Guardianwork

Tuesday 13th November 2007

Applications: 72 Rejections: 4 Replies: 20 (19 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1


I was once told by one of my lecturers at university to think about global inequality. If you want to see how unequal the world is, get a map of the world, and turn it upside down. Good advice I reckon.

Anyway, Dow Jones wrote back to me:

Dear Mr Carpenter,

thank you very much for your interest in Dow Jones and your application with us. I'm currently looking at all incoming applications for the Chemicals/Pharma and Banking positions in Frankfurt, and I will get back to you in due course if I need more information about your application.

In the meantime, should you have any enquiries about these two positions, please feel free to send me a mail about it.

Best regards,

Klaus Brune

This is the spirit. I'll forgive Klaus for missing the capital t at the start of his e-mail. I can see a trip to Frankfurt in the offing. If only to take a stupid photograph with me in the foyer of a swanky building. Excitement all round.

Foxtons.

We have all seen these people driving about in those Mini Coopers. I really do not want to work for these people. However, given my background in the mortgage and property business, it is probably inevitable that they would want to interview me. I will have to try really hard not to get this job.

No e-mail option. I have to call them. It is 10 p.m. I don't think even the hard working go-getters will be there now. I will have to call them during the day. They have a picture of someone kite-surfing in their advert.

'Opening soon: Dulwich & Woking'

Do they do a lot of kite surfing in Woking?

The Overseas Development Institute wants a Head of Communications. Charity.

VPS Consultancy, see above.

Media PA.

'The ideal candidate will have varied media experience, be highly organised and used to working to deadlines.

An ability to speak french is desirable.'

Perfect.

Dear Alan

I read with incredulity your advertisement for a job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I am honest, trustworthy and discreet. My mother once bought a cindy doll for my sister for Christmas, which I found in the cupboard at the start of December. I did not let on once to my sister!

I can also speak French.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Director of fundraising, charity number 1067412.

END OF PAGE 13!

They have discovered another case of bird flu today. H5N1, what sort of name is that for a disease? No clue whatsoever what that one does. Who did name blue-tongue disease? We need them to help out here.

I should imagine that if you were a bird, and you had flu, it would be quite hard to fly. It is hard enough to sneeze sitting down at a computer. You close your eyes, and do that silly half breathing in thing for at least ten seconds. Imagine if you were flying! There must be some potential for banging into a tree or a lamp post.

Very precarious.