Thursday 6th December 2007

So far this week, I have been avoiding things. I have not phoned Dagmar, and I have not applied for the Scotland Manager's job.

This week, I have mostly been seeing PEAS.

So I should crack on. No administration tonight, so I reckon I can apply for the rest of the jobs on page 19. I feel that as soon as I get to page twenty I am in the home straight. A bit like Christine Ohurugu must feel like when she rounds the final corner.

Annely Juda Fine Art seeks an Assistant to the Director. Annely Juda, was that a Star Wars character? Anyway too late for me to use my force, as the apply by date was yonks ago.

The Wildlife Trusts: Charity, see countless times above.

Ditto St George's bristol.

Eventus

'We are based in Sheffield with a national reputation for applied creativity.'

Come on, seriously, national reputation? Have you heard of them?

Transport for London must have recruited for Head of Government and Stakeholder Relations by now. Apply by date was the 19th October.

Leeds
Live it
Love it

Well, I can't; the closing date was 11th October.

The National Maritime Museum were looking for sales people to sell their events. ABD 8/10/07.

END OF PAGE 19!!!

Come on Christine, let's do the final straight.

Odd, really.

The first advert on the next page is for sports news reporting.

Wednesday 5th December 2007

Applications: 93 Rejections: 5 Replies: 30 (29 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

I love the M25. My favourite section is driving clockwise around junction 16.

PEAS

Anyone that knows it will love it too. Written on the viaduct that straddles the motorway.

Driving anticlockwise, as I did today, I only got to see the smaller peas 06.

How do they do that?

It must take some real planning. I mean, you have to know how to get to that particular place. There must be rail lines and dangerous stuff in order to do it. More than that, you have to carry paint pots, without getting caught.

Anyway, I did the full circuit of the M25 today, on my way to Feltham. Northbound there and southbound on the way home. I must say, Eddie Stobart, let the side down. It was 5-0 to Nobby on the way there, and 1-0 on the way back. Was it an ironic strike by the Brits? Who knows, but it was pants.

I also forgot to call Dagmar Gekcova, I will have to do this tomorrow.

If anyone is interested, the two properties that I visited today were in fairly good order.

Remedica are looking for a new Editor and Editorial Assistant.

Dear Scott

I would like to apply for your positions in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.

I am late in applying, sorry.

Please find attached my CV for your perusal.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours sincerely


Ian Carpenter

NAYT APD 22/10/07, Annely Juda Fine Art, APD 8/10/07.

TFL4626 APD19/10/07.

Anyway, I was a bit scared coming into the house tonight. Nicky was at some school thing, and I had the whole house to myself. I have not put up a curtain in the dining room, so it was all pitch black...

Nothing Barrynormal to report tonight though.

Tuesday 4th December 2007

We experienced something Barrynormal tonight.

It was really frightening.

Nicky and I had just sat down to our dinner. We were tucking in when we were both sprayed with ice cold water. Honestly, both of us, ice cold water, on our arms. We looked up to the ceiling to wait for the inevitable crash of plasterboard around our ears. Nothing.

We looked at each other. What was that? Then the lights went out. Just the lights, the television stayed on and everything.

I blame Barry's orbs.

We were petrified, honestly.

Anyway, I received a reply from The Brooklands Group. Now, just to refresh your memory, dear reader, I applied with this covering letter:

Dear Sue

I note with renewed interest your advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I would like to apply for all three positions advertised. They were:

Circulation and Marketing Manager
PR Manager (magazines, events, corporate)
Sponsorship Manager

Please find attached my CV for your perusal.

I would be grateful if you could clarify one thing. Why do you have to wait six months for the medical and insurance benefits, whereas you get the free chocolate immediately?

I only mention this, because I was in Waitrose over the weekend, and they had a bar of chocolate that was £6.50. £6.50 for a bar of chocolate?!?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

And they reply with:

Dear Ian

Thank you for your email in response to our recruitment advertisement in the Guardian of 29th September.

All three vacancies have now been successfully recruited, so we are unable to process your application.

Thank you for your interest in Brooklands Group, we wish you every success for the future.

Regards,

Sue Thorne
HR Director

No mention of the chocolate? I am not having that.

Dear Sue

Thank you for your e-mail.

I am sorry that all three positions have now been recruited.

I would still like to know why you get free chocolates immediately, but have to wait for the medical and insurance benefits.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

I forgot to take Dagmar Grekcova's number to work this morning, so I will have to call him tomorrow.

university college for the creative arts

(get you with your non-capital letters)

and then:

ARE YOU CREATIVE?

Interviews 22nd October, that was almost two months ago.

Greenwich & Lewisham Young People's theatre are (were) looking for an Administrative Director.

APD 16/10/07.

The Barrynormal thing was real, and frightening.

Monday 3rd December 2007

Applications: 92 Rejections: 5 Replies: 29 (28 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

Honestly, it really is the best present in the world.

Really good.

It has inspired me to start my own sub-project. News of which can only be revealed on Christmas Day. There are several people involved at the office, but I can not say more.

