Saturday 5th January 2008
Dear Simon or Claire
I am writing following your recent advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
You said that I could spice up 2007 with a career in media sales. However, it is now 2008; can this year be spiced up in the same manner?
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Lyric; Charity.
Meyer Group, National Account Manager APD 12/10/07.
Sunday 6th January 2008
Sundays are a great day for generally ruminating about stuff, and coming up with new theories on the way the world works. I bet that it was a Sunday that Charles Darwin landed in HMS Beagle at the Galapagos Islands, met a turtle, and thought about his theory of evolution.
Einstein probably had his initial thoughts about relativity, whilst watching the darts on BBC2, at around 6 p.m. on a Sunday. I mean, do the darts move relative to the bloke in the audience with a giant ginger wig on?
We all know that Karl Marx’s theory of alienation was thought up on a Sunday (Especially the bit about being alienated from species being.). How many times have we all felt alienated from our species being on a Sunday Morning?
Well here is my theory:
You know how a dog’s age is measured in ‘dog years’? My Nan and Grandad’s dog, Scratch, died when he was about 10, but this was about 78 in ‘dog years’. Well I think the same is true for premiership football players. It was only about two years ago, I’m sure of it, that Michael Owen was the new kid on the block. A child prodigy, 16 years old, and the best prospect in British Football. And now he is about 28 years old. How did that happen? I think that there is a new theory of evolution, called ‘premiership footballer years’.
I mentioned this to Nicky, and she thought that maybe we could expand on it a bit. We all remember Madonna hitting the music scene as a feisty 20ish person, and now she is an icon, and has become older than us, more quickly than normal humans.
So, I submit my new theory: the theory of ‘Celebrity Years’.
Maybe not.
Anyway, we had another power cut this evening. The new torch that I bought the other day when we had a power cut is officially rubbish. On the side of it, it claims to have the power of 3,500,000 candles. Admittedly it does, it lit the entire house from the kitchen. Sadly, only for about ten minutes. Then you have to charge it up again, which is slightly tricky when you have a power cut.
Other big news.
I mentioned on the 24th November 2007 that when you put guardianwork into Google, this little blog comes first in the list. Well I put guardianwork in this evening, and guess what? The Guardian Newspaper’s Jobs link comes up as a sponsored link. How did that happen?
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Friday, January 04, 2008
Friday 4th January 2008
Chelsea Square are looking for a Designer/Specifier:
'Working mainly on refurbishments of Victorian Properties, the successful candidate will be conversant with autoCAD, possess a high level of design creativity encompassing spatial awareness[.]'
Dear Michael
I fumbled across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I would like to apply for your position as Designer/Specifier.
I can not confess to be conversant with autoCAD. Is this one of those new computer games that you can talk to? I do not know of it, but I am willing to learn.
I do have a high level of design creativity, and a great deal of spatial awareness. In my opinion, Ursa Major looks nothing like a great bear, and as for the hunter Orion, I ask you.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Contemporary Design Gallery London.
Hang on, this sounds like the last scam (see 24th October).
Dear Madam/Sir
I read with some concern your advert in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.
I say this because I applied for a similar position, from a similar sized advert, in the same paper. It was on page 9 towards the bottom of the paper.
It turned out to be a scam!
Can you assure me that before I send my CV, this is a genuine job opportunity?
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
END OF PAGE 22!!! 7 PAGES TO GO!!!!
Chelsea Square are looking for a Designer/Specifier:
'Working mainly on refurbishments of Victorian Properties, the successful candidate will be conversant with autoCAD, possess a high level of design creativity encompassing spatial awareness[.]'
Dear Michael
I fumbled across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I would like to apply for your position as Designer/Specifier.
I can not confess to be conversant with autoCAD. Is this one of those new computer games that you can talk to? I do not know of it, but I am willing to learn.
I do have a high level of design creativity, and a great deal of spatial awareness. In my opinion, Ursa Major looks nothing like a great bear, and as for the hunter Orion, I ask you.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Contemporary Design Gallery London.
Hang on, this sounds like the last scam (see 24th October).
Dear Madam/Sir
I read with some concern your advert in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.
I say this because I applied for a similar position, from a similar sized advert, in the same paper. It was on page 9 towards the bottom of the paper.
It turned out to be a scam!
Can you assure me that before I send my CV, this is a genuine job opportunity?
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
END OF PAGE 22!!! 7 PAGES TO GO!!!!
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Thursday 3rd January 2008
Bad news I'm afraid.
My sister has had a fag. I got the text message at around 11.00 p.m. this evening. Still, nearly three days is not bad. It's a good effort.
There was a power cut in Shoeburyness last Friday. Apparently 22,000 were without electric for the whole night. One of these 22,000 was a colleague Dan at work, who had just returned from the peak district, and had no food or anything in.
I only mention this, as we had a power cut last night. Of course, we had no candles in, and so I had to go to Waitrose (See above, Waitrose Ceilidh). All the twenty two thousand people in Shoebury had bought every single candle in Waitrose. They had no candles. Well, apart from four Christmassy, glittery things.
So I bought them; I had no choice. Four candles? The two Ronnies would have been proud of me.
I also bought a great big torch in B&Q. I mean massive, I could eat my dinner of the lens on the front. This was all good until I brought it home. I read in gloriously Dickensian candlelight that you had to charge the bloody thing up first.
Oh well.
No e-mails today, well I have been slacking over Christmas I suppose. Let's crack on...
TNT Magazine:
Deputy Sales Manager
Events Marketing Executive.
'You will need previous media sales experience, excellent account management skills and the ability to lead a team.'
Dear Madam/Sir
I read with alacrity your advert for the above roles in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.
I appreciate that I am slightly tardy in my application, but would like to apply for the two positions advertised.
You stipulated that I may need previous media sales experience. Well, on December 30th, the film Babe was on the telly. My partner did not want to watch it at first, but I managed to sell it to her. In the end she quite enjoyed it! Moreover, she is a vegetarian!
I also have excellent account management skills. I once managed to avoid being charged for an excess overdraft fee, by using the internet.
I have experience in leading a team. On December 30th (sorry to repeat myself), there was a film on after Babe called Snow Dogs. He had to lead a team of husky dogs in order to pull his sled. The funny thing was, he kept tripping over the lead!
Anyway, I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
PS Do you write about dynamite?
Bad news I'm afraid.
My sister has had a fag. I got the text message at around 11.00 p.m. this evening. Still, nearly three days is not bad. It's a good effort.
There was a power cut in Shoeburyness last Friday. Apparently 22,000 were without electric for the whole night. One of these 22,000 was a colleague Dan at work, who had just returned from the peak district, and had no food or anything in.
I only mention this, as we had a power cut last night. Of course, we had no candles in, and so I had to go to Waitrose (See above, Waitrose Ceilidh). All the twenty two thousand people in Shoebury had bought every single candle in Waitrose. They had no candles. Well, apart from four Christmassy, glittery things.
So I bought them; I had no choice. Four candles? The two Ronnies would have been proud of me.
I also bought a great big torch in B&Q. I mean massive, I could eat my dinner of the lens on the front. This was all good until I brought it home. I read in gloriously Dickensian candlelight that you had to charge the bloody thing up first.
Oh well.
No e-mails today, well I have been slacking over Christmas I suppose. Let's crack on...
TNT Magazine:
Deputy Sales Manager
Events Marketing Executive.
'You will need previous media sales experience, excellent account management skills and the ability to lead a team.'
Dear Madam/Sir
I read with alacrity your advert for the above roles in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.
I appreciate that I am slightly tardy in my application, but would like to apply for the two positions advertised.
You stipulated that I may need previous media sales experience. Well, on December 30th, the film Babe was on the telly. My partner did not want to watch it at first, but I managed to sell it to her. In the end she quite enjoyed it! Moreover, she is a vegetarian!
I also have excellent account management skills. I once managed to avoid being charged for an excess overdraft fee, by using the internet.
I have experience in leading a team. On December 30th (sorry to repeat myself), there was a film on after Babe called Snow Dogs. He had to lead a team of husky dogs in order to pull his sled. The funny thing was, he kept tripping over the lead!
Anyway, I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
PS Do you write about dynamite?
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Monday, no Tuesday 1st January 2007, sorry 2008
So, another Christmas over with.
I think I shall just sit on the bus with Lenny.
The pictures represent the start and the end of my seasonal festivities.
The socks are the best Christmas present that I have ever bought. There was a website, in Switzerland, where you see pictures of around twenty Grannies. There were all sorts of pictures of Grannies. Young Grannies, Old Grannies, Big Grannies, Small Grannies. You had to select a Granny that you most liked. You clicked on a picture and then you were taken to a screen of the different designs you could choose. And this Swiss Granny would knit you a pair of socks for Christmas!
How fantastic!
So Rita, our favourite Swiss Granny, knitted a pair of socks for my common-law Mother in Law (Is there such a term?). Now, you have to bear in mind the whole transaction was completed in German, I felt ever so proud of us for doing this; GCSE German was only taken as a subsidiary subject whilst doing my A-levels over 17 years ago. So with the help of the Collins Gem German Dictionary (now in colour), my common-law Mother in Law has a pair of socks knitted by Rita.
Before you ask how I came across a site with Grannies on it, I read about it in The Independent.
We spent last night at Ann and Alex's (Alex and Ann would just be wrong; see above). Ann is Liz, of Liz and Les fame's sister, and Alex is her husband. They recently got married in Las Vegas, as Alex is a big Elvis fan. We had a stag/hen do in a great place in Scotland earlier on in the year. A place called Assynt House, with Graham and Liz (you know I think Liz and Graham might work here, hmm) as excellent hosts. It was a great weekend. So last night, felt like a bit of a re-union. The parachute in the picture was a present from Liz and Les. You stick it on the end of a champagne cork, and your champagne cork comes down on a parachute; brilliant!
We found it on the windscreen of Nick's car when we picked it up at 4 p.m. this afternoon, with a post-it note from Alex:
'Don't forget your parachute'.
Good work all round I would say.
So let's sit on the bus.
The onions went for £5.07. They were won by Barrynormal. There was a brief flurry of bidding on Christmas Eve (I think everyone was excited), but Barry has won the onions. I wonder which charity will be £5.07 better off.
The Fostering Network wanted a Media and Communications officer. Charity.
Women & Theatre wanted a General Manager. APD 15/10/07.
The Ecologist:
'The world's leading environmental Magazine needs someone to manage our website. If you:
Have experience editing copy
Can repackage and source copy
Can develop audience interaction and UGC
Can compile a weekly newsletter
Are able to re-launching a website
Please e-mail your CV.'
Honestly, am I able to re-launching a website? Can these people not write properly? I was just about to apply when I saw the .org website. These people needed to be told, but hey ho.
Hounslow Council wanted:
Finance Manager
Customer Relations Manager
Marketing Officer
All passed their apply by dates.
The Wall Street Journal wanted a Commissioning Editor - Special Sections.
Special Sections?
APD 5/10/07.
My sister, Alison; you remember the one with the Cindy doll, has given up smoking for the New Year. I sent her a text message at 6.00 p.m; still not had a fag. Come on Alison, you can do it.
So, another Christmas over with.
I think I shall just sit on the bus with Lenny.
The pictures represent the start and the end of my seasonal festivities.
The socks are the best Christmas present that I have ever bought. There was a website, in Switzerland, where you see pictures of around twenty Grannies. There were all sorts of pictures of Grannies. Young Grannies, Old Grannies, Big Grannies, Small Grannies. You had to select a Granny that you most liked. You clicked on a picture and then you were taken to a screen of the different designs you could choose. And this Swiss Granny would knit you a pair of socks for Christmas!
How fantastic!
So Rita, our favourite Swiss Granny, knitted a pair of socks for my common-law Mother in Law (Is there such a term?). Now, you have to bear in mind the whole transaction was completed in German, I felt ever so proud of us for doing this; GCSE German was only taken as a subsidiary subject whilst doing my A-levels over 17 years ago. So with the help of the Collins Gem German Dictionary (now in colour), my common-law Mother in Law has a pair of socks knitted by Rita.
Before you ask how I came across a site with Grannies on it, I read about it in The Independent.
We spent last night at Ann and Alex's (Alex and Ann would just be wrong; see above). Ann is Liz, of Liz and Les fame's sister, and Alex is her husband. They recently got married in Las Vegas, as Alex is a big Elvis fan. We had a stag/hen do in a great place in Scotland earlier on in the year. A place called Assynt House, with Graham and Liz (you know I think Liz and Graham might work here, hmm) as excellent hosts. It was a great weekend. So last night, felt like a bit of a re-union. The parachute in the picture was a present from Liz and Les. You stick it on the end of a champagne cork, and your champagne cork comes down on a parachute; brilliant!
We found it on the windscreen of Nick's car when we picked it up at 4 p.m. this afternoon, with a post-it note from Alex:
'Don't forget your parachute'.
Good work all round I would say.
So let's sit on the bus.
The onions went for £5.07. They were won by Barrynormal. There was a brief flurry of bidding on Christmas Eve (I think everyone was excited), but Barry has won the onions. I wonder which charity will be £5.07 better off.
