Monday 6th November 2007
Applications: 59 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
Stop the fireworks please!
The British Medical Association Membership Benefits Marketing Manager (12/10/07)
Marketing Executive.
Age Concern Marketing Adviser (9/10/07).
Corporate Communications Adviser (based in Bristol) [Well they need a bit of help communicating in the South West, I should know] (8/10/07)
Tuffin Ferraby Taylor are: 'looking for an individual to define strategy and manage delivery of all central global marketing activity and communications.'
Dear Madam/sir
I am writing regarding your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Your advertisement asked that I define strategy. Well, according to my Griffin Savers Oxford Dictionary (1984):
‘1. the planning and direction of the whole operation of a campaign or war.
2. a plan policy of this kind or to achieve something, our economic strategy.’
I hope that I have successfully defined strategy, and I do hope that you are not asking people to direct a war.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
British Heart Foundation Senior Press Officer (12/10/07)
Press Officer (Ditto)
Safety complex Manager at safeside at Eastside (12/10/07)
Events Co-ordinator at the Royal Society of Medicine (10/10/07)
Senior Touring Exhibitions Co-ordinator (19/10/07)
Editor and Publications Project Co-ordinator (12/10/07) Both at the V&A.
The Design Museum wanted a Development Manager and Co-ordinator (17 and 12/10/07)
All these jobs that I have missed out on.
Oh, well.
Anyway, news on Lenny's ear: It all seems to have picked up recently, and does not smell of rancid aluminium anymore.
Chain smoking spider still likes the odd fag, but not as often as before. I think the spider benylin had a funny effect on her.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Monday 5th November 2007
Applications: 58 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
The Zygos Partnership (remember them) have finally turned me down:
RESEARCH CONSULTANT POSITION
Thank you for your email enclosing a copy of your CV with reference to the above role which I have read with care.
There have been a number of candidates who more closely match the skills set and experience required for this position, so unfortunately on this occasion, you have not been successful in your application.
Nevertheless, may I take this opportunity to thank you for writing to The Zygos Partnership and wish you every success with your future career.
Yours sincerely
The Zygos Partnership
15 Sloane Square
London
SW1W 8ER
Oh well, at least I won't be found hanging from Neap Bridge.
I have been looking at the jobs on page ten. As discussed above, well I say discussed, more mentioned. The jobs on this page are no more, they have expired, they have ceased to be.
Dear reader, please feel free to let your mind wander as I mention all of the expired jobs and their apply-by dates on this page:
The Guardian (5/10/07) media research data analyst, Marketing Officer for the NCB (14/10/07), Senior Marketing Officer and Press Officer for the Warrington Borough Council (11/10/07), Communications and administration Officer for the UK Coalition Against Poverty (24/10/07), Head of Finance for RICHMIX (12/10/07), Marketing Assistant at Fairfield Halls Croydon (12/10/07).
One little gem at the end does not have a reply by date! English Language Sales Manager for Ivy Group.
www.ivy-group.co.uk/jobs
Apparently, I have to apply to someone called Alistair Campbell.
It can't be.
Surely not.
Dear Alistair
I note with some considerable interest your position for English Language Sales Manager advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Firstly, are you really Alistair Campbell?
If so, I have bought your book, The Tony Blair Years. I have to admit that I have been a bit busy recently, so I have not had a chance to read it from cover to cover. However, whenever I get a spare couple of weeks, I will give it my full attention.
I am not sure exactly what the advertisement meant. Do I have to sell the English language to other people?
I would welcome some clarification on this matter.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Well let's see what happens.
End of page ten!
Applications: 58 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
The Zygos Partnership (remember them) have finally turned me down:
RESEARCH CONSULTANT POSITION
Thank you for your email enclosing a copy of your CV with reference to the above role which I have read with care.
There have been a number of candidates who more closely match the skills set and experience required for this position, so unfortunately on this occasion, you have not been successful in your application.
Nevertheless, may I take this opportunity to thank you for writing to The Zygos Partnership and wish you every success with your future career.
Yours sincerely
The Zygos Partnership
15 Sloane Square
London
SW1W 8ER
Oh well, at least I won't be found hanging from Neap Bridge.
I have been looking at the jobs on page ten. As discussed above, well I say discussed, more mentioned. The jobs on this page are no more, they have expired, they have ceased to be.
Dear reader, please feel free to let your mind wander as I mention all of the expired jobs and their apply-by dates on this page:
The Guardian (5/10/07) media research data analyst, Marketing Officer for the NCB (14/10/07), Senior Marketing Officer and Press Officer for the Warrington Borough Council (11/10/07), Communications and administration Officer for the UK Coalition Against Poverty (24/10/07), Head of Finance for RICHMIX (12/10/07), Marketing Assistant at Fairfield Halls Croydon (12/10/07).
One little gem at the end does not have a reply by date! English Language Sales Manager for Ivy Group.
www.ivy-group.co.uk/jobs
Apparently, I have to apply to someone called Alistair Campbell.
It can't be.
Surely not.
Dear Alistair
I note with some considerable interest your position for English Language Sales Manager advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Firstly, are you really Alistair Campbell?
If so, I have bought your book, The Tony Blair Years. I have to admit that I have been a bit busy recently, so I have not had a chance to read it from cover to cover. However, whenever I get a spare couple of weeks, I will give it my full attention.
I am not sure exactly what the advertisement meant. Do I have to sell the English language to other people?
I would welcome some clarification on this matter.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Well let's see what happens.
End of page ten!
Sunday 4th November 2007
We went to a housewarming come bonfire party last night. That kind of works; let's warm the house by lighting a great big fire. I don't know why more people don't wait to complete on their house purchases until a couple of days before bonfire night.
I reckon one of the guests must have been in the Boy Scouts when they were younger. When the fireworks started, they not only pulled out a paparazzi-style camera, but they also erected a tripod! Is it just me, or is that a little too prepared?
Tripod Camera Person: Hello Marge [partner of Tripod Camera Person], don't forget we are going to that party tonight, so we need to get a few things to take.
Marge: Oh yes, I'll get some flowers for the hosts, a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine.
Tripod Camera Person: I'll get a card from the shop, oh, and I'll also pack that really professional looking camera tripod in order to take pictures of the fireworks.
Does that not happen in your house?
I also played a short text game of Mornington Crescent with Simon (Yes the original challenger, to coin a phrase from Danny Wallace):
Me: Fancy a game of Mornington Crescent? Normal Rules, bi-laterals count double. I'll start by sacrificing Seven Sisters: tooting Bec.
Simon: I'm afraid that makes no sense to me. You should apply anyway.
[Perhaps I may have been talking about the project too much.]
Me: Sorry it is from I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue. A game where there are no rules. (you make your own rules up) your turn.
Simon: I take Pimlico and raise you a Cockfosters.
Me: Ah, you have been studying the Karpov Dilemma. Forward counts for three, and I have a community chest. So: Friern Barnet.
Simon: Predictable. Friern Barnet is a type 2 so I have to employ the Yuri Gargarin method. Over the river puts me in a bit of a fix, but I'm afraid it's whitechapel.
Me: Anyway, Mornington Crescent. (denotes end of game)
This is a very short version of the game. I recommend any more serious players to go to the Radio Four message board:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbradio4/F2766775?thread=4082448&skip=440&show=20
There is one game on this board that has been going on since April.
I have to admit that I am looking at the paper, and becoming a little disheartened. Most of the jobs on page ten have passed their apply-by date.
We went to a housewarming come bonfire party last night. That kind of works; let's warm the house by lighting a great big fire. I don't know why more people don't wait to complete on their house purchases until a couple of days before bonfire night.
I reckon one of the guests must have been in the Boy Scouts when they were younger. When the fireworks started, they not only pulled out a paparazzi-style camera, but they also erected a tripod! Is it just me, or is that a little too prepared?
Tripod Camera Person: Hello Marge [partner of Tripod Camera Person], don't forget we are going to that party tonight, so we need to get a few things to take.
Marge: Oh yes, I'll get some flowers for the hosts, a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine.
Tripod Camera Person: I'll get a card from the shop, oh, and I'll also pack that really professional looking camera tripod in order to take pictures of the fireworks.
Does that not happen in your house?
I also played a short text game of Mornington Crescent with Simon (Yes the original challenger, to coin a phrase from Danny Wallace):
Me: Fancy a game of Mornington Crescent? Normal Rules, bi-laterals count double. I'll start by sacrificing Seven Sisters: tooting Bec.
Simon: I'm afraid that makes no sense to me. You should apply anyway.
[Perhaps I may have been talking about the project too much.]
Me: Sorry it is from I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue. A game where there are no rules. (you make your own rules up) your turn.
Simon: I take Pimlico and raise you a Cockfosters.
Me: Ah, you have been studying the Karpov Dilemma. Forward counts for three, and I have a community chest. So: Friern Barnet.
Simon: Predictable. Friern Barnet is a type 2 so I have to employ the Yuri Gargarin method. Over the river puts me in a bit of a fix, but I'm afraid it's whitechapel.
Me: Anyway, Mornington Crescent. (denotes end of game)
This is a very short version of the game. I recommend any more serious players to go to the Radio Four message board:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbradio4/F2766775?thread=4082448&skip=440&show=20
There is one game on this board that has been going on since April.
I have to admit that I am looking at the paper, and becoming a little disheartened. Most of the jobs on page ten have passed their apply-by date.
Friday, November 02, 2007
Friday 2nd November 2007
I returned to work today to around 60 odd e-mails. That will teach me for being sick. I set about getting through the madness of what had gone on in my absence when:
To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: A bad day for france
Nobby 2 v 6 Eddie
1st leg southend to brentford
Eddie raced into an almost immediate lead on joining M25 but could not hold on as I entered Hertfordshire. 1 - 1. South Mimms appears to be temporarily French?? 2 - 1.
Imagine my delight when Eddie rammed home a hattrick in the space of a minute! 2 - 4. I must admit to a small shout of 'yes'. Is that wrong? Despite 3 James Irlam pitch invasions Eddie kept the pressure on an the fifth was slotted in just after the M1. 2 - 5.
A cheeky sixth at Rickmansworth finished off the Frenchies. 2 - 6. Bring on the 2nd leg. Report to follow.
To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: Putting England back on the map
Nobby 4 v 7 Eddie
6 - 13 On aggregate
2nd leg brentford to southend
After a wasted journey to Brentford I was looking forward to the 2nd leg with a very comfortable margin. Started well. Two early Eddie's just after M4 and just before M1. 0 - 2.
Needing a pee I turned off a South Mimms. On the slip road I pulled up behind a Nobby. The ref would not listen to my cries of offside. 1 - 2. Possibly enjoying this too much?? A turn for the worse when Nobby brought out the big guns - 2 tankers at the Holmesdale tunnel. 3 - 2.
I suspect the dirty burger van man was making a killing in Waltham Abbey - another hattrick for Eddie!3 - 5.
A straggler just after that made it 3 - 6.
The A12 gave Nobby a consolation. 4 - 6.
I though that would be that until just as I was turning off at the A127 Eddie started to run round the Frenchies with his willy hanging out. 4 - 7.
What a fantastic game of Norbert Dentressangle V Eddie Stobart! 6-13 on aggregate!
This was from my boss, Steve. I can see this game catching on. Not only that, but it put my game on the way to Feltham into absolute shame. Good work.
Anyway, tonight I got in and there was no food in the house. Not surprising, as I had been cooped up in bed for a couple of days, and Nicky has been working very hard. So I decided to test out the Doctor's potion by having an Indian meal delivered. Kill or cure, I reckon. For the record, chicken rogan josh, pilau rice, naan, vegetable passanda, and some onion bahjees.
The chain smoking spider has been on a little adventure this evening. She normally never ventures outside the picture rail, but tonight she was a good window away from home. Perhaps she was inspired by our epic journey to Switzerland last weekend. The picture shows the recently discovered arachnid enjoying the pleasure of smoking.
I have never seen a health warning on the side of a cigarette packet that says smoking is harmful to those spiders around you, so I think I am on safe ground when it comes to the RSPCA and such like. (She is to the right of the pair of gloves for all chain smoking spider aficionados).
What I did notice was a couple more orbs...
No responses from e-mail today from any jobs, and I have not heard from tenuk.
I returned to work today to around 60 odd e-mails. That will teach me for being sick. I set about getting through the madness of what had gone on in my absence when:
To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: A bad day for france
Nobby 2 v 6 Eddie
1st leg southend to brentford
Eddie raced into an almost immediate lead on joining M25 but could not hold on as I entered Hertfordshire. 1 - 1. South Mimms appears to be temporarily French?? 2 - 1.
Imagine my delight when Eddie rammed home a hattrick in the space of a minute! 2 - 4. I must admit to a small shout of 'yes'. Is that wrong? Despite 3 James Irlam pitch invasions Eddie kept the pressure on an the fifth was slotted in just after the M1. 2 - 5.
A cheeky sixth at Rickmansworth finished off the Frenchies. 2 - 6. Bring on the 2nd leg. Report to follow.
To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: Putting England back on the map
Nobby 4 v 7 Eddie
6 - 13 On aggregate
2nd leg brentford to southend
After a wasted journey to Brentford I was looking forward to the 2nd leg with a very comfortable margin. Started well. Two early Eddie's just after M4 and just before M1. 0 - 2.
Needing a pee I turned off a South Mimms. On the slip road I pulled up behind a Nobby. The ref would not listen to my cries of offside. 1 - 2. Possibly enjoying this too much?? A turn for the worse when Nobby brought out the big guns - 2 tankers at the Holmesdale tunnel. 3 - 2.
I suspect the dirty burger van man was making a killing in Waltham Abbey - another hattrick for Eddie!3 - 5.
A straggler just after that made it 3 - 6.
The A12 gave Nobby a consolation. 4 - 6.
I though that would be that until just as I was turning off at the A127 Eddie started to run round the Frenchies with his willy hanging out. 4 - 7.
What a fantastic game of Norbert Dentressangle V Eddie Stobart! 6-13 on aggregate!
This was from my boss, Steve. I can see this game catching on. Not only that, but it put my game on the way to Feltham into absolute shame. Good work.
Anyway, tonight I got in and there was no food in the house. Not surprising, as I had been cooped up in bed for a couple of days, and Nicky has been working very hard. So I decided to test out the Doctor's potion by having an Indian meal delivered. Kill or cure, I reckon. For the record, chicken rogan josh, pilau rice, naan, vegetable passanda, and some onion bahjees.
The chain smoking spider has been on a little adventure this evening. She normally never ventures outside the picture rail, but tonight she was a good window away from home. Perhaps she was inspired by our epic journey to Switzerland last weekend. The picture shows the recently discovered arachnid enjoying the pleasure of smoking.
I have never seen a health warning on the side of a cigarette packet that says smoking is harmful to those spiders around you, so I think I am on safe ground when it comes to the RSPCA and such like. (She is to the right of the pair of gloves for all chain smoking spider aficionados).
What I did notice was a couple more orbs...
No responses from e-mail today from any jobs, and I have not heard from tenuk.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Thursday November 1st 2007
Applications: 57 Rejections: 3 Replies: 18 (17 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
I have not worked on my project for a couple of days. This is not because I have been abducted by the strange Ghosties in Barry's picture, but rather I have been abducted by a strange stomach bug.
I was taken away on Wednesday morning and left in a strange world.
The world was basically my bedroom with the lights shut, and me in a foetal position, with quite a lot of abdominal pain. Then the strange bug would lead me to the bathroom at fairly regular intervals to make me do things I did not want to do.
I went to the doctor today, and he told me I had:
"Some kind of stomach bug."
Thanks Doctor. I don't reckon that my Doctor and the person that named Blue-Tongue Disease would get on at all well.
