Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Wednesday 30th January 2008
‘On the 22nd March 1951 The Maersk Company Limited was incorporated, in part to enable a representation in the United Kingdom by A.P. Møller, a Danish shipowner. Mr A.P Moller was one of the first Directors to sit on the board of TheMaersk Company Limited.’
‘James Irlam, the Grandfather of David, Michael and Stewart started his one man business back in the 1940’s when he was a market gardener based in Ringway. But when the building of Manchester Airport began, his land stood in the way of runway development and he was forced to relocate to the Chelford area. From here, James transported milk churns to the Manchester dairies and returned with corn supplies for local farms – so no empty running even then!’
Oh pants, I thought they were from Scotland.
I had an idea, whilst playing Nobby v Stobby on the way to Feltham today. We could have a four nation’s competition between France (Norbert Dentressangle), England (Eddie Stobbard), Denmark (Maersk), and (as I thought) Scotland (James Irlam). But James Irlam are from Manchester.
The quite worrying thing is that I found the James Irlam Picture on Lorryspotting.com. Yes it really does exist.
I thought the paranormal thing was weird, but this could take me into all sorts of list based, Saturday mornings at train stations.
Me: E555667, Nathan?
Nathan: Yes, I have got that one. I saw it in Grantham Train Station.
It really won’t. It is just a thing to keep me amused on boring motorway journeys.
The African Cup of Nations (Or is it The Nations Cup of Africa) is just about to end, so we need a new tournament. I think the Lorry Four Nations could fill the void. Well, except that it is technically three nations, but poetic license lets James Irlam represent Scotland rather than Manchester.
All teams are to play each other twice, home and away. The away leg will be played on the way to somewhere; the home matches will be played, well on the way home.
The first games were played today, to and from Feltham.
Nobby was at home, and took an early lead at junction 29 of the M25. I have to agree with sports reporter Steve, it is like eating a doughnut without licking your fingers.
England came back with an early hat-trick, thanks to an assist by one of those double lorry things.
1-3.
Then Nobby had a fantastic turn of form. By Junction 26 it was 6-3, thanks to some great finishing by one of their substitutes (Known as 'The Tanker').
6-4, then 7-4, then England pulled one back at Junction 24, 7-5.
8-5,8-6,8-7, come on we are at junction 21a now, surely momentum is with England!!!
The Nobby showed the typical French class. Arsene Wenger claims not to have seen it, but Nobby won 10-8.
The Home leg:
Myself and Arsene saw no action until St Albans when Stobby took the lead. It was then pretty slow going, each side testing each other out all the way to junction 24, where it was 4-3.
No action until Junction 28, where we had a flurry of goals.
5-3
5-4
6-4
7-4
8-4
8-5
This is because I was sat still in traffic for an hour.
Anyway, bad light stopped play, and France have taken an early lead in the Championship.
Current standings:
Team P W L D F A GD Pts
France 2 2 0 0 18 13 5 6
Denmark 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Scotland 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
England 2 0 2 0 13 1 8 -5 0
‘On the 22nd March 1951 The Maersk Company Limited was incorporated, in part to enable a representation in the United Kingdom by A.P. Møller, a Danish shipowner. Mr A.P Moller was one of the first Directors to sit on the board of TheMaersk Company Limited.’
‘James Irlam, the Grandfather of David, Michael and Stewart started his one man business back in the 1940’s when he was a market gardener based in Ringway. But when the building of Manchester Airport began, his land stood in the way of runway development and he was forced to relocate to the Chelford area. From here, James transported milk churns to the Manchester dairies and returned with corn supplies for local farms – so no empty running even then!’
Oh pants, I thought they were from Scotland.
I had an idea, whilst playing Nobby v Stobby on the way to Feltham today. We could have a four nation’s competition between France (Norbert Dentressangle), England (Eddie Stobbard), Denmark (Maersk), and (as I thought) Scotland (James Irlam). But James Irlam are from Manchester.
The quite worrying thing is that I found the James Irlam Picture on Lorryspotting.com. Yes it really does exist.
I thought the paranormal thing was weird, but this could take me into all sorts of list based, Saturday mornings at train stations.
Me: E555667, Nathan?
Nathan: Yes, I have got that one. I saw it in Grantham Train Station.
It really won’t. It is just a thing to keep me amused on boring motorway journeys.
The African Cup of Nations (Or is it The Nations Cup of Africa) is just about to end, so we need a new tournament. I think the Lorry Four Nations could fill the void. Well, except that it is technically three nations, but poetic license lets James Irlam represent Scotland rather than Manchester.
All teams are to play each other twice, home and away. The away leg will be played on the way to somewhere; the home matches will be played, well on the way home.
The first games were played today, to and from Feltham.
Nobby was at home, and took an early lead at junction 29 of the M25. I have to agree with sports reporter Steve, it is like eating a doughnut without licking your fingers.
England came back with an early hat-trick, thanks to an assist by one of those double lorry things.
1-3.
Then Nobby had a fantastic turn of form. By Junction 26 it was 6-3, thanks to some great finishing by one of their substitutes (Known as 'The Tanker').
6-4, then 7-4, then England pulled one back at Junction 24, 7-5.
8-5,8-6,8-7, come on we are at junction 21a now, surely momentum is with England!!!
The Nobby showed the typical French class. Arsene Wenger claims not to have seen it, but Nobby won 10-8.
The Home leg:
Myself and Arsene saw no action until St Albans when Stobby took the lead. It was then pretty slow going, each side testing each other out all the way to junction 24, where it was 4-3.
No action until Junction 28, where we had a flurry of goals.
5-3
5-4
6-4
7-4
8-4
8-5
This is because I was sat still in traffic for an hour.
Anyway, bad light stopped play, and France have taken an early lead in the Championship.
Current standings:
Team P W L D F A GD Pts
France 2 2 0 0 18 13 5 6
Denmark 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
Scotland 0 0 0 0 0 0 0 0
England 2 0 2 0 13 1 8 -5 0
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Tuesday 29th January 2008
Well, all in all it has been a pretty tough week. More so than I can let on, for some fairly obvious reasons. So all this has meant that I have forgotten to relate my letter from Nigel Chopping; remember him?
Goalkeeper in the Lumberjacks eleven.
He wrote me a letter to say that he was dealing with my Tree Preservation Order issue in the Winchmore Hill area of London. If, however he was out of the office, I could speak to his colleague.
Guess what his name was?
No, go on, guess...
Give up?
Ashley McAlpine.
Honestly, I do not make this stuff up.
I think Ashley should probably make the bench of the Lumberjacks XI. Is it a pre-requisite of the job that you could appear in the Lumberjacks eleven? You can imagine the interview:
Tree Company's HR person: So why do you want to work in lumber jacking?
John Smith: Well, I did a degree in arboriculturalism, and I like being outdoors.
Tree Company's HR person: Well, that is all very well and good, but your name has nothing to do with trees.
John Smith: But I have trained for this for years. I have been to Wales and everything.
Tree Company's HR person: Well, I'm sorry, but your name is just not up to scratch.
John Smith: My middle name is Sycamore, does that help?
Tree Company's HR person: Ok, you can have the job, as long as you pretend Sycamore is your first name.
So on with the jobs...
'Experience isn't essential, but it is guaranteed'
WJP Floyd are looking for a Junior Designer:
'This is your chance to learn the ropes with a medium-sized advertising agency...And you will do it all as part of a small, close-knit studio team.'
Dear Savannah
I spotted your advert in The Guardian Dated 29/09/07. I was really impressed with your tag line.
Your advert stated that this would be an opportunity for me to learn the ropes. I am really excited about this. I was in the Cubs as a young boy, but I never achieved my Knots Badge, as I was unable to pull off a Lanyard Hitch Knot. I look forward to learning this from you.
Secondly, I was impressed that you have a small close-knit studio team. I have recently taken up the fine art of knitting. It is a long story that I would quite happily expand on at interview, if required. It all started with a Granny from Switzerland knitting my mother in law a pair of socks for Christmas.
Anyway, I have no experience of Quark, Photoshop, or illustrator, but I would like to apply anyway (Mainly for the rope opportunities).
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
GE FABBRI Production Assistant APD 15/10/07.
'Xtaster is one of the UK's leading youth marketing companies operating at the vanguard of an evolving market place.'
I'm frightened already.
Dear Joy
Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 left me with a level of increased anxiety.
I would like to apply for your position; however I am 35 years old this year, and wondered whether this would rule me out?
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Harrow Children's Services; ethical no no.
Southend on Sea Borough Council, who would have thought that? Well, I could have been their ICT Group Manager or ICT Strategist/Business Business Partner for Children and Learning. Closing date 12/10/07.
Guess what?
I am about to turn the last page over, I have reached the end of page twenty seven.
Breathe in, hold, and out...
Come on,
I can do this...
Done.
Well, all in all it has been a pretty tough week. More so than I can let on, for some fairly obvious reasons. So all this has meant that I have forgotten to relate my letter from Nigel Chopping; remember him?
Goalkeeper in the Lumberjacks eleven.
He wrote me a letter to say that he was dealing with my Tree Preservation Order issue in the Winchmore Hill area of London. If, however he was out of the office, I could speak to his colleague.
Guess what his name was?
No, go on, guess...
Give up?
Ashley McAlpine.
Honestly, I do not make this stuff up.
I think Ashley should probably make the bench of the Lumberjacks XI. Is it a pre-requisite of the job that you could appear in the Lumberjacks eleven? You can imagine the interview:
Tree Company's HR person: So why do you want to work in lumber jacking?
John Smith: Well, I did a degree in arboriculturalism, and I like being outdoors.
Tree Company's HR person: Well, that is all very well and good, but your name has nothing to do with trees.
John Smith: But I have trained for this for years. I have been to Wales and everything.
Tree Company's HR person: Well, I'm sorry, but your name is just not up to scratch.
John Smith: My middle name is Sycamore, does that help?
Tree Company's HR person: Ok, you can have the job, as long as you pretend Sycamore is your first name.
So on with the jobs...
'Experience isn't essential, but it is guaranteed'
WJP Floyd are looking for a Junior Designer:
'This is your chance to learn the ropes with a medium-sized advertising agency...And you will do it all as part of a small, close-knit studio team.'
Dear Savannah
I spotted your advert in The Guardian Dated 29/09/07. I was really impressed with your tag line.
Your advert stated that this would be an opportunity for me to learn the ropes. I am really excited about this. I was in the Cubs as a young boy, but I never achieved my Knots Badge, as I was unable to pull off a Lanyard Hitch Knot. I look forward to learning this from you.
Secondly, I was impressed that you have a small close-knit studio team. I have recently taken up the fine art of knitting. It is a long story that I would quite happily expand on at interview, if required. It all started with a Granny from Switzerland knitting my mother in law a pair of socks for Christmas.
Anyway, I have no experience of Quark, Photoshop, or illustrator, but I would like to apply anyway (Mainly for the rope opportunities).
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
GE FABBRI Production Assistant APD 15/10/07.
'Xtaster is one of the UK's leading youth marketing companies operating at the vanguard of an evolving market place.'
I'm frightened already.
Dear Joy
Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 left me with a level of increased anxiety.
I would like to apply for your position; however I am 35 years old this year, and wondered whether this would rule me out?
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Harrow Children's Services; ethical no no.
Southend on Sea Borough Council, who would have thought that? Well, I could have been their ICT Group Manager or ICT Strategist/Business Business Partner for Children and Learning. Closing date 12/10/07.
Guess what?
I am about to turn the last page over, I have reached the end of page twenty seven.
Breathe in, hold, and out...
Come on,
I can do this...
Done.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Monday 28th January 2008
I arrived at work this morning and Josie came over from Solicitors' Enquiry Department.
When I originally bought the hand-knitted Swiss socks for Jean for Christmas, I had this idea of starting my own endeavour. I asked several people around the office whether they had a Granny that was prepared to knit me a pair of gloves. It was all pre-christmas hilarity, and everyone said, of course they would ask their respective Grannies to knit me a pair of gloves.
I have heard nothing since, until this morning.
As I say, Josie from SED (as we like to call it in the office) came over with a package in a waxed, brown paper bag. It was not just a pair of gloves, but three gloves!!!
How truly amazing?
I was actually brought to tears to think that Josie's Mum had been knitting these things for the last two months, because I had found this website about Swiss Grannies knitting socks, had gone into the office and asked people to ask their grannies to knit gloves, and it happened.
In the picture, you can see my feeble effort at trying to knit.
It is not easy.
And yet Josie's Mum (A Granny) has knitted me the most perfect gloves. They even fit me perfectly.
Thank you Josie's Mum.
Foxtons? Hmmm....
The Yorkshire Post are looking for a business editor.
Dear Peter
I have come across your advert in The Guardian dated 29/09/07 for the above position.
I have to admit, that I have never been to Leeds.
I do however feel that I have a link to the City, as I am a big fan of Martin Kelner.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
I feel like I am hitting the wall in a marathon. Come on Christine, help me out here please.
I arrived at work this morning and Josie came over from Solicitors' Enquiry Department.
When I originally bought the hand-knitted Swiss socks for Jean for Christmas, I had this idea of starting my own endeavour. I asked several people around the office whether they had a Granny that was prepared to knit me a pair of gloves. It was all pre-christmas hilarity, and everyone said, of course they would ask their respective Grannies to knit me a pair of gloves.
