Monday, November 12, 2007
Monday 12th November 2007
The bowls final yesterday was superb. Why do they spray a bowl that touched the jack with breath freshener? I don't know. It went right down to a tie break. It was fantastic. Paul 'Fozzy' Foster won through in the end.
Not only did I watch the bowls yesterday, but I also bought a book on origami. The photo shows my first effort at creating 'saturn'. I hope you enjoy it.
So on we go,
Financial Times are looking for a Chief Sub-Editor, Sub-Editor, Deputy Production Editor, and a further Sub Editor.
Dear Madam/Sir
I note that you have several positions advertised in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.
I do apologise for the lateness in my reply, but I have been applying for quite a number of jobs recently.
As you can see from my attached CV, I worked in a bank for ten years. How financial is that?
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Ian Carpenter
Guardian Media Group wants an auditor. They should audit their job adverts more frequently, I have already been linked to an illegal marriage in the Philippines. ABD 12/10/07.
Dow Jones Newswires want some people.
7 different jobs!
Dear all
I would like to apply for your jobs in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Please find attached my CV for your perusal.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
The bowls final yesterday was superb. Why do they spray a bowl that touched the jack with breath freshener? I don't know. It went right down to a tie break. It was fantastic. Paul 'Fozzy' Foster won through in the end.
Not only did I watch the bowls yesterday, but I also bought a book on origami. The photo shows my first effort at creating 'saturn'. I hope you enjoy it.
So on we go,
Financial Times are looking for a Chief Sub-Editor, Sub-Editor, Deputy Production Editor, and a further Sub Editor.
Dear Madam/Sir
I note that you have several positions advertised in the Guardian Dated 29/09/07.
I do apologise for the lateness in my reply, but I have been applying for quite a number of jobs recently.
As you can see from my attached CV, I worked in a bank for ten years. How financial is that?
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours sincerely
Ian Carpenter
Guardian Media Group wants an auditor. They should audit their job adverts more frequently, I have already been linked to an illegal marriage in the Philippines. ABD 12/10/07.
Dow Jones Newswires want some people.
7 different jobs!
Dear all
I would like to apply for your jobs in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Please find attached my CV for your perusal.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Sunday, November 11, 2007
Sunday 11th November 2007
Applications: 60 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
I was listening to the food programme on Radio Four this afternoon. I was trying to kill a bit of time whilst waiting for the highly anticipated indoor bowls final at 3 p.m. They were talking about how the future reduction in EU sugar quotas was going to have a detrimental effect on the economies of the Carribean.
It reminded me of that old joke:
Person A: I am taking my wife to the Carribean.
Person B Jamaica?
Person A: No she wanted to go.
I wondered if it could work for other Carribean islands.
A: I am taking my wife, Ana, to the Carribean
B: Guiana?
A: No, she is a woman.
Hmm, maybe...
If anyone can think of any other Carribean islands it could work for, please do not hesitate to post them on the blog.
The Food standards Agency are looking for a Senior Press Officer. Apparently:
'Food has never been a bigger concern of the British public.'
Let's be honest about this, even since the cavemen, food has been a fairly high concern to the general populace. Anyway, closing date was 12/10/07.
Breakthrough Breast Cancer, see above, wouldn't have applied anyway, even if I would have made the 10/10/07 apply-by date. However, their advert is in a refreshing purple colour, which has broken up my monotone task.
Encams want a marketResearch Manager. Thankfully, this is a charity that deals with food and stuff. I say thankfully, because it means I can't apply for it. The job was based in Wigan, what a commute that would have been.
I can't apply to agencies, as it would be never ending. See the ski job above, over 1,000 jobs on their website, so sorry, Mediacontacts.
The Works:
'Weary of you host? Use our Search Engine.'
Well I have been reading the same jobs paper for about a month and a half, so I am a bity weary of it...
www.the-works.co.uk
Select type: Any
Select Sector: Any
Select level: Any
Select Location: Any
Click...
229 Jobs!!! See above, that would be ridiculous.
Applications: 60 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
I was listening to the food programme on Radio Four this afternoon. I was trying to kill a bit of time whilst waiting for the highly anticipated indoor bowls final at 3 p.m. They were talking about how the future reduction in EU sugar quotas was going to have a detrimental effect on the economies of the Carribean.
It reminded me of that old joke:
Person A: I am taking my wife to the Carribean.
Person B Jamaica?
Person A: No she wanted to go.
I wondered if it could work for other Carribean islands.
A: I am taking my wife, Ana, to the Carribean
B: Guiana?
A: No, she is a woman.
Hmm, maybe...
If anyone can think of any other Carribean islands it could work for, please do not hesitate to post them on the blog.
The Food standards Agency are looking for a Senior Press Officer. Apparently:
'Food has never been a bigger concern of the British public.'
Let's be honest about this, even since the cavemen, food has been a fairly high concern to the general populace. Anyway, closing date was 12/10/07.
Breakthrough Breast Cancer, see above, wouldn't have applied anyway, even if I would have made the 10/10/07 apply-by date. However, their advert is in a refreshing purple colour, which has broken up my monotone task.
Encams want a marketResearch Manager. Thankfully, this is a charity that deals with food and stuff. I say thankfully, because it means I can't apply for it. The job was based in Wigan, what a commute that would have been.
I can't apply to agencies, as it would be never ending. See the ski job above, over 1,000 jobs on their website, so sorry, Mediacontacts.
The Works:
'Weary of you host? Use our Search Engine.'
Well I have been reading the same jobs paper for about a month and a half, so I am a bity weary of it...
www.the-works.co.uk
Select type: Any
Select Sector: Any
Select level: Any
Select Location: Any
Click...
229 Jobs!!! See above, that would be ridiculous.
Saturday 10th November 2007
Applications: 60 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
Anyway, after the injustice of masonic handshakes and the like, we went to the supermarket. Why do the pseudo-posh people in four by fours get to park near the entrance? Oh yes, they have children. Don't get me started on 4 x 4s.
When we came home, I was delighted that the indoor bowls was on the telly, live from the International Hall, Ponds Ford, Sheffield. Paul Foster v David Gourlay, what a game. Paul Foster has hair like Tintin, from the famous Hergé books.
Anyway, it all came down to a tie-break. David Gourlay went for a runner, when he should have gone for a draw shot, apparently. 1-0 Foster. With a tricky jack length of 28m, Gourlay drew even, but Foster eventually won 4-8,11-3,2-1.
The other semi-final was between Alex Marshall MBE and Jason Greenslade. (MBE? For services to bowls?). Greenslade won, so we can look forward to a thrilling final tomorrow.
Applications: 60 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
Anyway, after the injustice of masonic handshakes and the like, we went to the supermarket. Why do the pseudo-posh people in four by fours get to park near the entrance? Oh yes, they have children. Don't get me started on 4 x 4s.
When we came home, I was delighted that the indoor bowls was on the telly, live from the International Hall, Ponds Ford, Sheffield. Paul Foster v David Gourlay, what a game. Paul Foster has hair like Tintin, from the famous Hergé books.
Anyway, it all came down to a tie-break. David Gourlay went for a runner, when he should have gone for a draw shot, apparently. 1-0 Foster. With a tricky jack length of 28m, Gourlay drew even, but Foster eventually won 4-8,11-3,2-1.
The other semi-final was between Alex Marshall MBE and Jason Greenslade. (MBE? For services to bowls?). Greenslade won, so we can look forward to a thrilling final tomorrow.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Thursday 8th November 2007
Applications: 60 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
GREETINGS!
From Mrs Maria Elena Fernandez,
I am the above named person from Philippine. I am married to Mr. Rodolfo FERNANDEZ who worked with Philippine embassy in Kuwait for nine years before we left to Philippine where he was re-appointed as a navy officer before his untimely death in the year 2005.
We were married for eleven years without a child. He died in his home country Philippine after a brief illness that lasted for only four days Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $7.3Musd (Seven Million Three Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars) in cash concealed in a trunk box and deposits it with a Security Company in Abidjan Cote d ivoire (West Africa) which he declare and register it as family valuables.