Anyway, he gave me some kind of milky thing to drink which I think has worked.
Again, it has been proven that the Guardian Jobs gods know when you are not working. I have had no responses from anyone this evening. I had better crack on with the next job.
I now realise, what with all of the excitement over Switzerland, and being abducted by the bug, that I have not applied for a job in over seven days!!!
London Business School are looking for a Development Associate.
'You will manage an international portfolio of 150 top prospects to ensure they are solicited for gifts of £50k-£2m for institutional priorities.'
Hmm, I have already encountered someone soliciting my details earlier on in this newspaper, so I am a bit wary.
Dear Madam/Sir
I read with more than a considerable amount of interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I was particularly interested in your excellent recreational facilities, including on-site swimming pool, spa pool, sauna, and fully equipped gym.
I have recently applied for another job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, and was led up the garden path. I hope that your request for me to solicit money from an international portfolio is all legitimate and above board.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
St George's Deadline 19/10/07.
Mentoring and Befriending 8/10/07.
Southend College 12/10/07. (Pants that was local too!)
West Midlands Police 15/10/07.
Amnesty Inernational 15/10/07 (not that I would have applied anyway).
Arts Educational School 8/10/07.
Hmm, I spot a trend here.
Thank you,
your application/query has been received. We will be in touch with you in due course,
Regards
Recruitment Administrator
This is an automated email, please do not respond
Blimey, that was quick.
A quick update for anyone that is concerned about Lenny's ear. It does appear to be healing, and does not smell so much anymore. There were a few days there when we were not sat next to each other on the bus.
I was on one side of the aisle, and he was sat on the other.
Well, I didn't want him to catch my strange stomach bug.
Applications: 57 Rejections: 3 Replies: 18 (17 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
I have not worked on my project for a couple of days. This is not because I have been abducted by the strange Ghosties in Barry's picture, but rather I have been abducted by a strange stomach bug.
I was taken away on Wednesday morning and left in a strange world.
The world was basically my bedroom with the lights shut, and me in a foetal position, with quite a lot of abdominal pain. Then the strange bug would lead me to the bathroom at fairly regular intervals to make me do things I did not want to do.
I went to the doctor today, and he told me I had:
"Some kind of stomach bug."
Thanks Doctor. I don't reckon that my Doctor and the person that named Blue-Tongue Disease would get on at all well.
Anyway, he gave me some kind of milky thing to drink which I think has worked.
Again, it has been proven that the Guardian Jobs gods know when you are not working. I have had no responses from anyone this evening. I had better crack on with the next job.
I now realise, what with all of the excitement over Switzerland, and being abducted by the bug, that I have not applied for a job in over seven days!!!
London Business School are looking for a Development Associate.
'You will manage an international portfolio of 150 top prospects to ensure they are solicited for gifts of £50k-£2m for institutional priorities.'
Hmm, I have already encountered someone soliciting my details earlier on in this newspaper, so I am a bit wary.
Dear Madam/Sir
I read with more than a considerable amount of interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I was particularly interested in your excellent recreational facilities, including on-site swimming pool, spa pool, sauna, and fully equipped gym.
I have recently applied for another job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, and was led up the garden path. I hope that your request for me to solicit money from an international portfolio is all legitimate and above board.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
St George's Deadline 19/10/07.
Mentoring and Befriending 8/10/07.
Southend College 12/10/07. (Pants that was local too!)
West Midlands Police 15/10/07.
Amnesty Inernational 15/10/07 (not that I would have applied anyway).
Arts Educational School 8/10/07.
Hmm, I spot a trend here.
Thank you,
your application/query has been received. We will be in touch with you in due course,
Regards
Recruitment Administrator
This is an automated email, please do not respond
Blimey, that was quick.
A quick update for anyone that is concerned about Lenny's ear. It does appear to be healing, and does not smell so much anymore. There were a few days there when we were not sat next to each other on the bus.
I was on one side of the aisle, and he was sat on the other.
Well, I didn't want him to catch my strange stomach bug.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
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