Friday 21st December 2007
My computer crashed last night.
I thought that I had lost 3 months worth of failed job applications. It was not to be. Les (of Liz and Les fame) came through a treat. He is a legend, and managed to restore all of the pointless drivel from my little project.
I would just like to mention my friend Garrett. It was his birthday yesterday, and I forgot to send him a card. I have known Garrett for 16 years, and I have always sent him a card on his birthday. This year, I forgot. I apologise Garrett, but I wish you a happy birthday for yesterday.
I still respect Garrett's dad's opinion on Terry Wogan.
I had the day off today to do my Christmas Shopping. I woke up with no computer (see above), and the telly was on the blink.
I managed to fix it.
There was someone today on the weakest link, that looked like an older Billy Bragg. His name was Charles, and he got voted off in third place... Billy, seriously, ask for a copy of the video, he was you in ten years time.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Thursday 20th December 2007
Dear Ian
Thank you for your application, but unfortunately the position has been filled.
Best of luck with your search.
Regards
Katy Edwards Recruitment
Administrator Beechwood Recruitment Limited
Katy@beechwoodrecruit.com
I don't believe them, never mind.
Ofgem wanted an Electronic Communications Editor.
'What we offer you:
Salary Minimum £23,500
30 days annual leave, after two years'
They work you hard in the government, you get no holidays for two years. APD 8 October 2007.
The lounge are:
'Recruiting now:
Full time students seeking P/T promotional work.
(Non-students can also apply)'
Have a look at their website http://theloungegroup.com. They are a trendy marketing agency that are targeting the under 35 market. They promote things at Universities and clubs, and their website is full of pictures of bright young things having a marvellous time.
Dear all at the lounge group.
Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 left me with a feeling like I had just eaten a sherbet lemon.
I am not a student anymore, but your advert said that I can apply anyway.
I have to tell you that I am 35 years old next August, so I will be outside of your target age range, does this make a difference?
I notice from your website that a lot of your promotions take place in nightclubs. I haven’t been to a night club in years. We prefer to have people around for a few nibbles and drinks. I find that you can’t have a decent conversation in a nightclub, as the music is just too loud.
However, I attach my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Digital Designer for Somethin' Else closed on the 15/10/07.
END OF PAGE 21!!!
Dear Ian,
The Lounge Group is a Marketing and PR agency which specialises in the under 35s demographic. While our campaigns aim to target this demographic this does not exclude those over 35s from joining our network of field staff. Although the advert was aimed to target students as we were hoping to recruit candidates for specific campaigns (i.e. those on university campuses) we review every application on its own merits and consider applicants from all walks of life.
It is true that some of our campaigns are held at night clubs but the vast majority are not.
We have closed our applications for this year but will consider your application early in the New Year.
Kind regards and Season’s Greetings
Nic Fine
Operations Executive
Dear Ian
Thank you for your application, but unfortunately the position has been filled.
Best of luck with your search.
Regards
Katy Edwards Recruitment
Administrator Beechwood Recruitment Limited
Katy@beechwoodrecruit.com
I don't believe them, never mind.
Ofgem wanted an Electronic Communications Editor.
'What we offer you:
Salary Minimum £23,500
30 days annual leave, after two years'
They work you hard in the government, you get no holidays for two years. APD 8 October 2007.
The lounge are:
'Recruiting now:
Full time students seeking P/T promotional work.
(Non-students can also apply)'
Have a look at their website http://theloungegroup.com. They are a trendy marketing agency that are targeting the under 35 market. They promote things at Universities and clubs, and their website is full of pictures of bright young things having a marvellous time.
Dear all at the lounge group.
Your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07 left me with a feeling like I had just eaten a sherbet lemon.
I am not a student anymore, but your advert said that I can apply anyway.
I have to tell you that I am 35 years old next August, so I will be outside of your target age range, does this make a difference?
I notice from your website that a lot of your promotions take place in nightclubs. I haven’t been to a night club in years. We prefer to have people around for a few nibbles and drinks. I find that you can’t have a decent conversation in a nightclub, as the music is just too loud.
