Wednesday February 13th 2008

Well the British Airways job didn't come to anything:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your recent application for Commercial Business Analyst which we have now been able to review in greater detail.

Due to very strong competition for this vacancy, we regret to advise you that after careful consideration, our decision is not to take your application further on this occasion.

Should you wish to re-apply for a similar position again in the future, please note we cannot accept another application within one year.

Due to the high volume of applications we are unable to offer feedback.

May we thank you for the time you have given us and wish you every success in the future.

Yours sincerely
British Airways Recruitment

Never mind...

I printed all of my work so far and presented it to Simon yesterday. I thought that Guardianwork had ended. I have applied for all of the jobs. There was a satisfaction that I had completed the challenge.

Incidentally, when I printed it off for Simon, I picked up a pile of plain paper to put in the printer; Just a random amount. I clicked print, and guess what?

I had put in the exact number of pages required to print it.

Ten heads in a row, nothing on my paper picking abilities.

Hello!!!!!

Just looked at the last bit you said about earlier.

Got to admit that I felt really sad when I watched the clip last off, does that sound a bit odd?

Well, hopefully you will read this e-mail soon, as I'm sure you won't be picking them up as quickly now you're not on your computer as often.

Thanks for a great 6 months, and an insight into 'Ian Carpenter' aged 34.

Take care, love you loads, and hope to speak soon.

Ali

What do I do now?

Monday 11th February

Guess what?

There is a bonus page!!!

What I thought were just adverts on page thirty are in fact just that: they are adverts, adverts for jobs!!!

Underneath the article about Paul Smith, a software engineer from Harrogate, are some more job adverts! Incidentally Paul found the IT market tougher than he expected.

It is a good thing that I did not throw the paper away... Then where would I have been?

There are Luton Based Opportunities for working at Vauxhall Motors. Sadly, an agency.

Oh pants.

www.graduate-recruitment.co.uk, another agency.

Got Jobs for Graduates, ditto.

Oh these adverts are not so good after all.

PFJ, another agency...

How frustrating is this?

Brand and Brown are looking for a graduate, to join their training programme.

'Send us your CV , together with a 200-word newspaper style article (either fictitious or real) about an aspect of your university life.'

Dear Madam/Sir

I came across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling like I had just eaten some Sharon fruit for the first time.

You asked that I submit my CV with a 200 word article about my university life.

Here is an extract from a recent project regarding my first encounter with Garrett:

Garrett and I met for the first time at Bath University. I pitched up, with my Mum and Dad in tow on my first day. We all faffed around for a while, before my parents and entourage left me on my own, for the first time.

It was very daunting.

Stuck in a breeze block room, that was so small, it was a lucky thing that I didn't have a cat that liked to be swung.

Bambi-like, I timidly ventured out into the corridor. The first place I headed to was the communal toilets.

As you do.

Garrett was in the toilets/washroom, shaving. This area was shared between 26 student flats. You can imagine the state that this area found itself in after a few weeks. So Garrett was the first person I met in my new adult life.

Garrett; "Alright? My name is Garrett." (Extending his hand)

Me: "Yes I'm ok, my name is Ian." (Shaking Garrett's hand, yes I am a proper adult now.)

Garrett: "Do you want a beer?"

Me: "Well ok then."

It was a bit more convoluted than that, but essentially Garrett and I were destined to be friends for a long time; that was 17 years ago.

I hope that you enjoy it.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

The final, final job is for Head of Global Risk Department with Merchant International.

'A small but well-established corporate security and strategic risk consultancy is looking to hire a new head of the global risk department. The position requires a strong background in the political and strategic risk consulting arena with a focus on emerging markets. The successful candidate will manage a small team of researchers and have primary responsibility for developing new business and restructuring our product portfolio.'



Dear Madam/Sir

I read with interest your advert for Head of Global Risk. I felt a bit like I had just taken a deep breath before a job interview.

I am exceptionally good at Global Risk. Two Austrian friends of ours, Gert and Tina, once invited us over for a game. I lost, but my strategy was very good. I think I was put off by the viener schnitzell.

Anyway, I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

That is it.

Done.

Saturday 9th February 2008

I woke up this morning with a huge sense of achievement. I felt like a dolphin that has managed to swim through a dolphin friendly tuna net.

So what do I do now? I sent a text message to The Challenger, my sister Alison, and Garrett to let them know that I have finished it.

So, I have come to the end of the journey. It has been a journey that has taken me to, well to my computer mostly. It has also taken me to a Swiss Bank in Geneva, I have bought a pair of socks from a Swiss Granny, and Josie's Mum has knitted me three gloves. Incidentally, Josie's mum is a Great Granny, so technically they are Great Granny Gloves. Oh, I can teach Richard Branson a thing or two about 3G.

I found the Guardian Work dated 29/09/07 strewn on the office desk this morning. I was then wondering what I should do with it. Various people have offered suggestions along the way.

I could frame it, but that seems a bit pointless really.

I could recycle it. This would hardly make up for the carbon wellington boot print left by trips down by Mum and Phyllis, and my weekend to Chamonix.

Emma once suggested that I make a giant origami sculpture out of it; now that would be interesting. I could make a crane the size of a, well crane.

I don't know what to do. I will ponder it while I am watching the (inferior, in my opinion) six nations this afternoon.

