Wednesday 9th January 2008

I had a tough meeting this morning with a freeholder of one of the properties that I manage and their legal representatives. It was all let's sit round a big table and thrash something out type stuff. It was over some tree work that needed carrying out on a property in North London. It was morning, and quite tough. I felt like I wanted Phyllis to be there and to tell the horrible people to leave Ian alone, he's a nice boy really.

Anyway, the people we had arranged to do the tree work had kindly supplied a quotation for the removal of several trees. Guess what the tree surgeon's name was?

Really guess....

Nigel Chopping.

Fantastic! His name was Nigel Chopping.

This got me thinking, are there any other names that would be more appropriate to a lumberjack than Nigel Chopping?

I consulted with the usual cohort.

Barrynormal sent me by text at around 7.00 p.m. this evening:

Tim Burr
Theresa Green
Theresa Brown

It's a good start. I am sure there are more.

Anyway, no responses from any recent applications today, so on we go...

The University of Central Lancashire wanted a Faculty Marketing Planning Manager (I think they must like gerundives). Anyway, apply by date was 12/10/07.

Skillsmart Retail: Not for profit organisation.

Open Source Center

'The United Staes Government's OPEN SOURCE CENTER (OSC) is looking for a current affairs officer to work in the London area.'

Hmm, this sounds like LoTSA times fifty billion. I have been following the American election race quite closely, but I don't think I want to get involved.

Luckily, the job closed on the 8 October 2007. I was not sure about the line in the advert that read:

'Suitably qualified candidates will be invited for interview and testing.'

Community Co-ordinator required at the Royal Exchange Theatre.

'For further information and an application form please contact Tuesday Spencer.'

Ahem.

Where is the ridiculous names top five?

Top five ridiculous names (revision No.3)

1. David Younghusband
2. Marike Dippenaar
3. Ben Klemenzson
4. Sir Menzies Campbell (phonetically Ming)
5. Tuesday Spencer

Orkan Ahmadov had to go I'm afraid. Although, I could probably expand the list into an all time top stupid names list XI. I reckon the long forgotten Dagmar Greckova would make a brilliant goalie. The young Marike Dippenaar would be a feisty left back, with Ben Klemenzson as the John Terry strong central midfielder.

This might need some work.

Monday 7th January 2007

From the Director of absolute appointments on a Sunday Morning:

Morning Ian

Please can you send your CV to us and we will give you a call

From the other Director of absolute appointments on Monday Morning:

Please forward your CV by return and we will call you for an initial telephone interview.

Claire and Simon respectively, there.

Schoolboy error, they are a recruitment company, and I have already decided not to apply to agencies. But they have both got back to me so...

Hmm.

Foxtons are looking for an image retoucher. That sounds a bit wrong to me.

I first encountered this lot on the 13th November last year, and have been trying to avoid being employed by them ever since.

Dear Harriet

I noted your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am a bit late in applying, but I would like to apply anyway.

This is in spite of the fact that I have no Photoshop skills, no knowledge of Quark Express, Illustrator or Acrobat.

I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Quietroom want a copywriter.

'Quietroom writes copy, produces video and delivers training and communication consultancy to major financial companies and the Government. We're based in North London and need a witty copywriter who:

Likes making complicated things simple
Understands detail but always asks if we really need it
Wants a long term relationship not a holiday romance'

Dear all at Quietroom.

I have been applying for every job in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I came across your advert this evening, and I have to say it is the best job advert that I have encountered on my journey. Well done!

I would like to apply for the position, and have attached my CV for your perusal.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Anyway, I received the onion money from Barry by Pay Pal. He has decided that the money should go to cancer research. I think this is quite fitting, as we have already lost the chain smoking spider to cancer only last year.

Saturday 5th January 2008

Dear Simon or Claire

I am writing following your recent advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

You said that I could spice up 2007 with a career in media sales. However, it is now 2008; can this year be spiced up in the same manner?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Lyric; Charity.

Meyer Group, National Account Manager APD 12/10/07.



Sunday 6th January 2008

Sundays are a great day for generally ruminating about stuff, and coming up with new theories on the way the world works. I bet that it was a Sunday that Charles Darwin landed in HMS Beagle at the Galapagos Islands, met a turtle, and thought about his theory of evolution.

