Monday 22nd October 2007
Applications: 55 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
I called tenuk again today at lunch time. Guess what?
Voicemail.
We are back where we were on the 15th October.
However I was heartened to receive the following e-mail:
Dear Ian
Thank you for your e-mail. Our selection process looks into the competencies identified by the job description. Unfortunately in this instance you did not satisfy the level of experience in this field required for the job role and therefore we cannot reconsider your application.
Kind Regards
Danni Thomas
Human Resources Administrator
UK Sport
So they are not prepared to reconsider, never mind.
So all in all, no news from anyone today. I was looking forward to hearing from the female writer in Notting Hill. Perhaps my three legged donkey, wonkey joke is not really that funny.
The chain smoking spider has a suitor. For a couple of days, there has been another spider in the corner of the room. I'm not sure if they are spider lovers, but the new suitor-spider has been hanging around the cigarette loving arachnid for two days. I don't know a lot about spider mating rituals, but he has been around two feet either side for the last couple of nights. Maybe I am learning something about nature and overcoming my fear of spiders.
Maybe I should be learning to dust away the spiders' cobwebs?
Anyway, on with the jobs...
The Financial Times are looking for a Marketing Executive.
'To apply send your CV to jobs@FT.com quoting reference MexecIF'
What? No covering letter or anything?
Dear Madam/Sir
I quote MexecIF.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
They also have positions for SUB-EDITORS. This must be important, as the job title is all in capitals.
Dear Charlotte
I read with the utmost interest your advertisement for SUB EDITOR in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Why is the job title in capital letters?
I would like to apply, and have attached my CV.
Kind regards
IAN CARPENTER
The CAPITAL LETTER DISEASE is contagious on this page:
'Candidates Must be Efficient, Loyal, Honest, and Dedicated.'
According to complementry art gallery.
Dear Madam/Sir
I am writing regarding your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I am Efficient, Loyal, Honest, and Dedicated.
I have attached my CV, and I look forward to your earliest response.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
SKIrecruit, see above. Although, I am going to the mountains this weekend. I am not sure that it is a great idea. I am not good with heights. I am a bit concerned about viaduc Egratz. That looks like a very high bridge to me. Still, perhaps tomorrow I can send an e-mail to Patrick Meiier (Whisky cat picture) to see if he would like top join us for a beer.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Monday 22nd October 2007
Applications: 52 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
Dear Emma
Thank you for your e-mail, I am glad that you have noted the contents of my e-mail.
I, in turn, note the contents of your e-mail.
I notice that nominations close for leader on the 31st October 2007. Do you think it is possible to become a Member of Parliament by then? Are there any seats going spare at the moment?
I appreciate that I may miss the deadline this time around. However, for future reference, how do I go about becoming an MP? Do you have a leaflet that you could send me?
I look forward to your reply.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
I spent the day travelling to a property just south of Heathrow Airport. The journey there was broken up by a close game of Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart Game. Norbert went into the lead around junction 26 of the M25, before I spotted an Eddie around junction 16; 1-1. Eddie finally pipped it at the death, as I spotted another of his lorries just after Junction 15. Final score: France 1: England 2.
I received a message on my home answer phone from Lesley-Anne at tenuk. She would like to invite me to a telephone interview. Now, P G Wodehouse style, let us just sum up what has happened so far with these people:
1. I sent a CV by email.
2. They left a message on my home phone, asking to discuss the application further.
3. I left a message for them with my mobile telephone number.
4. They called me back asking what I wanted.
5. I receive a text message indicating they do not have my CV.
6. I send my CV into them again.
7. I receive a message saying they would like to discuss my application further, and invite me for a telephone interview.
No wonder they need an Operations Director. So far their operations have not been directed very well at all. Oh well, I will call tomorrow, at lunch time.
Administration over, on with the jobs.
Actionaid will also accept applications from all aspects of the community, sadly not me, as discussed above.
'Home helps required by Female Writer in Notting Hill Gate.
Housework, shopping and whatever comes up. Over-qualified people welcomed. A sense of humour helps and you'll need to be reliable, practical, keenly helpful and able to commit to a minimum of six months.
E-mail (no attachments please) with brief résumé and full contact details.'
This advert looks sublimely ridiculous beneath the advert for the international charity. Part of me wants to leave this writer alone with the over-qualified shopper. However, I really can't resist.
Dear Madam
I read with interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/9/07.
I am overqualified and I have a sense of humour, for example:
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A Wonkey.
I look forward to your earliest response.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The next advert is for a fellowship at Harvard University, applications need to come from the candidate's university. As I am not currently studying, I will be unable to apply. However, I am pleased that the fellowships provide a stipend of $20,500.
Foundling Museum, charity.
Some media company require professionals with one year's B2B or B2C phone sales experience. They want you to call them, so I will add to tomorrow's lunch time list of calls.
The future laboratory's job closed on the 8th October! It is a shame, because they offered:
'Ours is not a 9-5 environment. Commitment, enthusiasm and passion are essential. Attractive package includes Christmas office closure, pension scheme, all of the food an drink you can manage, the office dog to walk and company performance related bonus.'
It is interesting that shutting the office at Christmas should mean more to people than a pension.
Anyway, after all of that, the return journey from Feltham ended in a boring 0-0 draw.
Applications: 52 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
Dear Emma
Thank you for your e-mail, I am glad that you have noted the contents of my e-mail.
I, in turn, note the contents of your e-mail.
I notice that nominations close for leader on the 31st October 2007. Do you think it is possible to become a Member of Parliament by then? Are there any seats going spare at the moment?
I appreciate that I may miss the deadline this time around. However, for future reference, how do I go about becoming an MP? Do you have a leaflet that you could send me?
I look forward to your reply.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
I spent the day travelling to a property just south of Heathrow Airport. The journey there was broken up by a close game of Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart Game. Norbert went into the lead around junction 26 of the M25, before I spotted an Eddie around junction 16; 1-1. Eddie finally pipped it at the death, as I spotted another of his lorries just after Junction 15. Final score: France 1: England 2.
I received a message on my home answer phone from Lesley-Anne at tenuk. She would like to invite me to a telephone interview. Now, P G Wodehouse style, let us just sum up what has happened so far with these people:
1. I sent a CV by email.
2. They left a message on my home phone, asking to discuss the application further.
3. I left a message for them with my mobile telephone number.
4. They called me back asking what I wanted.
5. I receive a text message indicating they do not have my CV.
6. I send my CV into them again.
7. I receive a message saying they would like to discuss my application further, and invite me for a telephone interview.
No wonder they need an Operations Director. So far their operations have not been directed very well at all. Oh well, I will call tomorrow, at lunch time.
Administration over, on with the jobs.
Actionaid will also accept applications from all aspects of the community, sadly not me, as discussed above.
'Home helps required by Female Writer in Notting Hill Gate.
Housework, shopping and whatever comes up. Over-qualified people welcomed. A sense of humour helps and you'll need to be reliable, practical, keenly helpful and able to commit to a minimum of six months.
E-mail (no attachments please) with brief résumé and full contact details.'
This advert looks sublimely ridiculous beneath the advert for the international charity. Part of me wants to leave this writer alone with the over-qualified shopper. However, I really can't resist.
Dear Madam
I read with interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/9/07.
I am overqualified and I have a sense of humour, for example:
What do you call a three legged donkey?
A Wonkey.
I look forward to your earliest response.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The next advert is for a fellowship at Harvard University, applications need to come from the candidate's university. As I am not currently studying, I will be unable to apply. However, I am pleased that the fellowships provide a stipend of $20,500.
Foundling Museum, charity.
Some media company require professionals with one year's B2B or B2C phone sales experience. They want you to call them, so I will add to tomorrow's lunch time list of calls.
The future laboratory's job closed on the 8th October! It is a shame, because they offered:
'Ours is not a 9-5 environment. Commitment, enthusiasm and passion are essential. Attractive package includes Christmas office closure, pension scheme, all of the food an drink you can manage, the office dog to walk and company performance related bonus.'
It is interesting that shutting the office at Christmas should mean more to people than a pension.
Anyway, after all of that, the return journey from Feltham ended in a boring 0-0 draw.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Monday 22nd October 2007
Applications: 51 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
I went to work this morning knowing that mum and Phyllis were being picked up by my dad to be driven home again. If you are going to create a carbon wellington boot print, you may as well have a pair.
Although it is nice to have your family over, I couldn't help thinking that I would much rather get back to normal. I was looking forward to tonight, so that I could sit on the bus with Lenny. I realise that this may need a little explanation...
Lenny has already been mentioned above. He is one of my two cats (of Lenny and Hippy fame). Lenny has had a troubled life. He joined our little family during a period when my partner was working in a pet shop. He was the last cat left over from a litter of kittens. I don't think anyone liked him because he has a funny squidge on his face that makes him look like he is laughing. Anyway, because he was the last kitten left, he spent rather too much time with the birds in the pet shop. This means that every time he sees a bird, he has to make a bird-like squawking sound. This has gradually developed into a general anxiety disorder. He always has to come in through the dining room doors (even if the kitchen door is open), and he hates carrier bags rustling (to the extent that he will jump about four feet in the air).
Anyway, as explained before, I spend a great deal of my time in the dining room. I sit on a dining chair, and Lenny likes me to pull up another dining room chair alongside mine. He will then sit on the dining chair next to me. It looks like we are sitting on the top deck of a double decker bus. Hence the expression, to sit on the bus with Lenny. I use it now to mean, getting back to normal after you have been on holiday, or had general family visiting disrupting your usual routine.
The chain smoking spider has decided to sit on the bus with Lenny. She did not make an appearance for the whole weekend with mum and Phyllis here, but she has dutifully returned tonight.
I SPOKE TO A HUMAN BEING TODAY FROM TENUK!!!
You may recall that tenuk had left me an answerphone message. I returned their call, and had got their voicemail message. This was around ten days ago. Anyway, I received a call from them today.
Kerri: Hello is that Ian.
Me: Yes, who's calling?
Kerri: It is Kerri from tenuk, you have left us an answerphone message?
Me: Yes, I was returning your call, you said that you wanted to discuss my application further.
Kerri: Which job did you apply for?
(Hmm, tricky, I have applied for quite a few recently)
Me: I think it was for Operations Manager.
Kerri: Oh, Ops Manager, we have had loads of entrants for that, we have a pile of CVs which we are sifting through.
Me: So what was it that you wanted to discuss?
Kerri: Oh nothing, I was just returning your answerphone message.
Me: So is there some kind of Application Process?
Kerri: Oh yes, we will sift through the CV's and you may be selected for a telephone interview.
Me: So I shall expect to hear from you?
Kerri: Yes within the next few days.
Me: Alright then, I'll speak to you soon.
Within ten minutes I received a text message:
Ian we have not received a CV from you. If you would like to apply for a role, please e-mail this to HR@TenUK.com.
WHAT?!?!
They received my e-mail on the 9th October 2007 enclosing a CV. They must have had it, how else did they leave me a message on my answer phone?
Dear Ten
I am writing following our telephone conversation, and a subsequent text message.
You have had my CV. Please find attached a copy of my original e-mail.
I would still love to be part of your revolution!
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
So, two weeks on and we are back to square one.
We thank you for your interest in tenUk and will be in touch shortly.
Kind regards,
HR at tenUK
Oh, I know they will.
Strictly Confidential-
Addressee Only
RE – Application for Coaching Consultant – UK Sport
Dear Ian,
Further to your application to the above post, I write to inform you that regrettably, on this occasion, you were unsuccessful.
May I take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in the role and please do not let this deter you from applying for future jobs within UK Sport.
Yours sincerely
Danni Thomas
Human Resources Administrator
Applications: 51 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
I went to work this morning knowing that mum and Phyllis were being picked up by my dad to be driven home again. If you are going to create a carbon wellington boot print, you may as well have a pair.
Although it is nice to have your family over, I couldn't help thinking that I would much rather get back to normal. I was looking forward to tonight, so that I could sit on the bus with Lenny. I realise that this may need a little explanation...
