Thursday 11th October 2007

Applications: 29 Rejections: 1 Replies: 6 (5 if you count human)

Cheese and onion crisps: brilliant.

GOOD NEWS FOR THE SPIDER LOVERS!

The world's first chain smoking spider has made a return tonight. I think it must have had a bit of a cough, and was probably laying off the fags for a while. Perhaps it took some spider benylin. (There are other spider cough medicines available: The honey and lemon spider lemsip capsules come highly recommended).

Afghanaid want a UK Director. See above, I can really not apply for this job, for now.

Brad Insight are looking for a Research Supervisor and Research Executives.

A confident and approachable manner is critical in this role and familiarity with database systems would be an advantage.

I am fairly confident, and I hope approachable. I am familiar with databases; I know that I do not understand how they work.



Dear Susan

I read with some considerable interest the advertisement that you placed in The Guardian on the 29/09/07.

As you can see from my attached CV, I can research. I can also supervise research. When I was at university, I used to watch the keen students in the library quite a lot.

I hope that you will consider me for either position.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Oops forgot to attach the CV...

It would have helped if I had attached my CV!!!

Kind regards


Ian carpenter

I am never going to get the job now.

The British Ecological Society are looking for a Policy Officer.

The position offers an exciting opportunity for you to use your knowledge and experience of policy to develop the BES's role [good punctuation] as an advocate for ecological science.

Gulp...

Deadline for application was noon today. I am only a few hours late so here goes...

Dear Madam/Sir

I am late for applying for your position advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. I really do apologise, but I have had a lot on my plate recently.

Are you still looking for a Policy Officer, or have you appointed one this afternoon?

I have attached my CV for your perusal, but I do appreciate that I am late in applying and that you may use it to mop up office spillages.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

SKI jobs want mountain people.

Ski Jobs: Knowledge is Powder.

Fantastic!

Knowledge is powder!!!!

I am not going to apply for any of their jobs, as I am not good with heights; therefore mountains are probably not a good idea. Besides there are literally thousands on the site and I would never finish the quest. Thank you SKI JOBS, but no thanks. Good pun though.

Alliance supporting community action on AIDS in developing countries. See above.

This next one looks the ticket.

ACM Advanced Currency Market SA.

What is an advanced currency? I thought the new twenty pound note was pretty advanced with its purple hue, but I think they are talking about something else here.

Fluent in English

This was in bold, so I must be on to a winner.

Experience in selling financial products

Erm, I did work in a bank for ten years.

They want a photo, a CV and a covering letter.

Dear Patrick

I am writing regarding your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Your advert asked that I send a photo. I have attached a photo of my Mum and Dad’s cat Whisky. I hope that you enjoy it!

I have also attached my CV, and I hope that this letter is counted as a covering letter.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Wednesday 10th October 2007

Applications: 23 Rejections: 1 Replies: 6 (5 if you count human)



We thank you for your interest in tenUk and will be in touch shortly.

Kind regards,

HR at tenUK

Thanks ten


Please visit our website where all our current vacancies are listed and updated regularly

www.mdx.ac.uk/jobs

Recruitment


Thanks Middlesex University.

Does anyone have a name?

Anyway, I was in London today and nearly got run over by a Police car. I was strolling along the Bayswater Road, the sun was shining, and I was heading for Lancaster Gate tube station. I could hear a siren in the environs, and had a good look around to make sure there was none heading my way. And then it came round the corner. I was smack bang in the middle of the road. I thought that my time was up.

You know on Scooby Do, when shaggy does that legs moving but not moving forward thing? I did it!!! I was actually running on the spot, waiting to be hit by a speeding police car. All's well that end well. I made it to the other side of the road, but I did cause some amusement to the diners in the restaurant on the corner.

Bad news for spider lovers. It looks as if chain smoking spider is no more. Two nights on the trot and she has not come back.

Essex has been infested with Blue Tongue Disease. Seriously, if ever a disease does what it says on the tin, that is it. What a fantastic name for a disease!

Farmer: What has he got vet?

Vet: He has a blue tongue.

Farmer: Is it serious?

Vet: Yes, he has blue tongue disease.

Farmer: Oh.

If only every other disease was as brilliantly named. I mean BSE, or Bovine Spongiform encephalopathy. What a useless name that is. Who knows what symptoms you are going to get with that? Only if you know some animal adjectives will you know that bovine relates to a cow. Spongiform, well what form does a spongi take?

Chicken pox? No, itchy red spots that you have to scratch until you hurt disease: much better.

So all in all, I congratulate the person who discovered blue tongue disease, a disease well named.

Anyway, on that note the health professions council are looking for a Lead Case Manager (x3) and Hearings Manager (x1). Was there really any need to put (x1)?

What does a lead case manager do? Do you have to manage cases made of lead?

