Thursday 22nd November 2007

Applications: 84 Rejections: 5 Replies: 26 (25 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1


I was mortally embarrassed today.

I went to the supermarket after work and I was forced to go to the check-out of the woman that saw me topless on the stage of the Southend Cliffs Pavillion, whilst serenading Julian Clary, whilst having my nipples rubbed by his erstwhile sidekick, Hugh Jelly (from sticky moments).

I have managed to avoid her for about four years since the incident, but she was right on the end of the line of checkouts. I went bright red.

I should just explain that I went to see Julian Clary about four years ago. I was selected to participate in his live show. I say selected, the bloke in front of me refused to go up, so it really forced my hand.

Anyway, after having to answer several questions about my favourite sexual positions etc, it was of great amusement to many of the 600 odd people in the audience that I worked in a bank.

The following day, Nicky and I went to the supermarket, and the check out person said:

"Were you at the Cliffs Pavilion last night?"

I could have died.

She still remembers the incident, apparently, even after four years.

I still have the bottle of champagne that I was given that night, I do have a picture.


So on with the administration.

Jane's Information Group, from yesterday, sent me an e-mail:

Dear Ian,

Sorry could you just clarify which position you would like to apply for.

Many thanks,

Emma Cussell
Resource and Development Administrator


Dear Emma

Thank you for your e-mail.

Please, do not apologise for asking for clarification of my application. I have to admit, it was not clear from my original e-mail.

I would like to apply for both positions advertised.

They were, in turn:

Deputy Editor, Jane’s Defence Weekly-Coulsdon Surrey.

and

Chief Sub-Editor (Defence and Transport)- Coulsdon Surrey.

I hope that this clarifies the matter, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

I also received an odd e-mail:

Dear Ian


Regards
Craig Cobb Consultant
Judd Farris Property Recruitment


Dear Craig

Thank you for your e-mail.

I noted with a considerable amount of interest that you did not include a message.

The more you know, the less you need to show, I suppose.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Administration over.

It was pointed out to me, by Laura, Dan, Barry and Martin that there was a vacant position today. The England boss, Steve McLaren, has lost his job following last night's defeat. I have a day off tomorrow, so I reckon it may be time for bonus job number 3.

Wednesday 21st October 2007

Applications: 84 Rejections: 5 Replies: 25 (24 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

No e-mails received today.

Perhaps everyone was down the pub watching England get beaten 3-2 by Croatia. I thought it was a fairly exciting game, despite everyone's doom and gloom.

So on with posh page 17...

'Jane's Information Group offers a range of integrated advertising, intelligence and consultancy solutions in five specialist areas - defence, security, transport, public safety and law enforcement.'


Hmm...

I see another LoTSa here.

Dear Emma

I read with interest your advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am slightly late in responding, but I would still like to apply.

Firstly, I can’t help mentioning that you have missed a trick. You are marketing your organisation as Jane’s. Jane’s Information Group would lend itself to the acronym JIG. Just think of the possibilities!!!

JIGSAW- a monthly newsletter, where you tell everyone about the defence, security, transport, public safety and law enforcement that you have observed over the last month.

Let’s JIG! A once a month party when all like minded people can have a bit of a boogie, whilst discussing defence, security, etc.

I hope you are interested in my ideas.

I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

So we come to Sheridan Edward at Modern Art Oxford.

Charity, I am afraid, but take a look at their site www.modernartoxford.org.uk.

Titan Publishing Group want editors for comics, and designers. Apply by date 28/09/07.

What?!?!?

The paper was published on the 29/09/07.

Dear Madam/Sir

I was stupefied by your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Your advert asked that I apply for the job by the 28/09/07. Are you really expecting people to have developed a time machine?

I appreciate that you are publishing comics, but in the real world, I do not think that is possible.

However, I would like to try.

An associate of mine, who I call Paranormal Barry, could probably assist. Whenever he takes a photo, funny orbs appear in it.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to your earliest reply.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Two small adverts in the corner warrant no more than me sending them my CV:

Dear Madam/Sir

Please find attached my CV.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Can you imagine next summer, when the European championships are on? No UK teams. Oh well, at least the gutters will not be full of those stupid flags that have fallen off the car windows.

Every cloud...

Tuesday 20th November 2007

Applications: 77 Rejections: 5 Replies: 25 (24 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1


I'm out of the office. For urgent coverage questions until 1930 GMT, please call the Frankfurt desk at +49 69 29 725 500.

I will be back at my desk at around 0630 GMT Tuesday, Nov. 20.

Klaus Brune
News Editor, Germany

I have had so much interaction with Klaus, I feel that I know him personally.


Welcome to the Guardian Jobs newsletter

Dear Ian,
This November we have new education vacancies to set your enthusiasm alight. Following the launch of last month's jobs mobile service, we have a new video section with advice from how to write a covering letter to becoming the office hero. Guardian Jobs has all the help and advice you need at your fingertips.

Careers advice videosWant to know how to tell your boss you've made a big mistake? Or how to negotiate the salary for your new job? The videos offer straightforward, no nonsense advice on a range of work and career-related subjects.
Public gives teachers a glowing reportA recent survey has found public perceptions of teachers, and of teaching as a career, are surprisingly positive. Until recently, those in the profession, spurred on by negative stereotypes in the media and a lack of government support, have often believed the public did not have a very high opinion of teachers. But 50% of the public questioned now see teaching as an attractive career.

Dear JeremyWhether it's a personality clash in the office or an unwanted relocation issue our agony uncle Jeremy Bullmore will help you find a solution.
How's your work/life balance?Work/life balance doesn't just mean getting to the pub on time. There are new ways for employers and employees to decide on working hours and allot benefits. Try our quiz to find out if you know what 'getting wlb' involves.
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The Guardian are really taking the proverbial now.

On a lighter note, the Government have today given away the personal details of 25 million people. This includes bank details, names and addresses of everyone in the UK that qualifies for family tax credits. This really puts my little error with the Complementry Art Gallery into perspective.

We have also tried to set up the inaugural meeting of the Southend Poppadom Society. Well I say we, more like Simon and me, in an Indian restaurant on Friday night. I am trying to get some takers, but no-one seems interested. Let's see what happens.

The chain smoking spider has really ceased to be. Hippy and Lenny are all ok (They are greatly relieved that the fireworks have dissipated).

So on with the jobs:

Oh no wait...

Paranormal Barry has been doing some repairs on a property that I manage. He sent me a picture of some fences that he has been working on. Guess what? Another orb.

I have also been trying to purloin pianos from various people at work. They all seem to have friends that own them, but are not willing to lend me them for The City Council of Liverpool.

Senior Public Affairs Manager at energywatch ;ABD 15/10/07.

Casual Subeditors, observer sport. I reckon I wouldn't have to wear a tie. Anyway, closing date was 7/10/07.

END OF PAGE 16!!!!

Page 17 looks a bit posh. I think I'll leave it until tomorrow. Sheridan Edward from Modern Art Oxford can surely wait another day for my application.

Monday 19th November 2007

Thurs 15 Nov
Floodlit game Leamington Spa to Basildon
Nobby 9 v 8 Stobby

Didn't play the trip to Leamington thankfully, too many Frenchies about.
Was heading for a disaster game as the M40 left Stobby trailing 5 - 1!! Zut Alors! On the M25 I saw a lorry emblazoned Carpenters. Just thought you might like to know.
Unusually saw 2 Tate and Lyle tankers - but they could not be counted. You have to have rules. Without rules where would we be? France.
M25 was kind - in terms of the game, not the damn traffic. After thinking the thrashing on the M40 was irreversable the score was hauled back to 6 all! Just after the A10 our hearts were broken by the sight of a Nobby 7 - 6. Bugger.
A Nobby tanker rubbed salt in the wound at the A12 before another Stobby restored hope 8 - 7.
Unbelievably a Nobby was ambling along in the queue for the A127 9 - 7.
Despite a late Stobby just by the turn off it ended 9 - 8. Merde.

Good game.

Al Murray, the pub landlord, would be happy with the anti-French stuff. Yes it is a parody ladies and gentlemen.

Anyway, I had loads of emails today.

Dear Ian

Thank you for your recent application via Marketing Jobboard. Unfortunately your skills and experience do not match what we are looking for at this time.

However, we will keep your details on file and if your skills and experience match a specific role, we will be the first to contact you! If you wish to be removed from our records, please email us at info@brandrecruitment.co.uk .

We wish you all the best in your future career.

All best,

Jayde
___________________________________

I think it was the comment about my bad back, and not wanting to dig in.

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your CV and covering letter. We have no immediate positions, however, we will keep your details on file for 6 months and we will be in contact should a suitable opportunity arise. If you do not wish us to keep your details on file please notify us by return.

Best Wishes
Caroline Garside
HR Administrator

What? You were the ones that advertised in The Guardian, I know you have positions.

Dear Caroline

Thank you for your e-mail.

I have to admit that I was a bit surprised, as I was applying for positions that you have advertised.

However, I am pleased that you are keeping my details on file, and I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

And from Frankfurt:

Dear Mr. Carpenter,

sorry, I was out for a couple of days. I'm still in the process of collecting all incoming applications.

I will get back to you if I need more information about your application.

Best regards,

Klaus Brune

See 13th November, Klaus is not good with capital letters.


Dear Mr Brune

Thank you for your e-mail.

I hope you enjoyed your few days holiday. You must be really busy catching up on e-mails. I am grateful for your response.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can provide more information.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Anyway, I got into work early this morning. I had a chat with Melissa and Laura, from our accounts department. I brought to their attention my interest in the fine art of origami.

Within ten minutes, I had a crane Mum and Baby on my desk.

I really did not ask them to do it.

But they are fantastic!