Lenny has already been mentioned above. He is one of my two cats (of Lenny and Hippy fame). Lenny has had a troubled life. He joined our little family during a period when my partner was working in a pet shop. He was the last cat left over from a litter of kittens. I don't think anyone liked him because he has a funny squidge on his face that makes him look like he is laughing. Anyway, because he was the last kitten left, he spent rather too much time with the birds in the pet shop. This means that every time he sees a bird, he has to make a bird-like squawking sound. This has gradually developed into a general anxiety disorder. He always has to come in through the dining room doors (even if the kitchen door is open), and he hates carrier bags rustling (to the extent that he will jump about four feet in the air).
Anyway, as explained before, I spend a great deal of my time in the dining room. I sit on a dining chair, and Lenny likes me to pull up another dining room chair alongside mine. He will then sit on the dining chair next to me. It looks like we are sitting on the top deck of a double decker bus. Hence the expression, to sit on the bus with Lenny. I use it now to mean, getting back to normal after you have been on holiday, or had general family visiting disrupting your usual routine.
The chain smoking spider has decided to sit on the bus with Lenny. She did not make an appearance for the whole weekend with mum and Phyllis here, but she has dutifully returned tonight.
I SPOKE TO A HUMAN BEING TODAY FROM TENUK!!!
You may recall that tenuk had left me an answerphone message. I returned their call, and had got their voicemail message. This was around ten days ago. Anyway, I received a call from them today.
Kerri: Hello is that Ian.
Me: Yes, who's calling?
Kerri: It is Kerri from tenuk, you have left us an answerphone message?
Me: Yes, I was returning your call, you said that you wanted to discuss my application further.
Kerri: Which job did you apply for?
(Hmm, tricky, I have applied for quite a few recently)
Me: I think it was for Operations Manager.
Kerri: Oh, Ops Manager, we have had loads of entrants for that, we have a pile of CVs which we are sifting through.
Me: So what was it that you wanted to discuss?
Kerri: Oh nothing, I was just returning your answerphone message.
Me: So is there some kind of Application Process?
Kerri: Oh yes, we will sift through the CV's and you may be selected for a telephone interview.
Me: So I shall expect to hear from you?
Kerri: Yes within the next few days.
Me: Alright then, I'll speak to you soon.
Within ten minutes I received a text message:
Ian we have not received a CV from you. If you would like to apply for a role, please e-mail this to HR@TenUK.com.
WHAT?!?!
They received my e-mail on the 9th October 2007 enclosing a CV. They must have had it, how else did they leave me a message on my answer phone?
Dear Ten
I am writing following our telephone conversation, and a subsequent text message.
You have had my CV. Please find attached a copy of my original e-mail.
I would still love to be part of your revolution!
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
So, two weeks on and we are back to square one.
We thank you for your interest in tenUk and will be in touch shortly.
Kind regards,
HR at tenUK
Oh, I know they will.
Strictly Confidential-
Addressee Only
RE – Application for Coaching Consultant – UK Sport
Dear Ian,
Further to your application to the above post, I write to inform you that regrettably, on this occasion, you were unsuccessful.
May I take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in the role and please do not let this deter you from applying for future jobs within UK Sport.
Yours sincerely
Danni Thomas
Human Resources Administrator
Dear Danni
Thank you for your e-mail. However, I was really disappointed by your rejection of my application.
I really do like watching elite sport. Only last weekend, I watched England be beaten by South Africa in the World Cup Final. I also watched Lewis Hamilton fail to win the F1 Championship.
Would you please reconsider my application?
Kind regards
AND FINALLY FROM THE LIB DEMS!!!
Dear IanMany thanks for your email, the contents of which have been noted. You have to already be a Member of Parliament in order to stand for Leader of the Party, however, thank you for your application and for writing in.Best wishes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emma Peall Information Co-ordinator
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Sunday 21st October 2007
Applications: 51 Rejections: 1 Replies: 13 (12 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
http://www.guinnesscommunications.co.uk/apply.html
'This position is now closed and no late applications will be received.'
The Prostate Cancer charity will not receive an application from me for their Volunteer Development Manager, even though they welcome applications from all sections of the community.
Ditto the Petsavers Fundraiser, although the position was based in Gloucester, which would have been handy for my mum and dad's shop.