Einstein probably had his initial thoughts about relativity, whilst watching the darts on BBC2, at around 6 p.m. on a Sunday. I mean, do the darts move relative to the bloke in the audience with a giant ginger wig on?

We all know that Karl Marx’s theory of alienation was thought up on a Sunday (Especially the bit about being alienated from species being.). How many times have we all felt alienated from our species being on a Sunday Morning?

Well here is my theory:

You know how a dog’s age is measured in ‘dog years’? My Nan and Grandad’s dog, Scratch, died when he was about 10, but this was about 78 in ‘dog years’. Well I think the same is true for premiership football players. It was only about two years ago, I’m sure of it, that Michael Owen was the new kid on the block. A child prodigy, 16 years old, and the best prospect in British Football. And now he is about 28 years old. How did that happen? I think that there is a new theory of evolution, called ‘premiership footballer years’.

I mentioned this to Nicky, and she thought that maybe we could expand on it a bit. We all remember Madonna hitting the music scene as a feisty 20ish person, and now she is an icon, and has become older than us, more quickly than normal humans.

So, I submit my new theory: the theory of ‘Celebrity Years’.

Maybe not.

Anyway, we had another power cut this evening. The new torch that I bought the other day when we had a power cut is officially rubbish. On the side of it, it claims to have the power of 3,500,000 candles. Admittedly it does, it lit the entire house from the kitchen. Sadly, only for about ten minutes. Then you have to charge it up again, which is slightly tricky when you have a power cut.

Other big news.

I mentioned on the 24th November 2007 that when you put guardianwork into Google, this little blog comes first in the list. Well I put guardianwork in this evening, and guess what? The Guardian Newspaper’s Jobs link comes up as a sponsored link. How did that happen?

Friday 4th January 2008

Chelsea Square are looking for a Designer/Specifier:

'Working mainly on refurbishments of Victorian Properties, the successful candidate will be conversant with autoCAD, possess a high level of design creativity encompassing spatial awareness[.]'

Dear Michael

I fumbled across your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I would like to apply for your position as Designer/Specifier.

I can not confess to be conversant with autoCAD. Is this one of those new computer games that you can talk to? I do not know of it, but I am willing to learn.

I do have a high level of design creativity, and a great deal of spatial awareness. In my opinion, Ursa Major looks nothing like a great bear, and as for the hunter Orion, I ask you.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Contemporary Design Gallery London.

Hang on, this sounds like the last scam (see 24th October).

Dear Madam/Sir

I read with some concern your advert in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.

I say this because I applied for a similar position, from a similar sized advert, in the same paper. It was on page 9 towards the bottom of the paper.

It turned out to be a scam!

Can you assure me that before I send my CV, this is a genuine job opportunity?

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

END OF PAGE 22!!! 7 PAGES TO GO!!!!

Thursday 3rd January 2008

Bad news I'm afraid.

My sister has had a fag. I got the text message at around 11.00 p.m. this evening. Still, nearly three days is not bad. It's a good effort.

There was a power cut in Shoeburyness last Friday. Apparently 22,000 were without electric for the whole night. One of these 22,000 was a colleague Dan at work, who had just returned from the peak district, and had no food or anything in.

I only mention this, as we had a power cut last night. Of course, we had no candles in, and so I had to go to Waitrose (See above, Waitrose Ceilidh). All the twenty two thousand people in Shoebury had bought every single candle in Waitrose. They had no candles. Well, apart from four Christmassy, glittery things.

So I bought them; I had no choice. Four candles? The two Ronnies would have been proud of me.

I also bought a great big torch in B&Q. I mean massive, I could eat my dinner of the lens on the front. This was all good until I brought it home. I read in gloriously Dickensian candlelight that you had to charge the bloody thing up first.

Oh well.

No e-mails today, well I have been slacking over Christmas I suppose. Let's crack on...

TNT Magazine:

Deputy Sales Manager

Events Marketing Executive.

'You will need previous media sales experience, excellent account management skills and the ability to lead a team.'


Dear Madam/Sir

I read with alacrity your advert for the above roles in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am slightly tardy in my application, but would like to apply for the two positions advertised.

