Monday 5th November 2007

Applications: 58 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

The Zygos Partnership (remember them) have finally turned me down:

RESEARCH CONSULTANT POSITION
Thank you for your email enclosing a copy of your CV with reference to the above role which I have read with care.
There have been a number of candidates who more closely match the skills set and experience required for this position, so unfortunately on this occasion, you have not been successful in your application.
Nevertheless, may I take this opportunity to thank you for writing to The Zygos Partnership and wish you every success with your future career.
Yours sincerely
The Zygos Partnership
15 Sloane Square
London
SW1W 8ER

Oh well, at least I won't be found hanging from Neap Bridge.

I have been looking at the jobs on page ten. As discussed above, well I say discussed, more mentioned. The jobs on this page are no more, they have expired, they have ceased to be.

Dear reader, please feel free to let your mind wander as I mention all of the expired jobs and their apply-by dates on this page:

The Guardian (5/10/07) media research data analyst, Marketing Officer for the NCB (14/10/07), Senior Marketing Officer and Press Officer for the Warrington Borough Council (11/10/07), Communications and administration Officer for the UK Coalition Against Poverty (24/10/07), Head of Finance for RICHMIX (12/10/07), Marketing Assistant at Fairfield Halls Croydon (12/10/07).

One little gem at the end does not have a reply by date! English Language Sales Manager for Ivy Group.


www.ivy-group.co.uk/jobs

Apparently, I have to apply to someone called Alistair Campbell.

It can't be.

Surely not.

Dear Alistair

I note with some considerable interest your position for English Language Sales Manager advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Firstly, are you really Alistair Campbell?

If so, I have bought your book, The Tony Blair Years. I have to admit that I have been a bit busy recently, so I have not had a chance to read it from cover to cover. However, whenever I get a spare couple of weeks, I will give it my full attention.

I am not sure exactly what the advertisement meant. Do I have to sell the English language to other people?

I would welcome some clarification on this matter.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Well let's see what happens.

End of page ten!

Sunday 4th November 2007

We went to a housewarming come bonfire party last night. That kind of works; let's warm the house by lighting a great big fire. I don't know why more people don't wait to complete on their house purchases until a couple of days before bonfire night.

I reckon one of the guests must have been in the Boy Scouts when they were younger. When the fireworks started, they not only pulled out a paparazzi-style camera, but they also erected a tripod! Is it just me, or is that a little too prepared?

Tripod Camera Person: Hello Marge [partner of Tripod Camera Person], don't forget we are going to that party tonight, so we need to get a few things to take.

Marge: Oh yes, I'll get some flowers for the hosts, a bottle of red and a bottle of white wine.

Tripod Camera Person: I'll get a card from the shop, oh, and I'll also pack that really professional looking camera tripod in order to take pictures of the fireworks.

Does that not happen in your house?

I also played a short text game of Mornington Crescent with Simon (Yes the original challenger, to coin a phrase from Danny Wallace):

Me: Fancy a game of Mornington Crescent? Normal Rules, bi-laterals count double. I'll start by sacrificing Seven Sisters: tooting Bec.

Simon: I'm afraid that makes no sense to me. You should apply anyway.

[Perhaps I may have been talking about the project too much.]

Me: Sorry it is from I'm Sorry I haven't a Clue. A game where there are no rules. (you make your own rules up) your turn.

Simon: I take Pimlico and raise you a Cockfosters.

Me: Ah, you have been studying the Karpov Dilemma. Forward counts for three, and I have a community chest. So: Friern Barnet.

Simon: Predictable. Friern Barnet is a type 2 so I have to employ the Yuri Gargarin method. Over the river puts me in a bit of a fix, but I'm afraid it's whitechapel.

Me: Anyway, Mornington Crescent. (denotes end of game)

This is a very short version of the game. I recommend any more serious players to go to the Radio Four message board:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/mbradio4/F2766775?thread=4082448&skip=440&show=20

There is one game on this board that has been going on since April.

I have to admit that I am looking at the paper, and becoming a little disheartened. Most of the jobs on page ten have passed their apply-by date.

