Wednesday 21st October 2007

Applications: 84 Rejections: 5 Replies: 25 (24 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1

No e-mails received today.

Perhaps everyone was down the pub watching England get beaten 3-2 by Croatia. I thought it was a fairly exciting game, despite everyone's doom and gloom.

So on with posh page 17...

'Jane's Information Group offers a range of integrated advertising, intelligence and consultancy solutions in five specialist areas - defence, security, transport, public safety and law enforcement.'


Hmm...

I see another LoTSa here.

Dear Emma

I read with interest your advertisements in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

I appreciate that I am slightly late in responding, but I would still like to apply.

Firstly, I can’t help mentioning that you have missed a trick. You are marketing your organisation as Jane’s. Jane’s Information Group would lend itself to the acronym JIG. Just think of the possibilities!!!

JIGSAW- a monthly newsletter, where you tell everyone about the defence, security, transport, public safety and law enforcement that you have observed over the last month.

Let’s JIG! A once a month party when all like minded people can have a bit of a boogie, whilst discussing defence, security, etc.

I hope you are interested in my ideas.

I have attached my CV for your perusal and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

So we come to Sheridan Edward at Modern Art Oxford.

Charity, I am afraid, but take a look at their site www.modernartoxford.org.uk.

Titan Publishing Group want editors for comics, and designers. Apply by date 28/09/07.

What?!?!?

The paper was published on the 29/09/07.

Dear Madam/Sir

I was stupefied by your advert in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.

Your advert asked that I apply for the job by the 28/09/07. Are you really expecting people to have developed a time machine?

I appreciate that you are publishing comics, but in the real world, I do not think that is possible.

However, I would like to try.

An associate of mine, who I call Paranormal Barry, could probably assist. Whenever he takes a photo, funny orbs appear in it.

I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to your earliest reply.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Two small adverts in the corner warrant no more than me sending them my CV:

Dear Madam/Sir

Please find attached my CV.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

Can you imagine next summer, when the European championships are on? No UK teams. Oh well, at least the gutters will not be full of those stupid flags that have fallen off the car windows.

Every cloud...

Tuesday 20th November 2007

Applications: 77 Rejections: 5 Replies: 25 (24 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1


I'm out of the office. For urgent coverage questions until 1930 GMT, please call the Frankfurt desk at +49 69 29 725 500.

I will be back at my desk at around 0630 GMT Tuesday, Nov. 20.

Klaus Brune
News Editor, Germany

I have had so much interaction with Klaus, I feel that I know him personally.


Welcome to the Guardian Jobs newsletter

Dear Ian,
This November we have new education vacancies to set your enthusiasm alight. Following the launch of last month's jobs mobile service, we have a new video section with advice from how to write a covering letter to becoming the office hero. Guardian Jobs has all the help and advice you need at your fingertips.

Careers advice videosWant to know how to tell your boss you've made a big mistake? Or how to negotiate the salary for your new job? The videos offer straightforward, no nonsense advice on a range of work and career-related subjects.
Public gives teachers a glowing reportA recent survey has found public perceptions of teachers, and of teaching as a career, are surprisingly positive. Until recently, those in the profession, spurred on by negative stereotypes in the media and a lack of government support, have often believed the public did not have a very high opinion of teachers. But 50% of the public questioned now see teaching as an attractive career.

Dear JeremyWhether it's a personality clash in the office or an unwanted relocation issue our agony uncle Jeremy Bullmore will help you find a solution.
How's your work/life balance?Work/life balance doesn't just mean getting to the pub on time. There are new ways for employers and employees to decide on working hours and allot benefits. Try our quiz to find out if you know what 'getting wlb' involves.
Guardian Job services

Upload your CV
Jobs by email
Jobs by web feed
Jobmatch
People profiler
Jobs on your mobile


Browse

Arts and Heritage (210)
Government (523)
Media (1,696)

Charities (629)
Graduate (683)
Recruitment (420)

Construction (152)
Health (4,371)
Retail (25)

Consultancy (176)
Hospitality (39)
Sales (1,094)

Customer Service (33)
Housing (216)
Science (53)

Education (1,121)
HR & Training (112)
Secretarial (781)

Engineering (2,485)
IT & Telecoms (248)
Senior Executive (265)

Environment (257)
Legal (56)
Social Care (502)

Finance (310)
Leisure (17)
Travel & Transport (1,653)

General (188)
Marketing & PR (2,031)
Volunteering (38)
Recruiting now

If you do not wish to receive further emails from Guardian Jobs, please click unsubscribe from Guardian Jobs. If you do not wish to receive further emails from the Guardian please click unsubscribe from the Guardian. View Guardian Jobs Terms & Conditions.


The Guardian are really taking the proverbial now.

On a lighter note, the Government have today given away the personal details of 25 million people. This includes bank details, names and addresses of everyone in the UK that qualifies for family tax credits. This really puts my little error with the Complementry Art Gallery into perspective.

