands Group are looking for a Circulation and Marketing Manager:

'Responsibilities will include planning and executing retail and added value promotions as well as subs renewal and acquisition programmes. He/she will be creative, literate and numerate.'

I guess you might have to be literate if you are planning an acquisitions programme.

They offer:

'Generous basic salaries
Five weeks' holiday
Travelcard loan scheme
Bupa private medical insurance*
Stakeholder pension plan*
Free chocolate on Fridays!

* Medical insurance and pension benefits apply from six month anniversary of joining date.'

Ah, but the free chocolate is from week one!

Dear Sue

I note with renewed interest your advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I would like to apply for all three positions advertised. They were:

Circulation and Marketing Manager
PR Manager (magazines, events, corporate)
Sponsorship Manager

Please find attached my CV for your perusal.

I would be grateful if you could clarify one thing. Why do you have to wait six months for the medical and insurance benefits, whereas you get the free chocolate immediately?

I only mention this, because I was in Waitrose over the weekend, and they had a bar of chocolate that was £6.50. £6.50 for a bar of chocolate?!?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

There has been some political scandal today over alleged donations given to the Labour Party by David Abrahams, through third parties. £700,000 apparently.

It got me thinking about the old drinking song Father Abraham.

David Abrahams
Had seven hundred thousand pounds
Seven hundred thousand pounds had David Abrahams

And he didn't laugh
And he didn't cry
All he did was go like this...

Maybe not. Unless someone would like to finish it?

Emma in the office highlighted another news story that may have been some interest to me: The Scotland Manager, Alex McLeish has vacated his position for Birmingham City.

2007-11-26T22:46:00.000Z

2007-11-26T22:44:00.000Z

Monday 26th November 2007

Applications: 85 Rejections: 5 Replies: 26 (25 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

Dear Supporter

Thank you for contacting FootballforAll@TheFA.com

This e-mail address is strictly reserved for those wishing to report allegations of abuse or discrimination such as incidents of racism or homophobia. Please note that we are unable to respond to any other type of query sent to this e-mail address.

If you have a football related query or comment you would like to make but do not wish to report an incident of discrimination please contact The FA Customer Relations Unit via the link below who will be happy to help:

http://www.TheFA.com/Feedback

Kind regards,

Customer Relations UnitThe Football Association

So I sent it again:

Thank you for contacting The FA.The FA's Customer Relations team will strive to respond within five working days of receipt. If further information is required, a comprehensive response will be sent within a further ten working days.If you require a more urgent response you can contact the Customer Relations team on 020 7745 4545 between 9.15am and 5.00pm on weekdays.To return to TheFA.com please click hereKind regards,The FA's Customer Relations team

So on with the jobs.

Lafferty wanted loads of people, however interviews were at the end of September. I am only two months behind.

Editorial Portfolio Recruitment, recruitment agency, see above.

Stonewall, the gay rights people, wanted a Senior Communications Officer and Major Donor and Corporate Accounts Manager. Charity sadly, and, apply by date 17/10/07.

SAM Learning APD 12/10/07.

University of Central Lancashire wanted some people. APD 12/10/07.

This is rubbish.

I thought this page looked really exciting. I have had to rely on the bonus FA job to keep me interested today.

IOP 10/10/07.

A blue advert...

'Would you want to write for a traditionally tight-lipped, strait-laced firm of builders?

You might.

Let us know why, including details about your education, experience and skills.'

Dear Carol

I noticed with interest your advertisement for a writer in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I would like to be a writer, except I always find that I get a bit stuck for things to say sometimes. That would probably not help.

Anyway, you asked that I send details about my education, experience, and skills. I have attached my CV for your perusal.

I would just like to say, that the choice of blue for your advert was inspired! All the other adverts on page 17 of the Guardian dated 29/09/07 were monochrome and boring.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

PS I have also attached a picture of the recent bowls final, which I took from my dining room chair. It is also blue!

2007-11-25T16:26:00.000Z

Sunday 25th November 2007

We went to a wedding in Wales earlier this year, and they had a barn dance, or Ceilidh. This generally involved starting in the same place with your partner, before running around in opposite directions for twenty minutes, skipping and the like, before returning to the place you started, with your partner again.

A Ceilidh, all good fun.

The only reason that I mention this is that this is what I did with Nicky in Waitrose yesterday. I like to call it the Waitrose Ceilidh. We start generally in the same position. Now Nicky can handle the pointy elbows of the middle classes, but I can't. If I come across people who have stopped, I do not ask them politely to move, I feel it necessary to do a complete u-turn, going in the opposite direction to the way I actually want to go, going down the next aisle, before meeting up with Nicky again, her clutching a tin of sweetcorn, and me with a new Carlsberg Beer called Carlsberg Edge. If you have ever done any country dancing at school, I think you can probably see the similarity.

The Waitrose Ceilidh.

Anyway, the England Manager.

I had to set up a FA Number, or FAN, which I did.

