Guardianwork

Saturday 26th January 2008

Some serious news.

The telly man came this morning to fix my telly in the dining room. Avid readers will have noticed that I sit in the dining room, smoking fags, whilst Nicky sits in the Lounge, in a smoke free haven. Well, for 8 years that has meant that I have to watch whatever is on the living room telly on the Sky channel (Sorry Jean, we did hide the dish behind the chimney so you didn't know we were giving money to Murdoch).

Well, he has given me a 'magic eye', which means that I can now control the Sky from the dining room.

It is brilliant!

Nicky went to bed this afternoon, while I sat there flicking through the interactive functions on the telly. There is NHS DIrect and everything. Alphabetically listed, there is every disease known to the science world. Molière's Malade Imaginaire would have had a field day.

For the last four years, I have been watching either BBC1, BBC2, ITV, Channel 4 or Teacher's TV. Now I have a limitless world of pointless drivel.

It is brilliant.

You know when you are watching the bowls, and it is coming to a really exciting climax? They say, press the red button. I couldn't. But now I can. I can watch the climax of darts, snooker, I can see the weather whenever I like.

It is brilliant.

And my wireless internet is working properly. I am a fully modern human being, down with the kids. I can sit in the dining room; playing scrabble with Derek from Melbourne, whilst watching re-runs of the A-team. What a life!

I tried to write a bit of the blog down in the dining room, but it wasn't right. A bit like the Lez and Liz, Liz and Lez situation, as discussed earlier. Just not right.

Anyway, I am concerned about the current acronym debate that is going on between me and Manchester University. I have decided to bring in some outside help:

Dear Madam/Sir

I am a keen supporter of Liverpool Football Club.

I have attached a copy of recent correspondence with Manchester University regarding acronyms.

I would be grateful if you could provide us with your opinion on the LFC versus LFOC debate. Could LFOC work for you? I mean, it would involve changing all of your merchandise, and replacing most of the seats in The KOP, but as a concept?

I look forward to hearing your thoughts on this matter.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Let's see if Liverpool Football Club has anything to add.

I thought that I had better not mention Havant and Waterlooville. They were 2-1 up at one stage.

On the subject of Liverpool v Havant, they had Jan Molby on the radio as co-commentator. Now, if ever there is someone to look up to when it comes to language skills, he is your man. He is completely fluent in scouse, without a trace of Danish. I will quote wikipedia:

'Jan Mølby (born July 4, 1963 in Kolding) is a former Danish professional football player who spent much of his football career at English club Liverpool, even acquiring something of a Scouse accent in the process.'
Something of a scouse accent?

On with the jobs.

JLA: Leading Speaker Bureau/Entertainment Agency in Central London seeks
Agent

Dear Penny

Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 was fantastic.

You are looking for an agent.

I looked up the word agent in my Griffin Savers Oxford Dictionary (Oxford University Press 1984:page 12):

‘Agent n 1. a person who does something or instigates some activity, he is a mere instrument not an agent.’

I have, by sending this e-mail.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, with a feeling that I had just skipped a stone seven times on the sea.

You mentioned that experienced registrars need only apply.

Sorry, but I am not an experienced registrar, but would like to apply anyway.

Please find attached my CV.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter


The telly in the dining room is brilliant.