We have also tried to set up the inaugural meeting of the Southend Poppadom Society. Well I say we, more like Simon and me, in an Indian restaurant on Friday night. I am trying to get some takers, but no-one seems interested. Let's see what happens.

The chain smoking spider has really ceased to be. Hippy and Lenny are all ok (They are greatly relieved that the fireworks have dissipated).

So on with the jobs:

Oh no wait...

Paranormal Barry has been doing some repairs on a property that I manage. He sent me a picture of some fences that he has been working on. Guess what? Another orb.

I have also been trying to purloin pianos from various people at work. They all seem to have friends that own them, but are not willing to lend me them for The City Council of Liverpool.

Senior Public Affairs Manager at energywatch ;ABD 15/10/07.

Casual Subeditors, observer sport. I reckon I wouldn't have to wear a tie. Anyway, closing date was 7/10/07.

END OF PAGE 16!!!!

Page 17 looks a bit posh. I think I'll leave it until tomorrow. Sheridan Edward from Modern Art Oxford can surely wait another day for my application.

Monday 19th November 2007

Thurs 15 Nov
Floodlit game Leamington Spa to Basildon
Nobby 9 v 8 Stobby

Didn't play the trip to Leamington thankfully, too many Frenchies about.
Was heading for a disaster game as the M40 left Stobby trailing 5 - 1!! Zut Alors! On the M25 I saw a lorry emblazoned Carpenters. Just thought you might like to know.
Unusually saw 2 Tate and Lyle tankers - but they could not be counted. You have to have rules. Without rules where would we be? France.
M25 was kind - in terms of the game, not the damn traffic. After thinking the thrashing on the M40 was irreversable the score was hauled back to 6 all! Just after the A10 our hearts were broken by the sight of a Nobby 7 - 6. Bugger.
A Nobby tanker rubbed salt in the wound at the A12 before another Stobby restored hope 8 - 7.
Unbelievably a Nobby was ambling along in the queue for the A127 9 - 7.
Despite a late Stobby just by the turn off it ended 9 - 8. Merde.

Good game.

Al Murray, the pub landlord, would be happy with the anti-French stuff. Yes it is a parody ladies and gentlemen.

Anyway, I had loads of emails today.

Dear Ian

Thank you for your recent application via Marketing Jobboard. Unfortunately your skills and experience do not match what we are looking for at this time.

However, we will keep your details on file and if your skills and experience match a specific role, we will be the first to contact you! If you wish to be removed from our records, please email us at info@brandrecruitment.co.uk .

We wish you all the best in your future career.

All best,

Jayde
___________________________________

I think it was the comment about my bad back, and not wanting to dig in.

Dear Ian,

Thank you for your CV and covering letter. We have no immediate positions, however, we will keep your details on file for 6 months and we will be in contact should a suitable opportunity arise. If you do not wish us to keep your details on file please notify us by return.

Best Wishes
Caroline Garside
HR Administrator

What? You were the ones that advertised in The Guardian, I know you have positions.

Dear Caroline

Thank you for your e-mail.

I have to admit that I was a bit surprised, as I was applying for positions that you have advertised.

However, I am pleased that you are keeping my details on file, and I look forward to hearing from you in the near future.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

And from Frankfurt:

Dear Mr. Carpenter,

sorry, I was out for a couple of days. I'm still in the process of collecting all incoming applications.

I will get back to you if I need more information about your application.

Best regards,

Klaus Brune

See 13th November, Klaus is not good with capital letters.


Dear Mr Brune

Thank you for your e-mail.

I hope you enjoyed your few days holiday. You must be really busy catching up on e-mails. I am grateful for your response.

Please do not hesitate to contact me if I can provide more information.

Kind regards


Ian Carpenter

Anyway, I got into work early this morning. I had a chat with Melissa and Laura, from our accounts department. I brought to their attention my interest in the fine art of origami.

Within ten minutes, I had a crane Mum and Baby on my desk.

I really did not ask them to do it.

But they are fantastic!

Sunday 18th November 2007

I received a fantastic e-mail this afternoon. Can you guess who it was from?

It is not from Klaus Brune, we have already ascertained that he is away from the office until tomorrow morning. Hang on, how did I overlook Hans Joachim-Koch in the ridiculous names list?

No, it was from Nicky's Mum, Jean. It turns out she has been reading the blog, and was taken with the origami:

Hi Eeeeeeyan
Just thought you would like a look at the following

www.britishorigami.org.uk

Who would have thought it.
Methinks they are Liberals - the beards are the giveaway !!!!!!!


As an origami man have you heard of Thoki Yen?
Sadly now deceased.

BOGS
British Origami Gourmet Society - a group of paperfolders who practise folding during meals (see poppadom)
Poppadom
People Out Practising Paperfolding And Dining On Masala - a group of folders who enjoy Indian food See BOGS


Love
Jean

Brilliant!!!