Dear Madam/Sir

I was intrigued by your job vacancy in the Guardian dated 29/9/07.

Could you please tell me what is involved in managing cases that are made of lead? Is there some kind of protective suit that needs to be worn?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

The Merlin Housing association want a communications officer. No e-mail address, so will put to one side for the moment.

ST PAUL'S CATHEDRAL!

Oh dear closing date 5th October.

Tuesday 9th October 2007

Applications: 19 Rejections: 1 Replies: 4 (3 if you count human)


There comes a time in any endeavour, when you need to take stock. P G Wodehouse does this so brilliantly in his farcical novels. He gets to a point where he has to let everyone know what has happened thus far. So, although I have not had any upper class idiots stealing a cow creamer, I still think that I need to know where we are.

I have reached the bottom of the first page, and what have I learned so far?

1. There is an organisation called the Zygos Partnership.

2. Should I be wasting the time of well meaning charities?

3. The traffic in the south east is pants.

4. The Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart game.

5. I have discovered a new chain smoking spider. Although on this note, there is some concern. The spider did not appear tonight. I hope that she has not died of spider lung cancer.

6. I may have upset Marike Dippenaar, as I have not had a response from her yet.

7. The NHS use a computer to reject possible applicants and they can't spell application.

I think that sums everything up so far, so shall I continue?

ten- join the revolution.

ten are asking me to join a revolution! Are they are allowed to do this in a national newspaper? I'll bring my mate Che along for the interview, and Karl Marx can be my referee.

Ok ten, what are we going to revolutionise? Are you concerned with the race to the bottom? Are you against the war? What is it that we are set to revolutionise, because whatever it is I am in.

'We are an award winning company with a passion to make a real difference to averting climate change and we are building a first rate team.'

Right...

Three jobs:

1. Marketing Operations Manager: You will love the challenge of managing a sophisticated marketing plan.

2. Operations Director: You should have a demonstrable track record in managing a high quality service delivered across a wide range of functions.

3. Analytics Manager: You should be a real data junky.

A real data junky? Do I now live in America?

Anyhoo, I need to visit their website http://www.tenuk.com//GreenRecruitment.aspx

Dear ten

I would love to be part of your revolution!

Please find attached my Curriculum Vitae.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Middlesex University have brought this challenge to one of its inevitable conclusions. They would love me to be their Marketing and Recruitment Manager, or Marketing Administrator. However:

'Closing date 8 October 2007'


That was yesterday. Blimey you have to work quickly in this job application market. It was probably not helped by my three days off crisis of conscience thing. Should I apply anyway? Well, why not?

Dear Middlesex University

I have missed the deadline for your two jobs in the Guardian dated 29th September 2007, sorry.

Are you still looking for people?

Kind regards


Ian carpenter

That is five jobs that I have applied for today: Good work, I reckon!

Monday 8th October 2007

I have not applied for any jobs over the weekend. I have been hung up over this wasting the time of well meaning charities thing. I was glad to get to work to discuss it with some people. The consensus was that I should continue to apply for every job. I am still not sure. However, I will definitely apply for all the jobs on the first page of the paper. After that, who knows? Should I apply for only private sector jobs?

The other day in Winchmore Hill, I was listening to Hawksbee and Jacobs. They suggested a motorway game of France v England. Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobbart, how many lorries of each can you spot? It is a great game. I was kept amused from junction 26-29 of the M25. (The score was France 2 - England 0)

Anyway, despite my cat Hippy's objections, I need to get on with applying for more jobs.

Handicap International are looking for a Director. (Is handicap pc?)

They are looking to move to London in 2008.

Fantastic I can work in London. I will have:

Proven experience in the uk international development fundraising environment.

Tick. I did raise money for children in need by dressing up as a cowboy.

Proven management skills.

I can manage, thank you.

An ability to work collaboratively in an international environment.

You should have seen me in 1990 in the international drama festival.

A commitment to working with disabled people.

I do.

Excellent command of English and French.

I actually do have an excellent command of French and English.

This is the job I really want. No really. This is why I did the Degree in Eu Social Policy. I can speak French, and I know about social policy stuff. I have to send a CV and a short covering letter to Ann Van Dyck:

Dear Ann

I am writing following your advertisement for Director.

I am extremely passionate about the issues that your institution is dealing with. I studied for a Masters in EU Social policy. We were examining the way that the EU impacts on every member state’s social policy issues.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely


Ian Carpenter

Is that short enough?

The final job on the first page.

Do they think they are challenging me? Only two jobs? I once applied for five in one e-mail, so hang on.

Dear Amanda

You had a couple of jobs advertised in the Guardian recently.

Am I the right person?

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Research Manager and Business support manager covered.

I HAVE REACHED THE END OF THE FIRST PAGE!!!!

