Guardianwork

Monday 17th December 2007

'There are peacocks in the trees.'

I sent this text message to my Mum and Dad, when I arrived at the hotel on Friday night.

There really were peacocks in the trees.

We had headed down to a lovely hotel in Climping, West Sussex. As we pulled up to the reception, there was a sign that said;

'Please be aware that peacocks roost in the trees, and may crap on your car.'

Or words to that effect.

Can you imagine peacock pooh? How iridescent can it be?

Mr Peacock: I'm going to the loo, won't be long.

Mrs Peacock: Make sure you flush the chain, the last time you went, the Council were on to us for light pollution.

Anyway, it was a great weekend break, and my car did not get peacock-poohed.

It is always fantastic to go away for a weekend. I am a big fan of the A27, as it meanders through the hills of West Sussex. It is like a full size Scalextric set. Anyone that has driven from Brighton to Bognor will know what I mean.

We turned up at the Hotel on Friday night. It really was idyllic. Literally, in the middle of nowhere. Log fires, four poster beds, the whole works. The oddest thing happened; I was outside having a cigarette after our meal, and one of the people that were on my course at the LSE turned up! I haven't spoken to anyone since leaving two years ago, and yet we both happened to be in the same random hotel, in the middle of nowhere.

Very peculiar.

Also, I saw the most spectacular drunken fall that I have seen in a while, with some poor man that had been at a wedding all day. He found it particularly difficult to negotiate the right hand turn in the path. Flat out, face down.

I'm sorry, but I had to burst out laughing.

I congratulated him on his fall, and asked if he needed a hand, but he did that Billy Connolly, I'm alright nonsense before staggering to his room.

I also took a few pictures of the room. You will see from the first picture that we had our breakfast delivered to the room on Saturday. They delivered us two eggs, one was enormous and the other was tiny. How ridiculous?

The second picture has, I am sorry to say, another orb in it. Will the Barrynormal ever leave me alone?

Anyway, renewed excitement today. I received my first letter! Everything up until now has been by e-mail. This is my first really tangible thing that has been created by my little project. (Well, if you ignore the various origami sculptures that have been coming my way recently). It was from Audley travel. Again, not wishing to get all PG Wodehouse, but I applied to them on the 1st December with:

Dear Madam/Sir

I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. I was mesmerised by the image of the mill from which you work.

I am a country specialist. I was born in the Forest of Dean, and that really is in the country.

I used to play army with a friend of mine, called Paul Watkins in the ferns.

It was all good fun.

Anyway, I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

And they respond with:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your interest in Working for Audley Travel and for taking the time to forward your details to us.

We have read through your CV in detail and whilst some of your skills and experience are relevant, they do not quite match those we currently require for the business at this time. Therefore, we will not be processing your application further.

Ian, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you again for your interest in Audley Travel and I wish you every success in your future career.

Yours sincerely

Human Resources Co-ordinator
Audley Travel Ltd

Hmm...

Fabio Capello gave his first Press Conference today, which was a bit of an anglo-italian farce. The FA would not have had any of the linguistic problems if they had appointed me to this position.

The Government have lost a further 3 million people's personal details from the DVLA today. Add that to the 25 million previously lost, and they really are up to almost half of the UK population. The thing is I am relatively secure, well apart from giving my own personal details to that money laundering scam that is. No, I am not claiming Working Family Tax Credits, and I have not sat my driving test in the past three years, so my personal data with the Government is safe.