Recently, my Doctor told me that i have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is the high blood pressure sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church or individual that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I do not want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. This is why I am taking this decision to contact you.
I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need any telephone communication for security purpose until this mission is accomplished.
With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply with full assurance of your assistance, I shall give you the legal proof of this matter and contact of the security company in Abidjan where he deposited the trunk box. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present and legal beneficiary of this trunk box (fund). I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in Spirit and Truth.
Hope to receive your reply.
Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Maria Elena Fernandez
Hmm...
It looks like the good people from the complementry [their spelling] art gallery have not wasted time in sharing my personal details.
Dear Joanna
I read with delight your advertisement for a subscriptions manager in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I apologise in the lateness of my reply.
You say in your advert that languages are useful, but not essential. As you can see from my attached CV, I can speak several languages. I would like to consider myself a polyglot!
However, what I find most interesting, is working with my own language. For instance, in work the other day, someone bought some strawberry iced fingers. Inside the strawberry fingers was a layer of strawberry jam. I was concerned that this might be a bit too much strawberry for one snack. I therefore asked the question if this was a little too strawberry-y (like sugary or salty). Try it, it is a great word.
Strawberry-y!
Should you have any queries about my CV, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
End of page 11!
Page twelve looks great. Only eight jobs on this page.
COI? What does that stand for?
Am I going to be working for some Japanese fish?
It does not say what it stands for, but they wanted a live event co-ordinator, and an event assistant; apply-by date 8/10/07.
Interviews for Haringey Council will be held 'towards the end of October'. Well you can never plan these things at a local council. I mean, how much time does it take to order the correct biscuits for the Annual General Meeting?
This reminds me, I have still not followed the Liberal Democrats leadership process through. I will do this once I have applied for all of these jobs.
'Jolly Learning has leadership internationally in synthetic phonics publishing. Indeed, in several countries, the majority of countries teach reading with our programme (including the UK).'
http://www.syntheticphonics.com/
Have a look, it is interesting.
Anyway, they want me to write to them. I need more stationery.
Applications: 60 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
GREETINGS!
From Mrs Maria Elena Fernandez,
I am the above named person from Philippine. I am married to Mr. Rodolfo FERNANDEZ who worked with Philippine embassy in Kuwait for nine years before we left to Philippine where he was re-appointed as a navy officer before his untimely death in the year 2005.
We were married for eleven years without a child. He died in his home country Philippine after a brief illness that lasted for only four days Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $7.3Musd (Seven Million Three Hundred Thousand U.S. Dollars) in cash concealed in a trunk box and deposits it with a Security Company in Abidjan Cote d ivoire (West Africa) which he declare and register it as family valuables.
Recently, my Doctor told me that i have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is the high blood pressure sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church or individual that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained. The Bible made us to understand that Blessed is the hand that giveth I took this decision because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I do not want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. This is why I am taking this decision to contact you.
I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need any telephone communication for security purpose until this mission is accomplished.
With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply with full assurance of your assistance, I shall give you the legal proof of this matter and contact of the security company in Abidjan where he deposited the trunk box. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present and legal beneficiary of this trunk box (fund). I want you and the church to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in Spirit and Truth.
Hope to receive your reply.
Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Maria Elena Fernandez
Hmm...
It looks like the good people from the complementry [their spelling] art gallery have not wasted time in sharing my personal details.
Dear Joanna
I read with delight your advertisement for a subscriptions manager in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
I apologise in the lateness of my reply.
You say in your advert that languages are useful, but not essential. As you can see from my attached CV, I can speak several languages. I would like to consider myself a polyglot!
However, what I find most interesting, is working with my own language. For instance, in work the other day, someone bought some strawberry iced fingers. Inside the strawberry fingers was a layer of strawberry jam. I was concerned that this might be a bit too much strawberry for one snack. I therefore asked the question if this was a little too strawberry-y (like sugary or salty). Try it, it is a great word.
Strawberry-y!
Should you have any queries about my CV, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
End of page 11!
