Saturday 20th October 2007
This morning I woke up with tonsils swollen due to too much snoring, due to that bottle of merlot in the restaurant, the food of which I can smell on my fingers, with a dull ache in my forehead disease.
My parents live in the Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire. According to Google maps, a distance of 185 miles or 3 hours 31 minutes distance. They run the traditional rural shop, where people put a paper order in for the whole week, and Mrs Jones has a bloomer on Thursday; you get the idea. I don't see them very often due to the distance between us, we are the archetypal non-nuclear family.
Anyway it is my mum's birthday next week, so it has been decided that she should come down for a weekend visit, to celebrate the passing of another year. My dad drove my mum and a close family friend Phyllis down, and they arrived at around 1 pm yesterday. I had taken the afternoon off. I called them to see where they were, and to ask them not to turn up until I had done the washing up from the previous night's Chinese takeaway. My dad was not staying for the weekend; he was literally dropping my mum and Phyllis off, before returning to the shop, as he could not get anyone to look after it for the weekend. A journey of 370 miles, and a carbon wellington bootprint. Before you ask, yes my mum can drive, and no, I do not know why she did not drive herself.
Anyway, we went to a bar on Southend Seafront for the afternoon. It was one of those great autumnal afternoons, where you get crisp, shiny sunshine. We then booked my mum and Phyllis into a local hotel. In case you think I am not hospitable, I do not have a spare bedroom. I turned it into a study when I went back to university. We unloaded the car, and it was then I discovered that they had brought their own toaster, bread, and margarine, which they arranged neatly on the sideboard of their shared twin room. I think they must be concerned that we may not have learned how to toast bread here in Essex.
Anyway, after dad had left, and Nicky had returned from work, we went for a meal in the restaurant, the food of which I could smell on my fingers this morning.
All of this excitement has meant that I did not do any work on my little project yesterday. I think the Guardian Job Gods can sense that I did not do any work yesterday, as I have not received any e-mails at all. All this is a bit of a bonus as it means that I can crack on with applying for the jobs.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Thursday 18th October 2007
Applications: 46 Rejections: 1 Replies: 13 (12 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
Dear Ian,
BES Policy Officer Vacancy
Thank you for taking the time to apply for the Policy Officer position at the British Ecological Society. The BES received a large number of applications for this position from qualified individuals.
The selection panel has decided not to short list you for an interview on this occasion, as there were candidates who better met our key requirements.
The decision was arrived at by assessing how the candidates met the advertised job specifications.
I wish you the best of luck in your career development.
Kindest regards
Hannah
Clerical Officer, British Ecological Society
I applied for this position on the 11th October, and I was slightly late in applying. If you remember (If you can't, check on the blog), the vacancy had closed at noon and I applied late in the evening. I think that they had appointed someone that afternoon. Hannah also sends her kindest regards, so she seems like a friendly person.
Dear Hannah
Thank you for your e-mail. I am obviously disappointed. Not as disappointed as I was when I found out that the Elgin Marbles were not actually marbles like the ones you played with at school!
Could you just tell me, was it because I missed the deadline of noon? Did you make your decision that afternoon?
Thank you for your best wishes in my future career development. I am currently applying for quite a number of jobs, and I am sure one will lead somewhere interesting.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
I also received this from my Arch Nemesis, the NHS:
Dear Ian
Thank you for your interest in this post.
All applicants must complete our standard application form, either online or by submitting a paper copy. We cannot accept CVs.
I have tried to call you at home but there is no answer and I could not see a mobile number on your CV or email. Please contact me if you receive my email this morning and we can arrange for your to complete our standard application form. However, I am afraid this post closed at midnight last night and we must get the final applications on our system this morning. I therefore could not accept an application from you after midday today.
Kind regards,
Sarah Barnett
Project Co-ordinator
Blimey, how hard is it to get a job at the NHS?!? Firstly, they have more typos that The Guardian itself. In my first application to them, they spelt application, appliction, and now:
'and we can arrange for your to complete our standard application form'!
Who is your? Is this someone that works in their offices transcribing application forms? Imagine a conversation in the NHS office:
Sarah Barnett: Hello, your, we have someone here that has sent a CV, but does not want to fill in an application form on line. Can you fill the form out for him?
your: Yes, no problem at all.
Well maybe not.
Dear Sarah
Thank you for your e-mail.
Sadly, it looks as if I have missed the boat on this occasion.
Thank you for trying to call me today and you are right, I was not at home, as I was working in my office in Basildon.
As you will recall from my original e-mail, I do not trust the online application process; I was rejected within five minutes on a Sunday morning!
I hope that today was not too manic for you, what with having to get all those applications on by noon. You can get that repetitive strain injury from too much typing you know!
Anyway, it was nice to hear from you, and should you not find a suitable candidate, would you please e-mail me and perhaps I could fill in an application form.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Administration over, here are the next jobs.
'Do you want an international career?'
Erm, not really. Unless, of course Patrick Meiier, the Swiss Banker, who wanted to meet whisky, wants to go for a beer next weekend.
'If you would like the challenge of working for a vibrant international company, then polish your CV and apply directly to job.london@meltwaternews.com.'
Ok, here goes:
Dear Madam/Sir
I saw your advertisement for the above position advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
You have requested that I polish my CV, and why not? We are all one Europe now!
Unfortunately, my computer skills are not such that I could fit a flag of Poland on my CV. I have therefore attached a picture of the Polish flag in my e-mail. I hope that this counts.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Applications: 46 Rejections: 1 Replies: 13 (12 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
Dear Ian,
BES Policy Officer Vacancy
Thank you for taking the time to apply for the Policy Officer position at the British Ecological Society. The BES received a large number of applications for this position from qualified individuals.
The selection panel has decided not to short list you for an interview on this occasion, as there were candidates who better met our key requirements.
The decision was arrived at by assessing how the candidates met the advertised job specifications.
I wish you the best of luck in your career development.
Kindest regards
Hannah
Clerical Officer, British Ecological Society
I applied for this position on the 11th October, and I was slightly late in applying. If you remember (If you can't, check on the blog), the vacancy had closed at noon and I applied late in the evening. I think that they had appointed someone that afternoon. Hannah also sends her kindest regards, so she seems like a friendly person.
Dear Hannah
Thank you for your e-mail. I am obviously disappointed. Not as disappointed as I was when I found out that the Elgin Marbles were not actually marbles like the ones you played with at school!
Could you just tell me, was it because I missed the deadline of noon? Did you make your decision that afternoon?
Thank you for your best wishes in my future career development. I am currently applying for quite a number of jobs, and I am sure one will lead somewhere interesting.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
I also received this from my Arch Nemesis, the NHS:
Dear Ian
Thank you for your interest in this post.
All applicants must complete our standard application form, either online or by submitting a paper copy. We cannot accept CVs.
I have tried to call you at home but there is no answer and I could not see a mobile number on your CV or email. Please contact me if you receive my email this morning and we can arrange for your to complete our standard application form. However, I am afraid this post closed at midnight last night and we must get the final applications on our system this morning. I therefore could not accept an application from you after midday today.
Kind regards,
Sarah Barnett
Project Co-ordinator
Blimey, how hard is it to get a job at the NHS?!? Firstly, they have more typos that The Guardian itself. In my first application to them, they spelt application, appliction, and now:
'and we can arrange for your to complete our standard application form'!
Who is your? Is this someone that works in their offices transcribing application forms? Imagine a conversation in the NHS office:
Sarah Barnett: Hello, your, we have someone here that has sent a CV, but does not want to fill in an application form on line. Can you fill the form out for him?
your: Yes, no problem at all.
Well maybe not.
Dear Sarah
Thank you for your e-mail.
Sadly, it looks as if I have missed the boat on this occasion.
Thank you for trying to call me today and you are right, I was not at home, as I was working in my office in Basildon.
As you will recall from my original e-mail, I do not trust the online application process; I was rejected within five minutes on a Sunday morning!
I hope that today was not too manic for you, what with having to get all those applications on by noon. You can get that repetitive strain injury from too much typing you know!
Anyway, it was nice to hear from you, and should you not find a suitable candidate, would you please e-mail me and perhaps I could fill in an application form.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Administration over, here are the next jobs.
'Do you want an international career?'
Erm, not really. Unless, of course Patrick Meiier, the Swiss Banker, who wanted to meet whisky, wants to go for a beer next weekend.
'If you would like the challenge of working for a vibrant international company, then polish your CV and apply directly to job.london@meltwaternews.com.'
Ok, here goes:
Dear Madam/Sir
I saw your advertisement for the above position advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
You have requested that I polish my CV, and why not? We are all one Europe now!
Unfortunately, my computer skills are not such that I could fit a flag of Poland on my CV. I have therefore attached a picture of the Polish flag in my e-mail. I hope that this counts.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Wednesday 17th October 2007
Applications: 46 Rejections: 1 Replies: 11 (10 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
My car has got one of those on board computer things that can measure your fuel consumption over a given journey, or your average speed. I set it to zero on the way into work today to see how fast I travel on the A127: an average of 14 mph. Well done the South East.
No response from the Liberal Democrats today (They must have a lot on their mind). Still no response from my voice mail message to tenuk.
So on to the next job...
Oh no, it's the NHS again!!! I have already been rejected by their computer once (September 30th), can it happen again? I don't hold out much hope. They want a Director of Human Resources.
Phew closing date 17th October.
Again, they are directing me to a website. See above, the computer says, "no" to me on these things, so there is an e-mail address.
Dear Lynne
I am writing following your recent advertisement for Director of Human Resources.
I was relieved to see that the closing date was today, and I have just managed to apply on time.
Your advertisement directed me towards your website www.jobs.nhs.uk. I would not like to apply for your position through this route. I recently applied to the NHS on the 30th September for a Gateway to Leadership Programme. I was declined by your automated screening service, before a human being got to look at my application!
So therefore, I would like to apply in the (new fashioned) old fashioned way, by attaching my CV for your perusal.
Should you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
END OF THIRD PAGE!!!!
Well apart from an advert for guardianjobs.co.uk, and I am already registered. It is odd though, that I have not had an e-mail from them in two months, but today I received an e-mail for a job. Are they trying to challenge me?
Page four looks as inviting as page three.
Pilgrims are looking for:
Operations Manager (Operational Consultancy)
Operations Manager (Consultancy) [Anybody got any idea what the difference is?]
Training Manager
'Pilgrims is one of the UK's leading security risk management companies, providing a range of specialist consultancy, operational and information services to a significant blue chip client base around the globe.'
Well done you.
They must be specialists if they have to differentiate between Operational Consultancy and Consultancy.
No closing date, just send a CV.
Dear Madam/Sir
I am writing following you three job advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/9/07.
The Operations Manager (Operational Consultancy) role appeals to me. It asks for experience of working in hostile environments and within a commercial organisation.
I often work in hostile environments. For example, I was washing up this evening while my two cats (Hippy and Lenny) were fighting over the Iams.
The Operations Manager (Consultancy) role also appeals to me. I have to be honest, I was a bit unsure about the need to undertake impact analysis. Does this hurt? Are we provided with protective equipment?
Of all your three positions, Training Manager seems about the most suited to me.
I have attached my CV for your perusal.
Should you have any further queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Applications: 46 Rejections: 1 Replies: 11 (10 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
My car has got one of those on board computer things that can measure your fuel consumption over a given journey, or your average speed. I set it to zero on the way into work today to see how fast I travel on the A127: an average of 14 mph. Well done the South East.