Barrynormal sent me a text:

'Do I have to keep checking the blog for new entries or is that really it? The sad day has cometh
:('

Well, I am afraid that that is it. There may be a few loose ends; I still have outstanding applications with a few people, but essentially I am done.

That reminds me, I still have his onions. On which note, I got a reminder from e-bay that I needed to pay £1.17 for the listing fee.

Friday 9th February 2008

I knew that this day would come, even when I originally took on the challenge. There was going to be a finite day when it ends. There are only a finite number of jobs in The Guardian dated 29/09/07, it has to end at some time. It could have ended last night. I chose not to end it. So it was with a heavy heart that I woke up this morning and realised that this may be it. This may be the final day of Guardianwork.

I went downstairs and we had run out of Douwe Egberts coffee.

Pants.

I had to drink the horrible Nescafé stuff that is there for emergencies.

I went up to have a shower, and guess what?

No shower Gel.

It was then that I realised the Nicky's genius supermarket buying strategy. Tiare flower and patchouli hand wash is a lot more useful when you need to wash than a packet of cheese and onion crisps.

How was I to know?

So here I am.

Thank you for submitting your application to join the Area Manager Training Scheme. We will endeavour to respond within 14 days of receiving your application. In the meantime, may we take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in Aldi.

The Yale University Press wants

'A Senior Publicist with one years trade experience handling your own books[.]

Production Editor for illustrated list including Pevsner Architectural Guides[.]'

Dear Katie

Did you realise that your advert was the last advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07? Did you have to pay extra for that privilege?

I note that you are looking for a Senior Publicist. You have asked for one year’s experience of handling your own books. I do handle my own books, and have done on a regular basis. I like to categorise them into sections. For instance, I have a travel section, a poetry section, and a section for all of my annuals that I collect every year. My personal favourite is the Beano. I don’t think that the Dandy quite cuts the mustard.

You are also looking for a Production Editor. I would be grateful if you could provide more information on the Pevsner Architectural Guide, as I am not familiar with their work.

I have enclosed my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter


That is it!!!!!!

THE END

It is all over.

I have done it.

I have applied for every job in The Guardian Dated 29/09/07. Well, apart from charity jobs, and some that had passed their apply by dates.

I am going to raise a glass tonight (sadly not Holsten Pils). I may even get the Champagne Parachute cork out; who knows?

Let's see what happens.

Thursday 7th February 2008

When I was at school, I played Rozencrantz in Tom Stoppard's Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. In the opening scene, I had to toss a coin and it land heads up time after time. We tried a double headed coin, a piece of wood, all sorts. In the end, we decided it was better to mime the coin tossing.

I mention this because Derren Brown produced a show called the System. During this programme, he tossed a coin heads ten times in a row. Apparently, it took him over nine hours of coin tossing.

I had cleared my desk of paperwork the other day and came across a two pence piece.

Having spoken about the Derren Brown Programme with Simon (The Challenger), I thought that I might give it a go:

First throw:
Heads.

Second Throw:

Heads.

Third Throw:

Heads.

Blimey I am really on to something here, I didn't need to mime all of those years ago.

Fourth Throw:

Tails.

Pants.

I nonchalantly tossed the coin to Simon to see if he could do any better. He was in the middle of a telephone call, so it had to wait.

First throw:

Heads.

Second Throw:

Heads.

Third throw:

Heads.

Fouth throw:

Heads.

Fifth throw:

Heads.

I am starting to take interest now.

Sixth, seventh, and eighth throw, all heads.

Ninth throw:

Heads.

I'm trying not to believe that this is happening. All of the throws were interrupted by various telephone calls.

The final throw was Heads!

Ten in a row!

It took Derren Brown nine hours of filming, and Simon had done it on his first attempt.

Amazing.

I applied to Sophie Macpherson with:

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling that I had just skipped a stone seven times on the sea.

You mentioned that experienced registrars need only apply.

Sorry, but I am not an experienced registrar, but would like to apply anyway.

Please find attached my CV.

I look forwards to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

The response was:

Dear Ian,Thank you very much for sending in your CV to Sophie Macpherson Ltd. I have passed it to my colleagues (noting your particular interest!) for review and should a position suitable to your interests and experience arise, they will be in contact with you.

If you do not object we will also keep your details on file for future reference.

If you have any further queries then please do not hesitate to contact us on 0207 636 9878. We wish you every success in your search and hope we can be of assistance.

Kind regards



Fantastic!

No other responses, so on I go with the jobs...

Aldi keep writing to me. Every week, I receive an e-mail for their area manager positions.
They now have an advert on the final page of my quest for:

well,

Area Managers.

Apply on line, so I did:

Dear Madam/Sir

I saw your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I have applied for every other advert in the newspaper, but I have not had one interview, as yet.

I hope that your job will be different.

I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Plantech were looking for an IT Trainee, apd 9/10/2007.

Media Contacts: Recruitment consultants.

The Chesterfield and North East Derbyshire Council for Voluntary Service & Action Ltd; Charity I'm afraid.

Although, their Acronym would be CNEDCVCSA.

It rolls of the tongue, doesn't it?


Norfolk Dance were looking for a Director; APD 29/10/07.

The final job...

Nearly six month's work and here it comes:

This is it, this is the end of the quest.

I can't do it now can I?

No, because question time is on. I will do it tomorrow.