Monday 21st January 2008
Just to clarify, I did not use Lindsey's toothbrush, thinking that it was mine.
Just making it clear.
So, page 26 starts with the University of Hertfordshire. Business Analyst (Systems and Planning), and a Business Information Officer. APD 15/10/07.
Gordonyates; Agency.
Not a good start.
Development Manager for The Charleston Trust (Charity). However I did not know that:
'Charleston, set in the beautiful Sussex Countryside, is the former home of the Bloomsbury Artists Duncan Grant and Vanessa Bell. Owned band run by the Charleston Trust it is one of Britain's most successful small museums.'
Every day is a school day.
Walsall Council wanted YOS Practictioners (3 posts):
'Opportunities exist within the successful Youth Offending Services as it consolidates and progresses into a further period of development in the implementation of the Crime and Disorder Act 1998.'
1998?
That is ten years ago. I reckon they need to practice YOS a bit more often.
Westmister Children's Society, wanted people in Dagenham. It is a shame that it is a charity.
At last a job I can apply for...
Arrow Therapeutics wants an Office Manager.
Dear Madam/sir
I noticed your advert in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I appreciate that I am nearly four months late, but I would like to apply for your Office Manager position.
I tried to connect to your web site this evening, but it was unavailable, therefore I have little to go on.
Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
And then...
Dear Peter
I was inspired by your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I noticed that your travel writing workshops were held on the 13th October and the 10th November 2007. Do you intend to repeat the workshops this year?
I look forward to your earliest response.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
University of Central Lancashire; UCLAN Makes you think:
'Senior Data Management Oficer
£25,134-£29,139, Market rate supplement to maximum £30,913 (reviewed annually)
1 year limited contract'
Really, where did they pull these numbers from? Let's enter a random set of numbers into the job advert. It could have been:
£54,321
or
£43,521
or
£12,345.
What gets me is that it is a one year limited contract (i.e. over in a year), and your salary is reviewed annually.
Closing date 12/10/07.
We have our interviews on Thursday. These are the interviews that determine whether we get to keep our jobs. The beauty in this is that I have been having the weirdest anxiety dreams in the world, and I look forward to more this evening.
I have fallen from the top of Canary Wharf twice over the last week.
I dreamt that all my work colleagues were stuck in the meeting room, talking rubbish for two hours, before pointing at me to take the blame for someone's boiler leaking on the feet of their recently purchased siamese cat.
I have been back on the banks of the Thames in London on the Millenium, more than once in the last week. My friend from uni, big Jim, trying to hold back the crowd as they surged towards the river. The river was set alight with fireworks, with Jim shouting:
"There is nothing to see here."
The point is people are people.
The corporation does not appreciate the affect it has on everyone.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Sunday, January 20, 2008
Sunday 20th January 2008
Yesterday, we went to visit a friend of mine from university (The first time around), Garrett, his wife Lindsey and their daughter. The more observant will have noticed that I forgot to send Garrett a birthday card last year.
Garrett and I met for the first time at Bath University. I pitched up, with my Mum and Dad in tow on my first day. We all faffed around for a while, before my parents and entourage left me on my own, for the first time.
It was very daunting.
Stuck in a breeze block room, that was so small, it was a lucky thing that I didn't have a cat that liked to be swung.
Bambi-like, I timidly ventured out into the corridor. The first place I headed to was the communal toilets.
As you do.
Garrett was in the toilets/washroom, shaving. This area was shared between 26 student flats. You can imagine the state that this area found itself in after a few weeks. So Garrett was the first person I met in my new adult life.
Garrett; "Alright? My name is Garrett." (Extending his hand)
Me: "Yes I'm ok, my name is Ian." (Shaking Garrett's hand, yes I am a proper adult now.)
Garrett: "Do you want a beer?"
Me: "Well ok then."
It was a bit more convoluted than that, but essentially Garrett and I were destined to be friends for a long time; that was 17 years ago.
Garrett is the type of friend that I was quite happy to take home to my parents' house. The first time he went to the shop in the Forest of Dean, he brought flowers for my Mum. It was the first time in my life that I had seen this politeness, especially from a student.
Ever since then Garrett has played an incredibly important part in my life. He is the reason I am with Nicky today. Most people at Bath University actually managed to graduate, sadly I did not quite manage to. I left mid way through everyone's third year. As a consequence, I moved back home to Gloucester and I used to meet up with my graduated friends in London (That's where they all were) on the weekends.
One weekend, I was staying at Garrett's flat in Clapham, and we went to the Wessex Rooms night club. This is where I met Nicky. We have been together ever since.
So thank you Garrett, you have been one of the most important people in my life.
Erm...sorry I forgot your birthday card.
The fabulous thing about Garrett and Lindsey is that we haven't seen them for 2 and a half years, and yet when we walked in their house, it was as if we had seen them only this morning. The rugby was on the telly, and we all just sat down and didn't really say anything. We didn't need to. It was a kind of home from home. A friend of theirs came in to watch the rugby, called Damien. I introduced myself, having never seen this bloke in my life before, and he said:
"Oh hello Ian, I met you in Bath, you used to drive a white Astra."
That was seventeen years ago!!!
What a memory.
We had a great evening of general reminiscing and merriment. It is odd to think how grown up we all are. Garrett and Lindsey, Mum and Dad? Dad and Mum, see above. They make bloody good parents.
We learnt last night that Lindsey's Mum has been married three times. Guess what? All three men that she has been married to are called Peter. All three of them! How brilliant is that? I can kind of see how it might happen once.
But, for this to happen twice? Fantastic.
When I was at university (the first time) people used to call me Bob. This is because I bore a vague resemblance to Bob Mortimer. However, Garrett always called me E, and I always called Garrett G. Looking back now, it seems that Garrett always knew that Bob was an alter ego, not the real me. He also must have realised that we would still be in contact long after the madness of student life.
We woke up this morning and descended the stairs. It took a while to work out how to unlock the child gate thing, but it was all good. Once we had had coffee, and generally played with makka paka (a small teddy bear), and Florence the floppy bunny, we went upstairs to do our ablutions.
Now last night I did the usual thing, sitting up with G, talking about how I never finish things, drinking beer, and then going to bed without cleaning my teeth (Incidentally, if you want to sleep in the best duvet in the world, have a word with G and L).
When I went into the bathroom, my toothbrush was on the side of the sink.
What?
I went into Nicky, who was in the bedroom:
Me: Did you use my toothbrush last night?
Nicky: No Why?
Me: Well it is on the side of the sink.
It turns out that Lindsey uses the identical toothbrush to me. Now this may not seem too weird to people, but it was the same make, she had chosen the same colour band to put around it (blue), and had bought a special whitening head, as I had done.
I need to crack on...
Joslin Rowe, a recruitment company geared specifically for women. I guessed that form the pink. Having sat in a lecture with Prof Jane Lewis, I wondered what she might have to say about gender specific roles in the employment market.
Harrison Pursey, an agency for pit-bull terriers.
Philharmonia Orchestra wanted a Donor Development Manager and a Friends Manager.
Board Works needed a Senior Editor in Humanities and English, and Spanish and French, Maths and Science Editorial Assistants. APD 12th October 2007.
TNS hundreds of vacancies, see above.
Eclipse, property specialists! Hang on... Agency.
Chartered institute of Library and Information Professionals or Cilip. Come on, we have all heard of these people. Charity.
Handle: recruitment consultants.
END OF PAGE 25!!!!!!
Yesterday, we went to visit a friend of mine from university (The first time around), Garrett, his wife Lindsey and their daughter. The more observant will have noticed that I forgot to send Garrett a birthday card last year.
Garrett and I met for the first time at Bath University. I pitched up, with my Mum and Dad in tow on my first day. We all faffed around for a while, before my parents and entourage left me on my own, for the first time.
It was very daunting.
Stuck in a breeze block room, that was so small, it was a lucky thing that I didn't have a cat that liked to be swung.
Bambi-like, I timidly ventured out into the corridor. The first place I headed to was the communal toilets.
As you do.
Garrett was in the toilets/washroom, shaving. This area was shared between 26 student flats. You can imagine the state that this area found itself in after a few weeks. So Garrett was the first person I met in my new adult life.
Garrett; "Alright? My name is Garrett." (Extending his hand)
Me: "Yes I'm ok, my name is Ian." (Shaking Garrett's hand, yes I am a proper adult now.)
Garrett: "Do you want a beer?"
Me: "Well ok then."
It was a bit more convoluted than that, but essentially Garrett and I were destined to be friends for a long time; that was 17 years ago.
Garrett is the type of friend that I was quite happy to take home to my parents' house. The first time he went to the shop in the Forest of Dean, he brought flowers for my Mum. It was the first time in my life that I had seen this politeness, especially from a student.
Ever since then Garrett has played an incredibly important part in my life. He is the reason I am with Nicky today. Most people at Bath University actually managed to graduate, sadly I did not quite manage to. I left mid way through everyone's third year. As a consequence, I moved back home to Gloucester and I used to meet up with my graduated friends in London (That's where they all were) on the weekends.
One weekend, I was staying at Garrett's flat in Clapham, and we went to the Wessex Rooms night club. This is where I met Nicky. We have been together ever since.
So thank you Garrett, you have been one of the most important people in my life.
Erm...sorry I forgot your birthday card.
The fabulous thing about Garrett and Lindsey is that we haven't seen them for 2 and a half years, and yet when we walked in their house, it was as if we had seen them only this morning. The rugby was on the telly, and we all just sat down and didn't really say anything. We didn't need to. It was a kind of home from home. A friend of theirs came in to watch the rugby, called Damien. I introduced myself, having never seen this bloke in my life before, and he said:
"Oh hello Ian, I met you in Bath, you used to drive a white Astra."
That was seventeen years ago!!!
What a memory.
We had a great evening of general reminiscing and merriment. It is odd to think how grown up we all are. Garrett and Lindsey, Mum and Dad? Dad and Mum, see above. They make bloody good parents.
We learnt last night that Lindsey's Mum has been married three times. Guess what? All three men that she has been married to are called Peter. All three of them! How brilliant is that? I can kind of see how it might happen once.
But, for this to happen twice? Fantastic.
When I was at university (the first time) people used to call me Bob. This is because I bore a vague resemblance to Bob Mortimer. However, Garrett always called me E, and I always called Garrett G. Looking back now, it seems that Garrett always knew that Bob was an alter ego, not the real me. He also must have realised that we would still be in contact long after the madness of student life.
We woke up this morning and descended the stairs. It took a while to work out how to unlock the child gate thing, but it was all good. Once we had had coffee, and generally played with makka paka (a small teddy bear), and Florence the floppy bunny, we went upstairs to do our ablutions.
Now last night I did the usual thing, sitting up with G, talking about how I never finish things, drinking beer, and then going to bed without cleaning my teeth (Incidentally, if you want to sleep in the best duvet in the world, have a word with G and L).
When I went into the bathroom, my toothbrush was on the side of the sink.
What?
I went into Nicky, who was in the bedroom:
Me: Did you use my toothbrush last night?
Nicky: No Why?
Me: Well it is on the side of the sink.
It turns out that Lindsey uses the identical toothbrush to me. Now this may not seem too weird to people, but it was the same make, she had chosen the same colour band to put around it (blue), and had bought a special whitening head, as I had done.
I need to crack on...
Joslin Rowe, a recruitment company geared specifically for women. I guessed that form the pink. Having sat in a lecture with Prof Jane Lewis, I wondered what she might have to say about gender specific roles in the employment market.
Harrison Pursey, an agency for pit-bull terriers.
Philharmonia Orchestra wanted a Donor Development Manager and a Friends Manager.
Board Works needed a Senior Editor in Humanities and English, and Spanish and French, Maths and Science Editorial Assistants. APD 12th October 2007.
TNS hundreds of vacancies, see above.
Eclipse, property specialists! Hang on... Agency.
Chartered institute of Library and Information Professionals or Cilip. Come on, we have all heard of these people. Charity.
Handle: recruitment consultants.
END OF PAGE 25!!!!!!
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Saturday 19th January 2008
I received a fantastic reply this morning. The e-mail was sent at 7.20 a.m. this morning. Te refresh my memory I looked back to how I replied to Chelsea Square. I applied on the 4th January with:
Dear Michael
I fumbled across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I would like to apply for your position as Designer/Specifier.
I can not confess to be conversant with autoCAD. Is this one of those new computer games that you can talk to? I do not know of it, but I am willing to learn.
I do have a high level of design creativity, and a great deal of spatial awareness. In my opinion, Ursa Major looks nothing like a great bear, and as for the hunter Orion, I ask you.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The response from Michael:
Ian,
Thank you for stumbling across our advert. I’m sorry for the late reply but have only just been discharged after my gender change operation. I am afraid we have filled the position, but we would like to offer you opportunity to apply for the vacancy of hole punch assistant. This is a part time position offering 36 minutes a week and feel that with your strong creativity skills you would be the ideal candidate. The salary is pro rata 50p per annum and you will of course be required to work shifts which shall include nights.
Please feel free to drop me a line should you have any questions.
Kind Regards
Michael Lansley
Well done Michael, you join a fairly exclusive club that includes Tottenham Hotspur and Patrick Meiier, a Swiss Banker.
I received a fantastic reply this morning. The e-mail was sent at 7.20 a.m. this morning. Te refresh my memory I looked back to how I replied to Chelsea Square. I applied on the 4th January with:
Dear Michael
I fumbled across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I would like to apply for your position as Designer/Specifier.
I can not confess to be conversant with autoCAD. Is this one of those new computer games that you can talk to? I do not know of it, but I am willing to learn.
I do have a high level of design creativity, and a great deal of spatial awareness. In my opinion, Ursa Major looks nothing like a great bear, and as for the hunter Orion, I ask you.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The response from Michael:
Ian,
Thank you for stumbling across our advert. I’m sorry for the late reply but have only just been discharged after my gender change operation. I am afraid we have filled the position, but we would like to offer you opportunity to apply for the vacancy of hole punch assistant. This is a part time position offering 36 minutes a week and feel that with your strong creativity skills you would be the ideal candidate. The salary is pro rata 50p per annum and you will of course be required to work shifts which shall include nights.
Please feel free to drop me a line should you have any questions.
Kind Regards
Michael Lansley
Well done Michael, you join a fairly exclusive club that includes Tottenham Hotspur and Patrick Meiier, a Swiss Banker.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Thursday 17th January 2008
There is some fantastic news for spider lovers! The chain smoking spider must have produced an offspring before she popped her spider clogs of spider lung cancer. There is a new diddy spider that comes to the back window. I reckon this may have been as a result of the donation to Cancer Research UK. These people are brilliant, please give generously.
No responses today from job applications. Apart from an answer machine message from Harriet at Foxtons. They want me to contact them regarding my job application. Now forgive me, dear reader, but are these people mad? I really do not want to work for an estate agents, but they want to speak to me about my application. I applied to them on the 7th of January with:
Dear Harriet
I noted your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I appreciate that I am a bit late in applying, but I would like to apply anyway.
This is in spite of the fact that I have no Photoshop skills, no knowledge of Quark Express, Illustrator or Acrobat.
I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
They want me to call them. I'll do it tomorrow, this should be interesting.
Me: Hello, I am returning your message.
Harriet: Yes, you want to be an image retoucher?
Me: Well, not really.
Harriet: Your application mentioned you do not have any of the skills that we require.
Me: Nope, I do not have the skills that you require.
Harriet: Great! When can you start?
The Arch Nemesis is looking for a Medical Workforce Assistant/Medical Recruitment Administrator. Closing date 15th October.
Royal College of Nursing Admin Assistant: Charity.
DINAS A SIR ABERTAWE, wanted an exhibitions assistant, but the application form is no longer on the website.
I have noticed that when you put petrol in nowadays, the Pounds counter goes up quicker than the litres counter.
All very odd.
There is some fantastic news for spider lovers! The chain smoking spider must have produced an offspring before she popped her spider clogs of spider lung cancer. There is a new diddy spider that comes to the back window. I reckon this may have been as a result of the donation to Cancer Research UK. These people are brilliant, please give generously.
No responses today from job applications. Apart from an answer machine message from Harriet at Foxtons. They want me to contact them regarding my job application. Now forgive me, dear reader, but are these people mad? I really do not want to work for an estate agents, but they want to speak to me about my application. I applied to them on the 7th of January with:
Dear Harriet
I noted your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I appreciate that I am a bit late in applying, but I would like to apply anyway.
This is in spite of the fact that I have no Photoshop skills, no knowledge of Quark Express, Illustrator or Acrobat.
I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
They want me to call them. I'll do it tomorrow, this should be interesting.
Me: Hello, I am returning your message.
Harriet: Yes, you want to be an image retoucher?
Me: Well, not really.
Harriet: Your application mentioned you do not have any of the skills that we require.
Me: Nope, I do not have the skills that you require.
Harriet: Great! When can you start?
The Arch Nemesis is looking for a Medical Workforce Assistant/Medical Recruitment Administrator. Closing date 15th October.
Royal College of Nursing Admin Assistant: Charity.
DINAS A SIR ABERTAWE, wanted an exhibitions assistant, but the application form is no longer on the website.
I have noticed that when you put petrol in nowadays, the Pounds counter goes up quicker than the litres counter.
All very odd.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Wednesday 16th January 2008
It always amuses me at night, when I am dating this blog. I do the Peter Kay, looking at the watch thing when I want to check the date. Well observed Peter.
I spent the day in the fine county of Kent. To be precise, in Bromley and Dartford. As discussed earlier, it is all glamour here.
Now, one thing did strike me. The M25 is a fairly major road when getting around the South East. I mean, it is sign posted from here in Southend, and it is 19 miles away. However, the good people in Kent don't seem to want to know about it. Given that the M25 is probably only five miles from Bromley, do you think I could find a road sign for it? I ended up going back to the Blackwall Tunnel and back out again; plain ridiculous.
The road journey back from Dartford ended in a boring one-nil win for the French. I mean, sneaking in from the left just after the Dartford Tunnel; I ask you. I liken it to an Eric Cantona, except without the trawlers, or for that matter the seagulls. For better measure it is not like him at all.
Informa healthcare wanted two reporters.
Dear Alex
I am writing following your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
The apply by date was the 26th of October. I appreciate that I am three months late in applying.
Your advertisement asked that the candidate has strong pharmaceutical knowledge. Recently, the spam guard has broken at work, and we have been receiving countless e-mails about Viagra. This is a blue pill that particularly helped one man who had undergone a prostate cancer operation.
You also asked that the applicant should have a strong knowledge of German. I recently bought a pair of socks, knitted by a Swiss Granny. The entire transaction was carried out in German.
I hope that you will consider my application, even though it is ridiculously late.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
PS I have attached my CV
HCL Fairstaff: Agency.
The booksellers Association; charity.
Current Archaeology want a Magazine Designer. (Be honest, did you know Archaeology had an 'a' in it?)
APD 19/10/07.
END OF PAGE 24!!!!!
It always amuses me at night, when I am dating this blog. I do the Peter Kay, looking at the watch thing when I want to check the date. Well observed Peter.
I spent the day in the fine county of Kent. To be precise, in Bromley and Dartford. As discussed earlier, it is all glamour here.
Now, one thing did strike me. The M25 is a fairly major road when getting around the South East. I mean, it is sign posted from here in Southend, and it is 19 miles away. However, the good people in Kent don't seem to want to know about it. Given that the M25 is probably only five miles from Bromley, do you think I could find a road sign for it? I ended up going back to the Blackwall Tunnel and back out again; plain ridiculous.
The road journey back from Dartford ended in a boring one-nil win for the French. I mean, sneaking in from the left just after the Dartford Tunnel; I ask you. I liken it to an Eric Cantona, except without the trawlers, or for that matter the seagulls. For better measure it is not like him at all.
Informa healthcare wanted two reporters.
Dear Alex
I am writing following your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
The apply by date was the 26th of October. I appreciate that I am three months late in applying.
Your advertisement asked that the candidate has strong pharmaceutical knowledge. Recently, the spam guard has broken at work, and we have been receiving countless e-mails about Viagra. This is a blue pill that particularly helped one man who had undergone a prostate cancer operation.
You also asked that the applicant should have a strong knowledge of German. I recently bought a pair of socks, knitted by a Swiss Granny. The entire transaction was carried out in German.
I hope that you will consider my application, even though it is ridiculously late.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
PS I have attached my CV
HCL Fairstaff: Agency.
The booksellers Association; charity.
Current Archaeology want a Magazine Designer. (Be honest, did you know Archaeology had an 'a' in it?)
APD 19/10/07.
END OF PAGE 24!!!!!
Tuesday 15th January 2008
Work was fun again. Sword of Damocles does not quite cover it.
Anyway, £5.07 has been donated to Cancer Research; it is quite simple to do online.
Dear Mr Carpenter [well it was Barry really]
Thank you very much for your kind gift of £5.07 to support the work of Cancer Research UK. Your donation will go towards research into the causes of cancer, and help find effective ways to detect, treat and prevent the disease.
Cancer Research UK supports the work of around 3,500 scientists, doctors and nurses and undertakes a comprehensive programme of research in institutes, hospitals and universities throughout Britain and Northern Ireland.
Please keep this safe in case you have any queries. You might like to print this email or save it to your computer hard drive.
If you have any questions or would like further information on the work of Cancer Research UK, please do not hesitate to get in touch on 020 7121 6699 or by email at supporter.services@cancer.org.uk.
Yours sincerely
Claire Wilson
Head of Supporter Services
Cancer Research UK
No e-mails again this evening, so on with the jobs.
Digital UK were looking for a Press Officer, but the apply by date was 25/10/07.
Bespoke, Adrem, E J Church and Gordonyates are all recruitment companies.
Reveal wanted a Senior Writer:
'Do you have what it takes to work in a celebrity lifestyle weekly? Are you a skilled journalist, who has experience in doorsteps, doorknocking and is happy to travel from New Orleans to Newport in pursuit of an exclusive?'
I so wanted to apply to this, but apply by date has passed, and you have got to have a system.
Work was fun again. Sword of Damocles does not quite cover it.
Anyway, £5.07 has been donated to Cancer Research; it is quite simple to do online.
Dear Mr Carpenter [well it was Barry really]
Thank you very much for your kind gift of £5.07 to support the work of Cancer Research UK. Your donation will go towards research into the causes of cancer, and help find effective ways to detect, treat and prevent the disease.
Cancer Research UK supports the work of around 3,500 scientists, doctors and nurses and undertakes a comprehensive programme of research in institutes, hospitals and universities throughout Britain and Northern Ireland.
Please keep this safe in case you have any queries. You might like to print this email or save it to your computer hard drive.
If you have any questions or would like further information on the work of Cancer Research UK, please do not hesitate to get in touch on 020 7121 6699 or by email at supporter.services@cancer.org.uk.
Yours sincerely
Claire Wilson
Head of Supporter Services
Cancer Research UK
No e-mails again this evening, so on with the jobs.
Digital UK were looking for a Press Officer, but the apply by date was 25/10/07.
Bespoke, Adrem, E J Church and Gordonyates are all recruitment companies.
Reveal wanted a Senior Writer:
'Do you have what it takes to work in a celebrity lifestyle weekly? Are you a skilled journalist, who has experience in doorsteps, doorknocking and is happy to travel from New Orleans to Newport in pursuit of an exclusive?'
I so wanted to apply to this, but apply by date has passed, and you have got to have a system.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