However, I attach my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Digital Designer for Somethin' Else closed on the 15/10/07.
END OF PAGE 21!!!
Dear Ian,
The Lounge Group is a Marketing and PR agency which specialises in the under 35s demographic. While our campaigns aim to target this demographic this does not exclude those over 35s from joining our network of field staff. Although the advert was aimed to target students as we were hoping to recruit candidates for specific campaigns (i.e. those on university campuses) we review every application on its own merits and consider applicants from all walks of life.
It is true that some of our campaigns are held at night clubs but the vast majority are not.
We have closed our applications for this year but will consider your application early in the New Year.
Kind regards and Season’s Greetings
Nic Fine
Operations Executive
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Wednesday 19th December 2007
We put up our Christmas tree tonight.
Yes, I know it is a little late, but we have been a bit busy recently. We went to the shops after work, as we did not have any Christmas tree lights. I don't think the people in the shops could believe we were still looking for Christmas tree lights. Well, in our house we believe in the six days of Christmas; after all it only takes half as long. Then, we can sit on the bus with Lenny, and buy bread, petrol etc., without being beaten around the ribcage with the aforementioned pointy elbows of the middle classes. Anyway, we were after the plain white tree lights that you can get. However, the only ones left were snooker balls on a string.
We had our work's Christmas Lunch today, very amusing. I had a slight panic attack as we walked into the Toby Carvery. I had never seen so many people on works Christmas lunches; people who were obviously thinking that they would rather be somewhere else.
Christmas, got to love it.
No responses on the job front today, so on we go...
Nature Publishing Group, well by their apply by date.
'No experience?
First Office Job?
You should be a new Graduate with good A Level and GCSE grades to join our busy recruitment office. The work is varied and will include general administrative duties, liaising with candidates and clients as well as answering telephone and email enquiries and you must be able to work on your own initiative.'
You don't need to be a graduate to punctuate properly.
Dear Katy
I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I have to admit that your sentences were a bit long and I think that they may have needed some punctuation but I am willing to overlook this as I would like to apply for your position anyway and have attached my curriculum vitae for your perusal if you would not mind reading it at all.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
FORSTER; too charity based.
The United Reform Church, APDs well gone.
The British Library wanted a project Manager.
We put up our Christmas tree tonight.
Yes, I know it is a little late, but we have been a bit busy recently. We went to the shops after work, as we did not have any Christmas tree lights. I don't think the people in the shops could believe we were still looking for Christmas tree lights. Well, in our house we believe in the six days of Christmas; after all it only takes half as long. Then, we can sit on the bus with Lenny, and buy bread, petrol etc., without being beaten around the ribcage with the aforementioned pointy elbows of the middle classes. Anyway, we were after the plain white tree lights that you can get. However, the only ones left were snooker balls on a string.
We had our work's Christmas Lunch today, very amusing. I had a slight panic attack as we walked into the Toby Carvery. I had never seen so many people on works Christmas lunches; people who were obviously thinking that they would rather be somewhere else.
Christmas, got to love it.
No responses on the job front today, so on we go...
Nature Publishing Group, well by their apply by date.
'No experience?
First Office Job?
You should be a new Graduate with good A Level and GCSE grades to join our busy recruitment office. The work is varied and will include general administrative duties, liaising with candidates and clients as well as answering telephone and email enquiries and you must be able to work on your own initiative.'
You don't need to be a graduate to punctuate properly.
Dear Katy
I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I have to admit that your sentences were a bit long and I think that they may have needed some punctuation but I am willing to overlook this as I would like to apply for your position anyway and have attached my curriculum vitae for your perusal if you would not mind reading it at all.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
FORSTER; too charity based.
The United Reform Church, APDs well gone.
The British Library wanted a project Manager.
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Tuesday 18th December 2007
The best Christmas present in the World, ever, I promise.
It arrived today.
From Switzerland.
It is brilliant, I promise you. I can not reveal more. However, full pictures will be available on Christmas day. So after I have watched Queeny, they will be uploaded on to the blog.
I spent the day today out on site, visiting a property in Vauxhall that has had a flood recently. I decided to drive, and was pleasantly surprised that it only took me one hour and ten minutes to get there. It was a glorious drive along the Embankment. London is a glorious city.
I say that.
The A13 was closed on the way out of London, due to someone having a crash around Barking. So I sat on the East India Dock Road having a road race with a bloke on roller skates. I am proud to say that the bloke on the roller skates won. Well done whoever it was that had a crash today.
Two and a half hours to get back to the office.
I got back to the office and some people had been out for a Christmas Lunch. They were still wearing their Christmas Santa hats, how I laughed!!!
One of my work associates, Martin, had left a message on my answerphone. He is a Tottenham fan, and was disappointed when I was recently turned down for their Manager's position. He was going up to Manchester City to watch Spurs in the Carling Cup.
The message was a five minute commentary of Nobby versus Stobby all the way up to Manchester. The final score was something like 26-11! I will try and transcribe the message tomorrow to give a full report.
Anyway, I had better apply for a few jobs. Come on Christine, we are almost there!
The Oldie job has passed it's apply by date. (10/10/07)
Page 21...
Communications Manager for Amsterdam and Brussels for Greenpeace. APD 4/10/07.
The Arch Nemesis. Closing Date 5th October 2007. I didn't want to be their web designer anyway.
THINK want the following people:
Creative Director £AAE
Account Manager/Associate Publisher
Chief Sub-Editor and Sub-Editors
Junior/Production Designer
Picture Editor
Production Assistant
Freelancers - we need you
Dear Ms Boulter
I am writing following your now not so recently advertised jobs in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I appreciate that I am late in responding, but I would like to apply for all of the positions advertised.
Can you believe I was stuck on the A13 today for around two hours?
I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
How to tv want some people:
'Please send CVs and Salary/Package expectations'
Dear Karen
I admired your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
You have asked that I send in CVs. Unfortunately, I only have one CV, but I attach it for your perusal.
As far as salary and package goes, I am not really that bothered.
I went to a property today, and got so much stick, that I thought I might like to get in a canoe, and go to Panama for a few years.
I look forward to your earliest response.
Kind regards
Ian carpenter
Cultural Enterprise Ofiice: Charity.
Folk, roots and world music development: APD 5/10/07.
Anyway, Spurs beat Man City tonight, so I reckon there may be a drunken Nobby v Stobby recorded at around three a.m. tomorrow morning, I will let you know.
The best Christmas present in the World, ever, I promise.
It arrived today.
From Switzerland.
It is brilliant, I promise you. I can not reveal more. However, full pictures will be available on Christmas day. So after I have watched Queeny, they will be uploaded on to the blog.
I spent the day today out on site, visiting a property in Vauxhall that has had a flood recently. I decided to drive, and was pleasantly surprised that it only took me one hour and ten minutes to get there. It was a glorious drive along the Embankment. London is a glorious city.
I say that.
The A13 was closed on the way out of London, due to someone having a crash around Barking. So I sat on the East India Dock Road having a road race with a bloke on roller skates. I am proud to say that the bloke on the roller skates won. Well done whoever it was that had a crash today.
Two and a half hours to get back to the office.
I got back to the office and some people had been out for a Christmas Lunch. They were still wearing their Christmas Santa hats, how I laughed!!!
One of my work associates, Martin, had left a message on my answerphone. He is a Tottenham fan, and was disappointed when I was recently turned down for their Manager's position. He was going up to Manchester City to watch Spurs in the Carling Cup.
The message was a five minute commentary of Nobby versus Stobby all the way up to Manchester. The final score was something like 26-11! I will try and transcribe the message tomorrow to give a full report.
Anyway, I had better apply for a few jobs. Come on Christine, we are almost there!
The Oldie job has passed it's apply by date. (10/10/07)
Page 21...
Communications Manager for Amsterdam and Brussels for Greenpeace. APD 4/10/07.
The Arch Nemesis. Closing Date 5th October 2007. I didn't want to be their web designer anyway.