Espresso education are looking for a Business Development Executive, but the closing date was the 19th October 2007.
Dear Madam/Sir
I noticed that you had the above position advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
The closing date was the 19th October 2007. I appreciate that I am late, but I have had my mum visiting with her friend Phyllis over the weekend.
Would you still accept my application?
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
For the first time in my little project, I need stationery. Jigsaw want a London Based Visual Merchandise and Stylist. I have to apply in writing to Faye McLeod. I'm off to buy some stamps and an envelope, oh and some new ink for the printer.
END OF PAGE FOUR!!!
Whoever sucked the air out of the plastic wrapping on my ink cartridge did a very good job. It took me at least twenty minutes to get it open. The air must have been sucked out by someone with the lung capacity of an Olympic rower.
So Jigsaw want people who have a proven track record in fashion visual merchandising. Hmm, tricky one.
Faye McLeod
Visual Director
Jigsaw
159 Mortlake Road
Kew
Surrey
TW9 4AW
21st October 2007
Dear Ms McLeod
Re: Visual Merchandisers & stylists
I am writing following your recent advertisement for the above position.
Although, I do not have any direct experience in this area, I do select the appropriate tie for my shirt every morning. I would like to think that I rarely make a fashion faux-pas. I would hope that the people at work would tell me if I did.
I also do my own hair (with full use of the mirror in the dining room) every morning. I did not used to use any products on my hair, but recently I have been taken to using a styling wax by VO5; it is very good.
I have taken a picture of the styling wax to prove that I use it. You will notice from the picture that there is one of those funny orb things above the pot. I don't know what this means, but I think it may mean that this was meant to be the job for me.
Please find attached Curriculum Vitae, and picture with the funny orb thingy on it.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Encs: Picture and CV
Applications: 51 Rejections: 1 Replies: 13 (12 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1
http://www.guinnesscommunications.co.uk/apply.html
'This position is now closed and no late applications will be received.'
The Prostate Cancer charity will not receive an application from me for their Volunteer Development Manager, even though they welcome applications from all sections of the community.
Ditto the Petsavers Fundraiser, although the position was based in Gloucester, which would have been handy for my mum and dad's shop.
Espresso education are looking for a Business Development Executive, but the closing date was the 19th October 2007.
Dear Madam/Sir
I noticed that you had the above position advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
The closing date was the 19th October 2007. I appreciate that I am late, but I have had my mum visiting with her friend Phyllis over the weekend.
Would you still accept my application?
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
For the first time in my little project, I need stationery. Jigsaw want a London Based Visual Merchandise and Stylist. I have to apply in writing to Faye McLeod. I'm off to buy some stamps and an envelope, oh and some new ink for the printer.
END OF PAGE FOUR!!!
Whoever sucked the air out of the plastic wrapping on my ink cartridge did a very good job. It took me at least twenty minutes to get it open. The air must have been sucked out by someone with the lung capacity of an Olympic rower.
So Jigsaw want people who have a proven track record in fashion visual merchandising. Hmm, tricky one.
Faye McLeod
Visual Director
Jigsaw
159 Mortlake Road
Kew
Surrey
TW9 4AW
21st October 2007
Dear Ms McLeod
Re: Visual Merchandisers & stylists
I am writing following your recent advertisement for the above position.
Although, I do not have any direct experience in this area, I do select the appropriate tie for my shirt every morning. I would like to think that I rarely make a fashion faux-pas. I would hope that the people at work would tell me if I did.
I also do my own hair (with full use of the mirror in the dining room) every morning. I did not used to use any products on my hair, but recently I have been taken to using a styling wax by VO5; it is very good.
I have taken a picture of the styling wax to prove that I use it. You will notice from the picture that there is one of those funny orb things above the pot. I don't know what this means, but I think it may mean that this was meant to be the job for me.
Please find attached Curriculum Vitae, and picture with the funny orb thingy on it.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Encs: Picture and CV
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Saturday 20th October 2007
The Guardian JobMatch team have identified an opportunity that may be of interest to you.
The advertiser is UNITED UTILITIES LTD and the title of the vacancy they are advertising is Business Development Manager x3.