Page twelve looks great. Only eight jobs on this page.
COI? What does that stand for?
Am I going to be working for some Japanese fish?
It does not say what it stands for, but they wanted a live event co-ordinator, and an event assistant; apply-by date 8/10/07.
Interviews for Haringey Council will be held 'towards the end of October'. Well you can never plan these things at a local council. I mean, how much time does it take to order the correct biscuits for the Annual General Meeting?
This reminds me, I have still not followed the Liberal Democrats leadership process through. I will do this once I have applied for all of these jobs.
'Jolly Learning has leadership internationally in synthetic phonics publishing. Indeed, in several countries, the majority of countries teach reading with our programme (including the UK).'
http://www.syntheticphonics.com/
Have a look, it is interesting.
Anyway, they want me to write to them. I need more stationery.
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Monday 6th November 2007
Applications: 59 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
Stop the fireworks please!
The British Medical Association Membership Benefits Marketing Manager (12/10/07)
Marketing Executive.
Age Concern Marketing Adviser (9/10/07).
Corporate Communications Adviser (based in Bristol) [Well they need a bit of help communicating in the South West, I should know] (8/10/07)
Tuffin Ferraby Taylor are: 'looking for an individual to define strategy and manage delivery of all central global marketing activity and communications.'
Dear Madam/sir
I am writing regarding your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Your advertisement asked that I define strategy. Well, according to my Griffin Savers Oxford Dictionary (1984):
‘1. the planning and direction of the whole operation of a campaign or war.
2. a plan policy of this kind or to achieve something, our economic strategy.’
I hope that I have successfully defined strategy, and I do hope that you are not asking people to direct a war.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
British Heart Foundation Senior Press Officer (12/10/07)
Press Officer (Ditto)
Safety complex Manager at safeside at Eastside (12/10/07)
Events Co-ordinator at the Royal Society of Medicine (10/10/07)
Senior Touring Exhibitions Co-ordinator (19/10/07)
Editor and Publications Project Co-ordinator (12/10/07) Both at the V&A.
The Design Museum wanted a Development Manager and Co-ordinator (17 and 12/10/07)
All these jobs that I have missed out on.
Oh, well.
Anyway, news on Lenny's ear: It all seems to have picked up recently, and does not smell of rancid aluminium anymore.
Chain smoking spider still likes the odd fag, but not as often as before. I think the spider benylin had a funny effect on her.
Applications: 59 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
Stop the fireworks please!
The British Medical Association Membership Benefits Marketing Manager (12/10/07)
Marketing Executive.
Age Concern Marketing Adviser (9/10/07).
Corporate Communications Adviser (based in Bristol) [Well they need a bit of help communicating in the South West, I should know] (8/10/07)
Tuffin Ferraby Taylor are: 'looking for an individual to define strategy and manage delivery of all central global marketing activity and communications.'
Dear Madam/sir
I am writing regarding your advertisement in the Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Your advertisement asked that I define strategy. Well, according to my Griffin Savers Oxford Dictionary (1984):
‘1. the planning and direction of the whole operation of a campaign or war.
2. a plan policy of this kind or to achieve something, our economic strategy.’
I hope that I have successfully defined strategy, and I do hope that you are not asking people to direct a war.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
British Heart Foundation Senior Press Officer (12/10/07)
Press Officer (Ditto)
Safety complex Manager at safeside at Eastside (12/10/07)
Events Co-ordinator at the Royal Society of Medicine (10/10/07)
Senior Touring Exhibitions Co-ordinator (19/10/07)
Editor and Publications Project Co-ordinator (12/10/07) Both at the V&A.
The Design Museum wanted a Development Manager and Co-ordinator (17 and 12/10/07)
All these jobs that I have missed out on.
Oh, well.
Anyway, news on Lenny's ear: It all seems to have picked up recently, and does not smell of rancid aluminium anymore.
Chain smoking spider still likes the odd fag, but not as often as before. I think the spider benylin had a funny effect on her.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Monday 5th November 2007
Applications: 58 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
The Zygos Partnership (remember them) have finally turned me down:
RESEARCH CONSULTANT POSITION
Thank you for your email enclosing a copy of your CV with reference to the above role which I have read with care.
There have been a number of candidates who more closely match the skills set and experience required for this position, so unfortunately on this occasion, you have not been successful in your application.
Nevertheless, may I take this opportunity to thank you for writing to The Zygos Partnership and wish you every success with your future career.
Yours sincerely
The Zygos Partnership
15 Sloane Square
London
SW1W 8ER
Oh well, at least I won't be found hanging from Neap Bridge.
I have been looking at the jobs on page ten. As discussed above, well I say discussed, more mentioned. The jobs on this page are no more, they have expired, they have ceased to be.
Dear reader, please feel free to let your mind wander as I mention all of the expired jobs and their apply-by dates on this page:
The Guardian (5/10/07) media research data analyst, Marketing Officer for the NCB (14/10/07), Senior Marketing Officer and Press Officer for the Warrington Borough Council (11/10/07), Communications and administration Officer for the UK Coalition Against Poverty (24/10/07), Head of Finance for RICHMIX (12/10/07), Marketing Assistant at Fairfield Halls Croydon (12/10/07).
One little gem at the end does not have a reply by date! English Language Sales Manager for Ivy Group.
www.ivy-group.co.uk/jobs
Apparently, I have to apply to someone called Alistair Campbell.
It can't be.
Surely not.
Dear Alistair
I note with some considerable interest your position for English Language Sales Manager advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Firstly, are you really Alistair Campbell?
If so, I have bought your book, The Tony Blair Years. I have to admit that I have been a bit busy recently, so I have not had a chance to read it from cover to cover. However, whenever I get a spare couple of weeks, I will give it my full attention.
I am not sure exactly what the advertisement meant. Do I have to sell the English language to other people?
I would welcome some clarification on this matter.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Well let's see what happens.
End of page ten!
Applications: 58 Rejections: 4 Replies: 19 (18 if you count human) + Bonus Job x 2! Withdrawn applications: 1
The Zygos Partnership (remember them) have finally turned me down:
RESEARCH CONSULTANT POSITION
Thank you for your email enclosing a copy of your CV with reference to the above role which I have read with care.
There have been a number of candidates who more closely match the skills set and experience required for this position, so unfortunately on this occasion, you have not been successful in your application.
Nevertheless, may I take this opportunity to thank you for writing to The Zygos Partnership and wish you every success with your future career.
Yours sincerely
The Zygos Partnership
15 Sloane Square
London
SW1W 8ER
Oh well, at least I won't be found hanging from Neap Bridge.
I have been looking at the jobs on page ten. As discussed above, well I say discussed, more mentioned. The jobs on this page are no more, they have expired, they have ceased to be.
Dear reader, please feel free to let your mind wander as I mention all of the expired jobs and their apply-by dates on this page:
The Guardian (5/10/07) media research data analyst, Marketing Officer for the NCB (14/10/07), Senior Marketing Officer and Press Officer for the Warrington Borough Council (11/10/07), Communications and administration Officer for the UK Coalition Against Poverty (24/10/07), Head of Finance for RICHMIX (12/10/07), Marketing Assistant at Fairfield Halls Croydon (12/10/07).
One little gem at the end does not have a reply by date! English Language Sales Manager for Ivy Group.
www.ivy-group.co.uk/jobs
Apparently, I have to apply to someone called Alistair Campbell.
It can't be.
Surely not.
Dear Alistair
I note with some considerable interest your position for English Language Sales Manager advertised in The Guardian dated 29/09/07.
Firstly, are you really Alistair Campbell?
If so, I have bought your book, The Tony Blair Years. I have to admit that I have been a bit busy recently, so I have not had a chance to read it from cover to cover. However, whenever I get a spare couple of weeks, I will give it my full attention.
I am not sure exactly what the advertisement meant. Do I have to sell the English language to other people?
I would welcome some clarification on this matter.
I have attached my CV for your perusal, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind regards
Ian Carpenter
Well let's see what happens.
End of page ten!
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