Monday 22nd October 2007

Applications: 51 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1


I went to work this morning knowing that mum and Phyllis were being picked up by my dad to be driven home again. If you are going to create a carbon wellington boot print, you may as well have a pair.

Although it is nice to have your family over, I couldn't help thinking that I would much rather get back to normal. I was looking forward to tonight, so that I could sit on the bus with Lenny. I realise that this may need a little explanation...

Lenny has already been mentioned above. He is one of my two cats (of Lenny and Hippy fame). Lenny has had a troubled life. He joined our little family during a period when my partner was working in a pet shop. He was the last cat left over from a litter of kittens. I don't think anyone liked him because he has a funny squidge on his face that makes him look like he is laughing. Anyway, because he was the last kitten left, he spent rather too much time with the birds in the pet shop. This means that every time he sees a bird, he has to make a bird-like squawking sound. This has gradually developed into a general anxiety disorder. He always has to come in through the dining room doors (even if the kitchen door is open), and he hates carrier bags rustling (to the extent that he will jump about four feet in the air).

Anyway, as explained before, I spend a great deal of my time in the dining room. I sit on a dining chair, and Lenny likes me to pull up another dining room chair alongside mine. He will then sit on the dining chair next to me. It looks like we are sitting on the top deck of a double decker bus. Hence the expression, to sit on the bus with Lenny. I use it now to mean, getting back to normal after you have been on holiday, or had general family visiting disrupting your usual routine.

The chain smoking spider has decided to sit on the bus with Lenny. She did not make an appearance for the whole weekend with mum and Phyllis here, but she has dutifully returned tonight.

I SPOKE TO A HUMAN BEING TODAY FROM TENUK!!!

You may recall that tenuk had left me an answerphone message. I returned their call, and had got their voicemail message. This was around ten days ago. Anyway, I received a call from them today.

Kerri: Hello is that Ian.

Me: Yes, who's calling?

Kerri: It is Kerri from tenuk, you have left us an answerphone message?

Me: Yes, I was returning your call, you said that you wanted to discuss my application further.

Kerri: Which job did you apply for?

(Hmm, tricky, I have applied for quite a few recently)

Me: I think it was for Operations Manager.

Kerri: Oh, Ops Manager, we have had loads of entrants for that, we have a pile of CVs which we are sifting through.

Me: So what was it that you wanted to discuss?

Kerri: Oh nothing, I was just returning your answerphone message.

Me: So is there some kind of Application Process?

Kerri: Oh yes, we will sift through the CV's and you may be selected for a telephone interview.

Me: So I shall expect to hear from you?

Kerri: Yes within the next few days.

Me: Alright then, I'll speak to you soon.

Within ten minutes I received a text message:

Ian we have not received a CV from you. If you would like to apply for a role, please e-mail this to HR@TenUK.com.

WHAT?!?!

They received my e-mail on the 9th October 2007 enclosing a CV. They must have had it, how else did they leave me a message on my answer phone?

Dear Ten

I am writing following our telephone conversation, and a subsequent text message.

You have had my CV. Please find attached a copy of my original e-mail.

I would still love to be part of your revolution!

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

So, two weeks on and we are back to square one.


We thank you for your interest in tenUk and will be in touch shortly.

Kind regards,

HR at tenUK



Oh, I know they will.

Strictly Confidential-
Addressee Only

RE – Application for Coaching Consultant – UK Sport

Dear Ian,

Further to your application to the above post, I write to inform you that regrettably, on this occasion, you were unsuccessful.

May I take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in the role and please do not let this deter you from applying for future jobs within UK Sport.

Yours sincerely


Danni Thomas
Human Resources Administrator

Dear Danni

Thank you for your e-mail. However, I was really disappointed by your rejection of my application.

I really do like watching elite sport. Only last weekend, I watched England be beaten by South Africa in the World Cup Final. I also watched Lewis Hamilton fail to win the F1 Championship.

Would you please reconsider my application?

Kind regards

AND FINALLY FROM THE LIB DEMS!!!

Dear IanMany thanks for your email, the contents of which have been noted. You have to already be a Member of Parliament in order to stand for Leader of the Party, however, thank you for your application and for writing in.Best wishes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emma Peall Information Co-ordinator

Sunday 21st October 2007

Applications: 51 Rejections: 1 Replies: 13 (12 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1

http://www.guinnesscommunications.co.uk/apply.html

'This position is now closed and no late applications will be received.'

The Prostate Cancer charity will not receive an application from me for their Volunteer Development Manager, even though they welcome applications from all sections of the community.

Ditto the Petsavers Fundraiser, although the position was based in Gloucester, which would have been handy for my mum and dad's shop.

Espresso education are looking for a Business Development Executive, but the closing date was the 19th October 2007.