Dear Brian Barwick

I noticed through the media over the past few days, that there is a vacancy for England Manager. I would like to apply for the position

Firstly, I have recently been considered for the Manager of Tottenham Hotspur, before they (wrongly in my opinion) gave it to Juande Ramos.

I would also point out that I watched the match on Wednesday, and I listened to the pundits at half time. I did not go and make a cup of tea, like everyone else, so I feel that I am a student of the game.

Let me highlight an issue that I think is a problem with the English game. Everyone talks about the Christmas Tree Formation; 4-3-2-1. This is never going to work! How can you expect to not concede goals, if you only have only one person at the back?

No, I propose a Reverse Christmas Tree Formation (RCTF). You have four people at the back, three people in front of them, followed by another two people, and then a lone striker.

I think it is an idea right from the top drawer!

I hope that you would consider my application; however, I would point out that I could only accept the position, if I could bring my colleague, Simon, with me, as Assistant Coach.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Let's see what will happen.

2007-11-24T09:41:00.000Z

Friday 23rd November 2007

Applications: 84 Rejections: 5 Replies: 26 (25 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

I have the day off today, so I naturally have time on my hands. There is no better way than to kill time by playing Googlewhack. This was inspired by a book by Dave Gorman called, surpisingly, The Goolgewhack Adventure. The idea is that you put two random words into Google to see if you get only one hit.

Guess what?

Guardianwork rogan is a Googlewhack!!!

vegetable rogan josh - a love of food, food for love - romantic ...
Kill or cure, I reckon. For the record, chicken rogan josh, pilau rice... http://guardianwork.blogspot.com/. 0This result has 0 votes; Vote for this result ...a-love-of-food-food-for-love---romantic-recipes-swicki.eurekster.com/vegetable+rogan+josh/ - 59k - Cached - Similar pages

Fantastic!

The internet is a marvellous thing.

I have been on Blogspot for only a few weeks, but if you put guardianwork into google, there are twenty hits. The great thing is that my blog comes up first, and I haven't even paid Google anything. So, if ever anyone should happen to put guardianwork into google, the blog would be the first hit.

The other fantastic thing is it is cited on A love of food, food for love- romantic recipes. It is also cited on http://www.isthisyour.name/joe_gibson.htm, because of the original job application with The Arch Nemesis.

'The Football Association is committed to our vision of using the power of football to build a better future.

The core objectives that support the achievement of this are:

· To be seen by fans, players, managers, clubs and the government as the leading sports governing body in the world
· To lead the development of a grass-roots framework which will achieve the highest levels of participation in the world
· To achieve consistent, long-term success on the field through player development at every level
· To be a leading-edge marketing organisation
· To lead and shape the debate about football at a national, UEFA and FIFA level
· To provide leading-edge service levels both internally and externally

If this sounds like the type of organisation that you would like to be part of, then see and revisit this section for information on Vacancies.

FA Vacancies
There are no other vacancies at present'

Yes there is; Steve McLaren was sacked quite openly yesterday.

2007-11-22T23:26:00.000Z

Thursday 22nd November 2007

Applications: 84 Rejections: 5 Replies: 26 (25 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

I was mortally embarrassed today.

I went to the supermarket after work and I was forced to go to the check-out of the woman that saw me topless on the stage of the Southend Cliffs Pavillion, whilst serenading Julian Clary, whilst having my nipples rubbed by his erstwhile sidekick, Hugh Jelly (from sticky moments).

I have managed to avoid her for about four years since the incident, but she was right on the end of the line of checkouts. I went bright red.

I should just explain that I went to see Julian Clary about four years ago. I was selected to participate in his live show. I say selected, the bloke in front of me refused to go up, so it really forced my hand.

Anyway, after having to answer several questions about my favourite sexual positions etc, it was of great amusement to many of the 600 odd people in the audience that I worked in a bank.

The following day, Nicky and I went to the supermarket, and the check out person said:

"Were you at the Cliffs Pavilion last night?"

I could have died.

She still remembers the incident, apparently, even after four years.

I still have the bottle of champagne that I was given that night, I do have a picture.

So on with the administration.

Jane's Information Group, from yesterday, sent me an e-mail:

Dear Ian,

Sorry could you just clarify which position you would like to apply for.

Many thanks,

Emma Cussell
Resource and Development Administrator

Dear Emma

Thank you for your e-mail.

Please, do not apologise for asking for clarification of my application. I have to admit, it was not clear from my original e-mail.

I would like to apply for both positions advertised.

They were, in turn:

Deputy Editor, Jane’s Defence Weekly-Coulsdon Surrey.

and

Chief Sub-Editor (Defence and Transport)- Coulsdon Surrey.

I hope that this clarifies the matter, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

I also received an odd e-mail:

Dear Ian

Regards
Craig Cobb Consultant
Judd Farris Property Recruitment

Dear Craig

Thank you for your e-mail.

I noted with a considerable amount of interest that you did not include a message.

The more you know, the less you need to show, I suppose.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Administration over.

It was pointed out to me, by Laura, Dan, Barry and Martin that there was a vacant position today. The England boss, Steve McLaren, has lost his job following last night's defeat. I have a day off tomorrow, so I reckon it may be time for bonus job number 3.