No response from the Liberal Democrats today (They must have a lot on their mind). Still no response from my voice mail message to tenuk.
So on to the next job...
Oh no, it's the NHS again!!! I have already been rejected by their computer once (September 30th), can it happen again? I don't hold out much hope. They want a Director of Human Resources.
Phew closing date 17th October.
Again, they are directing me to a website. See above, the computer says, "no" to me on these things, so there is an e-mail address.
Dear Lynne
I am writing following your recent advertisement for Director of Human Resources.
I was relieved to see that the closing date was today, and I have just managed to apply on time.
Your advertisement directed me towards your website www.jobs.nhs.uk. I would not like to apply for your position through this route. I recently applied to the NHS on the 30th September for a Gateway to Leadership Programme. I was declined by your automated screening service, before a human being got to look at my application!
So therefore, I would like to apply in the (new fashioned) old fashioned way, by attaching my CV for your perusal.
Should you have any queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
END OF THIRD PAGE!!!!
Well apart from an advert for guardianjobs.co.uk, and I am already registered. It is odd though, that I have not had an e-mail from them in two months, but today I received an e-mail for a job. Are they trying to challenge me?
Page four looks as inviting as page three.
Pilgrims are looking for:
Operations Manager (Operational Consultancy)
Operations Manager (Consultancy) [Anybody got any idea what the difference is?]
Training Manager
'Pilgrims is one of the UK's leading security risk management companies, providing a range of specialist consultancy, operational and information services to a significant blue chip client base around the globe.'
Well done you.
They must be specialists if they have to differentiate between Operational Consultancy and Consultancy.
No closing date, just send a CV.
Dear Madam/Sir
I am writing following you three job advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/9/07.
The Operations Manager (Operational Consultancy) role appeals to me. It asks for experience of working in hostile environments and within a commercial organisation.
I often work in hostile environments. For example, I was washing up this evening while my two cats (Hippy and Lenny) were fighting over the Iams.
The Operations Manager (Consultancy) role also appeals to me. I have to be honest, I was a bit unsure about the need to undertake impact analysis. Does this hurt? Are we provided with protective equipment?
Of all your three positions, Training Manager seems about the most suited to me.
I have attached my CV for your perusal.
Should you have any further queries, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Tuesday 16th October 2007
Applications: 42 Rejections: 1 Replies: 11 (10 if you count human) + Bonus Job!
Dear Mr Carpenter,
Thank you for showing an interest in applying to HCCT. All the information regarding the recruitment as well as an outline of our services etc. can be found on our website: www.hcct.org.uk, if you have any further questions please do not hesitate contacting me or applying through recruitment e-mail address. I appologise for a delay in getting back to you, it was due to the technical problems that we ahve been experiencing with our e-mails.
Yours Sincerely
Orkhan Ahmadov
Orkhan AhmadovAdmin/Finance Officer
As explained above, I will not be taking this application further. This is a well meaning charity and I can not waste any of their time. They have been experiencing problems with their e-mails, and I recommend that anyone who feels the need, can contribute towards their fund. Visit http://www.hcct.org.uk. Their e-mail problems are bad, it has caused them to misspell appolgise and ahve. Please donate generously.
So that was today's administration out of the way.
I had a conversation with one of my contractors at work today. I was explaining to him about my little project, and that I was applying for all of these jobs. In passing, he mentioned that there was one vacancy that had come up since yesterday. THE LEADER OF THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS!
Ok, ok, I know that this job has not technically been advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. However, could I really resist this challenge? Sir Menzies Campbell had resigned and there was a vacancy.
I could have this one as a bonus job. A little extra. A bit like having cream on ice cream.