You stipulated that I may need previous media sales experience. Well, on December 30th, the film Babe was on the telly. My partner did not want to watch it at first, but I managed to sell it to her. In the end she quite enjoyed it! Moreover, she is a vegetarian!

I also have excellent account management skills. I once managed to avoid being charged for an excess overdraft fee, by using the internet.

I have experience in leading a team. On December 30th (sorry to repeat myself), there was a film on after Babe called Snow Dogs. He had to lead a team of husky dogs in order to pull his sled. The funny thing was, he kept tripping over the lead!

Anyway, I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

PS Do you write about dynamite?

Monday, no Tuesday 1st January 2007, sorry 2008

So, another Christmas over with.

I think I shall just sit on the bus with Lenny.

The pictures represent the start and the end of my seasonal festivities.

The socks are the best Christmas present that I have ever bought. There was a website, in Switzerland, where you see pictures of around twenty Grannies. There were all sorts of pictures of Grannies. Young Grannies, Old Grannies, Big Grannies, Small Grannies. You had to select a Granny that you most liked. You clicked on a picture and then you were taken to a screen of the different designs you could choose. And this Swiss Granny would knit you a pair of socks for Christmas!

How fantastic!

So Rita, our favourite Swiss Granny, knitted a pair of socks for my common-law Mother in Law (Is there such a term?). Now, you have to bear in mind the whole transaction was completed in German, I felt ever so proud of us for doing this; GCSE German was only taken as a subsidiary subject whilst doing my A-levels over 17 years ago. So with the help of the Collins Gem German Dictionary (now in colour), my common-law Mother in Law has a pair of socks knitted by Rita.

Before you ask how I came across a site with Grannies on it, I read about it in The Independent.

We spent last night at Ann and Alex's (Alex and Ann would just be wrong; see above). Ann is Liz, of Liz and Les fame's sister, and Alex is her husband. They recently got married in Las Vegas, as Alex is a big Elvis fan. We had a stag/hen do in a great place in Scotland earlier on in the year. A place called Assynt House, with Graham and Liz (you know I think Liz and Graham might work here, hmm) as excellent hosts. It was a great weekend. So last night, felt like a bit of a re-union. The parachute in the picture was a present from Liz and Les. You stick it on the end of a champagne cork, and your champagne cork comes down on a parachute; brilliant!

We found it on the windscreen of Nick's car when we picked it up at 4 p.m. this afternoon, with a post-it note from Alex:

'Don't forget your parachute'.

Good work all round I would say.

So let's sit on the bus.

The onions went for £5.07. They were won by Barrynormal. There was a brief flurry of bidding on Christmas Eve (I think everyone was excited), but Barry has won the onions. I wonder which charity will be £5.07 better off.

The Fostering Network wanted a Media and Communications officer. Charity.

Women & Theatre wanted a General Manager. APD 15/10/07.

The Ecologist:

'The world's leading environmental Magazine needs someone to manage our website. If you:

Have experience editing copy
Can repackage and source copy
Can develop audience interaction and UGC
Can compile a weekly newsletter
Are able to re-launching a website

Please e-mail your CV.'

Honestly, am I able to re-launching a website? Can these people not write properly? I was just about to apply when I saw the .org website. These people needed to be told, but hey ho.

Hounslow Council wanted:

Finance Manager

Customer Relations Manager

Marketing Officer

All passed their apply by dates.

The Wall Street Journal wanted a Commissioning Editor - Special Sections.

Special Sections?

APD 5/10/07.

My sister, Alison; you remember the one with the Cindy doll, has given up smoking for the New Year. I sent her a text message at 6.00 p.m; still not had a fag. Come on Alison, you can do it.

Monday 24th December 2007

I have discovered the origins of Mornington Crescent.

My Mother in Law bought me a book on Mah-Jongg:

Rule 122 (e):

'If a player completes his hand by robbing a kong of two bamboos, he scores a full hand. This is termed as 'Scratching a Carrying Pole'.'

Whereas rule, 122 (f):

'If a player completes a kong, with the loose tile thus obtained completes a second kong, and with the second loose tile obtains Mah-Jongg, he scores a full hand. This is termed 'Kong upon kong', or 'Twofold Fortune'. The requirement for this hand is that two kongs and the whole hand should be completed in one and the same turn. '

Winchmore Hill.

The auction for the onions is up to £1.20.