The Fostering Network wanted a Media and Communications officer. Charity.
Women & Theatre wanted a General Manager. APD 15/10/07.
The Ecologist:
'The world's leading environmental Magazine needs someone to manage our website. If you:
Have experience editing copy
Can repackage and source copy
Can develop audience interaction and UGC
Can compile a weekly newsletter
Are able to re-launching a website
Please e-mail your CV.'
Honestly, am I able to re-launching a website? Can these people not write properly? I was just about to apply when I saw the .org website. These people needed to be told, but hey ho.
Hounslow Council wanted:
Finance Manager
Customer Relations Manager
Marketing Officer
All passed their apply by dates.
The Wall Street Journal wanted a Commissioning Editor - Special Sections.
Special Sections?
APD 5/10/07.
My sister, Alison; you remember the one with the Cindy doll, has given up smoking for the New Year. I sent her a text message at 6.00 p.m; still not had a fag. Come on Alison, you can do it.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Monday 24th December 2007
I have discovered the origins of Mornington Crescent.
My Mother in Law bought me a book on Mah-Jongg:
Rule 122 (e):
'If a player completes his hand by robbing a kong of two bamboos, he scores a full hand. This is termed as 'Scratching a Carrying Pole'.'
Whereas rule, 122 (f):
'If a player completes a kong, with the loose tile thus obtained completes a second kong, and with the second loose tile obtains Mah-Jongg, he scores a full hand. This is termed 'Kong upon kong', or 'Twofold Fortune'. The requirement for this hand is that two kongs and the whole hand should be completed in one and the same turn. '
Winchmore Hill.
The auction for the onions is up to £1.20.
I have discovered the origins of Mornington Crescent.
My Mother in Law bought me a book on Mah-Jongg:
Rule 122 (e):
'If a player completes his hand by robbing a kong of two bamboos, he scores a full hand. This is termed as 'Scratching a Carrying Pole'.'
Whereas rule, 122 (f):
'If a player completes a kong, with the loose tile thus obtained completes a second kong, and with the second loose tile obtains Mah-Jongg, he scores a full hand. This is termed 'Kong upon kong', or 'Twofold Fortune'. The requirement for this hand is that two kongs and the whole hand should be completed in one and the same turn. '
Winchmore Hill.
The auction for the onions is up to £1.20.
Sunday, December 23, 2007
Sunday 23rd December 2007
My Mum and Dad came down yesterday to discuss how Father Christmas delivers his presents all over the world.
We came to no conclusions.
They also brought the annual jar of pickled onions, made by Phyllis. Admittedly, Hippy is not best pleased with these onions.
330199560341
Is the E-bay number.
Please give generously.
Put 330199560341 into e-bay.
My Mum and Dad came down yesterday to discuss how Father Christmas delivers his presents all over the world.
We came to no conclusions.
They also brought the annual jar of pickled onions, made by Phyllis. Admittedly, Hippy is not best pleased with these onions.
330199560341
Is the E-bay number.
Please give generously.
Put 330199560341 into e-bay.
Saturday 22nd December 2007
Canterbury Christ Church were looking for a Senior Lecturer in Digital Media, APD 19/10/07.
VSO wanted a SENIOR CORPORATE PARTNERSHIPS FUNDRAISER. Charity.
The Greater Manchester Police are (were) looking for an Internal Communications Officer. How did you internally communicate during the miners' strike?
I'll hit him on the head, after you.
No thanks.
CAFOD just one world. I agree, but a charity.
The University of TEESSIDE were looking for a copywriter. APD 12/10/07.
Faber and Faber are looking for someone to design their covers:
Dear Madam/Sir
I glimpsed at your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I attach a picture of a cover that I have recently used in my work.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Canterbury Christ Church were looking for a Senior Lecturer in Digital Media, APD 19/10/07.
VSO wanted a SENIOR CORPORATE PARTNERSHIPS FUNDRAISER. Charity.
The Greater Manchester Police are (were) looking for an Internal Communications Officer. How did you internally communicate during the miners' strike?
I'll hit him on the head, after you.
No thanks.
CAFOD just one world. I agree, but a charity.
The University of TEESSIDE were looking for a copywriter. APD 12/10/07.
Faber and Faber are looking for someone to design their covers:
Dear Madam/Sir
I glimpsed at your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I attach a picture of a cover that I have recently used in my work.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
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