THINK want the following people:
Creative Director £AAE
Account Manager/Associate Publisher
Chief Sub-Editor and Sub-Editors
Junior/Production Designer
Picture Editor
Production Assistant
Freelancers - we need you
Dear Ms Boulter
I am writing following your now not so recently advertised jobs in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I appreciate that I am late in responding, but I would like to apply for all of the positions advertised.
Can you believe I was stuck on the A13 today for around two hours?
I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
How to tv want some people:
'Please send CVs and Salary/Package expectations'
Dear Karen
I admired your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
You have asked that I send in CVs. Unfortunately, I only have one CV, but I attach it for your perusal.
As far as salary and package goes, I am not really that bothered.
I went to a property today, and got so much stick, that I thought I might like to get in a canoe, and go to Panama for a few years.
I look forward to your earliest response.
Kind regards
Ian carpenter
Cultural Enterprise Ofiice: Charity.
Folk, roots and world music development: APD 5/10/07.
Anyway, Spurs beat Man City tonight, so I reckon there may be a drunken Nobby v Stobby recorded at around three a.m. tomorrow morning, I will let you know.
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday 17th December 2007
'There are peacocks in the trees.'
I sent this text message to my Mum and Dad, when I arrived at the hotel on Friday night.
There really were peacocks in the trees.
We had headed down to a lovely hotel in Climping, West Sussex. As we pulled up to the reception, there was a sign that said;
'Please be aware that peacocks roost in the trees, and may crap on your car.'
Or words to that effect.
Can you imagine peacock pooh? How iridescent can it be?
Mr Peacock: I'm going to the loo, won't be long.
Mrs Peacock: Make sure you flush the chain, the last time you went, the Council were on to us for light pollution.
Anyway, it was a great weekend break, and my car did not get peacock-poohed.
It is always fantastic to go away for a weekend. I am a big fan of the A27, as it meanders through the hills of West Sussex. It is like a full size Scalextric set. Anyone that has driven from Brighton to Bognor will know what I mean.
We turned up at the Hotel on Friday night. It really was idyllic. Literally, in the middle of nowhere. Log fires, four poster beds, the whole works. The oddest thing happened; I was outside having a cigarette after our meal, and one of the people that were on my course at the LSE turned up! I haven't spoken to anyone since leaving two years ago, and yet we both happened to be in the same random hotel, in the middle of nowhere.
Very peculiar.
Also, I saw the most spectacular drunken fall that I have seen in a while, with some poor man that had been at a wedding all day. He found it particularly difficult to negotiate the right hand turn in the path. Flat out, face down.
I'm sorry, but I had to burst out laughing.
I congratulated him on his fall, and asked if he needed a hand, but he did that Billy Connolly, I'm alright nonsense before staggering to his room.
I also took a few pictures of the room. You will see from the first picture that we had our breakfast delivered to the room on Saturday. They delivered us two eggs, one was enormous and the other was tiny. How ridiculous?
The second picture has, I am sorry to say, another orb in it. Will the Barrynormal ever leave me alone?
Anyway, renewed excitement today. I received my first letter! Everything up until now has been by e-mail. This is my first really tangible thing that has been created by my little project. (Well, if you ignore the various origami sculptures that have been coming my way recently). It was from Audley travel. Again, not wishing to get all PG Wodehouse, but I applied to them on the 1st December with:
Dear Madam/Sir
I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. I was mesmerised by the image of the mill from which you work.
I am a country specialist. I was born in the Forest of Dean, and that really is in the country.
I used to play army with a friend of mine, called Paul Watkins in the ferns.
It was all good fun.
Anyway, I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
And they respond with:
Dear Ian
Thank you for your interest in Working for Audley Travel and for taking the time to forward your details to us.
We have read through your CV in detail and whilst some of your skills and experience are relevant, they do not quite match those we currently require for the business at this time. Therefore, we will not be processing your application further.
Ian, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you again for your interest in Audley Travel and I wish you every success in your future career.
Yours sincerely
Human Resources Co-ordinator
Audley Travel Ltd
Hmm...
Fabio Capello gave his first Press Conference today, which was a bit of an anglo-italian farce. The FA would not have had any of the linguistic problems if they had appointed me to this position.
The Government have lost a further 3 million people's personal details from the DVLA today. Add that to the 25 million previously lost, and they really are up to almost half of the UK population. The thing is I am relatively secure, well apart from giving my own personal details to that money laundering scam that is. No, I am not claiming Working Family Tax Credits, and I have not sat my driving test in the past three years, so my personal data with the Government is safe.
'There are peacocks in the trees.'
I sent this text message to my Mum and Dad, when I arrived at the hotel on Friday night.
There really were peacocks in the trees.
We had headed down to a lovely hotel in Climping, West Sussex. As we pulled up to the reception, there was a sign that said;
'Please be aware that peacocks roost in the trees, and may crap on your car.'
Or words to that effect.
Can you imagine peacock pooh? How iridescent can it be?
Mr Peacock: I'm going to the loo, won't be long.
Mrs Peacock: Make sure you flush the chain, the last time you went, the Council were on to us for light pollution.
Anyway, it was a great weekend break, and my car did not get peacock-poohed.
It is always fantastic to go away for a weekend. I am a big fan of the A27, as it meanders through the hills of West Sussex. It is like a full size Scalextric set. Anyone that has driven from Brighton to Bognor will know what I mean.
We turned up at the Hotel on Friday night. It really was idyllic. Literally, in the middle of nowhere. Log fires, four poster beds, the whole works. The oddest thing happened; I was outside having a cigarette after our meal, and one of the people that were on my course at the LSE turned up! I haven't spoken to anyone since leaving two years ago, and yet we both happened to be in the same random hotel, in the middle of nowhere.
Very peculiar.
Also, I saw the most spectacular drunken fall that I have seen in a while, with some poor man that had been at a wedding all day. He found it particularly difficult to negotiate the right hand turn in the path. Flat out, face down.
I'm sorry, but I had to burst out laughing.
I congratulated him on his fall, and asked if he needed a hand, but he did that Billy Connolly, I'm alright nonsense before staggering to his room.
I also took a few pictures of the room. You will see from the first picture that we had our breakfast delivered to the room on Saturday. They delivered us two eggs, one was enormous and the other was tiny. How ridiculous?
The second picture has, I am sorry to say, another orb in it. Will the Barrynormal ever leave me alone?
Anyway, renewed excitement today. I received my first letter! Everything up until now has been by e-mail. This is my first really tangible thing that has been created by my little project. (Well, if you ignore the various origami sculptures that have been coming my way recently). It was from Audley travel. Again, not wishing to get all PG Wodehouse, but I applied to them on the 1st December with:
Dear Madam/Sir
I read your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07. I was mesmerised by the image of the mill from which you work.
I am a country specialist. I was born in the Forest of Dean, and that really is in the country.
I used to play army with a friend of mine, called Paul Watkins in the ferns.
It was all good fun.
Anyway, I attach my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
And they respond with:
Dear Ian
Thank you for your interest in Working for Audley Travel and for taking the time to forward your details to us.
We have read through your CV in detail and whilst some of your skills and experience are relevant, they do not quite match those we currently require for the business at this time. Therefore, we will not be processing your application further.
Ian, I would like to take this opportunity to thank you again for your interest in Audley Travel and I wish you every success in your future career.
Yours sincerely
Human Resources Co-ordinator
Audley Travel Ltd
Hmm...
Fabio Capello gave his first Press Conference today, which was a bit of an anglo-italian farce. The FA would not have had any of the linguistic problems if they had appointed me to this position.
The Government have lost a further 3 million people's personal details from the DVLA today. Add that to the 25 million previously lost, and they really are up to almost half of the UK population. The thing is I am relatively secure, well apart from giving my own personal details to that money laundering scam that is. No, I am not claiming Working Family Tax Credits, and I have not sat my driving test in the past three years, so my personal data with the Government is safe.
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