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed that you had the above position advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.

The closing date was the 19th October 2007. I appreciate that I am late, but I have had my mum visiting with her friend Phyllis over the weekend.

Would you still accept my application?

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

For the first time in my little project, I need stationery. Jigsaw want a London Based Visual Merchandise and Stylist. I have to apply in writing to Faye McLeod. I'm off to buy some stamps and an envelope, oh and some new ink for the printer.

END OF PAGE FOUR!!!

Whoever sucked the air out of the plastic wrapping on my ink cartridge did a very good job. It took me at least twenty minutes to get it open. The air must have been sucked out by someone with the lung capacity of an Olympic rower.

So Jigsaw want people who have a proven track record in fashion visual merchandising. Hmm, tricky one.



Faye McLeod
Visual Director
Jigsaw
159 Mortlake Road
Kew
Surrey
TW9 4AW


21st October 2007

Dear Ms McLeod

Re: Visual Merchandisers & stylists

I am writing following your recent advertisement for the above position.

Although, I do not have any direct experience in this area, I do select the appropriate tie for my shirt every morning. I would like to think that I rarely make a fashion faux-pas. I would hope that the people at work would tell me if I did.

I also do my own hair (with full use of the mirror in the dining room) every morning. I did not used to use any products on my hair, but recently I have been taken to using a styling wax by VO5; it is very good.

I have taken a picture of the styling wax to prove that I use it. You will notice from the picture that there is one of those funny orb things above the pot. I don't know what this means, but I think it may mean that this was meant to be the job for me.

Please find attached Curriculum Vitae, and picture with the funny orb thingy on it.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Encs: Picture and CV

Saturday 20th October 2007

The Guardian JobMatch team have identified an opportunity that may be of interest to you.

The advertiser is UNITED UTILITIES LTD and the title of the vacancy they are advertising is Business Development Manager x3.

To find out more please click here:

http://jobs.guardian.co.uk/job/297903/business-development-manager-x3/?grse=grse_1&email=jobmatch&licampaignid=300601

Kind Regards

The Guardian Jobs Team

To Unsubscribe, please log in to Guardian Jobs and delete saved searches. To Log in, click here: http://www.guardianjobs.co.uk/my-details?grse=grse_1&email=Jobmatch_unsub

Now, I am slightly more certain that the Guardian Jobs Team is trying to lay down the gauntlet, as it were. Again, I have not heard from Guardian Jobs in two months but since I sent them the e-mail to see if they are interested in my quest, I have received a couple of jobs. I may be being paranoid, but the way they have signed off with kind regards, makes me suspicious. Once more unto the breach, Guardian Jobs Team, I can not refuse your challenge.

Job: Business Development Manager x3,
UNITED UTILITIES LTD

Should it not be Jobs? Ah well, it is the Guardian.


Thank you for applying for the position of : Business Development Manager x3.
App. Source :
GuardianJobs

If you would like to view the job advert, please click here
Applying for this job should only take a few minutes. Fill in the Personal Details form making sure that your email address and phone numbers are up to date. Then upload any documents requested e.g. CV. When your application is complete you will receive an acknowledgement by email for your records. Your application is then ready to be considered for shortlisting.
When you are ready to begin your application click "Next ".

Acknowledge *
Print Your Application


Acknowledgement
Your application will shortly be acknowledged by email to the following address:
my e-mail address
All relevant details of your application will be included in this acknowledgement for further reference.
You have now completed the initial online application process. Your application will now be reviewed as soon as possible. Should we require any further information or require you to participate in the selection process you will be contacted.
Thank you for applying.

There that was easy. I still don't trust the on-line application process though, so I will expect to be declined within a couple of minutes.

'With a name like Guinness you might think our brand was pretty good already.'

Fantastic! A job working for Guinness! However:

'Today we have no connection with the brewery, but we're proud of our heritage and keen to build on our reputation as one of the country's largest providers of housing.'

Oh pants.

Saturday 20th October 2007

This morning I woke up with tonsils swollen due to too much snoring, due to that bottle of merlot in the restaurant, the food of which I can smell on my fingers, with a dull ache in my forehead disease.

My parents live in the Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire. According to Google maps, a distance of 185 miles or 3 hours 31 minutes distance. They run the traditional rural shop, where people put a paper order in for the whole week, and Mrs Jones has a bloomer on Thursday; you get the idea. I don't see them very often due to the distance between us, we are the archetypal non-nuclear family.