NEWS
Resignation letter by Sir Menzies Campbell
15 October 2007
Please find below the full text of Sir Menzies Campbell’s letter of resignation as Leader of the Liberal Democrats:
The PresidentThe Liberal Democrats
15th October 2007
When I was elected Leader of the Party in March 2006 I had three objectives. First, to restore stability and purpose in the party following my predecessor’s resignation and the leadership campaign itself, second to make the internal operations of the party more professional, and third to prepare the party for a General Election. With the help of others, I believe that I have fulfilled these objectives, although I am convinced that the internal structures of the party need radical revision if we are to compete effectively against Labour and the Conservatives.
But it has become clear that following the Prime Minister’s decision not to hold an election, questions about leadership are getting in the way of further progress by the party.
Accordingly I now submit my resignation as Leader with immediate effect.
I do not intend to hold a press conference or to make any further comment.
Yours sincerely,
Menzies CampbellLeader, Liberal Democrats
Short, succint, I think he is probably an honourable chap.
There are no direct links to any vacancies on the Liberal Democrats' Site: http://www.libdems.org.uk/. However there are several links instructing you how to update your blog to provide a link to their site. I will look in to this over the weekend.
There is a contact us e-mail address though...
Dear Madam/Sir
I have noticed from reading articles in the newspapers, watching the television, and listening to the radio, that you currently have a vacancy for the Leader of your organisation.
I would like to apply for the position.
I am not a member of your party, but I don’t think this should not come between us.
I have seen representatives from your party on the television, and they all seem like fairly nice people. I would really like to work with them.
I understand from the articles in the press that it is a two horse race between Nick Clegg and Duncan Huhne. This would be really boring, so I would like to throw my hat into the ring.
I was listening to an article on BBC radio Five Live Drive on my way home from work this evening. Messrs Clegg and Huhne were both on. It seems that the main thread in your thinking at the moment is redistribution of wealth, and social mobility. I would like to deal with each of these issues in order:
Redistribution of wealth.
I really believe that this is an important area for the party to be moving in. I am not calling myself wealthy, but I do have three bank accounts. I regularly have to redistribute wealth between these accounts. I use all facilities of the bank. I sometimes call into my local branch. I also telephone them, and even use the internet to transfer funds between my accounts. Did you know that you can even do it via the television?
Social Mobility
Again, this is a most important area for you to be looking at. I would like to socially move from being a Property Manager in Basildon, to being Leader of your party. What better a demonstration of your commitment to Social Mobility?
I will not go into any comment on ageism at this current time, as it is probably a sensitive subject in your organisation.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I would welcome a reply at your earliest convenience.
Could you please explain the job application process in more detail?
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
So all of that excitement has meant that I have not applied to any more jobs in the Guardian today. I have still not heard back from tenuk: No wonder they need an operations manager, I left my message yesterday and still no reply!!! And Patrick Meiier has not responded to my invitation for a beer in Geneva next weekend (Perhaps he really did want to meet Whisky).
Applications: 42 Rejections: 1 Replies: 11 (10 if you count human) + Bonus Job!
Dear Mr Carpenter,
Thank you for showing an interest in applying to HCCT. All the information regarding the recruitment as well as an outline of our services etc. can be found on our website: www.hcct.org.uk, if you have any further questions please do not hesitate contacting me or applying through recruitment e-mail address. I appologise for a delay in getting back to you, it was due to the technical problems that we ahve been experiencing with our e-mails.
Yours Sincerely
Orkhan Ahmadov
Orkhan AhmadovAdmin/Finance Officer
As explained above, I will not be taking this application further. This is a well meaning charity and I can not waste any of their time. They have been experiencing problems with their e-mails, and I recommend that anyone who feels the need, can contribute towards their fund. Visit http://www.hcct.org.uk. Their e-mail problems are bad, it has caused them to misspell appolgise and ahve. Please donate generously.
So that was today's administration out of the way.
I had a conversation with one of my contractors at work today. I was explaining to him about my little project, and that I was applying for all of these jobs. In passing, he mentioned that there was one vacancy that had come up since yesterday. THE LEADER OF THE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS!
Ok, ok, I know that this job has not technically been advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. However, could I really resist this challenge? Sir Menzies Campbell had resigned and there was a vacancy.
I could have this one as a bonus job. A little extra. A bit like having cream on ice cream.
NEWS
Resignation letter by Sir Menzies Campbell
15 October 2007
Please find below the full text of Sir Menzies Campbell’s letter of resignation as Leader of the Liberal Democrats:
The PresidentThe Liberal Democrats
15th October 2007
When I was elected Leader of the Party in March 2006 I had three objectives. First, to restore stability and purpose in the party following my predecessor’s resignation and the leadership campaign itself, second to make the internal operations of the party more professional, and third to prepare the party for a General Election. With the help of others, I believe that I have fulfilled these objectives, although I am convinced that the internal structures of the party need radical revision if we are to compete effectively against Labour and the Conservatives.
But it has become clear that following the Prime Minister’s decision not to hold an election, questions about leadership are getting in the way of further progress by the party.
Accordingly I now submit my resignation as Leader with immediate effect.
I do not intend to hold a press conference or to make any further comment.
Yours sincerely,
Menzies CampbellLeader, Liberal Democrats
Short, succint, I think he is probably an honourable chap.
There are no direct links to any vacancies on the Liberal Democrats' Site: http://www.libdems.org.uk/. However there are several links instructing you how to update your blog to provide a link to their site. I will look in to this over the weekend.
There is a contact us e-mail address though...
Dear Madam/Sir
I have noticed from reading articles in the newspapers, watching the television, and listening to the radio, that you currently have a vacancy for the Leader of your organisation.
I would like to apply for the position.
I am not a member of your party, but I don’t think this should not come between us.
I have seen representatives from your party on the television, and they all seem like fairly nice people. I would really like to work with them.
I understand from the articles in the press that it is a two horse race between Nick Clegg and Duncan Huhne. This would be really boring, so I would like to throw my hat into the ring.
I was listening to an article on BBC radio Five Live Drive on my way home from work this evening. Messrs Clegg and Huhne were both on. It seems that the main thread in your thinking at the moment is redistribution of wealth, and social mobility. I would like to deal with each of these issues in order:
Redistribution of wealth.
I really believe that this is an important area for the party to be moving in. I am not calling myself wealthy, but I do have three bank accounts. I regularly have to redistribute wealth between these accounts. I use all facilities of the bank. I sometimes call into my local branch. I also telephone them, and even use the internet to transfer funds between my accounts. Did you know that you can even do it via the television?
Social Mobility
Again, this is a most important area for you to be looking at. I would like to socially move from being a Property Manager in Basildon, to being Leader of your party. What better a demonstration of your commitment to Social Mobility?
I will not go into any comment on ageism at this current time, as it is probably a sensitive subject in your organisation.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I would welcome a reply at your earliest convenience.
Could you please explain the job application process in more detail?
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
So all of that excitement has meant that I have not applied to any more jobs in the Guardian today. I have still not heard back from tenuk: No wonder they need an operations manager, I left my message yesterday and still no reply!!! And Patrick Meiier has not responded to my invitation for a beer in Geneva next weekend (Perhaps he really did want to meet Whisky).
Monday, October 15, 2007
Monday 15th October 2007
Applications: 42 Rejections: 1 Replies: 9 (8 if you count human)
I was really excited this morning. Until this point, the whole enterprise has been rather anonymous. Sending the initial e-mail, receiving a response, I could hide behind the computer. Today was going to be my first human vocal interaction! I had to call Lesley-Anne from tenuk, as she wanted to discuss my application further.
I was actually quite nervous about the whole affair. Admittedly, I did not actually want their job, but I got the same feelings of nervousness when you are applying for a job normally. I was going to do it at lunch time. It would have helped if I had remembered to bring the telephone number into work with me. So after driving home to get the number from the answer machine at lunch time, I psyched myself up to take the plunge.
Breathe in for five, and out for seven...
Voicemail.
Apparently Lesley is in the office, but she has lots of projects on today, so she will return my call when she is available.
I did not hear back from her today, but look forward to discussing my application with her tomorrow.
Anyway, The Manchester Jobs:
Dear Kirsty
Can I sell Manchester?
Yes I can!!!
Please find attached my CV for your perusal.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
This is becoming a habit now, and I think that it may be costing me job interviews.
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL!!!
They are looking for people who work in:
RIGGING
AUTOMATION
STAGE CARPENTRY
ELECTRICS
In Macau in Asia! How fantastic? They offer a full 18 days paid time off a year, and the interviews are taking place in New York and London (I hope they pay the travel expenses though).
Dear Madam/sir
I read with a considerable amount of interest that you are looking for rigging, automation, stage carpentry, and electrics for your Venetian resort in Macau.
I can not pretend to have any experience in these areas, but I would like to apply for the positions anyway. After all, Carpenter by name, carpenter by nature!!!
Please find attached my CV for your perusal.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Anyway, the chain smoking spider is back tonight. Note to self: I will need to check the pink recycling bags to see if the council will accept tiny empty spider medicine bottles, and their packaging; she must be storing them down the back of the picture rail somewhere.
Applications: 42 Rejections: 1 Replies: 9 (8 if you count human)
I was really excited this morning. Until this point, the whole enterprise has been rather anonymous. Sending the initial e-mail, receiving a response, I could hide behind the computer. Today was going to be my first human vocal interaction! I had to call Lesley-Anne from tenuk, as she wanted to discuss my application further.
I was actually quite nervous about the whole affair. Admittedly, I did not actually want their job, but I got the same feelings of nervousness when you are applying for a job normally. I was going to do it at lunch time. It would have helped if I had remembered to bring the telephone number into work with me. So after driving home to get the number from the answer machine at lunch time, I psyched myself up to take the plunge.
Breathe in for five, and out for seven...
Voicemail.
Apparently Lesley is in the office, but she has lots of projects on today, so she will return my call when she is available.
I did not hear back from her today, but look forward to discussing my application with her tomorrow.
Anyway, The Manchester Jobs:
Dear Kirsty
Can I sell Manchester?
Yes I can!!!
Please find attached my CV for your perusal.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
This is becoming a habit now, and I think that it may be costing me job interviews.
CIRQUE DU SOLEIL!!!
They are looking for people who work in:
RIGGING
AUTOMATION
STAGE CARPENTRY
ELECTRICS
In Macau in Asia! How fantastic? They offer a full 18 days paid time off a year, and the interviews are taking place in New York and London (I hope they pay the travel expenses though).
Dear Madam/sir
I read with a considerable amount of interest that you are looking for rigging, automation, stage carpentry, and electrics for your Venetian resort in Macau.
I can not pretend to have any experience in these areas, but I would like to apply for the positions anyway. After all, Carpenter by name, carpenter by nature!!!
Please find attached my CV for your perusal.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Anyway, the chain smoking spider is back tonight. Note to self: I will need to check the pink recycling bags to see if the council will accept tiny empty spider medicine bottles, and their packaging; she must be storing them down the back of the picture rail somewhere.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Sunday 14th October 2007
I woke up this morning with blue lip disease.
Don't panic, dear reader, this was due to the fact that I celebrated a fantastic victory for the England rugby team over France in the world cup semi final with a bottle of Des Trois Seigneurs, vin de pays L'aude. That is ironic, Alanis Morissette. England 14- France 9, and what a game? I wondered how many times I would need to go around the M25 to get such a score in The Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart game.
The landline telephone in my house is in the lounge. As discussed earlier, I smoke, and I therefore spend the majority of my time at home in the dining room (with my spider benylin friend). I rarely go into the lounge. This means that I check the answerphone messages about once a month. This is not good for urgent matters, I agree, and I apologise to any friends who have yet to receive a returned call.
However yesterday I heard the dulcet tones of Lesley-Anne Ryan from tenuk! She would like me to call her to discuss my application further. Are these people mad?!? I applied to them on the 9th October with:
Dear ten
I would love to be part of your revolution!
Please find attached my Curriculum Vitae.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
And they want to discuss me being their Marketing Operations Manager? Well I will have to call them tomorrow at lunch time. I am slightly nervous about this, and I do not know what I am going to say, but we will see what happens. I see it going a bit like this:
Lesley-Anne: Hello tenuk, Lesley Speaking, how may I help you?
Me: Hello, I am just returning your voice mail message, my name is Ian Carpenter, and I have applied for your jobs advertised in the Guardian.
Lesley-Anne: (papers rustling in the background) Oh yes, which job where you applying for: it was not clear from your e-mail.
Me: All of them.
Lesley-Anne: But the jobs are very different, Marketing Operations Manager, Operations Director, and Analytics Manager are very different roles. Do you have any experience in any of these areas?
Me: No, sorry.
Lesley-Anne: Could you please stop wasting my time?
Me: Yes, sorry, bye -bye.
I will let you know how it all turns out tomorrow evening.
Anyway the next job:
Can you sell Manchester as a World-Class city region?
I don't know, can you? Not wanting to get all Ross Noble about it, I had images of actually selling Manchester as an object. You know when you have to move a piece of turf on your lawn, you kind of edge it with one of those crescent shaped lawn edgers, and scoop it up with a spade. I had the images of going around the outskirts of Manchester (this might take a while), with said lawn edger and literally picking Manchester up and selling it. This would need some quite heavy lifting gear, I would imagine.
Let's see.
I woke up this morning with blue lip disease.
Don't panic, dear reader, this was due to the fact that I celebrated a fantastic victory for the England rugby team over France in the world cup semi final with a bottle of Des Trois Seigneurs, vin de pays L'aude. That is ironic, Alanis Morissette. England 14- France 9, and what a game? I wondered how many times I would need to go around the M25 to get such a score in The Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart game.
The landline telephone in my house is in the lounge. As discussed earlier, I smoke, and I therefore spend the majority of my time at home in the dining room (with my spider benylin friend). I rarely go into the lounge. This means that I check the answerphone messages about once a month. This is not good for urgent matters, I agree, and I apologise to any friends who have yet to receive a returned call.
However yesterday I heard the dulcet tones of Lesley-Anne Ryan from tenuk! She would like me to call her to discuss my application further. Are these people mad?!? I applied to them on the 9th October with:
Dear ten
I would love to be part of your revolution!
Please find attached my Curriculum Vitae.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
And they want to discuss me being their Marketing Operations Manager? Well I will have to call them tomorrow at lunch time. I am slightly nervous about this, and I do not know what I am going to say, but we will see what happens. I see it going a bit like this:
Lesley-Anne: Hello tenuk, Lesley Speaking, how may I help you?
Me: Hello, I am just returning your voice mail message, my name is Ian Carpenter, and I have applied for your jobs advertised in the Guardian.
Lesley-Anne: (papers rustling in the background) Oh yes, which job where you applying for: it was not clear from your e-mail.
Me: All of them.
Lesley-Anne: But the jobs are very different, Marketing Operations Manager, Operations Director, and Analytics Manager are very different roles. Do you have any experience in any of these areas?
Me: No, sorry.
Lesley-Anne: Could you please stop wasting my time?
Me: Yes, sorry, bye -bye.
I will let you know how it all turns out tomorrow evening.
Anyway the next job:
Can you sell Manchester as a World-Class city region?
I don't know, can you? Not wanting to get all Ross Noble about it, I had images of actually selling Manchester as an object. You know when you have to move a piece of turf on your lawn, you kind of edge it with one of those crescent shaped lawn edgers, and scoop it up with a spade. I had the images of going around the outskirts of Manchester (this might take a while), with said lawn edger and literally picking Manchester up and selling it. This would need some quite heavy lifting gear, I would imagine.
Let's see.
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