Friday 16th November 2007

Applications: 75 Rejections: 5 Replies: 22 (21 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1


Dear Mr Carpenter,

Unfortunately, this job has now been filled. Thank you for showing an interest.

Yours sincerely

Robert Jones

Never mind, well I did apply seven weeks late, what did I expect?

I was doing some research for the Liberal Democrat Project. I noticed the following on:

http://www.libdems.org.uk/party/people/

'Vince Cable
Following the resignation of Ming Campbell as party leader, his deputy Dr Vincent Cable has become Acting Leader pending a leadership election. You can read about Vince Cable on his biography page.'

What do you think of that? Do you not spell it Menzies?

Perhaps they have been hanging out with the good people at The Jolly Learning Partnership. Remember them from Thursday 8th November: they were the ones peddling synthetic phonics.

If I ever get to become an MP for the Liberal Democrats, I will be known as Eeyanne.

So, Islington Borough Council are loooking for a Corporate Communications Officer, Communications and Marketing Officers (x2), and a Senior Media Officer. Apply by date was 14th October 2007. I reflected for a moment on the sad irony of the written phrase:

'If you require this document in large print or Braile, please contact 0207 527 2000.'

Flight Centre want Sales Consultants:

'Having visited two continents outside europe.'

Hmm I haven't done this. I can count only Europe.

Never mind, I was not exactly qualified for Operational Consultancy.

Flightcentre.co.uk/careers

30 jobs, hmm, see above, that would be ridiculous, I'll be here for ever. So sorry flight centre, I hadn't been to two continents outside europe anyway.

Assistant Editor for UKIP!! My political leanings are being pushed from pillar to post here. As luck would have it, the apply by date was 3/10/07, blimey you had to be quick with that lot.

'AS & K Mercury Healthcare Communications is a leading communications agency providing innovative and strategically focussed solutions across the pharmaceutical industry.'

They are looking for an Editor and an Assistant Editor.

Dear Madam/Sir

I have come across your advertisement for the above positions in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I do not have a biomedical degree, or a life science degree. I did however get an A in GCSE biology.

I am interested in medical issues and Healthcare communications. I particularly like the anti-smoking poster where the cigarette turns into a tube of fatty cholesterol.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

TESCO would 'like to get closer to the communities we serve'. No really, you do surprise me. I already have a large TESCO, and four baby TESCOs all within walking distance of my house. However, they do not serve Holsten Pils, so they do not get my custom! They are apparently looking to put an even bigger TESCO about 800 yards nearer my house than the other large TESCO that is already there. How many toasters for £2.97 can they sell?

The person that you had to apply to by the 5th October was called David Younghusband. Sorry Marike, you have moved into second place in the top five list of ridiculous names that I have encountered on my little quest.

I doff my cap to Nick Hornby, but the top five list of ridiculous names that I have encountered so far looks like this:

1. David Younghusband
2. Marike Dippenaar
3. Sir Menzies Campbell (phonetically Ming)
4. Orkan Ahmadov
5. Klaus Brune/Patrick Meiier

Ofcom wanted a Partner. I thought this was a bit forward for a first encounter, but there we go. ABD 8/10/07.

Thursday 15th November 2007

Applications: 73 Rejections: 4 Replies: 21 (20 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1


Dear Mr Brune

Thank you for your e-mail.

I do have a day off work on Friday 16th November, I could make it to Frankfurt by mid-day. Is this too soon for you to make a decision?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter


I'm out of the office and on vacation. For urgent coverage questions, please contact Hans-Joachim Koch (hans-joachim.koch@dowjones.com) or Michael Matern (michael.matern@dowjones.com). If you need to reach somebody by phone, you can also try the Frankfurt desk at +49 69 29 725 500.

I will be back at my desk at around 0630 GMT Monday, Nov. 19.

Klaus Brune
News Editor, Germany

So the trip to Frankfurt is off for this weekend. Never mind.

Livres Libros Books:

'Fluency in French is essential with Italian highly desirable and a working knowledge of Spanish would be useful.'


Cher, querido, dear Robert

I read with a gargantuan amount of interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I like books, French and Spanish, so it seems the ideal job for me.

I also lived in Holland for three years.

I have no publishing experience, as yet.

Please find attached my CV, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Je vous prie d’agréer, mes salutations distinguées.

Hasta luego.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

END OF PAGE 14!!!!!!

Back to the Liberal Democrats. I have just been watching Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne arguing the same point with each other on Question Time. The Lib Dems missed a trick by not appointing me as their leader.

Them, and the International Institute of Communications; when will they learn?

The picture is of Lenny, sitting on the bus. You may notice the little 'v' in his left ear. This is an old battle wound. We sometimes call him Len-v.

Wednesday 14th November 2007

Applications: 72 Rejections: 4 Replies: 21 (20 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

On behalf of the Board of the International Institute of Communications may I thank you for kindly submitting details of your experience for the post of Director General at the Institute.

We had a number of applicants and it was very hard to get to a reasonable short list. We have chosen three whose experience pattern is very close to what we require so I regret that we will not be able to take your own application forward at this time.
We do wish you success in your search for a suitable post.

Best regards,

Sebastian Mann
Projects Executive
International Institute of Communications

Regent House
24-25 Nutford Place
London W1H 5YN

I applied for this job on the 3rd October. They are the Institute of Communications, so they must have had to talk about it for a while. However, six weeks could be considered procrastination.

I have been checking flights to Frankfurt. I feel that I have to go. It would be wrong of me to warrant Patrick Meiier of ACM markets a visit in Geneva, and leave out Klaus Brune, from Dow Jones.

I wonder how leathery the sofa is in the foyer of their building.

I could go this weekend; I have a day off on Friday. I asked Nicky, but she did not seem interested, I might have to go on my own. Maybe I should wait until Klaus has considered my application.

On with the jobs...

UCL want a Manager of the Multimedia Unit ABD 5/10/07.

The Shoreditch Trust wants a Marketing, Arts and Events Assistant. The interview date was 22nd October 2007. This is a charity, so I would not have applied. However, I was in Shoreditch only last week at a property that I manage. I like the area, and Nicky is an Art Teacher.

No, it is a charity, move on.

The Courtauld Institute of Art want an Education Programmes Co-ordinator. Interview date 19/10/07. See above.

The British Red Cross want several campaigns people:

'c.24K incl. ILW dependent on experience.'

Language evolves.

University of London want a Head of Internal Communications and External Relations. Interviews 15 October 2007.

Lime Pictures wanted a Broadcast Engineer to work on Hollyoaks. ABD 5/10/07.

What is a Stakeholder Engagement Officer? Tower Hamlets wanted three of them, but they all had to apply by the 12/10/07.

This page is not looking good on the application front. No jobs applied for so far.

Breakthrough Breast Cancer has again brightened up my day with their purple advert. Community Fundraising Executive. Please feel free to donate money to these people.

Anyway, Lenny's ear has more or less completely healed. I wonder when the fur will grow back over it though. He does look a bit odd with one bald ear.

The chain smoking spider has given up the ghost for the winter, it is too cold.

Tuesday 13th November 2007

Applications: 72 Rejections: 4 Replies: 20 (19 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1


I was once told by one of my lecturers at university to think about global inequality. If you want to see how unequal the world is, get a map of the world, and turn it upside down. Good advice I reckon.

Anyway, Dow Jones wrote back to me:

Dear Mr Carpenter,

thank you very much for your interest in Dow Jones and your application with us. I'm currently looking at all incoming applications for the Chemicals/Pharma and Banking positions in Frankfurt, and I will get back to you in due course if I need more information about your application.

In the meantime, should you have any enquiries about these two positions, please feel free to send me a mail about it.

Best regards,

Klaus Brune

This is the spirit. I'll forgive Klaus for missing the capital t at the start of his e-mail. I can see a trip to Frankfurt in the offing. If only to take a stupid photograph with me in the foyer of a swanky building. Excitement all round.

Foxtons.

We have all seen these people driving about in those Mini Coopers. I really do not want to work for these people. However, given my background in the mortgage and property business, it is probably inevitable that they would want to interview me. I will have to try really hard not to get this job.

No e-mail option. I have to call them. It is 10 p.m. I don't think even the hard working go-getters will be there now. I will have to call them during the day. They have a picture of someone kite-surfing in their advert.

'Opening soon: Dulwich & Woking'

Do they do a lot of kite surfing in Woking?

The Overseas Development Institute wants a Head of Communications. Charity.

VPS Consultancy, see above.

Media PA.

'The ideal candidate will have varied media experience, be highly organised and used to working to deadlines.

An ability to speak french is desirable.'

Perfect.

Dear Alan

I read with incredulity your advertisement for a job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I am honest, trustworthy and discreet. My mother once bought a cindy doll for my sister for Christmas, which I found in the cupboard at the start of December. I did not let on once to my sister!

I can also speak French.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Director of fundraising, charity number 1067412.

END OF PAGE 13!

They have discovered another case of bird flu today. H5N1, what sort of name is that for a disease? No clue whatsoever what that one does. Who did name blue-tongue disease? We need them to help out here.

I should imagine that if you were a bird, and you had flu, it would be quite hard to fly. It is hard enough to sneeze sitting down at a computer. You close your eyes, and do that silly half breathing in thing for at least ten seconds. Imagine if you were flying! There must be some potential for banging into a tree or a lamp post.

Very precarious.

Monday 12th November 2007

The bowls final yesterday was superb. Why do they spray a bowl that touched the jack with breath freshener? I don't know. It went right down to a tie break. It was fantastic. Paul 'Fozzy' Foster won through in the end.

Not only did I watch the bowls yesterday, but I also bought a book on origami. The photo shows my first effort at creating 'saturn'. I hope you enjoy it.

So on we go,

Financial Times are looking for a Chief Sub-Editor, Sub-Editor, Deputy Production Editor, and a further Sub Editor.


Dear Madam/Sir

I note that you have several positions advertised in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.

I do apologise for the lateness in my reply, but I have been applying for quite a number of jobs recently.

As you can see from my attached CV, I worked in a bank for ten years. How financial is that?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely



Ian Carpenter

Guardian Media Group wants an auditor. They should audit their job adverts more frequently, I have already been linked to an illegal marriage in the Philippines. ABD 12/10/07.

Dow Jones Newswires want some people.

7 different jobs!

Dear all

I would like to apply for your jobs in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter