Thursday 25th October 2007

Applications: 55 Rejections: 3 Replies: 16 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1


COMPLEMENTRY ART GALLERY
121 LEDYARD AVE.BU& FFALO,
NY,14043
NEW YORK.Phone
#: 773-878-4770

Hello Ian Carpenter,

Am Ryan Gray from COMPLEMENTRY ART GALLERIES . We are glad to offer you a job position with our company. We need someone to work for the company as a Account Manager,Representative/Book keeper in England . This is in view of our not having a major office presently in the England .You don't need to have an Office and this certainly won't disturb any form of work you have going at the moment. We source the following variety of clothing materials:-batiks, assorted fabrics for interior decor, silk and traditional costumes which we have clients we supply weekly in the England .Presently with the amount of Orders we have, we cannot put them on hold for fear of loosing the customers outrightly. It's a known fact,that it's not easy to start a business in a new market (being the England ). There are hundreds of competitors, close direct contacts between suppliers and customers and other difficulties,which impede our sales promotion.We have decided to deliver the products upfront, it's very risky but it would push up sales by 25 percent. Unfortunately we are unable to open Bank Accounts in England without first registering the company name. Secondly we cannot cash these payments from the England soon enough, as international Cheques take about 15-20 working days for cash to be made available.We lose about 75,000 USD of net income each month because we have money transfer delays.Your task is to coordinate payments from customers and help us with the payment process.You are not involved in any sales or marketing.Once orders are received and sorted we deliver the product to a customer.The customer receives and checks the products. After this has been done the customer has to pay for the products.About 90 percent of our customers prefer to pay through Certified Cheque so We decided to open this new job position for solving this problem.Your tasks are: 1. Receive payment from Customers.2. Cash Payments at your Bank (Upon my instruction).3. Deduct 300 pounds which will be your commission/pay on each Payment processed.4. Forward balance after deduction of commission/pay to any of the offices you will be contacted to send payment to.(Payment is to forwarded either by MoneyGram or Western Union Money Transfer Preferably). But the problem we have is trust, But we have our way of getting anyone that gets away with our money, I mean the IRS and Secret Service branch in Washington gets involve.Our payments will be issued out in your name and you can have them cashed at your bank or other Cashing Services.Deduct your commission and forward the balance to the company . If you are interested, N: B, Please send to me the listed information below: #Your full name:#Your full home address,#Your age as well your marital status and your gender #direct contact telephone number:#Nationality. Thanks for your anticipated action and we hope to hear back from you. Ryan GrayCOMPLEMENTRY ART GALLERIES.


Oh pants.

I reckon this may be a scam, and I have sent them my CV. This contains my name, address, telephone number, date of birth. I spend several hours every week shredding the pointless letters I receive, so as not to be scammed. Here I am, I have e-mailed these people my personal details.

Well done me.

I can now look forward to a life of constantly checking credit reference agencies to see if I have funded some drug trafficking/money laundering operation. Perhaps I should send the details to LoTSA?

I am certainly going to e-mail the Guardian. Do they not vet their adverts? I thought the female writer in Notting Hill was weird, but this one is beyond reproach.

Dear Madam/Sir

I recently applied for a job in the guardian dated 29/09/07.

It was on page 9, towards the bottom of the paper. I have attached a picture of the job advertisement.

As you can see, it appears to be some sort of money laundering scheme. I am slightly concerned about this. I thought that the Guardian was a reputable newspaper and would not have anything to do with such schemes.

Could you please reassure me that if I apply for any jobs in the future, it will not be for anything illegal?

Could you please respond by return of e-mail?

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

I decided today to leave another message on the voicemail of tenuk. This thing can surely not go on for ever?

Anyway, when I got home I received another e-mail from them:

Hi Ian

As you can imagine we have been very busy managing applications for posts advertised and it has therefore proved difficult to speak when you have called in of late.

If you would please confirm which role you are applying for?

Many thanks in advance

Hannah



Fantastic!

Dear Hannah

Thank you for your e-mail

We always seem to miss each other.

I would like to apply for all three positions advertised in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. The positions advertised were:

Operations Director
Marketing Operations Manager
Analytics Manager

Lesley-Anne called on the 23rd October 2007 inviting me to a telephone interview. I am not sure which position I had been short-listed for.

Please do not hesitate to contact me on my mobile number.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

From the Guardian:

Thank you for your letter to the Guardian. Unless you have indicated otherwise, it will be considered for publication - as long as you have included the following details:

(1) A full name and full postal address (including street, town and county);
(2) A daytime contact telephone number.

It is also helpful to include a reference (headline, section, publication
date) to the article to which your letter refers. Letters are usually published with only a village, town or city as the address (or an organisation where relevant). The other contact details are for verification only. If your email did not include them, please resend the full text of your letter with these details to letters@guardian.co.uk.

Do NOT reply to this automatically generated email as the account from which it is sent cannot accept incoming email.

Whether or not we publish your letter, it will be read and forwarded, where appropriate, to the relevant journalist or section editor. Please note that letters may be edited.

Regards
Letters editor
The Guardian



Let us see what will happen.

Monday 22nd October 2007

Applications: 55 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1


I called tenuk again today at lunch time. Guess what?

Voicemail.

We are back where we were on the 15th October.



However I was heartened to receive the following e-mail:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your e-mail. Our selection process looks into the competencies identified by the job description. Unfortunately in this instance you did not satisfy the level of experience in this field required for the job role and therefore we cannot reconsider your application.

Kind Regards

Danni Thomas
Human Resources Administrator
UK Sport

So they are not prepared to reconsider, never mind.

So all in all, no news from anyone today. I was looking forward to hearing from the female writer in Notting Hill. Perhaps my three legged donkey, wonkey joke is not really that funny.

The chain smoking spider has a suitor. For a couple of days, there has been another spider in the corner of the room. I'm not sure if they are spider lovers, but the new suitor-spider has been hanging around the cigarette loving arachnid for two days. I don't know a lot about spider mating rituals, but he has been around two feet either side for the last couple of nights. Maybe I am learning something about nature and overcoming my fear of spiders.

Maybe I should be learning to dust away the spiders' cobwebs?

Anyway, on with the jobs...

The Financial Times are looking for a Marketing Executive.

'To apply send your CV to jobs@FT.com quoting reference MexecIF'

What? No covering letter or anything?

Dear Madam/Sir

I quote MexecIF.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

They also have positions for SUB-EDITORS. This must be important, as the job title is all in capitals.

Dear Charlotte

I read with the utmost interest your advertisement for SUB EDITOR in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Why is the job title in capital letters?

I would like to apply, and have attached my CV.

Kind regards


IAN CARPENTER

The CAPITAL LETTER DISEASE is contagious on this page:

'Candidates Must be Efficient, Loyal, Honest, and Dedicated.'

According to complementry art gallery.

Dear Madam/Sir

I am writing regarding your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I am Efficient, Loyal, Honest, and Dedicated.

I have attached my CV, and I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

SKIrecruit, see above. Although, I am going to the mountains this weekend. I am not sure that it is a great idea. I am not good with heights. I am a bit concerned about viaduc Egratz. That looks like a very high bridge to me. Still, perhaps tomorrow I can send an e-mail to Patrick Meiier (Whisky cat picture) to see if he would like top join us for a beer.

Monday 22nd October 2007

Applications: 52 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1


Dear Emma

Thank you for your e-mail, I am glad that you have noted the contents of my e-mail.

I, in turn, note the contents of your e-mail.

I notice that nominations close for leader on the 31st October 2007. Do you think it is possible to become a Member of Parliament by then? Are there any seats going spare at the moment?

I appreciate that I may miss the deadline this time around. However, for future reference, how do I go about becoming an MP? Do you have a leaflet that you could send me?

I look forward to your reply.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

I spent the day travelling to a property just south of Heathrow Airport. The journey there was broken up by a close game of Norbert Dentressangle v Eddie Stobart Game. Norbert went into the lead around junction 26 of the M25, before I spotted an Eddie around junction 16; 1-1. Eddie finally pipped it at the death, as I spotted another of his lorries just after Junction 15. Final score: France 1: England 2.

I received a message on my home answer phone from Lesley-Anne at tenuk. She would like to invite me to a telephone interview. Now, P G Wodehouse style, let us just sum up what has happened so far with these people:

1. I sent a CV by email.

2. They left a message on my home phone, asking to discuss the application further.

3. I left a message for them with my mobile telephone number.

4. They called me back asking what I wanted.

5. I receive a text message indicating they do not have my CV.

6. I send my CV into them again.

7. I receive a message saying they would like to discuss my application further, and invite me for a telephone interview.

No wonder they need an Operations Director. So far their operations have not been directed very well at all. Oh well, I will call tomorrow, at lunch time.

Administration over, on with the jobs.

Actionaid will also accept applications from all aspects of the community, sadly not me, as discussed above.

'Home helps required by Female Writer in Notting Hill Gate.

Housework, shopping and whatever comes up. Over-qualified people welcomed. A sense of humour helps and you'll need to be reliable, practical, keenly helpful and able to commit to a minimum of six months.

E-mail (no attachments please) with brief résumé and full contact details.'

This advert looks sublimely ridiculous beneath the advert for the international charity. Part of me wants to leave this writer alone with the over-qualified shopper. However, I really can't resist.

Dear Madam

I read with interest your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/9/07.

I am overqualified and I have a sense of humour, for example:

What do you call a three legged donkey?

A Wonkey.

I look forward to your earliest response.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

The next advert is for a fellowship at Harvard University, applications need to come from the candidate's university. As I am not currently studying, I will be unable to apply. However, I am pleased that the fellowships provide a stipend of $20,500.

Foundling Museum, charity.

Some media company require professionals with one year's B2B or B2C phone sales experience. They want you to call them, so I will add to tomorrow's lunch time list of calls.

The future laboratory's job closed on the 8th October! It is a shame, because they offered:

'Ours is not a 9-5 environment. Commitment, enthusiasm and passion are essential. Attractive package includes Christmas office closure, pension scheme, all of the food an drink you can manage, the office dog to walk and company performance related bonus.'

It is interesting that shutting the office at Christmas should mean more to people than a pension.

Anyway, after all of that, the return journey from Feltham ended in a boring 0-0 draw.

Monday 22nd October 2007

Applications: 51 Rejections: 3 Replies: 15 (14 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1


I went to work this morning knowing that mum and Phyllis were being picked up by my dad to be driven home again. If you are going to create a carbon wellington boot print, you may as well have a pair.

Although it is nice to have your family over, I couldn't help thinking that I would much rather get back to normal. I was looking forward to tonight, so that I could sit on the bus with Lenny. I realise that this may need a little explanation...

Lenny has already been mentioned above. He is one of my two cats (of Lenny and Hippy fame). Lenny has had a troubled life. He joined our little family during a period when my partner was working in a pet shop. He was the last cat left over from a litter of kittens. I don't think anyone liked him because he has a funny squidge on his face that makes him look like he is laughing. Anyway, because he was the last kitten left, he spent rather too much time with the birds in the pet shop. This means that every time he sees a bird, he has to make a bird-like squawking sound. This has gradually developed into a general anxiety disorder. He always has to come in through the dining room doors (even if the kitchen door is open), and he hates carrier bags rustling (to the extent that he will jump about four feet in the air).

Anyway, as explained before, I spend a great deal of my time in the dining room. I sit on a dining chair, and Lenny likes me to pull up another dining room chair alongside mine. He will then sit on the dining chair next to me. It looks like we are sitting on the top deck of a double decker bus. Hence the expression, to sit on the bus with Lenny. I use it now to mean, getting back to normal after you have been on holiday, or had general family visiting disrupting your usual routine.

The chain smoking spider has decided to sit on the bus with Lenny. She did not make an appearance for the whole weekend with mum and Phyllis here, but she has dutifully returned tonight.

I SPOKE TO A HUMAN BEING TODAY FROM TENUK!!!

You may recall that tenuk had left me an answerphone message. I returned their call, and had got their voicemail message. This was around ten days ago. Anyway, I received a call from them today.

Kerri: Hello is that Ian.

Me: Yes, who's calling?

Kerri: It is Kerri from tenuk, you have left us an answerphone message?

Me: Yes, I was returning your call, you said that you wanted to discuss my application further.

Kerri: Which job did you apply for?

(Hmm, tricky, I have applied for quite a few recently)

Me: I think it was for Operations Manager.

Kerri: Oh, Ops Manager, we have had loads of entrants for that, we have a pile of CVs which we are sifting through.