Anyway it is my mum's birthday next week, so it has been decided that she should come down for a weekend visit, to celebrate the passing of another year. My dad drove my mum and a close family friend Phyllis down, and they arrived at around 1 pm yesterday. I had taken the afternoon off. I called them to see where they were, and to ask them not to turn up until I had done the washing up from the previous night's Chinese takeaway. My dad was not staying for the weekend; he was literally dropping my mum and Phyllis off, before returning to the shop, as he could not get anyone to look after it for the weekend. A journey of 370 miles, and a carbon wellington bootprint. Before you ask, yes my mum can drive, and no, I do not know why she did not drive herself.

Anyway, we went to a bar on Southend Seafront for the afternoon. It was one of those great autumnal afternoons, where you get crisp, shiny sunshine. We then booked my mum and Phyllis into a local hotel. In case you think I am not hospitable, I do not have a spare bedroom. I turned it into a study when I went back to university. We unloaded the car, and it was then I discovered that they had brought their own toaster, bread, and margarine, which they arranged neatly on the sideboard of their shared twin room. I think they must be concerned that we may not have learned how to toast bread here in Essex.

Anyway, after dad had left, and Nicky had returned from work, we went for a meal in the restaurant, the food of which I could smell on my fingers this morning.

All of this excitement has meant that I did not do any work on my little project yesterday. I think the Guardian Job Gods can sense that I did not do any work yesterday, as I have not received any e-mails at all. All this is a bit of a bonus as it means that I can crack on with applying for the jobs.

Thursday 18th October 2007

Applications: 46 Rejections: 1 Replies: 13 (12 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1

Dear Ian,

BES Policy Officer Vacancy

Thank you for taking the time to apply for the Policy Officer position at the British Ecological Society. The BES received a large number of applications for this position from qualified individuals.

The selection panel has decided not to short list you for an interview on this occasion, as there were candidates who better met our key requirements.

The decision was arrived at by assessing how the candidates met the advertised job specifications.

I wish you the best of luck in your career development.

Kindest regards

Hannah
Clerical Officer, British Ecological Society

I applied for this position on the 11th October, and I was slightly late in applying. If you remember (If you can't, check on the blog), the vacancy had closed at noon and I applied late in the evening. I think that they had appointed someone that afternoon. Hannah also sends her kindest regards, so she seems like a friendly person.

Dear Hannah

Thank you for your e-mail. I am obviously disappointed. Not as disappointed as I was when I found out that the Elgin Marbles were not actually marbles like the ones you played with at school!

Could you just tell me, was it because I missed the deadline of noon? Did you make your decision that afternoon?

Thank you for your best wishes in my future career development. I am currently applying for quite a number of jobs, and I am sure one will lead somewhere interesting.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

I also received this from my Arch Nemesis, the NHS:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your interest in this post.

All applicants must complete our standard application form, either online or by submitting a paper copy. We cannot accept CVs.

I have tried to call you at home but there is no answer and I could not see a mobile number on your CV or email. Please contact me if you receive my email this morning and we can arrange for your to complete our standard application form. However, I am afraid this post closed at midnight last night and we must get the final applications on our system this morning. I therefore could not accept an application from you after midday today.

Kind regards,

Sarah Barnett
Project Co-ordinator

Blimey, how hard is it to get a job at the NHS?!? Firstly, they have more typos that The Guardian itself. In my first application to them, they spelt application, appliction, and now:

'and we can arrange for your to complete our standard application form'!

Who is your? Is this someone that works in their offices transcribing application forms? Imagine a conversation in the NHS office:

Sarah Barnett: Hello, your, we have someone here that has sent a CV, but does not want to fill in an application form on line. Can you fill the form out for him?

your: Yes, no problem at all.

Well maybe not.




Dear Sarah

Thank you for your e-mail.

Sadly, it looks as if I have missed the boat on this occasion.

Thank you for trying to call me today and you are right, I was not at home, as I was working in my office in Basildon.

As you will recall from my original e-mail, I do not trust the online application process; I was rejected within five minutes on a Sunday morning!

I hope that today was not too manic for you, what with having to get all those applications on by noon. You can get that repetitive strain injury from too much typing you know!

Anyway, it was nice to hear from you, and should you not find a suitable candidate, would you please e-mail me and perhaps I could fill in an application form.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Administration over, here are the next jobs.

'Do you want an international career?'

Erm, not really. Unless, of course Patrick Meiier, the Swiss Banker, who wanted to meet whisky, wants to go for a beer next weekend.

'If you would like the challenge of working for a vibrant international company, then polish your CV and apply directly to job.london@meltwaternews.com.'

Ok, here goes:

Dear Madam/Sir

I saw your advertisement for the above position advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

You have requested that I polish my CV, and why not? We are all one Europe now!

Unfortunately, my computer skills are not such that I could fit a flag of Poland on my CV. I have therefore attached a picture of the Polish flag in my e-mail. I hope that this counts.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter