Friday 2nd November 2007

I returned to work today to around 60 odd e-mails. That will teach me for being sick. I set about getting through the madness of what had gone on in my absence when:


To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: A bad day for france


Nobby 2 v 6 Eddie

1st leg southend to brentford

Eddie raced into an almost immediate lead on joining M25 but could not hold on as I entered Hertfordshire. 1 - 1. South Mimms appears to be temporarily French?? 2 - 1.
Imagine my delight when Eddie rammed home a hattrick in the space of a minute! 2 - 4. I must admit to a small shout of 'yes'. Is that wrong? Despite 3 James Irlam pitch invasions Eddie kept the pressure on an the fifth was slotted in just after the M1. 2 - 5.
A cheeky sixth at Rickmansworth finished off the Frenchies. 2 - 6. Bring on the 2nd leg. Report to follow.

To: Ian Carpenter
Subject: Putting England back on the map


Nobby 4 v 7 Eddie
6 - 13 On aggregate
2nd leg brentford to southend

After a wasted journey to Brentford I was looking forward to the 2nd leg with a very comfortable margin. Started well. Two early Eddie's just after M4 and just before M1. 0 - 2.
Needing a pee I turned off a South Mimms. On the slip road I pulled up behind a Nobby. The ref would not listen to my cries of offside. 1 - 2. Possibly enjoying this too much?? A turn for the worse when Nobby brought out the big guns - 2 tankers at the Holmesdale tunnel. 3 - 2.
I suspect the dirty burger van man was making a killing in Waltham Abbey - another hattrick for Eddie!3 - 5.
A straggler just after that made it 3 - 6.
The A12 gave Nobby a consolation. 4 - 6.
I though that would be that until just as I was turning off at the A127 Eddie started to run round the Frenchies with his willy hanging out. 4 - 7.

What a fantastic game of Norbert Dentressangle V Eddie Stobart! 6-13 on aggregate!

This was from my boss, Steve. I can see this game catching on. Not only that, but it put my game on the way to Feltham into absolute shame. Good work.

Anyway, tonight I got in and there was no food in the house. Not surprising, as I had been cooped up in bed for a couple of days, and Nicky has been working very hard. So I decided to test out the Doctor's potion by having an Indian meal delivered. Kill or cure, I reckon. For the record, chicken rogan josh, pilau rice, naan, vegetable passanda, and some onion bahjees.

The chain smoking spider has been on a little adventure this evening. She normally never ventures outside the picture rail, but tonight she was a good window away from home. Perhaps she was inspired by our epic journey to Switzerland last weekend. The picture shows the recently discovered arachnid enjoying the pleasure of smoking.

I have never seen a health warning on the side of a cigarette packet that says smoking is harmful to those spiders around you, so I think I am on safe ground when it comes to the RSPCA and such like. (She is to the right of the pair of gloves for all chain smoking spider aficionados).

What I did notice was a couple more orbs...

No responses from e-mail today from any jobs, and I have not heard from tenuk.

Thursday November 1st 2007

Applications: 57 Rejections: 3 Replies: 18 (17 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

I have not worked on my project for a couple of days. This is not because I have been abducted by the strange Ghosties in Barry's picture, but rather I have been abducted by a strange stomach bug.

I was taken away on Wednesday morning and left in a strange world.

The world was basically my bedroom with the lights shut, and me in a foetal position, with quite a lot of abdominal pain. Then the strange bug would lead me to the bathroom at fairly regular intervals to make me do things I did not want to do.

I went to the doctor today, and he told me I had:

"Some kind of stomach bug."

Thanks Doctor. I don't reckon that my Doctor and the person that named Blue-Tongue Disease would get on at all well.

Anyway, he gave me some kind of milky thing to drink which I think has worked.

Again, it has been proven that the Guardian Jobs gods know when you are not working. I have had no responses from anyone this evening. I had better crack on with the next job.

I now realise, what with all of the excitement over Switzerland, and being abducted by the bug, that I have not applied for a job in over seven days!!!

London Business School are looking for a Development Associate.

'You will manage an international portfolio of 150 top prospects to ensure they are solicited for gifts of £50k-£2m for institutional priorities.'

Hmm, I have already encountered someone soliciting my details earlier on in this newspaper, so I am a bit wary.

Dear Madam/Sir

I read with more than a considerable amount of interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I was particularly interested in your excellent recreational facilities, including on-site swimming pool, spa pool, sauna, and fully equipped gym.

I have recently applied for another job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07, and was led up the garden path. I hope that your request for me to solicit money from an international portfolio is all legitimate and above board.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter


St George's Deadline 19/10/07.
Mentoring and Befriending 8/10/07.
Southend College 12/10/07. (Pants that was local too!)

West Midlands Police 15/10/07.
Amnesty Inernational 15/10/07 (not that I would have applied anyway).
Arts Educational School 8/10/07.

Hmm, I spot a trend here.

Thank you,

your application/query has been received. We will be in touch with you in due course,

Regards

Recruitment Administrator




This is an automated email, please do not respond

Blimey, that was quick.

A quick update for anyone that is concerned about Lenny's ear. It does appear to be healing, and does not smell so much anymore. There were a few days there when we were not sat next to each other on the bus.

I was on one side of the aisle, and he was sat on the other.

Well, I didn't want him to catch my strange stomach bug.

Tuesday 30th October 2007

Applications: 56 Rejections: 3 Replies: 17 (16 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

It was back to work today with a fairly big bump. It seems that all of my properties have leaked water from their various roofs and guttering. That will teach me for having a weekend off.

Anyway, one of the gardeners that I work with sent a bizarre e-mail last night. He has been following the progress of my little project, and was intrigued by the orb in the hair wax photograph. His partner is from The Czech republic, and on a recent visit back to the mother in law, he took the following photograph:

Well here we are another week over and hopefully you are ok and the bridge did not collapse :) anyway first thing is you still did not send me the email about the work you want done and secondly 0--0---0---0---0---0---0---0---0 you thought that your picture of your hair gel was strange with the aura above it........ well for the first time today since i have been back i looked at my pictures from Prauge. we wwere on the Charles Bridge at night and i was taking pictures as you do and i attach a copy of one of them...... This bridge was built in the 13th century so you would expect some stories about ghosts and stuff but take a look at this !!!!!!!!!!!!!! at the bottom of the picture you can see clearly the skeleton of a ghost and this has really freaked me out big time and i am going to bed now as i am downstairs all on my own !!!!!!!!! call me and tell me what you think !!!!!

Barry


How bizarre!!!

It is Halloween coming up, and I am definitely not good with ghosts.

Anyway, Lenny (of sitting on the bus fame), has been in the wars whilst we were away on holiday. He must have been in a little fight with another cat in the local vicinity. He has got an abscess on his left ear. I like to call it, pussy ear that smells of rancid aluminium disease. Have you ever tried to give a cat with an anxiety disorder some antibiotics? Not easy.

We have all seen the Liberal Democrats on the television. They like to talk a bit. Well, dear reader, you may want to skip the next e-mail that I received from them today:

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your email which has been forwarded to me by my colleague Emma Peall. In order to be elected as a Liberal Democrat MP, you first need to be selected by a Local Party as the candidate in their constituency. In order to be selected you will need to apply for inclusion on the list of Liberal Democrat Approved Candidates for the Westminster Parliament. Please note that in order to be assessed for approval you must be a fully paid up Party member of at least 12 months standing. We would recommend that all members seeking approval arrange to pay their membership fees by direct debit, as any lapse in membership may affect approval status. You can contact membership@libdems.org.uk for more details or join via the following link https://www.libdems.org.uk/support/join.html?ref=home.

Please find attached the following documents. In order to maximise your chances of approval it is important that you take time to read all of these thoroughly before completing your application form:

1) Candidates' questionnaire
This self-assessment questionnaire is designed to help you judge whether you are ready to apply for approval, to highlight the areas upon which you will be assessed and help identify any competencies where you might benefit from further experience or training.

2) Becoming a PPC - an overview
This outlines the process of approval and selection.

3) Application guidance notes
These contain detailed guidance on how to fill in all sections of the form.

4) Application form - sections A, B & C
This part of the application is forwarded to the assessors before your assessment day. You should return the original and 6 copies of this section of the form in hard copy to the Candidates' Office, and one copy by e-mail to candidates.office@libdems.org.uk.

5) Application form - section D
This contains important information about sponsors. Each sponsor should be given a copy of this section, along with a sponsorship form and a copy of "Qualities looked for in a effective PPC or PEPC". It is the applicant's responsibility to ensure that 5 signed sponsorship forms are returned to the Candidates' Office with the application form. You should note that your application will not normally be processed until all 5 sponsor forms have been returned.

6) Qualities looked for in an effective PPC or PEPC.

7) Sponsorship form.

8) Application form - sections E, F & G
These sections contain your personal declaration, declaration of interests and medical declaration. Please complete these fully and make sure the final declaration is signed.

9) Application form - sections H & I
Biographical and Monitoring Information.
These sections do not form part of the assessment. The biographical information will be used to provide information about you to the media and general public should you be approved and selected for a constituency. The monitoring information is used internally to assess our diversity policies. It will be used for anonymous statistical analyses which may be made public, but no personal information will be released unless you give your consent as indicated in section H.