Me: So what was it that you wanted to discuss?

Kerri: Oh nothing, I was just returning your answerphone message.

Me: So is there some kind of Application Process?

Kerri: Oh yes, we will sift through the CV's and you may be selected for a telephone interview.

Me: So I shall expect to hear from you?

Kerri: Yes within the next few days.

Me: Alright then, I'll speak to you soon.

Within ten minutes I received a text message:

Ian we have not received a CV from you. If you would like to apply for a role, please e-mail this to HR@TenUK.com.

WHAT?!?!

They received my e-mail on the 9th October 2007 enclosing a CV. They must have had it, how else did they leave me a message on my answer phone?

Dear Ten

I am writing following our telephone conversation, and a subsequent text message.

You have had my CV. Please find attached a copy of my original e-mail.

I would still love to be part of your revolution!

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

So, two weeks on and we are back to square one.


We thank you for your interest in tenUk and will be in touch shortly.

Kind regards,

HR at tenUK



Oh, I know they will.

Strictly Confidential-
Addressee Only

RE – Application for Coaching Consultant – UK Sport

Dear Ian,

Further to your application to the above post, I write to inform you that regrettably, on this occasion, you were unsuccessful.

May I take this opportunity to thank you for your interest in the role and please do not let this deter you from applying for future jobs within UK Sport.

Yours sincerely


Danni Thomas
Human Resources Administrator

Dear Danni

Thank you for your e-mail. However, I was really disappointed by your rejection of my application.

I really do like watching elite sport. Only last weekend, I watched England be beaten by South Africa in the World Cup Final. I also watched Lewis Hamilton fail to win the F1 Championship.

Would you please reconsider my application?

Kind regards

AND FINALLY FROM THE LIB DEMS!!!

Dear IanMany thanks for your email, the contents of which have been noted. You have to already be a Member of Parliament in order to stand for Leader of the Party, however, thank you for your application and for writing in.Best wishes -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Emma Peall Information Co-ordinator

Sunday 21st October 2007

Applications: 51 Rejections: 1 Replies: 13 (12 if you count human) + Bonus Job! Withdrawn applications: 1

http://www.guinnesscommunications.co.uk/apply.html

'This position is now closed and no late applications will be received.'

The Prostate Cancer charity will not receive an application from me for their Volunteer Development Manager, even though they welcome applications from all sections of the community.

Ditto the Petsavers Fundraiser, although the position was based in Gloucester, which would have been handy for my mum and dad's shop.

Espresso education are looking for a Business Development Executive, but the closing date was the 19th October 2007.

Dear Madam/Sir

I noticed that you had the above position advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.

The closing date was the 19th October 2007. I appreciate that I am late, but I have had my mum visiting with her friend Phyllis over the weekend.

Would you still accept my application?

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

For the first time in my little project, I need stationery. Jigsaw want a London Based Visual Merchandise and Stylist. I have to apply in writing to Faye McLeod. I'm off to buy some stamps and an envelope, oh and some new ink for the printer.

END OF PAGE FOUR!!!

Whoever sucked the air out of the plastic wrapping on my ink cartridge did a very good job. It took me at least twenty minutes to get it open. The air must have been sucked out by someone with the lung capacity of an Olympic rower.

So Jigsaw want people who have a proven track record in fashion visual merchandising. Hmm, tricky one.



Faye McLeod
Visual Director
Jigsaw
159 Mortlake Road
Kew
Surrey
TW9 4AW


21st October 2007

Dear Ms McLeod

Re: Visual Merchandisers & stylists

I am writing following your recent advertisement for the above position.

Although, I do not have any direct experience in this area, I do select the appropriate tie for my shirt every morning. I would like to think that I rarely make a fashion faux-pas. I would hope that the people at work would tell me if I did.

I also do my own hair (with full use of the mirror in the dining room) every morning. I did not used to use any products on my hair, but recently I have been taken to using a styling wax by VO5; it is very good.

I have taken a picture of the styling wax to prove that I use it. You will notice from the picture that there is one of those funny orb things above the pot. I don't know what this means, but I think it may mean that this was meant to be the job for me.

Please find attached Curriculum Vitae, and picture with the funny orb thingy on it.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Encs: Picture and CV