To find out more please click here:
http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/297903/business-development-manager-x3/?grse=grse_1&email=jobmatch&licampaignid=300601
Kind Regards
The Guardian Jobs Team
To Unsubscribe, please log in to Guardian Jobs and delete saved searches. To Log in, click here: http://www.guardianjobs.co.uk/my-details?grse=grse_1&email=Jobmatch_unsub
Now, I am slightly more certain that the Guardian Jobs Team is trying to lay down the gauntlet, as it were. Again, I have not heard from Guardian Jobs in two months but since I sent them the e-mail to see if they are interested in my quest, I have received a couple of jobs. I may be being paranoid, but the way they have signed off with kind regards, makes me suspicious. Once more unto the breach, Guardian Jobs Team, I can not refuse your challenge.
Job: Business Development Manager x3,
UNITED UTILITIES LTD
Should it not be Jobs? Ah well, it is the Guardian.
Thank you for applying for the position of : Business Development Manager x3.
App. Source :
GuardianJobs
If you would like to view the job advert, please click here
Applying for this job should only take a few minutes. Fill in the Personal Details form making sure that your email address and phone numbers are up to date. Then upload any documents requested e.g. CV. When your application is complete you will receive an acknowledgement by email for your records. Your application is then ready to be considered for shortlisting.
When you are ready to begin your application click "Next ".
Acknowledge *
Print Your Application
Acknowledgement
Your application will shortly be acknowledged by email to the following address:
my e-mail address
All relevant details of your application will be included in this acknowledgement for further reference.
You have now completed the initial online application process. Your application will now be reviewed as soon as possible. Should we require any further information or require you to participate in the selection process you will be contacted.
Thank you for applying.
There that was easy. I still don't trust the on-line application process though, so I will expect to be declined within a couple of minutes.
'With a name like Guinness you might think our brand was pretty good already.'
Fantastic! A job working for Guinness! However:
'Today we have no connection with the brewery, but we're proud of our heritage and keen to build on our reputation as one of the country's largest providers of housing.'
Oh pants.
The Guardian JobMatch team have identified an opportunity that may be of interest to you.
The advertiser is UNITED UTILITIES LTD and the title of the vacancy they are advertising is Business Development Manager x3.
To find out more please click here:
http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/297903/business-development-manager-x3/?grse=grse_1&email=jobmatch&licampaignid=300601
Kind Regards
The Guardian Jobs Team
To Unsubscribe, please log in to Guardian Jobs and delete saved searches. To Log in, click here: http://www.guardianjobs.co.uk/my-details?grse=grse_1&email=Jobmatch_unsub
Now, I am slightly more certain that the Guardian Jobs Team is trying to lay down the gauntlet, as it were. Again, I have not heard from Guardian Jobs in two months but since I sent them the e-mail to see if they are interested in my quest, I have received a couple of jobs. I may be being paranoid, but the way they have signed off with kind regards, makes me suspicious. Once more unto the breach, Guardian Jobs Team, I can not refuse your challenge.
Job: Business Development Manager x3,
UNITED UTILITIES LTD
Should it not be Jobs? Ah well, it is the Guardian.
Thank you for applying for the position of : Business Development Manager x3.
App. Source :
GuardianJobs
If you would like to view the job advert, please click here
Applying for this job should only take a few minutes. Fill in the Personal Details form making sure that your email address and phone numbers are up to date. Then upload any documents requested e.g. CV. When your application is complete you will receive an acknowledgement by email for your records. Your application is then ready to be considered for shortlisting.
When you are ready to begin your application click "Next ".
Acknowledge *
Print Your Application
Acknowledgement
Your application will shortly be acknowledged by email to the following address:
my e-mail address
All relevant details of your application will be included in this acknowledgement for further reference.
You have now completed the initial online application process. Your application will now be reviewed as soon as possible. Should we require any further information or require you to participate in the selection process you will be contacted.
Thank you for applying.
There that was easy. I still don't trust the on-line application process though, so I will expect to be declined within a couple of minutes.
'With a name like Guinness you might think our brand was pretty good already.'
Fantastic! A job working for Guinness! However:
'Today we have no connection with the brewery, but we're proud of our heritage and keen to build on our reputation as one of the country's largest providers of housing.'
Oh pants.
Saturday 20th October 2007
This morning I woke up with tonsils swollen due to too much snoring, due to that bottle of merlot in the restaurant, the food of which I can smell on my fingers, with a dull ache in my forehead disease.
My parents live in the Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire. According to Google maps, a distance of 185 miles or 3 hours 31 minutes distance. They run the traditional rural shop, where people put a paper order in for the whole week, and Mrs Jones has a bloomer on Thursday; you get the idea. I don't see them very often due to the distance between us, we are the archetypal non-nuclear family.
Anyway it is my mum's birthday next week, so it has been decided that she should come down for a weekend visit, to celebrate the passing of another year. My dad drove my mum and a close family friend Phyllis down, and they arrived at around 1 pm yesterday. I had taken the afternoon off. I called them to see where they were, and to ask them not to turn up until I had done the washing up from the previous night's Chinese takeaway. My dad was not staying for the weekend; he was literally dropping my mum and Phyllis off, before returning to the shop, as he could not get anyone to look after it for the weekend. A journey of 370 miles, and a carbon wellington bootprint. Before you ask, yes my mum can drive, and no, I do not know why she did not drive herself.
Anyway, we went to a bar on Southend Seafront for the afternoon. It was one of those great autumnal afternoons, where you get crisp, shiny sunshine. We then booked my mum and Phyllis into a local hotel. In case you think I am not hospitable, I do not have a spare bedroom. I turned it into a study when I went back to university. We unloaded the car, and it was then I discovered that they had brought their own toaster, bread, and margarine, which they arranged neatly on the sideboard of their shared twin room. I think they must be concerned that we may not have learned how to toast bread here in Essex.
Anyway, after dad had left, and Nicky had returned from work, we went for a meal in the restaurant, the food of which I could smell on my fingers this morning.
All of this excitement has meant that I did not do any work on my little project yesterday. I think the Guardian Job Gods can sense that I did not do any work yesterday, as I have not received any e-mails at all. All this is a bit of a bonus as it means that I can crack on with applying for the jobs.
This morning I woke up with tonsils swollen due to too much snoring, due to that bottle of merlot in the restaurant, the food of which I can smell on my fingers, with a dull ache in my forehead disease.
My parents live in the Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire. According to Google maps, a distance of 185 miles or 3 hours 31 minutes distance. They run the traditional rural shop, where people put a paper order in for the whole week, and Mrs Jones has a bloomer on Thursday; you get the idea. I don't see them very often due to the distance between us, we are the archetypal non-nuclear family.
Anyway it is my mum's birthday next week, so it has been decided that she should come down for a weekend visit, to celebrate the passing of another year. My dad drove my mum and a close family friend Phyllis down, and they arrived at around 1 pm yesterday. I had taken the afternoon off. I called them to see where they were, and to ask them not to turn up until I had done the washing up from the previous night's Chinese takeaway. My dad was not staying for the weekend; he was literally dropping my mum and Phyllis off, before returning to the shop, as he could not get anyone to look after it for the weekend. A journey of 370 miles, and a carbon wellington bootprint. Before you ask, yes my mum can drive, and no, I do not know why she did not drive herself.
Anyway, we went to a bar on Southend Seafront for the afternoon. It was one of those great autumnal afternoons, where you get crisp, shiny sunshine. We then booked my mum and Phyllis into a local hotel. In case you think I am not hospitable, I do not have a spare bedroom. I turned it into a study when I went back to university. We unloaded the car, and it was then I discovered that they had brought their own toaster, bread, and margarine, which they arranged neatly on the sideboard of their shared twin room. I think they must be concerned that we may not have learned how to toast bread here in Essex.
Anyway, after dad had left, and Nicky had returned from work, we went for a meal in the restaurant, the food of which I could smell on my fingers this morning.
All of this excitement has meant that I did not do any work on my little project yesterday. I think the Guardian Job Gods can sense that I did not do any work yesterday, as I have not received any e-mails at all. All this is a bit of a bonus as it means that I can crack on with applying for the jobs.
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