Friday 2nd November 2007

I returned to work today to around 60 odd e-mails. That will teach me for being sick. I set about getting through the madness of what had gone on in my absence when:


To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: A bad day for france


Nobby 2 v 6 Eddie

1st leg southend to brentford

Eddie raced into an almost immediate lead on joining M25 but could not hold on as I entered Hertfordshire. 1 - 1. South Mimms appears to be temporarily French?? 2 - 1.
Imagine my delight when Eddie rammed home a hattrick in the space of a minute! 2 - 4. I must admit to a small shout of 'yes'. Is that wrong? Despite 3 James Irlam pitch invasions Eddie kept the pressure on an the fifth was slotted in just after the M1. 2 - 5.
A cheeky sixth at Rickmansworth finished off the Frenchies. 2 - 6. Bring on the 2nd leg. Report to follow.

To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: Putting England back on the map


Nobby 4 v 7 Eddie
6 - 13 On aggregate
2nd leg brentford to southend

After a wasted journey to Brentford I was looking forward to the 2nd leg with a very comfortable margin. Started well. Two early Eddie's just after M4 and just before M1. 0 - 2.
Needing a pee I turned off a South Mimms. On the slip road I pulled up behind a Nobby. The ref would not listen to my cries of offside. 1 - 2. Possibly enjoying this too much?? A turn for the worse when Nobby brought out the big guns - 2 tankers at the Holmesdale tunnel. 3 - 2.
I suspect the dirty burger van man was making a killing in Waltham Abbey - another hattrick for Eddie!3 - 5.
A straggler just after that made it 3 - 6.
The A12 gave Nobby a consolation. 4 - 6.
I though that would be that until just as I was turning off at the A127 Eddie started to run round the Frenchies with his willy hanging out. 4 - 7.

What a fantastic game of Norbert Dentressangle V Eddie Stobart! 6-13 on aggregate!

This was from my boss, Steve. I can see this game catching on. Not only that, but it put my game on the way to Feltham into absolute shame. Good work.

Anyway, tonight I got in and there was no food in the house. Not surprising, as I had been cooped up in bed for a couple of days, and Nicky has been working very hard. So I decided to test out the Doctor's potion by having an Indian meal delivered. Kill or cure, I reckon. For the record, chicken rogan josh, pilau rice, naan, vegetable passanda, and some onion bahjees.

The chain smoking spider has been on a little adventure this evening. She normally never ventures outside the picture rail, but tonight she was a good window away from home. Perhaps she was inspired by our epic journey to Switzerland last weekend. The picture shows the recently discovered arachnid enjoying the pleasure of smoking.

I have never seen a health warning on the side of a cigarette packet that says smoking is harmful to those spiders around you, so I think I am on safe ground when it comes to the RSPCA and such like. (She is to the right of the pair of gloves for all chain smoking spider aficionados).

What I did notice was a couple more orbs...

No responses from e-mail today from any jobs, and I have not heard from tenuk.

Thursday November 1st 2007

Applications: 57 Rejections: 3 Replies: 18 (17 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

I have not worked on my project for a couple of days. This is not because I have been abducted by the strange Ghosties in Barry's picture, but rather I have been abducted by a strange stomach bug.

I was taken away on Wednesday morning and left in a strange world.

The world was basically my bedroom with the lights shut, and me in a foetal position, with quite a lot of abdominal pain. Then the strange bug would lead me to the bathroom at fairly regular intervals to make me do things I did not want to do.

I went to the doctor today, and he told me I had:

"Some kind of stomach bug."

Thanks Doctor. I don't reckon that my Doctor and the person that named Blue-Tongue Disease would get on at all well.

Anyway, he gave me some kind of milky thing to drink which I think has worked.

Again, it has been proven that the Guardian Jobs gods know when you are not working. I have had no responses from anyone this evening. I had better crack on with the next job.

I now realise, what with all of the excitement over Switzerland, and being abducted by the bug, that I have not applied for a job in over seven days!!!

London Business School are looking for a Development Associate.

'You will manage an international portfolio of 150 top prospects to ensure they are solicited for gifts of £50k-£2m for institutional priorities.'

Hmm, I have already encountered someone soliciting my details earlier on in this newspaper, so I am a bit wary.

Dear Madam/Sir

I read with more than a considerable amount of interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I was particularly interested in your excellent recreational facilities, including on-site swimming pool, spa pool, sauna, and fully equipped gym.

I have recently applied for another job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, and was led up the garden path. I hope that your request for me to solicit money from an international portfolio is all legitimate and above board.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter


St George's Deadline 19/10/07.
Mentoring and Befriending 8/10/07.
Southend College 12/10/07. (Pants that was local too!)

West Midlands Police 15/10/07.
Amnesty Inernational 15/10/07 (not that I would have applied anyway).
Arts Educational School 8/10/07.

Hmm, I spot a trend here.

Thank you,

your application/query has been received. We will be in touch with you in due course,

Regards

Recruitment Administrator




This is an automated email, please do not respond

Blimey, that was quick.

A quick update for anyone that is concerned about Lenny's ear. It does appear to be healing, and does not smell so much anymore. There were a few days there when we were not sat next to each other on the bus.

I was on one side of the aisle, and he was sat on the other.

Well, I didn't want him to catch my strange stomach bug.

Tuesday 30th October 2007

Applications: 56 Rejections: 3 Replies: 17 (16 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

It was back to work today with a fairly big bump. It seems that all of my properties have leaked water from their various roofs and guttering. That will teach me for having a weekend off.

Anyway, one of the gardeners that I work with sent a bizarre e-mail last night. He has been following the progress of my little project, and was intrigued by the orb in the hair wax photograph. His partner is from The Czech republic, and on a recent visit back to the mother in law, he took the following photograph:

Well here we are another week over and hopefully you are ok and the bridge did not collapse :) anyway first thing is you still did not send me the email about the work you want done and secondly 0--0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0 you thought that your picture of your hair gel was strange with the aura above it........ well for the first time today since i have been back i looked at my pictures from Prauge. we wwere on the Charles Bridge at night and i was taking pictures as you do and i attach a copy of one of them...... This bridge was built in the 13th century so you would expect some stories about ghosts and stuff but take a look at this !!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the bottom of the picture you can see clearly the skeleton of a ghost and this has really freaked me out big time and i am going to bed now as i am downstairs all on my own !!!!!!!!! call me and tell me what you think !!!!!

Barry


How bizarre!!!

It is Halloween coming up, and I am definitely not good with ghosts.

Anyway, Lenny (of sitting on the bus fame), has been in the wars whilst we were away on holiday. He must have been in a little fight with another cat in the local vicinity. He has got an abscess on his left ear. I like to call it, pussy ear that smells of rancid aluminium disease. Have you ever tried to give a cat with an anxiety disorder some antibiotics? Not easy.

We have all seen the Liberal Democrats on the television. They like to talk a bit. Well, dear reader, you may want to skip the next e-mail that I received from them today:

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your email which has been forwarded to me by my colleague Emma Peall. In order to be elected as a Liberal Democrat MP, you first need to be selected by a Local Party as the candidate in their constituency. In order to be selected you will need to apply for inclusion on the list of Liberal Democrat Approved Candidates for the Westminster Parliament. Please note that in order to be assessed for approval you must be a fully paid up Party member of at least 12 months standing. We would recommend that all members seeking approval arrange to pay their membership fees by direct debit, as any lapse in membership may affect approval status. You can contact membership@libdems.org.uk for more details or join via the following link https://www.libdems.org.uk/support/join.html?ref=home.

Please find attached the following documents. In order to maximise your chances of approval it is important that you take time to read all of these thoroughly before completing your application form:

1) Candidates' questionnaire
This self-assessment questionnaire is designed to help you judge whether you are ready to apply for approval, to highlight the areas upon which you will be assessed and help identify any competencies where you might benefit from further experience or training.

2) Becoming a PPC - an overview
This outlines the process of approval and selection.

3) Application guidance notes
These contain detailed guidance on how to fill in all sections of the form.

4) Application form - sections A, B & C
This part of the application is forwarded to the assessors before your assessment day. You should return the original and 6 copies of this section of the form in hard copy to the Candidates' Office, and one copy by e-mail to candidates.office@libdems.org.uk.

5) Application form - section D
This contains important information about sponsors. Each sponsor should be given a copy of this section, along with a sponsorship form and a copy of "Qualities looked for in a effective PPC or PEPC". It is the applicant's responsibility to ensure that 5 signed sponsorship forms are returned to the Candidates' Office with the application form. You should note that your application will not normally be processed until all 5 sponsor forms have been returned.

6) Qualities looked for in an effective PPC or PEPC.

7) Sponsorship form.

8) Application form - sections E, F & G
These sections contain your personal declaration, declaration of interests and medical declaration. Please complete these fully and make sure the final declaration is signed.

9) Application form - sections H & I
Biographical and Monitoring Information.
These sections do not form part of the assessment. The biographical information will be used to provide information about you to the media and general public should you be approved and selected for a constituency. The monitoring information is used internally to assess our diversity policies. It will be used for anonymous statistical analyses which may be made public, but no personal information will be released unless you give your consent as indicated in section H.

10) Contact list of Regional Candidates' Chairs (RCCs)
Your RCC is well placed to offer advice on the approval process, and to help you meet any training or personal development needs you may have. Once you have submitted your form and it has been successfully processed, they will organise an assessment day in your region if possible. Please note that an assessment day can only be organised when there are sufficient candidates. The English Candidates' Committee has agreed as a target that all candidates will be offered an assessment day within 6 months of having submitted their application form. If you have a particular seat in mind, please allow plenty of time before the selection process is scheduled to apply for assessment. Please let the Candidates' Office know if you are willing to travel outside your region for assessment as this may increase your opportunities for assessment.

Completed applications should be returned to the Candidates' Office, along with a deposit cheque for £50 made out to "English Liberal Democrats". This will be returned to you when you have attended an assessment day. In the event of a cancellation less than 4 weeks before the day, this deposit may be retained in order to cover the administrative costs of finding a replacement and you will have to submit another deposit cheque before being offered another day. Unavoidable and sincere reasons for non-attendance will be treated sympathetically.

If you have any questions or queries about the form or application process, please don't hesitate to contact the Candidates' Office on 020 7227 1204.

Tamsin Hewett
English Candidates' Officer


And in response:

Dear Tamsin

Thank you for your e-mail.

It seems like it is quite a process becoming an MP!

I will peruse the contents of your e-mail and let you know whether this is the right thing for me.

I really did appreciate your e-mail. It must have taken you some time to type all of that. I hope you took regular breaks, as you can get RSI from too much typing!

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

I also received my weekly e-mail from The Guardian:

The Guardian JobMatch team have identified an opportunity that may be of interest to you.

The advertiser is IAC and the title of the vacancy they are advertising is Technical Sales Manager.

To find out more please click here:

http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/303031/technical-sales-manager/?grse=grse_1&email=jobmatch&licampaignid=311513

Kind Regards

The Guardian Jobs Team

To Unsubscribe, please log in to Guardian Jobs and delete saved searches. To Log in, click here: http://www.guardianjobs.co.uk/my-details?grse=grse_1&email=Jobmatch_unsub

IAC are looking for a technical sales manager.

"Reporting to the Business Manager you will be responsible for generating new business within the stand alone acoustic door and window team."

Stand alone acoustic door and window team?!? Does a door stand alone ever? Usually it is attached to some kind of frame, which is usually attached to a, well, wall. What is an acoustic door anyway? Actually, I think the people next door to us have an acoustic door. I always get the real hump when they slam it shut at six o'clock in the morning.

Applying was fairly straight forward, just upload my CV online. One more down.

Q: How many Radians in a semi-circle?

A: Pi

Thank you Jeremy Paxman.