10) Contact list of Regional Candidates' Chairs (RCCs)
Your RCC is well placed to offer advice on the approval process, and to help you meet any training or personal development needs you may have. Once you have submitted your form and it has been successfully processed, they will organise an assessment day in your region if possible. Please note that an assessment day can only be organised when there are sufficient candidates. The English Candidates' Committee has agreed as a target that all candidates will be offered an assessment day within 6 months of having submitted their application form. If you have a particular seat in mind, please allow plenty of time before the selection process is scheduled to apply for assessment. Please let the Candidates' Office know if you are willing to travel outside your region for assessment as this may increase your opportunities for assessment.

Completed applications should be returned to the Candidates' Office, along with a deposit cheque for £50 made out to "English Liberal Democrats". This will be returned to you when you have attended an assessment day. In the event of a cancellation less than 4 weeks before the day, this deposit may be retained in order to cover the administrative costs of finding a replacement and you will have to submit another deposit cheque before being offered another day. Unavoidable and sincere reasons for non-attendance will be treated sympathetically.

If you have any questions or queries about the form or application process, please don't hesitate to contact the Candidates' Office on 020 7227 1204.

Tamsin Hewett
English Candidates' Officer


And in response:

Dear Tamsin

Thank you for your e-mail.

It seems like it is quite a process becoming an MP!

I will peruse the contents of your e-mail and let you know whether this is the right thing for me.

I really did appreciate your e-mail. It must have taken you some time to type all of that. I hope you took regular breaks, as you can get RSI from too much typing!

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

I also received my weekly e-mail from The Guardian:

The Guardian JobMatch team have identified an opportunity that may be of interest to you.

The advertiser is IAC and the title of the vacancy they are advertising is Technical Sales Manager.

To find out more please click here:

http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/303031/technical-sales-manager/?grse=grse_1&email=jobmatch&licampaignid=311513

Kind Regards

The Guardian Jobs Team

To Unsubscribe, please log in to Guardian Jobs and delete saved searches. To Log in, click here: http://www.guardianjobs.co.uk/my-details?grse=grse_1&email=Jobmatch_unsub

IAC are looking for a technical sales manager.

"Reporting to the Business Manager you will be responsible for generating new business within the stand alone acoustic door and window team."

Stand alone acoustic door and window team?!? Does a door stand alone ever? Usually it is attached to some kind of frame, which is usually attached to a, well, wall. What is an acoustic door anyway? Actually, I think the people next door to us have an acoustic door. I always get the real hump when they slam it shut at six o'clock in the morning.

Applying was fairly straight forward, just upload my CV online. One more down.

Q: How many Radians in a semi-circle?

A: Pi

Thank you Jeremy Paxman.

Monday 29th October 2007

Applications: 55 Rejections: 3 Replies: 17 (16 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

We arrived safely back home last night.

It was fantastic to sit on the bus with Lenny.

The weekend in Swizerland/France went by so quickly. We flew out of London City Airport, which I must say, is absolutely fantastic. We flew at 7.50 a.m.; and no, this was not too early to have a beer in the bar first.

Liz fell asleep on the flight on the way over, so this seemed like an ideal opportunity for Lez to play Human Buckaroo. He tried balancing as many Swiss Air free chocolates as he could on Liz's shoulders, before she woke up. This kept us entertained for about ten minutes. Yes there are pictures.

The first thing we did on landing was find 50 Rue du Rhone, the place of work of Patrick Meier, Head of Global Sales at ACM markets. I can now understand why he did not agree to meet me for a beer. There are no Pubs in all of Geneva. We spent three hours yesterday afternoon trying to find one. Any way this seemed like a perfect photo opportunity for the Guardian Jobs Newspaper.

We tried to actually go up to ACM Currency Markets SA, however the lift would not allow us up there. We needed some special key code. However, l did peruse the Guardian Job, sitting in the lovely leather sofa in the foyer of the building.

There were some really important looking people that gave Lez and I a quizzical look as they made their way to the lift. Nicky and Liz would have nothing to do with it and were ambling along outside on Rue du Rhone. They really do sell quite a lot of posh watches in Geneva.

Anyway, to avoid, Viaduc St Egratz, we decided to take a detour via Evian les Bains. Yes, where the water comes from. Lake Geneva really is spectacular. The water is really crystal clear. I regretted not bring a supply of non recyclable plastic bottles. I could have literally filled them up from the lake, and then flogged them for £1.50 a bottle. I feel like I have missed out on a pension building opportunity.

Anyway, I wish that we had just bitten the bullet and done the Viaduc. The old road up the mountain was terrifying! Seriously, why do people do this for recreation? The road was one of those windy Swiss/French roads that you see appear on Top Gear. The drops were phenomenal. I spent the best part of an hour with my eyes shut, and my hands decided that they wanted to produce a small lake of their own.

We spent a lovely evening in a Fondue Restaurant in Chamonix. The cheesy smell has now impregnated my new alpine coat. I will have to get this dry cleaned this week.

After a brief walk and an opportunity to do some stone skipping on an alpine lake, we made our way back down the mountain yesterday afternoon. I took some pictures of the Viaduc, as we passed it on the way back down.


Just to reiterate, I am not good with heights. I recommend anyone with a similar fear; do not go up a great big mountain.

Anyway, I have taken the day off today, and I am looking forward to having the whole day to concentrate on applying for more jobs.

It is quite exciting being at the computer during the day. Up until now, my little project has happened in the evening. I come in from work, and check my e-mails. Today I get to hear the "ding dong", as they are delivered to my in-box.

Ding Dong

Dear Ian

Many thanks for your email and application....

Having carefully reviewed your cv and noted your extensive experience in finance and property management, I regret to inform you that we will not be taking your application further on this occasion. Whilst your experience in your field is of undoubted interest to us, especially your association with Green Lanes ( it's extensive Mediterranean and middle eastern cuisine is of great note to all of us at the Lane) I am afraid that we have recently filled our vacant roles. Whilst not a consideration on this occasion, should you wish to make any further applications, I would advise removing all references from those in red from your cv!

I wish you all the best in your future career.

Jonathan Waite
Customer Services Manager
Tottenham Hotspur Football & Athletic Co Ltd
Bill Nicholson Way

Brilliant!

I am pleased that they are familiar with the fine work of the restaurateurs on Green Lanes. I was a bit disappointed that they had not given me the opportunity of an interview. However, I understand that they have offered the position to Juande Ramos. That will teach me for having the weekend off. You snooze, you lose.


Dear Jonathan

Thank you for your quick response to my e-mail that I sent you on Friday evening.

I am pleased that you are familiar with the fine work of the restaurateurs on Green Lanes. I never believed all the things that I saw on the Life of Grime television programme.

I understand that you have now appointed Juande Ramos. I appreciate that he has more experience in the area of football management, but I would like to see him manage finance or property as well as me!

Anyway, thank you once again for your quick response.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Friday 26th October 2007

I have to admit that I am a little bit scared tonight. The viaduc St Egratz has been playing on my mind all day. We are off to Chamonix tomorrow. We, being Lez (See above), Liz (Lez's girlfriend), Nicky and me.

Why would someone who does not like heights go up a mountain?

Anyway, I see it as a bit of a challenge.

I intend on visiting Patrick's offices in Geneva, and hopefully I will be able to take a photograph.

All this excitement means that I will not be able to apply for any jobs this weekend.

Hang on.

Unless, I take the paper with me to Switzerland and apply to a job from there? I am slightly concerned about this. What if there is some kind of soft drink spillage in the hand luggage? They do have computers in Switzerland, as was demonstrated by Patrick's e-mail about my mum and dad's cat whisky; so I might be able to send a few e-mails.

The Guardian Jobs page dated 29/09/07 has been quite a large part of my life over the past few weeks, it deserves a little holiday.

Someone at work today said to me:

"Ian, did you see that Martin Jol, the Spurs manager has been sacked. That means there is a vacancy."

Thanks, Laura.

I know that this is my second transgression into the non Guardian Jobs. However, given the recent history of the type of advert in the Guardian, I am pleased to be on safe ground. I am sure that Tottenham Hotspur do not want me to launder money for them.

Dear Madam/Sir

I have read, listened to, and watched several articles regarding Martin Jol today.

I am still unsure whether he was sacked before, during, or after the game last night.

Anyway, that is all immaterial, because I would like to apply for the position of Manager of your Football Club.

I am a keen supporter of Liverpool Football Club, but this should not come between us.

I also drove by white Hart Lane on the way to a property that I manage in Green Lanes. I liked the look of the area, I felt really comfortable there.

I am also a fan of Paul Hawksbee on Talk Sport. He seems like a very nice man, and if that is the type of fan that you have at White Hart Lane, I think it is the place for me. Did you hear the programme when they invented the Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart Game?

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

PS Don’t tell my partner, she is a bit of an Arsenal fan!

Anyway, there we go, a second deviation from the Guardian, but hey, it is coming with me to Switzerland for the weekend.

All we need now is a three legged carbon wellington boot wearer.