I have heard nothing since, until this morning.
As I say, Josie from SED (as we like to call it in the office) came over with a package in a waxed, brown paper bag. It was not just a pair of gloves, but three gloves!!!
How truly amazing?
I was actually brought to tears to think that Josie's Mum had been knitting these things for the last two months, because I had found this website about Swiss Grannies knitting socks, had gone into the office and asked people to ask their grannies to knit gloves, and it happened.
In the picture, you can see my feeble effort at trying to knit.
It is not easy.
And yet Josie's Mum (A Granny) has knitted me the most perfect gloves. They even fit me perfectly.
Thank you Josie's Mum.
Foxtons? Hmmm....
The Yorkshire Post are looking for a business editor.
Dear Peter
I have come across your advert in The Guardian dated 29/09/07 for the above position.
I have to admit, that I have never been to Leeds.
I do however feel that I have a link to the City, as I am a big fan of Martin Kelner.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
I feel like I am hitting the wall in a marathon. Come on Christine, help me out here please.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Saturday 26th January 2008
Some serious news.
The telly man came this morning to fix my telly in the dining room. Avid readers will have noticed that I sit in the dining room, smoking fags, whilst Nicky sits in the Lounge, in a smoke free haven. Well, for 8 years that has meant that I have to watch whatever is on the living room telly on the Sky channel (Sorry Jean, we did hide the dish behind the chimney so you didn't know we were giving money to Murdoch).
Well, he has given me a 'magic eye', which means that I can now control the Sky from the dining room.
It is brilliant!
Nicky went to bed this afternoon, while I sat there flicking through the interactive functions on the telly. There is NHS DIrect and everything. Alphabetically listed, there is every disease known to the science world. Molière's Malade Imaginaire would have had a field day.
For the last four years, I have been watching either BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 or Teacher's TV. Now I have a limitless world of pointless drivel.
It is brilliant.
You know when you are watching the bowls, and it is coming to a really exciting climax? They say, press the red button. I couldn't. But now I can. I can watch the climax of darts, snooker, I can see the weather whenever I like.
It is brilliant.
And my wireless internet is working properly. I am a fully modern human being, down with the kids. I can sit in the dining room; playing scrabble with Derek from Melbourne, whilst watching re-runs of the A-team. What a life!
I tried to write a bit of the blog down in the dining room, but it wasn't right. A bit like the Lez and Liz, Liz and Lez situation, as discussed earlier. Just not right.
Anyway, I am concerned about the current acronym debate that is going on between me and Manchester University. I have decided to bring in some outside help:
Dear Madam/Sir
I am a keen supporter of Liverpool Football Club.
I have attached a copy of recent correspondence with Manchester University regarding acronyms.
I would be grateful if you could provide us with your opinion on the LFC versus LFOC debate. Could LFOC work for you? I mean, it would involve changing all of your merchandise, and replacing most of the seats in The KOP, but as a concept?
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this matter.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Let's see if Liverpool Football Club has anything to add.
I thought that I had better not mention Havant and Waterlooville. They were 2-1 up at one stage.
On the subject of Liverpool v Havant, they had Jan Molby on the radio as co-commentator. Now, if ever there is someone to look up to when it comes to language skills, he is your man. He is completely fluent in scouse, without a trace of Danish. I will quote wikipedia:
'Jan Mølby (born July 4, 1963 in Kolding) is a former Danish professional football player who spent much of his football career at English club Liverpool, even acquiring something of a Scouse accent in the process.'
Something of a scouse accent?
On with the jobs.
JLA: Leading Speaker Bureau/Entertainment Agency in Central London seeks
Agent
Dear Penny
Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 was fantastic.
You are looking for an agent.
I looked up the word agent in my Griffin Savers Oxford Dictionary (Oxford University Press 1984:page 12):
‘Agent n 1. a person who does something or instigates some activity, he is a mere instrument not an agent.’
I have, by sending this e-mail.
Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Dear Madam/Sir
I noticed your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling that I had just skipped a stone seven times on the sea.
You mentioned that experienced registrars need only apply.
Sorry, but I am not an experienced registrar, but would like to apply anyway.
Please find attached my CV.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The telly in the dining room is brilliant.
Some serious news.