'Thoki began his career as a magician, but developed it far beyond that. For one thing, he had an innate ability as an artist. No hesitant or tentative lines for Thoki! The first lines he drew were always right. Kalmon appeared like magic with just the right posture and expression for what he was telling us. Thoki was able to “draw” with scissors just as well as with a pencil and this led him to develop his act in which he would cut his little cut-and-folded animals. It was suggested to him by a friend, who noticed his unusual abilities and it became for many years his main claim to fame. He devised a large repertoire of models and when he invited the audience to ask them to suggest a creature, he was always able to select an animal from the clamour that went up! It was through this paper-cutting routine that Thoki came to the notice of paperfolders. In the early 1950s, Robert Harbin heard about Thoki through the showmen’s grapevine, but misunderstood and in “Paper Magic” (1956), he mentioned Thoki as being a paperfolder, but a very elusive one.'

Anyway, after all that excitement, on with the jobs.

'Smg is seeking 4 sales executives to join our dynamic team in Amsterdam.'

Great, as discussed above, I lived in Holland for a brief period. It would be nice to go back and meet up with Jaques and the others. No apply by date so here we go:

Dear Tracey Van Gessel

I read with wonder your advertisement for Sales executives to join your team in Amsterdam.

Your advertisement stated that I should visit your website, which I have done. It also requested that I send a motivating letter, so here is my attempt:

A week ago, I did not know how to do origami, but I bought a book. I have attached a picture of a ‘Space Ship’ that I created this afternoon. You see, anything is possible!!!

I hope that this is motivating enough, and I have attached my CV for your perusal.

Kind regards



Ian Carpenter

THE CITY COUNCIL OF LIVERPOOL PROCUREMENT SUPPORT UNIT CONTRACT 1089

Why all capitals? As discussed above, I am a keen supporter of Liverpool Football Club. If you remember, it cost me the Manager's job at Tottenham Hotspur. So I am most intrigued by this job.

'The questionaire document can be downloaded from the Liverpool City Council website at www.liverpool.gov.uk Go to A-Z of service, p for procurement ubit, then current tenders.':

Advert Q10182 Safeguarding Adults - Investigative Skills
Quote Q10182 Safeguarding Adults - Investigative Skills
Advert Q10187 HUB 2008 - Temporary Skate Park
Quote Q10187 HUB 2008 - Temporary Skate Park
Advert Q10189 Liverpool Capital of Culture Events 2008 - Economic Impact Assessment
Quote Q10189 Liverpool Capital of Culture Events 2008 - Economic Impact Assessment
Advert STQ060 Kitchen Equipment for Catering Services
Quote STQ060 Kitchen Equipment for Catering Services
Advert STQ061 Home Improvement Packs (HIPS)
Quote STQ061 Home Improvement Packs (HIPS)
Advert STQ062 Hire of Pianos and Equipment
Quote STQ062 Hire of Pianos and Equipment
Advert STQ063 Production of a Short Video
Quote STQ063 Production of a Short Video

As you can see there is a lot going on in Liverpool at the moment. I couldn't possibly apply for all of these tenders, that would be ridiculous. However, the Hire of Pianos and Equipment does interest me.


INVITATION TO QUOTE
STQ 062
Hire of Pianos /Equipment plus Piano Tuner
Liverpool City Council on behalf of the Liverpool Culture Company is
looking to appoint a supplier to provide the hire of 4 Pianos plus a
piano tuner and other related equipment.
Please see quotation document for specification requirements
For further information or to arrange a site visit please contact [name deleted]
The quotation document may be downloaded from the Liverpool City
Council website at www.liverpool.gov.uk Go to A-Z of council
services, for procurement unit, then current tenders.
Closing date for receipt of completed quotations is 10.00am Friday,
14th December 2007.

Please visit this site, and read the tender request, it is sublime. About 100 pages of clauses, in order to hire 4 pianos plus a piano tuner. It must have taken them the best part of a year to draw it all up. Meetings, follow meetings, and who is going to order the Rich Teas? Do they have to put that out to tender?

INVITATION TO QUOTE
STQ 063
Supply of Rich Tea Biscuits/Digestives plus biscuit taster
Liverpool City Council on behalf of the Liverpool Culture Company is looking to appoint a supplier to provide the supply of 4 packets of biscuits plus a biscuit taster and other related equipment.
Please see quotation document for specification requirements
For further information or to arrange a site visit please contact [name deleted]
The quotation document may be downloaded from the Liverpool City
Council website at www.liverpool.gov.uk Go to A-Z of council
services, for procurement unit, then current tenders.
Closing date for receipt of completed applications is 11.00am Friday, as that is when we are meeting to discuss the proposal for changing from PG Tips to Tetley (subject to approval by the Council).