Talking about the office, we have instigated a new system.

For several months, whenever Simon and I leave the office for lunch or whatever, there is always an awkward moment at the door. It's a bit like the Chuckle Brothers. No you first, no after you, no really I insist, etc.

What we have instigated is a four week rotational system.

There are five days in a week, given.

Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday do not have an 'r' in them, whereas Thursday and Friday do.

So, on a Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, Simon goes through the door first. On a Thursday and Friday, I go through the door first, quite simple.

However, more observant readers will have noticed that Simon gets to go through the door first on three days, and me on only two. This is where the four week rotational system comes into play (I intend to use this in my forthcoming interview with Brian Barwick).

For the first week, it is Simon with the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday three day bias. The second week it is me with the MTW three day bias. I keep the three day bias in the third week, before Simon gets it back in the fourth week, and thus completing the cycle.

Brilliant! And it worked for the whole day today. There was no awkwardness at the door or anything.

Anyway, an e-mail...

Dear Ian,

Thank you for sending me your CV and applying for International Sales Executive position (through Careers UK). I have been trying to reach you over the phone, but unfortunately I was not successful.

Ian, the position we are recruiting for is telephone based position in the office in Central London (telesales). We are contacting senior decision makers in Banking, Finance and Insurance Industry across Europe. It is a full time job (Mon-Fri). To begin with, please visit our websites www.marcusevans.com (this will give you an understanding of the company mission, profile, values, when we started, global offices and all of the different services we provide) and www.mefinance.com (to understand different Banking, Finance & Insurance conferences we offer our clients).
From this research we can have an initial phone based interview to tell you more about the company and also for me to understand your career prospects and requirements.
Please call me tomorrow to arrange your phone screen interview.

Regards,

Dagmar Grekcova
MARCUS EVANS conferences
Banking, Finance & Insurance Division Europe

How exciting!

I applied for their job two months late, and they still want me to call them! I have been doing this for over two months, and I have only had a human contact with Lesley-Ann from tenuk. I am really excited. (Not that I want the job you understand, but it is a human contact!)

Top five ridiculous names (revised):

1. David Younghusband
2. Marike Dippenaar
3. Sir Menzies Campbell (phonetically Ming)
4. Orkan Ahmadov
5. Dagmar Grekcova

I can't wait to phone them tomorrow.

Other news, Barrynormal sent me a picture of his hand, covered in creosote (No orbs). I would love to show everyone, but it looks like something out of All Creatures Great and Small.

The Scotland FA does not seem to be in a rush to appoint a manger, so I will not stress too much about getting my application to them.

Saturday 1st December 2007

Applications: 92 Rejections: 5 Replies: 28 (27 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 3! Withdrawn applications: 1

We found a fantastic website today, with a great idea for a Christmas present! I can't say any more, but just wait until Christmas day. It is genius! I don't use that word lightly, it is absolutely genius.

Mr Site wants a PR executive contact jobs@mrsite.co.uk

Dear Madam/Sir

I noted, with pre-seasonal Christmas joy, your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

How did you possibly obtain the website mrsite.co.uk? Did you not have competition from other people? I don’t know anyone called Mrs Ite, but I am sure they would be interested in your domain name.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

The UK film Council want a Diversity Executive:

'With you excellent knowledge and understanding of diversity, access and inclusion issues, and a strong track record of delivering diversity strategies and programmes you will be expected to provide expert advice and support to the UKFC.'

Ok, my advice, never order the great big bucket of chicken. Eyes bigger than belly etc.

Apply by date 15/10/07.

Audley Travel (Form an Audley Cue; see Jules Segal, Greeting the 500) want Country Specialists. Brilliant, I was born in the Forest of Dean, which is proper country.

'If you are applying for a Country Specialist role, please include your travel history with dates and durations.'

Dear Madam/Sir

I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. I was mesmerised by the image of the mill from which you work.

I am a country specialist. I was born in the Forest of Dean, and that really is in the country.

I used to play army with a friend of mine, called Paul Watkins in the ferns.

It was all good fun.

Anyway, I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Closing date for Kew gardens was the 5th October, pants.

END OF PAGE 18!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, it is the best present I have ever bought. I wish I could tell.

Friday 30th November 2007

I received a phone call at 9.30 this morning at work from my parents.

My Uncle Glyn died last night in his sleep. He was only 59 years old.

It shocked me, to be quite honest. It was completely unexpected. I am very upset.

Tom Stoppard in Rozencrantz and Guildenstern are dead (1999:64) voices through Rozencrantz:

'We have no control. None at all...Whatever came of the first moment when one first knew about death? There must have been one, a moment, in childhood when it first occurred to you that you don't go on for ever. It must have been shattering - stamped into one's memory. And yet I can't remember it. It never occurred to me at all.'

'For all the compasses in the world, there's only one direction, and time is its only measure.'

Time is indeed its only measure, and it was too short for my Uncle Glyn.

So I am going to raise a glass to him tonight. I didn't see him very often, but I miss him.

Thursday 29th November 2007

That says it all.