Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tuesday 29th January 2008

Well, all in all it has been a pretty tough week. More so than I can let on, for some fairly obvious reasons. So all this has meant that I have forgotten to relate my letter from Nigel Chopping; remember him?

Goalkeeper in the Lumberjacks eleven.

He wrote me a letter to say that he was dealing with my Tree Preservation Order issue in the Winchmore Hill area of London. If, however he was out of the office, I could speak to his colleague.

Guess what his name was?

No, go on, guess...

Give up?

Ashley McAlpine.

Honestly, I do not make this stuff up.

I think Ashley should probably make the bench of the Lumberjacks XI. Is it a pre-requisite of the job that you could appear in the Lumberjacks eleven? You can imagine the interview:

Tree Company's HR person: So why do you want to work in lumber jacking?

John Smith: Well, I did a degree in arboriculturalism, and I like being outdoors.

Tree Company's HR person: Well, that is all very well and good, but your name has nothing to do with trees.

John Smith: But I have trained for this for years. I have been to Wales and everything.

Tree Company's HR person: Well, I'm sorry, but your name is just not up to scratch.

John Smith: My middle name is Sycamore, does that help?

Tree Company's HR person: Ok, you can have the job, as long as you pretend Sycamore is your first name.

So on with the jobs...

'Experience isn't essential, but it is guaranteed'

WJP Floyd are looking for a Junior Designer:

'This is your chance to learn the ropes with a medium-sized advertising agency...And you will do it all as part of a small, close-knit studio team.'

Dear Savannah

I spotted your advert in The Guardian Dated 29/09/07. I was really impressed with your tag line.

Your advert stated that this would be an opportunity for me to learn the ropes. I am really excited about this. I was in the Cubs as a young boy, but I never achieved my Knots Badge, as I was unable to pull off a Lanyard Hitch Knot. I look forward to learning this from you.

Secondly, I was impressed that you have a small close-knit studio team. I have recently taken up the fine art of knitting. It is a long story that I would quite happily expand on at interview, if required. It all started with a Granny from Switzerland knitting my mother in law a pair of socks for Christmas.

Anyway, I have no experience of Quark, Photoshop, or illustrator, but I would like to apply anyway (Mainly for the rope opportunities).

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

GE FABBRI Production Assistant APD 15/10/07.

'Xtaster is one of the UK's leading youth marketing companies operating at the vanguard of an evolving market place.'

I'm frightened already.

Dear Joy

Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 left me with a level of increased anxiety.

I would like to apply for your position; however I am 35 years old this year, and wondered whether this would rule me out?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards

Ian Carpenter

Harrow Children's Services; ethical no no.

Southend on Sea Borough Council, who would have thought that? Well, I could have been their ICT Group Manager or ICT Strategist/Business Business Partner for Children and Learning. Closing date 12/10/07.

Guess what?

I am about to turn the last page over, I have reached the end of page twenty seven.

Breathe in, hold, and out...

Come on,

I can do this...