The telly man came this morning to fix my telly in the dining room. Avid readers will have noticed that I sit in the dining room, smoking fags, whilst Nicky sits in the Lounge, in a smoke free haven. Well, for 8 years that has meant that I have to watch whatever is on the living room telly on the Sky channel (Sorry Jean, we did hide the dish behind the chimney so you didn't know we were giving money to Murdoch).
Well, he has given me a 'magic eye', which means that I can now control the Sky from the dining room.
It is brilliant!
Nicky went to bed this afternoon, while I sat there flicking through the interactive functions on the telly. There is NHS DIrect and everything. Alphabetically listed, there is every disease known to the science world. Molière's Malade Imaginaire would have had a field day.
For the last four years, I have been watching either BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 or Teacher's TV. Now I have a limitless world of pointless drivel.
It is brilliant.
You know when you are watching the bowls, and it is coming to a really exciting climax? They say, press the red button. I couldn't. But now I can. I can watch the climax of darts, snooker, I can see the weather whenever I like.
It is brilliant.
And my wireless internet is working properly. I am a fully modern human being, down with the kids. I can sit in the dining room; playing scrabble with Derek from Melbourne, whilst watching re-runs of the A-team. What a life!
I tried to write a bit of the blog down in the dining room, but it wasn't right. A bit like the Lez and Liz, Liz and Lez situation, as discussed earlier. Just not right.
Anyway, I am concerned about the current acronym debate that is going on between me and Manchester University. I have decided to bring in some outside help:
Dear Madam/Sir
I am a keen supporter of Liverpool Football Club.
I have attached a copy of recent correspondence with Manchester University regarding acronyms.
I would be grateful if you could provide us with your opinion on the LFC versus LFOC debate. Could LFOC work for you? I mean, it would involve changing all of your merchandise, and replacing most of the seats in The KOP, but as a concept?
I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this matter.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Let's see if Liverpool Football Club has anything to add.
I thought that I had better not mention Havant and Waterlooville. They were 2-1 up at one stage.
On the subject of Liverpool v Havant, they had Jan Molby on the radio as co-commentator. Now, if ever there is someone to look up to when it comes to language skills, he is your man. He is completely fluent in scouse, without a trace of Danish. I will quote wikipedia:
'Jan Mølby (born July 4, 1963 in Kolding) is a former Danish professional football player who spent much of his football career at English club Liverpool, even acquiring something of a Scouse accent in the process.'
Something of a scouse accent?
On with the jobs.
JLA: Leading Speaker Bureau/Entertainment Agency in Central London seeks
Agent
Dear Penny
Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 was fantastic.
You are looking for an agent.
I looked up the word agent in my Griffin Savers Oxford Dictionary (Oxford University Press 1984:page 12):
‘Agent n 1. a person who does something or instigates some activity, he is a mere instrument not an agent.’
I have, by sending this e-mail.
Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Dear Madam/Sir
I noticed your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling that I had just skipped a stone seven times on the sea.
You mentioned that experienced registrars need only apply.
Sorry, but I am not an experienced registrar, but would like to apply anyway.
Please find attached my CV.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The telly in the dining room is brilliant.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Friday 25th January 2008
The people from MIMAS have written back to me:
Dear Ian
The letters stand for Manchester Information & Associated Services. The word ‘and’ is very rarely included in acronyms such as this, and in this case I think they would simply have wanted to make the acronym easy to pronounce.
Best regards
Adam West
Central HR Admin Assistant
P
Help the planet to chill out - don't print this unless strictly necessary
Dear Adam
Thank you for your e-mail.
I agree the word ‘and’ is very rarely included in an acronym. Also, not generally included in an acronym is a letter in the middle of a word.
If we allow letters in the middle of words to form part of the acronym, then:
Liverpool Football Club
or
LFC
Could become
LFOC
Liverpool Football Club.
LFOC is much easier to pronounce than LFC.
I look forward to your thoughts on this matter.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The people from MIMAS have written back to me:
Dear Ian
The letters stand for Manchester Information & Associated Services. The word ‘and’ is very rarely included in acronyms such as this, and in this case I think they would simply have wanted to make the acronym easy to pronounce.
Best regards
Adam West
Central HR Admin Assistant
P
Help the planet to chill out - don't print this unless strictly necessary
Dear Adam
Thank you for your e-mail.
I agree the word ‘and’ is very rarely included in an acronym. Also, not generally included in an acronym is a letter in the middle of a word.
If we allow letters in the middle of words to form part of the acronym, then:
Liverpool Football Club
or
LFC
Could become
LFOC
Liverpool Football Club.
LFOC is much easier to pronounce than LFC.
I look forward to your thoughts on this matter.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
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