2007-11-21T23:22:00.000Z

Wednesday 21st October 2007

Applications: 84 Rejections: 5 Replies: 25 (24 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

No e-mails received today.

Perhaps everyone was down the pub watching England get beaten 3-2 by Croatia. I thought it was a fairly exciting game, despite everyone's doom and gloom.

So on with posh page 17...

'Jane's Information Group offers a range of integrated advertising, intelligence and consultancy solutions in five specialist areas - defence, security, transport, public safety and law enforcement.'

Hmm...

I see another LoTSa here.

Dear Emma

I read with interest your advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am slightly late in responding, but I would still like to apply.

Firstly, I can’t help mentioning that you have missed a trick. You are marketing your organisation as Jane’s. Jane’s Information Group would lend itself to the acronym JIG. Just think of the possibilities!!!

JIGSAW- a monthly newsletter, where you tell everyone about the defence, security, transport, public safety and law enforcement that you have observed over the last month.

Let’s JIG! A once a month party when all like minded people can have a bit of a boogie, whilst discussing defence, security, etc.

I hope you are interested in my ideas.

I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

So we come to Sheridan Edward at Modern Art Oxford.

Charity, I am afraid, but take a look at their site www.modernartoxford.org.uk.

Titan Publishing Group want editors for comics, and designers. Apply by date 28/09/07.

What?!?!?

The paper was published on the 29/09/07.

Dear Madam/Sir

I was stupefied by your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Your advert asked that I apply for the job by the 28/09/07. Are you really expecting people to have developed a time machine?

I appreciate that you are publishing comics, but in the real world, I do not think that is possible.

However, I would like to try.

An associate of mine, who I call Paranormal Barry, could probably assist. Whenever he takes a photo, funny orbs appear in it.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to your earliest reply.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Two small adverts in the corner warrant no more than me sending them my CV:

Dear Madam/Sir

Please find attached my CV.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Can you imagine next summer, when the European championships are on? No UK teams. Oh well, at least the gutters will not be full of those stupid flags that have fallen off the car windows.

Every cloud...

2007-11-20T22:11:00.000Z

2007-11-20T22:09:00.000Z

Tuesday 20th November 2007

Applications: 77 Rejections: 5 Replies: 25 (24 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

I'm out of the office. For urgent coverage questions until 1930 GMT, please call the Frankfurt desk at +49 69 29 725 500.

I will be back at my desk at around 0630 GMT Tuesday, Nov. 20.

Klaus Brune
News Editor, Germany

I have had so much interaction with Klaus, I feel that I know him personally.

Welcome to the Guardian Jobs newsletter

Dear Ian,
This November we have new education vacancies to set your enthusiasm alight. Following the launch of last month's jobs mobile service, we have a new video section with advice from how to write a covering letter to becoming the office hero. Guardian Jobs has all the help and advice you need at your fingertips.

Careers advice videosWant to know how to tell your boss you've made a big mistake? Or how to negotiate the salary for your new job? The videos offer straightforward, no nonsense advice on a range of work and career-related subjects.
Public gives teachers a glowing reportA recent survey has found public perceptions of teachers, and of teaching as a career, are surprisingly positive. Until recently, those in the profession, spurred on by negative stereotypes in the media and a lack of government support, have often believed the public did not have a very high opinion of teachers. But 50% of the public questioned now see teaching as an attractive career.

Dear JeremyWhether it's a personality clash in the office or an unwanted relocation issue our agony uncle Jeremy Bullmore will help you find a solution.
How's your work/life balance?Work/life balance doesn't just mean getting to the pub on time. There are new ways for employers and employees to decide on working hours and allot benefits. Try our quiz to find out if you know what 'getting wlb' involves.
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The Guardian are really taking the proverbial now.

On a lighter note, the Government have today given away the personal details of 25 million people. This includes bank details, names and addresses of everyone in the UK that qualifies for family tax credits. This really puts my little error with the Complementry Art Gallery into perspective.

We have also tried to set up the inaugural meeting of the Southend Poppadom Society. Well I say we, more like Simon and me, in an Indian restaurant on Friday night. I am trying to get some takers, but no-one seems interested. Let's see what happens.

The chain smoking spider has really ceased to be. Hippy and Lenny are all ok (They are greatly relieved that the fireworks have dissipated).

So on with the jobs:

Oh no wait...

Paranormal Barry has been doing some repairs on a property that I manage. He sent me a picture of some fences that he has been working on. Guess what? Another orb.

I have also been trying to purloin pianos from various people at work. They all seem to have friends that own them, but are not willing to lend me them for The City Council of Liverpool.

Senior Public Affairs Manager at energywatch ;ABD 15/10/07.

Casual Subeditors, observer sport. I reckon I wouldn't have to wear a tie. Anyway, closing date was 7/10/07.

END OF PAGE 16!!!!

Page 17 looks a bit posh. I think I'll leave it until tomorrow. Sheridan Edward from Modern Art Oxford can surely wait another day for my application.

2007-11-19T22:41:00.000Z