Thursday 4th October 2007

Applications: 11 Rejections: 1 Replies: 4 (3 if you count human)

We have a spider that lives in our dining room. It lives there quite happily. Throughout the day, it hides behind the back of the picture rail. No one would know that it was there. It is by the back window.

I am a smoker. The only place that I smoke is the dining room. For some reason, the spider only comes out once I get in from work. I smoke by the back window, and the spider comes out. We have the world's first chain smoking spider. I hope that one of the jobs will be working in the field of spider identification.

Today I spent the day out visiting properties that I manage. All in all I must have spent three hours stuck behind a bus in the Winchmore Hill and Green Lanes area of London.

Anyway:

I HAVE ANOTHER RESPONSE BY A HUMAN!

Sandra at Scottish Adoption e-mailed:

I am attaching pack – if you wish a hard copy please e mail with your address, although there is a postal strike today and it may not arrive for some days.
Sandra

No kind regards. I don't think these people liked me.

I am having serious moral quandaries here. These people are doing some serious work in a serious area of Social Policy. It is actually a job that I would really like. I support everything that they are doing. It makes my "silly little boy project" look ridiculous. Should I leave it at this? Is a response enough? I'll leave it for now, and move on.

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your email and interest in the DG position. We will be in touch soon after the closing date.

Best regards,

Sebastian Mann
Projects Executive
International Institute of Communications

Regent House
24-25 Nutford Place
London W1H 5YN

Sebastian sends his best regards. I think he knows that I might not be taking this too seriously.

Wednesday 3rd October 2007

Applications: 11 rejections: 1 Replies: 2 (1 if you count human)

I HAVE MY FIRST RESPONSE BY A HUMAN BEING!

Sorry for the capital letters, but it has been a momentous achievement.

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your recent email application for the position of Research Consultant at The Zygos Partnership.

We will contact you no later than the end of October in reference to this role.

In the meantime, thank you for your interest.

Kind regards.

Karren


The Zygos Partnership

I take back all previous comments about the Zygos Partnership.

Thank you Karren, and so friendly. The way that my flippant 'kind regards' sign off has been mirrored is pure brilliance. So, I will hear back from them by the end of the month.

Today has been fairly interactive on all fronts really. I sent an e-mail to my friend Stew, to see if he would be interested in what I was doing. I received the response:



Every time I talk to you you tell me how busy you are!!!!

Stew

Yes, but do you like the idea?



It's your own fault for reading a pretentious, leftie, quasi intellectual rag like The Guardian !

Stew

ps They can't spell either


He has a point. More observant readers of my project will have noticed a typo in the opening paragraph. The Guardian Wrok section was deliberate. Anyway, the excitement of receiving a response should not deter me from applying for more jobs...

The Scottish Adoption- Chief Executive-

Woah... This is big stuff.

I really do not have a social work background, or any financial management experience at a high level. No, wait! I worked in a bank, and I did a social policy degree, come on! This is definitely the job for me. Plus (In brackets) there is a Final Salary Pension Scheme (their capitals).

Dear Sandra

I am writing regarding your vacancy for a Chief Executive.

I would be grateful if you could send me more details regarding this position, and possibly an information pack.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

UK Sport are looking for a

COACHING CONSULTANT

Qualified to degree level (see above) (or below on the blog).

With a good knowledge of elite level sports in the UK. I have watched rugby only last week in the pub.


Dear Madam/Sir

I would like to apply for the position of Coaching Consultant as advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I have no experience in this area, however I am qualified to degree level and I do like watching elite sport.

I have attached my Curriculum Vitae for your perusal.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Director General of the International Institute of Communications

This is a part time position. Well really, how long can it take to direct communications?

"You speak!"

"Now you speak!"

It can't be hard. I reckon I could do this job, research for the Zygos Partnership, and be a part time STR worker for the Holy Cross Centre Trust. We will see.

www.iicom.org/DG

BACKGROUNDThe IIC was formed in 1969 at Ditchley Park in the UK. The underlying objective was to provide a non-partisan organisation to enable international debate of all kinds on the increasingly complex world of communications. The IIC’s mission is to provide a global framework for dialogue and to promote access to communications for all peoples of the world. It is an international, interdisciplinary, independent, not-for-profit membership organisation and a registered charity. Its funding comes from subscriptions, donations and projects. It is governed by an international Board of Directors and advised by a select number of Trustees.

Great another charity, yes I will donate any stamps etc if I get a response.


APPLICATIONSPlease contact Sebastian Mann at s.mann@iicom.org with an expression of your interest and most relevant experience along with a full CV and details of two referees.
No problem Sebastian:

Dear Sebastian

I would like to express my interest in your vacancy for Director General of the Institute of Communications.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal. As you can see I am able to communicate in a direct way.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter